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Posted

A guy is out on his boat headed for shore when the engine quits. He's drifting closer to the beach but the boat stops before it gets there. He looks down and can see the bottom so he figures he could jump in and pull the boat but he's wearing his $600 Italian shoes. He has one paddle and knows he could use it but it's a pretty big boat and it might take a while and he'd work up a sweat. He's trying to decide, row vs wade? 

Posted

Man: I know everything about football. Ask me anything. Second man: How many holes in a goal net?  

Posted

A man and woman who didn't know each other were inadvertently assigned to the same sleeper car. They weren't happy about it but decided they would make it work for the night. Partway through the night the guy, who was in the top bunk, woke up and was pretty cold so he woke up the woman and asked her if she would mind grabbing him a blanket from the closet.

 

She replied, "why don't we pretend that we're married"? He quickly agreed thinking he was going to get lucky but the woman said, "get your own damn blanket".

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Posted

When I entered high school, I got my sister's hand-me-down calculator with no multiplication button.
 

Times were hard back then.  

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Posted

Strongman tears a telephone book in half and says, "The hardest part is when you get to the Smiths"

Posted

Man to doctor: My wife has fainted. Have you got smelling salt? Doctor: No, but I can take off my socks.  

Posted
32 minutes ago, blackhawkrush said:

Man to doctor: My wife has fainted. Have you got smelling salt? Doctor: No, but I can take off my socks.  

:puke:

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Posted

[Meanwhile, at the Cannibal Restaurant....]

 

Server: What can I get for you, sir?
Cannibal: I'll have the albino salad. I'm eating light.

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Posted

These topless beaches in Spain are so embarrassing. What do the Senors say to that? Seen yours, seen yours, seen yours...  

Posted

If there's one thing that makes me throw up it's the dart board I installed on my ceiling.

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Posted

A note from the defenestration crowd:

 

I like going outdoors. It sure beats going outwindows.

Posted

I like to sit in the rear of a plane because you never hear of one backing into a mountain.

Posted
9 minutes ago, Chicken hawk said:

How do football players stay cool during the game? – They stand near the fans!  :wave:

 

When it's cold out, they stand near the corner of the end zone.  It's always 90 degrees there.  

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Posted

Man: I learned all I know about horses from my father. Woman: Was he a breeder? Man: Sometimes.  

Posted

Man: I was engaged once. I wrote her every day. Woman: What happened? Man: She married the postman.  

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Posted

Nazi to a prisoner: How would you like to see our firing squad? Prisoner: In a circle.   

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Posted

Woman: You look very ponderous. And you don't even know what that means. Man: Yes, I do. That's where Ben Cartwright lives. 

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Posted

Man: I fancy a date with Joan Collins again. Second man: What do you mean again? Man: I fancied it before. 

Posted

Residents of the Foxborough, Massachusetts area are watching the morning news, as they always do.  

Half-awake, waiting for the coffee to take effect, they groggily watch their news shows.....

Suddenly, the news anchormen give a Breaking News Report:  South Dakota Governor Kristi Noem admits to killing a goat....

 

Viewers:  "What?!  She killed the GOAT?!  What was Brady doing out in South Dakota anyway?!"  

  • Haha 1

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