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Have you ever considered putting it all down in a letter to him? I did this once (married 10 years) and it made an impact for sure. It gives you a chance to really explain things without the other partner getting all defensive and redirecting the conversation.

 

If you do this, it's important to not be accusatory. Use lots of "I" messages. Instead of "You never want to go and do anything different anymore", phrase it as "I really miss going and trying new restaurants with you. That's one of my favorite things to do with you." Or, "It hurts to hear comments about my weight. It makes me feel ugly and unloveable." Etc., etc.

 

The first year IS hard. And you're always going to have the odd moment (hopefully rare) when you're so exasperated that you start wondering, "WHY IN THE HELL DID I MARRY THIS PERSON???? WTF WAS I THINKING????" Trust me, so will your husband, even 20 years after the wedding!

 

Oh, and my "proposal"? We'd been living together for about 6 months and I came home one day and announced, "I called Rick (our favorite priest) and made an appointment with him to start planning marriage. We're all having breakfast this Thursday." His response? "OK, cool!" Honestly I thought your dog poo story was kind of funny - it's definitely different and sort of a humorous spin on the usual "oh, he got down on one knee as the sun was setting. . . . blah, blah, blah."

Edited by Mara
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Oh, and my "proposal"? We'd been living together for about 6 months and I came home one day and announced, "I called Rick (our favorite priest) and made an appointment with him to start planning marriage. We're all having breakfast this Thursday." His response? "OK, cool!" Honestly I thought your dog poo story was kind of funny - it's definitely different and sort of a humorous spin on the usual "oh, he got down on one knee as the sun was setting. . . . blah, blah, blah."

 

Yep...I think there are too many expectations in life that no one can ever be held to. Movies, TV and those with so much money they don't know what to do with but make people feel inferior make us all think that's how life should be...and the reality is we're all just trying to get through the day and maintain some happiness.

 

No one should be made to feel inferior, but if you go around thinking that because every moment isn't as perfect as it is in a script, you're just setting yourself up for disappointment. And you WILL be disappointed every single time.

 

Writing a letter may be a good idea. If he doesn't respond to that - and considering what you have described just months into your marriage - I'm not willing to bet he would be one to better himself through counseling.

 

Whatever you do...I'd keep kids off the radar until you two can achieve some equilibrium. Kids will NOT make your marriage better if it is already bad - having two within the first three years of our marriage was not fun and we were already pretty stable as husband and wife at that point.

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I want to thank you guys for all of your responses, for reading my post, and for sharing your lives with me as well.

 

I think the letter idea is excellent. Maybe I will sit down and compose an e-mail to him and see if it helps. He apologized for his remarks about the yoga and the weight, he knows I have a hard time with things. I sincerely don't think he says those things to be mean, it's not that, but he just says what he thinks and doesn't really worry about how it might effect who he is saying it to.

 

I know people say the first year is the hardest. I just didn't think that applied to us because we had been living together for nearly 4 years before we married so I thought we had things down well enough. I really don't know why marriage changes things, I wish I had it figured out.

 

I thought there were a few things in the beginning that would cause problems but you know, I don't want to judge when I myself am flawed and I know that we are all on this journey and hopefully trying to better ourselves, which is what I expected from him. These days I don't see it as much as I once did, maybe I'm not looking.

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Gangster, living together before marriage means nothing. I knew a couple that lived together for TWELVE years before they got married and were divorced before they made it through even one year of marriage.

 

I think your husband genuinely loves you, and I am not telling you that to make you feel good or better. If you give it more time, I am sure things will work out.

Edited by Lorraine
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Gangster, living together before marriage means nothing. I knew a couple that lived together for TWELVE years before they got married and were divorced before they made it through even one year of marriage.

 

I think your husband genuinely loves you, and I am not telling you that to make you feel good or better. If you give it more time, I am sure things will work out.

 

Ugh I don't get it! What changes?! It's like things weren't perfect but they were better.

