Tell A Dumb Joke

[blackhawkrush]

Husband: We're going to have a baby. Wife: You never had that chat-up figured out. 

[blackhawkrush]

Husband: We're going to have a baby. Nurse: First time? Husband: Yes, one go was all I needed. 

[blackhawkrush]

Wife - 'You mean to tell me you stole the Church collection?'  Husband - 'What could I do, it was handed to me on a plate.'  

[blackhawkrush]

Woman - 'I often had my ex-husband sleep on the couch. Mostly when I had someone else around.'   

[blackhawkrush]

Doctor: How can I help you? Patient: It's my prostate trouble. Doctor: Yes, that starts with a 'P', yes? 

[blackhawkrush]

Man: Superman just plugged a volcano with whales. Second Man: Good, I never liked the Welsh. 

[Principled Man]

Stephen Colbert is on the IEL (Injured Entertainer List) with a burst appendix!    

 

OK, kids, pay attention. 

THIS is why it's so important to always read your textbook's appendix when you're studying.  If you don't, it can come back and haunt you!  

[Principled Man]

Why does everyone in Athens sleep until noon?

 

Because Dawn is tough on Greece.  

[Principled Man]

I took the shell off my pet snail to help him move faster.

 

He just became more sluggish.  

[blackhawkrush]

The women in Iceland keep their names on after marriage. It's too cold to take them off.  

[blackhawkrush]

My wife always brings a book to bed. She's down to three chapters.   

[BastillePark]

Q: How many atheists does it take to change a lightbulb?

 

A: Two. One to change it and one to video record it so some fundamentalist can't claim God did it.

[blackhawkrush]

My parents had six kids. My father loved us all the same way. I was his favorite.   

[Principled Man]

I finally quit drinking for good.  
 

 

Now, I drink for evil.  

[Principled Man]

 

When is it acceptable to move a cat off your lap?

 

A. When you get hungry

B. When nature calls

C. When your house is on fire

D. Never

E. Never sit down. That way, you never have a lap.

[Principled Man]

How can you tell if your new new girlfriend is really the witch from Hansel & Gretel?

 

She keeps asking the server for the Kids Menu.  

[Principled Man]

Amazon.com IS Santa Claus.  
 

It sends us packages, it gets very busy at Christmas and it wants our cookies.  

[Principled Man]

Albert Einstein never really existed, you know.  
 

He was just a theoretical physicist.  

[goose]

What's the difference between Santa and Hunter Biden*?

 

Santa stops at three ho's.

 

 

 

 

 

 

*insert Trump, Tiger Woods, etc.

[Principled Man]

When my dyslexic cousin was a kid, he kept getting brimstone in his stocking.  
 

He had been sending his letters to Satan.  
 

 

[blackhawkrush]

What's robot's favorite football team? Bolt-on Wanderers. 

[blackhawkrush]

Round black flat and horrible. What do you call that? A Bee Gees record. 

[Chicken hawk]

[invisible airwave]

Why can’t pirates cite the alphabet?

 

They get lost at C.

Edited January 6, 2024 by invisible airwave

[BastillePark]

A guy walks up to a bar and sits next to an attractive woman. They strike up a conversation and at one point he shows her a watch. He says it's a brand new watch and it is state of the art. She asks what makes it that way and he tells her it can communicate with him telepathically. She asks what kinds of things does it tell him and he looks at it and says, "well, it's telling me you aren't wearing any panties". She says it must be broken because she is wearing panties.

 

He looks at it again and says, "oh wait, it's an hour fast".