The Joke Thread (The Good, The Bad & The Ugly)

[Cygnus]

The Blind Wal-Mart Clerk

 

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Wal-Mart associate is standing there wearing dark shades.

 

She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

 

He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes.

 

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line.

 

It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."

 

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

 

"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.

 

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

 

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."

 

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"

 

He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel are $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."

 

[sundog]

A man is driving along a highway

and sees a rabbit jump out

across the middle of the road.

He swerves to avoid hitting it,

but unfortunately

the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

 

 

 

The driver,

a sensitive man as well as an animal lover,

pulls over and gets out to see

what has become of the rabbit.

 

 

 

Much to his dismay,

the rabbit is dead.

 

 

 

The driver feels so awful

that he begins to cry.

 

 

 

A beautiful blonde woman

driving down the highway

sees a man crying on the

side of the road

and pulls over.

 

 

 

She steps out of her car and asks the man what's wrong.

 

 

 

"I feel terrible," !

he explains,

"I accidentally hit this rabbit

and killed it."

 

 

 

The blonde says,

"Don't worry."

 

 

 

She runs to her car

and pulls out a spray can.

 

 

 

She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit,

bends down,

and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.

 

 

 

The rabbit jumps up,

waves its paw at the two of them

and hops off down the road.

 

 

 

Ten feet away the rabbit stops,

turns around and waves again,

he hops down the road another 10 feet,

turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves,

and repeats this again and again and again,

until he hops out of sight.

 

 

 

The man is astonished.

 

 

 

He runs over to the woman and demands,

"What is in that can?

What did you spray on that rabbit?"

 

 

 

The woman turns the can around

so that the man can read the label.

 

 

 

It says..

 

 

 

 

 

(Are you ready for this?)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(Are you sure?)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(This is bad!)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(It's definitely a Blonde Joke!)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(You know you could just click off

and not read the punch line....)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(You can still delete it)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(You know you're gonna be sorry)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(Last chance)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(OK, here it is)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It says,

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Hair Spray -

Restores life to dead hair,

and adds permanent wave."

 

[Drumnut]

You're right Sunny, that is BAD!!!

[sundog]

QUOTE (Drumnut @ Mar 10 2006, 09:12 PM)

You're right Sunny, that is BAD!!!

[Rolinda Bonz]

QUOTE (sundog @ Mar 10 2006, 07:15 PM)

QUOTE (Drumnut @ Mar 10 2006, 09:12 PM) You're right Sunny, that is BAD!!!     but the Permanent Waves part rocks!

[sundog]

** High Priority **

 

MORRIS AND HIS WIFE ESTHER WENT TO THE STATE FAIR EVERY YEAR.

EVERY YEAR, MORRIS WOULD SAY, "ESTHER, I 'D LIKE TO RIDE IN THAT

HELICOPTER."

 

ESTHER ALWAYS REPLIED, "I KNOW MORRIS, BUT THAT HELICOPTER RIDE IS 50

DOLLARS AND 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS."

 

A FEW YEARS LATER, ESTHER AND MORRIS WENT TO THE FAIR. MORRIS SAID,

"ESTHER, I'M 85 YEARS OLD. IF I DON'T RIDE THAT HELICOPTER NOW, I MIGHT

NEVER GET ANOTHER CHANCE."

 

ESTHER REPLIED, "MORRIS, THAT HELICOPTER IS 50 DOLLARS AND $50 DOLLARS

IS 50 DOLLARS."

 

THE PILOT OVERHEARD THE COUPLE. HE SAID, "FOLKS, I'LL MAKE YOU A DEAL.

I'LL TAKE THE BOTH OF YOU FOR A RIDE. IF YOU CAN STAY QUIET FOR THE

ENTIRE RIDE AND NOT SAY A WORD, I WON'T CHARGE YOU! BUT IF YOU SAY ONE

WORD, IT'S 50 DOLLARS."

 

MORRIS AND ESTHER AGREED -- AND UP THEY WENT. THE PILOT DID ALL KINDS

OF FANCY MANEUVERS. BUT NOT A WORD WAS HEARD. HE DID HIS DAREDEVIL

TRICKS OVER AND OVER AGAIN, BUT STILL NOT A WORD. WHEN THEY LANDED,

THE PILOT TURNED TO MORRIS. HE SAID, "BY GOLLY, I DID EVERYTHING I

COULD TO GET YOU TO YELL OUT, BUT YOU DIDN'T. I'M IMPRESSED!"

 

MORRIS REPLIED, "WELL, I WAS GOING TO SAY SOMETHING WHEN ESTHER FELL

OUT, BUT LIKE SHE ALWAYS TOLD ME, 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS."

[Cygnus]

[Drumnut]

[sundog]

 

 

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15

kids...

 

"WOW," the social worker exclaims, are they ALL YOURS???"

 

"Yep they are all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having heard that

question a thousand times before. She says, "Sit down Leroy." All the

children rush to find seats.

 

"Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up.

I'll need all your children's names."

 

"This one's my oldest - he is Leroy."

 

"OK, and who's next?"

 

"Well, this one he is Leroy, also."

 

The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues.

 

One by one,through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy. Then she

is introduced to the eldest girl, named Leighroy!

 

"All right," says the caseworker. "I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they

ALL named Leroy?"

 

Their Momma replied,! "Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to

get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' An' when it's

time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an' they all comes a running.' An'

if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell

'Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, naming

them all Leroy."

 

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her

forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come,

and not the whole bunch?"

 

"I call them by their last names."

 

[Rolinda Bonz]

[Midway Hawker]

QUOTE (sundog @ Mar 21 2006, 06:50 PM)

"I call them by their last names."