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I think the letter idea is excellent. Maybe I will sit down and compose an e-mail to him and see if it helps.

 

If I were you I would actually go to the trouble of writing out a letter. I heard something once about how if you want to sound angry and accusatory, compose an email. The act of physically writing a letter slows you down and helps the thought process. Emails are also relatively impersonal compared to writing something in your own, unique handwriting, and I'm sure he would appreciate the extra effort.

 

Well, not to mention the fact that people generally can't read handwriting as quickly as they can read type, so it might help him to gather his thoughts as well.

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My husband and I were living together for 2 years before we were married and things changed right away. It's hard to walk away when you know you would have to sue for a divorce once you get married...so, for most folks, I guess it's just a psychological thing that happens when they know it would be hard for the other person to walk...they get lazy and some people just are a little more apathetic once married when they realize it takes a lot of WORK to keep it going.
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I would highly HIGHLY encourage you and your husband (or even just you for now) to go through this website:

http://conscious-transitions.com/

 

It debunks all of what marriage "is supposed to be" and why there is so much anxiety and fear when you are married to someone. Not having butterflies all the time is not a bad thing, you might not LIKE the person all the time, those sorts of things - which are OK and NORMAL. The site focuses on things pre-marriage but really hits on the core of relationships and what really matters. It has made a world of difference in my marriage simply because I had unrealistic expectations based on what society says and shows us. Remember - marriage is a transition, just like getting a new job, moving, losing someone in life - but we tend to treat it as this magical weapon that should never EVER be "off" - when nothing in real life is that way.

 

Keeping communication open, honest and without yelling (hard sometimes!) is necessary. I like Mira's letter suggestion if you can see that working for you.

 

My only red flag in this (to me) is his insensitivity to your eating disorder, but I know from experience (as I am one year in medically-treated recovery myself right now) is that unless the person you are talking to personally has such issues, no one else is going to get it. It's not because they don't want to, they just literally can't. Remarks that the person might think are harmless or all in good fun - or even meant to support you - can be tragic to those who struggle with food and body image. But he needs to know this and understand to the best of his ability.

 

I wish you the best of luck!

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He's 19 years older than me and

 

 

 

Should feel damn lucky to have anyone and young and vibrant as you, not put you down!

Well posted.

 

Sorry to hear of your troubled marriage. Your husband should be your best friend. Make you feel loved, wanted and valued.

 

I'll give my stock answer of, try marriage counselling.

 

I wish you all the best. You seem like a real good person who deserves so much more happiness.

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I dunno gangster, I'm a guy (a married guy at that), and from a different country, so I might end up sticking both my feet in my mouth.

Still, reading your opening rant, I couldn't help but notice that some of the things you say are just - forgive me to say this - garbage you're still carrying with you.

You did not get the proposal you always dreamt about? And you're still thinking about that? Can't you just leave it behind? Why are you still thinking about it? Regret is just poison. It did not go the way you expected? Still, that's the way it went. That's the way you carry it with you. It's the meaning you give it. Try to think that someone else might cherish it as a funny, precious memory. "Of all things, when he gave the ring the dog had to go all out... ahahahahah!" I can think of a lot of people that would go about it this way.

The reserved hotels during honeymoon: stop carry that weight! You should have dealt with it on due time. Now it's too late.

 

Forgive me to say this, but it seems to me you are looking back at you memories and crying that they are not snippets from a Barbie movie. That's the wrong way to go about it. You cannot change events. But you can change the way you feel about those events. You can change the meaning you give to them. Now I'm not saying you should go all cherishing them. Stil, you can stop them from hurting you. I'm 43 and I'm still fighting with memories from primary school.

 

I'm not going into the question wheter you should or shouldn't divorce, and in NO WAY am I saying you might be at fault: you aren't. But stil, you carry a lot of poison that's bad FOR YOURSELF. Never mind your marriage. It would be bad even if you were alone. It won't let you free even if you start anew.

