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Posted

Did you hear about the two antennae who got married?

 

The wedding was OK, but the reception was fantastic!

Posted

What do Dentists call x-rays?

 

 

Tooth pics!

  • Like 1
Posted

Why is there no gambling in Africa?

 

 

Too many cheetahs.....

Posted

How do you know when a joke is a Dad joke?

 

 

When it becomes apparent.

Posted

"In Scotland we have mixed feelings about Global Warming. Because we all get to sit on the mountains and watch the English drown."

 

I knew a man from Scotland who had genital crabs. He wouldn't get rid of them.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He thought they were money spiders.

  • Like 1
Posted

I shouldn't have bought so much stock in SlimFast products.

 

 

It's a shrinking business.

  • Like 1
Posted

I wen to Pet Smart this morning. The clerk tried to sell me a spider.

 

 

 

I told him, "No, thanks. I can get one off the web for free."

Posted

I went the lumber yard today. I told the clerk that I needed a bunch of 2 x 4's.

 

The clerk said, "How long do you need 'em?"

 

I told him, "Well, forever. I'm building a house!"

Posted (edited)

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

 

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

 

"We're taking United” was the reply. "We got a great rate!”

 

“United?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?”

 

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Taste.”

 

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump.”

 

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.”

 

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. ”You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it.”

 

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

 

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of United’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and we had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on us hand and foot. And the Taste Hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!”

 

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope.”

 

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet us. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me..”

 

Surprised, the hairdresser said, "Oh, really! What'd he say?”

 

The woman smiled..... "He said: 'Who screwed up your hair?' "

Edited by Principled Man
  • Like 1
Posted

I keep hearing that 40 is the new 30 and 50 is the new 40.

All I know is that as I get older, 9:00 is the new midnight.

  • Like 4
Posted

I keep hearing that 40 is the new 30 and 50 is the new 40.

All I know is that as I get older, 9:00 is the new midnight.

No kidding. 8:30, even.

Posted

Why was Cinderella such a bad football player?

 

 

Her coach was a pumpkin.

Posted
I had the best job in the world. Was a human cannonball. The sky was the limit! It was a high-caliber position! But I had a short fuse and got fired.
  • Like 2
Posted

Jokes That Gynecologists Should Not Tell Their Patients, Chapter 37:

 

 

Did you know that there are two things in the air that can get a woman pregnant?

 

-- Her feet!

  • Like 2
Posted (edited)

Erm, this is a joke thread. Step up your game Principled Man!

 

So three guys walk into a pub...Alex, Geddy and Neil.

Bartender says "what'll it be fellas?

 

"What?", they reply in perfect unison and timing. "You think we're in a Rush?"

 

A...Rush...

 

Get it?!!!!????? Rush!!! :dweez:

 

(And just teasing, I know it's your thread :) )

Edited by Bahamas
  • Like 1
Posted

Erm, this a joke thread. Step up your game Principled Man!

 

So three guys walk into a pub...Alex, Geddy and Neil.

Bartender says "what'll it be fellas?

 

"What?", they reply in perfect unison and timing. "You think we're in a Rush?"

 

A...Rush...

 

Get it?!!!!????? Rush!!! :dweez:

 

OX9DjkV.jpg

  • Like 4
Posted
The Royal Order Of The Bad Joke Gargoyles is serious business!!!!! It takes a lot of bad jokes to be a certified member, just so you know.
  • Like 2

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