The Joke Thread (The Good, The Bad & The Ugly)

[sundog]

QUOTE (Cygnus @ Apr 10 2006, 09:39 AM)

Soon it will be the anniversary of Albert Einstein's birthday. He was born March 14, 1879. Few remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919. He stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was well endowed. He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is stronger if there is a DNA connection. It's called Einstein's Theory of Relative Titty

*moan*

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Daylin]

QUOTE (Cygnus @ Apr 10 2006, 08:39 AM)

Soon it will be the anniversary of Albert Einstein's birthday. He was born March 14, 1879. Few remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919. He stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was well endowed. He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is stronger if there is a DNA connection. It's called Einstein's Theory of Relative Titty

[Daylin]

QUOTE (sundog @ Apr 7 2006, 08:26 AM)

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled "You Can Be the Man of Your House". He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law! You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner you are going to go upstairs with me, and we will have the kind of sex that I want. After that, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then you will massage my feet and hands. Then after that's done, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?" His wife replied, "The f***n' funeral director would be my guess!

[Hatchetaxe&saw]

Aged mother and daughter in the kitchen having a chat, mother complaining about her poor sex life.

"Your father and I are just not clicking in bed anymore, what should I do?"

 

Daughter: "Well, whenever Frank and I are going through a dry patch, I put on some sexy lingerie and surprise him".

 

Mother thinks long and hard about this and heads off to the sex shop. She buys some lingerie and heads home. She goes to the bedroom and puts on her lingerie, and climbs on top of the wardrobe.

 

Her husband comes in the front door, she shouts, "John, come up here for a minute."

 

Up goes John, and as he's about to enter she tells him to close his eyes, walk towards the bed and lie down.

 

Once he lies down, she jumps off the wardrobe shouting, "SUPERPUSSY!!!!!"

 

John faints with shock, 3 minutes later he wakes up and says, "I think I'll have the soup".

 

[Drumnut]

Sorry in advance for this one:

 

 

What happens when you leave your frog double parked?

 

 

It gets toad.

 

 

 

 

 

[Jack Aubrey]

Two brooms decide to get married. The wedding is a lovely affair, all of their friends and family are there, and both look wonderful in their wedding clothes. During the ceremony, the bride broom leans over to the groom broom and whispers: "I have terrific news, I'm going to have a little whisk broom!" The groom broom looks at the bride broom and exclaims: "Impossible! We haven't even swept together!"

 

 

[Daylin]

 

Funny stuff everyone!

[Rolinda Bonz]

Subject: The Spanish Computer

>

>

>

>

> A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike

>English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

>

> "House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."

>

> "Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."

>

> A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

>

> Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two

>groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether

>"computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

>

> Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

>

> The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the

>feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:

>

> 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

>

> 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is

>incomprehensible to everyone else;

>

> 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for

>possible later retrieval; and

>

> 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending

>half your paycheck on accessories for it.

>

>

> (THIS GETS BETTER!)

>

>

> The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine

>("el computador"), because:

>

> 1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

>

> 2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

>

> 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they

>ARE the problem; and

>

> 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a

>little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

>

> The women won !

 

[Daylin]

^^^^

Funny Rolinda!

[Pags]

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had told their new wives what their household duties were to be.

 

The first man had married a woman from Tennessee. He bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning. He said it took a couple days, on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were done.

 

The second man had married a woman from Florida. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. On the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner onthe table.

 

The third man married a girl from New Jersey. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, hire a cleaning lady, and telephone a landscaper.

[Daylin]

QUOTE (paganoman @ Apr 13 2006, 07:59 AM)

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had told their new wives what their household duties were to be. The first man had married a woman from Tennessee. He bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning. He said it took a couple days, on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were done. The second man had married a woman from Florida. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. On the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner onthe table. The third man married a girl from New Jersey. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, hire a cleaning lady, and telephone a landscaper.

 

Pags, I'm emailing this to a few female cousins that live there!

[Pags]

QUOTE (Daylin @ Apr 13 2006, 12:13 PM)

QUOTE (paganoman @ Apr 13 2006, 07:59 AM) Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had told their new wives what their household duties were to be. The first man had married a woman from Tennessee. He bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning. He said it took a couple days, on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were done. The second man had married a woman from Florida. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. On the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner onthe table. The third man married a girl from New Jersey. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, hire a cleaning lady, and telephone a landscaper.   Pags, I'm emailing this to a few female cousins that live there! HAHA

[Rolinda Bonz]

Toddler Miracle Diet

 

Over the years you may have noticed that most 2

year olds are trim. Now, the formula to their success is available to

all in this new diet. You may want to consult your doctor before

embarking on this diet, otherwise, you may be seeing him

afterwards. Good Luck!!!

 

DAY ONE

 

Breakfast: 1 scrambled egg, 1 piece of toast with

grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg using your fingers, dump the rest

on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, smear the jelly over your face and

clothes.

 

Lunch: 4 crayons (any color), a handful of potato

chips, 1 glass of milk (3 sips only, spill the rest).

 

Dinner: 1 dry stick, 2 pennies, 1 nickel, 4 sips

of flat Sprite.

 

Bedtime snack: Throw a piece of toast on the

kitchen floor.

 

DAY TWO

 

Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor

and eat it. Drink 1/2 bottle of vanilla extract or 1 vial of

vegetable dye.

 

Lunch: 1/2 tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a

handful of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). 1 ice cube, if desired.

 

Afternoon Snack: Lick an all-day sucker until

sticky, take outside, drop it in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping

until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on rug.

 

Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean which should be thrust up your left nostril.

Pour grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes, eat with a spoon.