 

I hope I could give you an unbiased PoW.

And now some words from Pete Townshend: "I have to be careful not to preach..."

 

EDIT: Oh, and there are SO much better snacks than french fries!! ;)

Edited by H. P. L.
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Wow...that was all pretty cold, HPL.

 

I'm a man, and I can totally understand where she's coming from. These things aren't ancient history; most (if not all) of the things she described are all from within the past year- as she said, the marriage is only nine months old.

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Wow...that was all pretty cold, HPL.

 

I'm a man, and I can totally understand where she's coming from. These things aren't ancient history; most (if not all) of the things she described are all from within the past year- as she said, the marriage is only nine months old.

 

I don't think he was being cold, just being real. Big moments in our lives rarely go as perfectly as we imagined they would based on everything we see and hear about them while we are growing up. Proposals, weddings, honeymoons are all huge things in people's lives, and most people are aware of these occurrences from a very young age. They see them on TV and in movies, and read about them in books. But those are, for the most part, fictions and fantasies. I would even venture to say that a lot of the 'real" accounts that we hear of these events are glossed over by the participants to highlight the best parts and smooth over, or totally remove, the rough spots. While it makes for a good story, it can be extremely misleading as to what one can truly expect.

 

I have no idea what ideas gangsterfurious had about what these moments would be like. But I do think it is good to know that there is usually always a gap between what you imagined it would be like, and what it actually turned out to be.

 

Having said this, it is important to point out there there is much in what she wrote in the OP that I found to be really bad behavior that she has had to endure, particularly the comments about her weight, and how he says it makes her look, and feel, to him. That shit is just mean, and when people say stuff like that, they know exactly what they are saying and why they are saying it. And if they claim they didn't realize that it would hurt feelings, I'd have to say they are lying.

Edited by Sheldon Cooper
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I dunno gangster, I'm a guy (a married guy at that), and from a different country, so I might end up sticking both my feet in my mouth.

Still, reading your opening rant, I couldn't help but notice that some of the things you say are just - forgive me to say this - garbage you're still carrying with you.

You did not get the proposal you always dreamt about? And you're still thinking about that? Can't you just leave it behind? Why are you still thinking about it? Regret is just poison. It did not go the way you expected? Still, that's the way it went. That's the way you carry it with you. It's the meaning you give it. Try to think that someone else might cherish it as a funny, precious memory. "Of all things, when he gave the ring the dog had to go all out... ahahahahah!" I can think of a lot of people that would go about it this way.

The reserved hotels during honeymoon: stop carry that weight! You should have dealt with it on due time. Now it's too late.

 

Forgive me to say this, but it seems to me you are looking back at you memories and crying that they are not snippets from a Barbie movie. That's the wrong way to go about it. You cannot change events. But you can change the way you feel about those events. You can change the meaning you give to them. Now I'm not saying you should go all cherishing them. Stil, you can stop them from hurting you. I'm 43 and I'm still fighting with memories from primary school.

 

I'm not going into the question wheter you should or shouldn't divorce, and in NO WAY am I saying you might be at fault: you aren't. But stil, you carry a lot of poison that's bad FOR YOURSELF. Never mind your marriage. It would be bad even if you were alone. It won't let you free even if you start anew.

 

I hope I could give you an unbiased PoW.

And now some words from Pete Townshend: "I have to be careful not to preach..."

 

EDIT: Oh, and there are SO much better snacks than french fries!! ;)

 

OK so I obviously need to clarify some things regarding the proposal.

 

First off. I had no ideas, no dreams, nothing pre-planned, or any thoughts about how it "should" go. See, I used to work in jewelry and I've sold, sized, and serviced probably thousands of engagement rings and what I do know is that the majority of my customers were excited and had planned something special. So I have to ask "Why was I not worth it for him to plan something special?" But whatever, I still said yes, so I take responsibility.

