Tell A Dumb Joke

[Principled Man]

People like to say that with age comes wisdom.  
 

OK….so I don’t have wrinkles.  I have wise cracks.  

Edited May 17, 2022 by Principled Man

[Principled Man]

American History - The Wild West:    

 

It would have been much nicer out there if they had made the towns big enough for everyone.   

[Maverick]

A big plus to living in Switzerland would have the be the flag.

[Principled Man]

A 38-year-old Michigan man was critically injured in a explosion at his house and remains hospitalized, Warren Police Commissioner William Dwyer said. The man lost both of his arms in the explosion and was in a coma.

 

Michael Liburdi, 38, was under federal investigation for firearms violations at the time of the Saturday afternoon blast at his home, where he lived alone with his dog.  

 

After the explosion, officers executed a search warrant of the residence and found one dozen rifles, handguns, loaded AR-style magazines, small explosive devices, and 4,000 rounds of ammunition among other materials in the house.

 

The explosion caught Liburdi completely by surprise......and totally unarmed.  

 

 

[Bahamas]

We watched some of Ghostbusters : Afterlife.

Lots of kids, lots of jokes.

 

A Grasshopper walks into a bar.

The Bartender says "we have a drink made after you".

The Grasshopper says "You have a drink made after Steve?"

 

What do you call a dead polar bear?

Anything you like.

It's dead!

[Principled Man]

James Dean hated Christmas.  He didn't want to be like everyone else with their caroling and decorations and gift-giving.....

 

 

He was a rebel without a Claus.  
 

[1-0-0-1-0-0-1]

I sent my hearing aid in for repair a few months ago.

 

I haven't heard anything since.

[Principled Man]

Han and Leia stopped trying to surprise Luke on Christmas.  

 

He always sensed their presents.    

[1-0-0-1-0-0-1]

I farted on the elevator today.

 

It was wrong on so many levels.

[Principled Man]

I got a wooden leg for Christmas. 

 

It wasn't a huge present....just a stocking stuffer.  

Edited December 9, 2022 by Principled Man

[1-0-0-1-0-0-1]

Why didn't the melons get married?

Because they cantaloupe.

[Principled Man]

Christmas Pick-Up Lines for Adults:  

 

“Can I take your picture?  I want to show Santa what I want for Christmas.”

[1-0-0-1-0-0-1]

I've been telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes.

It's all about raisin awareness.

[Chicken hawk]

[goose]

21 hours ago, 1-0-0-1-0-0-1 said:

Why didn't the melons get married?

Because they cantaloupe.

My son enjoyed that one

[Principled Man]

[A man is applying for a credit card at a department store.]

 

Ditz Clerk:  What is your occupation?

 

Man:  I’m a tree trimmer.  

 

Ditz Clerk:  OK, so what do you do after Christmas?

[1-0-0-1-0-0-1]

I lost my wife's audio book.

 

Now I'll never hear the end of it.

[1-0-0-1-0-0-1]

I wouldn't worry about your phone or your TV spying on you.

 

Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.

[Principled Man]

Russian sausage tycoon dies after falling from hotel in India

 

Pavel Antov, a Russian lawmaker and businessman who made his fortune in the sausage industry, died after falling from the third floor of his hotel room while on vacation in India — the latest Russian businessman to die under mysterious circumstances this year. [Washington Post]

 

For those who knew Antov well, they were all in agreement that he was the wurst.   

 

 

 

[Sonatine]

Two TV aerials meet on a rooftop and fall in love.

A few weeks later they end up married

The reception was excellent

[Principled Man]

Today I saw a bumper sticker that said, "I'm a veterinarian.  I drive like an animal!".    

 

It made me realize just how many proctologists are driving around.  

[Jack Aubrey]

Have you heard? They're not making 12 inch rulers any longer.

 

I asked my wife when her birthday was & she said March first. So I walked around the block & asked her again.

 

My wife told me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't read it at all.

 

Do they allow loud laughingt in Hawaii, or just a low hah?

[Principled Man]

I was at the library today.  I went up to the counter and asked the guy if they had any books on paranoia.

 

The guy leans forward, stares right at me and whispers, "They're right behind you."  

[Weakly Criminal]

[Weakly Criminal]

On 1/24/2023 at 7:14 AM, Jack Aubrey said:

Have you heard? They're not making 12 inch rulers any longer.

 

 

If they're from China, they are probably making them shorter.