Now, that's funny!

 

[ladirushfan80]

Two Indians and a Tennessee Hillbilly were walking through the woods.

All of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small

cave.

"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"he called into the cave and listened

closely until he heard an answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo! He then

tore

off his clothes and ran into the cave.

 

The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all

about. "Was the other Indian crazy or what?" The Indian replied "No, It

is

our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back,

it

means there's a beautiful woman in there waiting for us."

 

Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to the

cave,

stopped, and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"Immediately, there was

the

answer. "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"from deep inside.

He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

 

The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then

spied

a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge

opening, he was thinking, "Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave!

It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big,

 

fine women in this cave!" He stood in front of the opening and hollered

with

all his might

"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"

 

Like the others, he then heard an answering call,

"WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!"

With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave,

tearing off his clothes as he ran.

 

The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read...

 

 

NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY TRAIN

 

 

 

[Cygnus]

Didn't see that one coming

[Cygnus]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v703/RushForum/fartandgo.jpg

[Riv]

 

1. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in high school was my blood

alcohol content.

 

2. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a

peeing section in a swimming pool?

 

3. I live in my own little world, but it's OK, they know me here.

 

4. I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'GUESS' on it. I said:

"Thyroid problem?"

 

5. When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas!

 

6. I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.

 

7. Sign In Oriental Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

 

8. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to

livewith.

 

9. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.

 

10. I have learned there is little difference in husbands/wives, you might as well keep the first.

 

11. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's.

 

12. Travel is very educational. I can now say "Kaopectate" in seven different languages.

 

13. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys

 

14. After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.

 

15. I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect

 

16. I married my wife for her looks. But not the ones she's been

giving me lately!

 

17. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

 

18. No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.

 

19. I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign: "CHECKOUT TIME IS Eighteen

 

20. How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 miss Americas?

 

21. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

 

22. How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

 

23. Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy

 

24. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see

naked?

 

25. I mixed Rogaine with Viagra. Now I've got hair like Don King.

 

26. I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal

point involved

 

27. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

 

28. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise

words: "Don't pick that up. You don't know where it's been

[Daylin]

 

So true

 

Riv

[Riv]

I actualy took this picture in San Francisco at a quickie mart. Too funny.

 

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v470/jcar/DSCF0558.jpg

[Riv]

Am I the only one who thinks this is funny????

 

Say it with an Asian accent.

[Midway Hawker]

dude, that's some funny sheite..

 

 

[sundog]

A 2nd grader asked her mother the age-old question,

"How did I get here?"

Her mother told her, "God sent you."

"Did God send you, too?" asked the child.

"Yes, Dear," the mother replied.

"What about Grandma and Grandpa?" the child persisted.

"He sent them also" the mother said.

"Did he send their parents, too?" asked the child.

"Yes, Dear, He did," said the mother patiently.

"So you're telling me that there has been NO sex in this

family for 200 years? No wonder

everyone's so damn grouchy around here."

 

[Digital Man]

Indian Feathers

 

While touring an Indian reservation in North Dakota filming a

documentary, Barbara Walters was puzzled as to why the difference in the

number of feathers in the headdresses. So, she asked a brave who only had

one feather in his headdress. His reply was: "Only have one woman. One

woman, one feather."

 

Feeling the first fellow was only joking she asked another brave.

This brave had two feathers in his headdress. And he replied: "Me have

two women. Two women, two feathers." Still not convinced the feathers

indicated the number of sexual partners involved, she decided to

interview the Chief.

 

Now the Chief had a headdress full of feathers, which, needless to

say, amused Ms .Walters. She asked the Chief, "Why do you have so many

feathers in your headdress?"

 

The Chief proudly pounded his chest and said: "Me Chief, me sleep

with 'em all. Big, small, and tall, me sleep with 'em all."

 

Horrified, Ms. Walters stated, "You ought to be hung." The Chief

said: "You damn right, me hung, big like buffalo, long like snake" Ms.

Walters cried, "You don't have to be so hostile"

 

The Chief replied: "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any

style.....me sleep with 'em all."

 

With tears in her eyes, Ms. Walters cried, "Oh dear."

 

The Chief said: "No deer?. Ass too high, run too fast.

[Cygnus]

A blond goes to get her hair cut. She's wearing the Walkman that she's never without.

 

She sits in the chair, and the beautician starts to get her ready. The first thing he does, is start taking the headset from her ears.

 

"Oh no", she commands, "This MUST stay on me!"

 

The hairdresser agrees, and he begins to snip and cut.

 

After a few minutes, the blond falls asleep.

 

The hairdresser sees this, and to make his job go easier and faster he gently removes the headset, figuring he can put it back before she wakes up. 10 minutes later he's done.

 

He puts the headset back on her, and gently attempts to awaken her, but to no avail. He shakes her harder, and harder, and then checks her pulse......there is none!

 

They call the paramedics, and they arrive and confirm that she is indeed dead! One of the paramedics then picks up the headset, which is still on, and listens..........

 

"Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in..........."

 

[RockNRush]

[sundog]

OLD ROOSTER

 

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his

chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,

"OK old fart, time for you to retire."

The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of

these chickens. Look what it has done to me.

Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over."

 

The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will

race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the

exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a

chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him.

They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.

He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the

front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and -

BOOM -he blows the young rooster to bits.

 

The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,

 

"Darn.....third gay rooster I bought this month."

 

Moral of this story? ....

Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age, skill, and treachery will always

overcome youth and arrogance!

 

[Sark]

Your momma's so dumb, she thought euthinasia was a Chinese boy band.