 

DAY THREE

 

Breakfast: 2 pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat 1 with fingers, rub

in hair. Glass of milk, drink 1/2, stuff other pancake in glass. After

breakfast, pick up yesterday's sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, put it on

cushion of best chair.

 

Lunch: 3 matches, peanut butter & jelly sandwich. Spit several bites

onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.

 

Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some

red punch. Try to laugh some punch through your nose, if possible.

 

FINAL DAY

 

Breakfast: A quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an

olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of corn flakes, add 1/2 cup of

sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.

 

Lunch: Eat bread crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet.

Find that sucker and finish eating it.

 

Dinner: 1 glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk.

Leave meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.

 

[Arndrake]

ewwwwwwwwwwww!

 

Ok, here's a repeat of one in honor of Boz's milestone:

 

A young Chinese couple are lying in bed. The young husband turns to the wife and says "Lets do 69." The wife looks at him confused and responds, "Why you want Broccoli Beef at this time of night?"

[Drumnut]

Q: What happened to the pig who lost its voice?

 

A: It became disgruntled!

 

Q: What is a pig's favorite vacation spot?

 

A: Wallow Wallow, Washington!

 

Q: Which magazine does the Big Bad Wolf like to read?

 

A: "Porks Illustrated!"

 

Q: Why should you never tell a pig a secret?

 

A: Because they love to squeal!

 

[sundog]

QUOTE

>>>Once there was a little boy that lived in the country. >>>They had  to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated >>>it because it was hot in the  summer and cold in the winter and stank >>>all the time. The outhouse was  sitting on the bank of a creek and the >>>boy >>>determined that one >>>day he would  push that outhouse into the creek.  One day after a spring >>>rain, the creek  was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day >>>to push >>>the  outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started >>>pushing. >>>Finally,  the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away. >>>That night his dad  told him they were going to the  woodshed after >>>supper. >>>Knowing that meant  a spanking, little boy asked why. The dad replied, >>>"Someone >>>pushed the  outhouse into the >>>creek today. It was you, wasn't it son?" The boy  answered yes. Then he >>>thought a moment and >>>said, "Dad, I read in school  today that George Washington chopped down a >>>cherry tree and didn't  get into trouble because he told the truth." The >>>dad >>>replied, "Well, son,  George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry >>>tree."

 

Got this in an email, sorry, I was too lazy to take out the forward arrows.

[Deathbyspartan]

Whats the differnce between a fox and a dog

 

 

 

 

 

About 8 pints of larger

[Alsgalpal]

QUOTE (Drumnut @ Apr 11 2006, 08:14 PM)

Sorry in advance for this one: What happens when you leave your frog double parked? It gets toad.

[DonnaWanna]

A high school English teacher reminds

her class of tomorrow's final exam.

 

"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for your

not being here tomorrow. I might consider

a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury

or illness, or a death in your immediate family

but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

 

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room

raises his hand and asks,

"What would you say if tomorrow I said

I was suffering from complete and utter

sexual exhaustion?"

 

The entire class does its best to stifle their

laughter and snickering.

 

When silence is restored, the teacher smiles

sympathetically at the student, shakes her head,

and sweetly says,

"Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam

with your other hand."

 

It took 15 minutes for the class to come to order

 

 

 

A rugged cowboy from Brokeback Mountain, Wyoming, goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.

 

The doctor comes back and says, "I am not going to beat around the bush, You have AIDS."

 

The cowboy tugs at his Stetson and sets his jaw and says, "Doc, what can I do?"

The doctor says, "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grapenuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice."

 

The cowboy squares his rugged shoulders and asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"

 

"No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of

what your ass is for."

 

[DonnaWanna]

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

"What a coincidence," he said, "This is a special day for me. I'm celebrating."

This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!," says the woman.

What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses he asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."

 

"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"

"I switched cocks," he replied.

She smiled and said, "What a coincidence!"

 

[blonde77th]

Donna you crack me up

[CeeJ]

omg...

not only did i enjoy that my 17 years old thought it was COOL!!!

 

 

[sundog]

CAKE OR BED

 

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interupts,

"Honey, could you please fix the light in the hallway, it's been flickering for weeks now?"

He looks at her angrily and says, "fix the lights now? Does it look like I have GE written on my forehead? I don't think so."

 

"Fine"

 

Then the wife asks, "well could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."

 

"Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."

 

"Fine, then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They are about to break."

 

"I'm not a carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps. Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so, I have had enough of you, I'm going for a beer.

 

So he goes to the bar for a couple of hours and starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife and decides to go home.

 

As he walks into the house, he realizes that the steps are fixed, the hall light is working and when he goes to grab a beer from the fridge, he notices that the fridge door is no longer broken.

 

He asks, " honey, how'd all this get fixed?"

 

"Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then this nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs and all I had to do was either go to bed with him, or bake him a cake."

 

"Well, what kind of cake did you bake him?"

 

She replied, "Hellllllooooooo, Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead? I don't think so."

 

[blonde77th]

[Pags]

I got this from an email this morning:

 

A blonde (not you blonde77th) called her old

boyfriend and said, "Please come over here

and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and

I can't figure it out or how to get it started."

 

Her old boyfriend asked, "What is it supposed

to be when it's finished?" The blonde said,

"According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

 

Her old boyfriend decided to go over and help

with the puzzle. She let him in and showed

him where she had the puzzle spread all over

the table.

 

He studied the pieces for a moment, then looked

at the box, then turned to her and said, "First

of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be

able to assemble these pieces into anything

resembling a tiger.

 

He took her hand and said, "Second, I want you

to relax. Let's have a nice cup of hot chocolate

and" then he sighed.............. "let's put all these

frosted flakes back in the box."