 

I don't want a "Barbie" movie and I don't sit and cry over things not going Hollywood-style in my life. I've survived homelessness, missing years of school because we moved around too much, an alcoholic father, two sexual assaults, a boyfriend that used to beat me, etc... I don't have any misconceptions about how life goes. I just thought, hey you know, if this person says he's in love with me maybe he'd put some effort into a few things.

 

You mention the honeymoon hotels as if I'm just holding onto something to be bitter but let me ask you this. Say you planned something for months with another person, you were so excited about it and you were pretty sure you were both clear on the meaning of it, only to have this person marry you, humiliate you, and then not even touch you? Can you now see why I'm upset and concerned?

Edited by gangsterfurious
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I dunno gangster, I'm a guy (a married guy at that), and from a different country, so I might end up sticking both my feet in my mouth.

Still, reading your opening rant, I couldn't help but notice that some of the things you say are just - forgive me to say this - garbage you're still carrying with you.

You did not get the proposal you always dreamt about? And you're still thinking about that? Can't you just leave it behind? Why are you still thinking about it? Regret is just poison. It did not go the way you expected? Still, that's the way it went. That's the way you carry it with you. It's the meaning you give it. Try to think that someone else might cherish it as a funny, precious memory. "Of all things, when he gave the ring the dog had to go all out... ahahahahah!" I can think of a lot of people that would go about it this way.

The reserved hotels during honeymoon: stop carry that weight! You should have dealt with it on due time. Now it's too late.

 

Forgive me to say this, but it seems to me you are looking back at you memories and crying that they are not snippets from a Barbie movie. That's the wrong way to go about it. You cannot change events. But you can change the way you feel about those events. You can change the meaning you give to them. Now I'm not saying you should go all cherishing them. Stil, you can stop them from hurting you. I'm 43 and I'm still fighting with memories from primary school.

 

I'm not going into the question wheter you should or shouldn't divorce, and in NO WAY am I saying you might be at fault: you aren't. But stil, you carry a lot of poison that's bad FOR YOURSELF. Never mind your marriage. It would be bad even if you were alone. It won't let you free even if you start anew.

 

I hope I could give you an unbiased PoW.

And now some words from Pete Townshend: "I have to be careful not to preach..."

 

EDIT: Oh, and there are SO much better snacks than french fries!! ;)

You mention the honeymoon hotels as if I'm just holding onto something to be bitter but let me ask you this. Say you planned something for months with another person, you were so excited about it and you were pretty sure you were both clear on the meaning of it, only to have this person marry you, humiliate you, and then not even touch you? Can you now see why I'm upset and concerned?

 

These are not good signs.

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I dunno gangster, I'm a guy (a married guy at that), and from a different country, so I might end up sticking both my feet in my mouth.

Still, reading your opening rant, I couldn't help but notice that some of the things you say are just - forgive me to say this - garbage you're still carrying with you.

You did not get the proposal you always dreamt about? And you're still thinking about that? Can't you just leave it behind? Why are you still thinking about it? Regret is just poison. It did not go the way you expected? Still, that's the way it went. That's the way you carry it with you. It's the meaning you give it. Try to think that someone else might cherish it as a funny, precious memory. "Of all things, when he gave the ring the dog had to go all out... ahahahahah!" I can think of a lot of people that would go about it this way.

The reserved hotels during honeymoon: stop carry that weight! You should have dealt with it on due time. Now it's too late.

 

Forgive me to say this, but it seems to me you are looking back at you memories and crying that they are not snippets from a Barbie movie. That's the wrong way to go about it. You cannot change events. But you can change the way you feel about those events. You can change the meaning you give to them. Now I'm not saying you should go all cherishing them. Stil, you can stop them from hurting you. I'm 43 and I'm still fighting with memories from primary school.

 

I'm not going into the question wheter you should or shouldn't divorce, and in NO WAY am I saying you might be at fault: you aren't. But stil, you carry a lot of poison that's bad FOR YOURSELF. Never mind your marriage. It would be bad even if you were alone. It won't let you free even if you start anew.

