Tell A Dumb Joke

[invisible airwave]

21 hours ago, Principled Man said:

 

 

Touché.

 

[blackhawkrush]

I don't feel well. Chicken doesn't agree with me. I want to eat it, and it doesn't want me to.    

[blackhawkrush]

Woman: You must find my husband's murderer, detective. Money is no object. I haven't got any. 

[Principled Man]

A harp walks into a bar.

 

The bartender says, "What on Earth are you?"  

 

The harp replies, "I'm a harp."

 

The bartender laughs and says, "You're way too small to be a harp."

 

The insulted harp says, "Are you calling me a lyre?"

[Jack Aubrey]

"Knock knock.

 

Who's there?

 

Ah.

 

Ah who?

 

Werewolves of London!"

[blackhawkrush]

Woman: My husband took his secretary out to dinner. I made him put her back in the fridge.   

[BastillePark]

Knock knock.

 

Who's there?

 

Ahh

 

Ahh who?

 

Werewolves of London.

[invisible airwave]

Saw this on Bluesky minutes ago.

 

What do you call a short mother? 

A minimum.
 

[BastillePark]

Two engineering students were walking across campus and one of them was pushing a bike. The other guy asked him where he got it.

 

He said, "Yesterday I was walking along here and a beautiful woman rode up to me, threw the bike on the ground, took off all her close and said "take anything you want.'"

 

The second student said, "Good choice since the clothes probably wouldn't fit you."

[Principled Man]

Costello:  Who's on first?

 

Abbott:  The Dodger.

 

Costello:  Huh?!

 

Abbott:  The Yankee didn't cover first.  

[Principled Man]

I went to a Bill Withers concert and got to meet him after the show!

 

I said to him, "Bill, your show was great, but Ain't No Sunshine has horrible grammar!

 

Bill shrugged his shoulders and said, "I know... I know... I know... I know... I know... I know.. I know.. I know..."

[blackhawkrush]

Good evening, or if you're in Cleveland, good luck.    

[blackhawkrush]

Actress: I was accused of sleeping with every producer in the business, which is totally untrue. I managed to stay awake with some of them.   

[blackhawkrush]

Is it a bird? Is it a plane? It's hard to tell with our animators.   

[Chicken hawk]

What do you call a Parrot that flies away ?                                      Polygon.  

[Chicken hawk]

How do you hold onto a deer during hunting season ? You hang onto it for deer life.

[Principled Man]

A prisoner in jail was serving a 20 year sentence for armed robbery when he had a bout of extreme abdominal pain.

The doctors found a blockage and had to remove half of his lower intestine.

 

When his 20 years were up, he he was denied release.

The warden said, "I'm sorry, but you can't finish a sentence with a semicolon."

[Principled Man]

I used to give a lot of business to my neighbor Frank and his daughters, who run a furniture shop.

Frank once asked me, "I have two daughters making cabinets. Why do you keep wanting Emily to make your cabinets?"

I told him, "Well, to be honest, she's a lot faster than lazy Susan."
 

[blackhawkrush]

Reporter to tennis player: Do you prefer astroturf or grass? Player: I don't know, I never smoked astroturf. 

[blackhawkrush]

Inspector: I just found this in our records department. Accused: I hope it's   

[blackhawkrush]

Son: I had a dream I was drowning. Parent: Is this a gentle way of telling me you wet your bed? 

[Principled Man]

Top 5 Airline advertisements that no one should hear:

1. Our staff is good at counseling next-of-kin.
2. Are the engines too noisy? We'll turn them off.
3. Complimentary champagne during free-fall.
4. The kids will love our big inflatable slides.
5. Ask about our out-of-court settlements.

[Principled Man]

Airlines are getting so greedy.  The boarding agent just charged me extra for my emotional baggage!

[invisible airwave]

Teacher:  "What is the company that merged with XM Radio?"
Morrissey raising hand:  "I know!  I know!  It's Sirius!"

[invisible airwave]

I felt pretty good about ordering a boomerang on eBay.

 

They’ve got 100% return policy.