 

I hope I could give you an unbiased PoW.

And now some words from Pete Townshend: "I have to be careful not to preach..."

 

EDIT: Oh, and there are SO much better snacks than french fries!! ;)

 

OK so I obviously need to clarify some things regarding the proposal.

 

First off. I had no ideas, no dreams, nothing pre-planned, or any thoughts about how it "should" go. See, I used to work in jewelry and I've sold, sized, and serviced probably thousands of engagement rings and what I do know is that the majority of my customers were excited and had planned something special. So I have to ask "Why was I not worth it for him to plan something special?" But whatever, I still said yes, so I take responsibility.

 

I don't want a "Barbie" movie and I don't sit and cry over things not going Hollywood-style in my life. I've survived homelessness, missing years of school because we moved around too much, an alcoholic father, two sexual assaults, a boyfriend that used to beat me, etc... I don't have any misconceptions about how life goes. I just thought, hey you know, if this person says he's in love with me maybe he'd put some effort into a few things.

 

You mention the honeymoon hotels as if I'm just holding onto something to be bitter but let me ask you this. Say you planned something for months with another person, you were so excited about it and you were pretty sure you were both clear on the meaning of it, only to have this person marry you, humiliate you, and then not even touch you? Can you now see why I'm upset and concerned?

 

Thanks for the clarification.

Let me say beforehand that I never meant, in any way, to go "smarter than thou" in my reply. I was just reacting to what you wrote and the way you wrote it.

After reading your last post, it's clear there's a power play going on. This puts a totally different perspective over the "art by his friends" post of sometime ago.

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Wow...that was all pretty cold, HPL.

 

I'm a man, and I can totally understand where she's coming from. These things aren't ancient history; most (if not all) of the things she described are all from within the past year- as she said, the marriage is only nine months old.

 

I agree. It's perfectly reasonable for her to expect her husband to make an effort. I see no attempt to make a "Barbie movie" here. I do see a guy who tends to belittle his marriage.....as if it's not all that important. The worst thing anyone can do is take the other for granted.

 

 

 

 

 

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You mention the honeymoon hotels as if I'm just holding onto something to be bitter but let me ask you this. Say you planned something for months with another person, you were so excited about it and you were pretty sure you were both clear on the meaning of it, only to have this person marry you, humiliate you, and then not even touch you? Can you now see why I'm upset and concerned?

 

This is a big deal and I completely agree with you being hurt and disappointed. No one should belittle your feelings, it isn't like this is ancient history. It is hard to find out that the person you married isn't acting like person you fell in love with and that is a big jolt to the heart. :( Take care of yourself and do what you think is best but don't let yourself be guilted into doing something that is not good for you. :rose:

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I don't get him. He marries you, he humiliates you and won't touch you? I mean, I have taken someone for granted once that I shouldn't have, but this is just ridiculous.

 

I wish I could chime in with some "wisdom" since I'm a guy, but this just leaves me perplexed and shaking my head in disbelief.

 

:sigh:

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I get the impression that before you were married, he realised he needed to make an effort for you, but now he has the impression that having made the commitment of marriage is enough effort in its own right. And that's just not enough.

 

There may be some issues of personal space here - how much time you each need completely alone, alone as a couple, wih friends separately or as a couple - can you get him to talk about this? It is more of an issue as I think you put more intensity and energy into all your experiences than he does (e.g. after a couple of years you're more passionate about Rush than he's ever been - same happened to me this year - I feel like a new religious convert!).

 

Have you both moved a long way from other friends? Does he have friends and other interests?

 

Hope this is some help - ignore all this if it isn't. We had a rough first year and I really thought a few times I had made a mistake getting married. But we've now been married 21 years and I wouldn't seriously want to be with anyone else (even if I have put a pic of Geddy on the bedroom wall).

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