nebbish Posted May 23, 2006 Share Posted May 23, 2006 Lost in the supermarket Two men are pushing their shopping trolleys around a store when they collide. The first man says to the second lad, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going". The second man says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate". The first man says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like"? The second man says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, big breasts and is wearing a short skirt and a short t-shirt. What does your wife look like"? The first man says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alsgalpal Posted May 23, 2006 Share Posted May 23, 2006 *giggles* Those are funny!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cygnus Posted May 23, 2006 Share Posted May 23, 2006 It is hard to find a joke without a dirty word or two in it. Here is one: Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arleen2112 Posted May 23, 2006 Share Posted May 23, 2006 THE PROBLEM WITH HIGH URINALS..... A group of Kentucky second, third, and fourth graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Churchill Downs, the famous Louisville race track, to see and learn about thoroughbred horses. When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding onto their "wee-wees" to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the fourth grade." HE REPLIED: "No, ma'am, I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 7th race today. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rolinda Bonz Posted May 24, 2006 Share Posted May 24, 2006 This one came over the email... While watching a football game a couple weeks back, my wife and I were discussing life and death. I told her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug." She promptly got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer. Some days I hate being married to a smartass. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rolinda Bonz Posted May 24, 2006 Share Posted May 24, 2006 http://usera.imagecave.com/RolindaBonz/assfamily.jpg Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sundog Posted May 27, 2006 Share Posted May 27, 2006 A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. the mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen, she dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his mom and asks, "what were you and Dad doing?" The mother replies, "well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it." "Your wasting your time," said the boy. "Why is that?" the mom asked puzzled. "Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blonde77th Posted May 27, 2006 Share Posted May 27, 2006 QUOTE (Rolinda Bonz @ May 24 2006, 12:52 AM) http://usera.imagecave.com/RolindaBonz/assfamily.jpg Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nebbish Posted May 29, 2006 Share Posted May 29, 2006 Tiger Woods goes to Ireland in his BMW. On a golf tour in Ireland, he drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is. "Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground. "What are dose? asks the attendant. "They're called tees" replies Tiger. "Well, what on god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman. "They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger. "Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW tinks of everyting! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cygnus Posted May 31, 2006 Share Posted May 31, 2006 An eight-year-old boy walked into the local grocery store and picked out a large box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over, trying to be friendly, and asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do. "Oh, not laundry. I'm going to wash my dog," said the boy. "But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog," the grocer said. "It's very powerful detergent and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it could even kill him." But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it. The grocer continued to try to convince the boy, but it was no use. The young boy's mind was made up. About a week later, the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer approached the boy and asked him how his dog was doing. "Oh, he died," the boy said sadly. "I'm so sorry son. I tried to warn you that the detergent could kill your dog," the grocer said. "Well," the boy replied. "It wasn't the detergent that killed him." The grocer was a bit relieved. "Oh"? "What was it then"? he asked. "Mom said it was probably the spin cycle." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daylin Posted May 31, 2006 Share Posted May 31, 2006 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LakesideMaiden Posted June 1, 2006 Share Posted June 1, 2006 The very first ever Blonde GUY joke..... And well worth the wait? An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building." The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too." The blonde opened his lunch and said, " Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too." The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well. At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much." (Oh this is GOOD!!)? Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch." ** this does not hold any stereotypical views on what I believe Blondes, Mexicans or Irishman have for lunch. I post this simply because I find it amusing that there is finally a male blonde joke out there Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LakesideMaiden Posted June 1, 2006 Share Posted June 1, 2006 and lastly, a DAD joke. these are usually dry witted and amusing, good for a quick laugh.... A guy walks into his doctor's office. Sits down, looks the doc straight in the eyes and says, "Doc, you gotta help me! I think....I think I'm a MOTH!" The doctor looks at him strangely, and says, "Well, while that is a very odd occurance, I'm really not the doctor qualified to help you out...." He shakes his head and continues, "You know, there's a psychiatrists office across the hall..." The man looks at him a little wildly and says, "Yeah, I know...I made an appointment with him....but you see.....your light was on!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cygnus Posted June 1, 2006 Share Posted June 1, 2006 Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day, and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me!" Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot wine and splashes it on Marie's lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?", says the startled Marie. "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!" She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower." Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts. "Pierre! What are you doing?", asks the bewildered Marie. "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!" They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, Pierre, kiss me lower!" Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep in the water, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?" Our hero stands up defiantly and says, "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LakesideMaiden Posted June 1, 2006 Share Posted June 1, 2006 LMFAO that one was great! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wibblet Posted June 1, 2006 Share Posted June 1, 2006 ...and here I was wondering what he was going to have with fish. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rolinda Bonz Posted June 2, 2006 Share Posted June 2, 2006 NUNS SITTING BEHIND A COUPLE OF NUNS AT A BASEBALL GAME (WHOSE HEAD GEAR PARTIALLY BLOCKED THE VIEW), THREE MEN DECIDED TO BADGER THE NUNS IN AN EFFORT TO GET THEM TO MOVE. IN A VERY LOUD VOICE, THE FIRST GUY SAID, "I THINK I'M GOING TO MOVE TO UTAH, THERE ARE ONLY 100 NUNS LIVING THERE." THE SECOND GUY SPOKE UP AND SAID, "I WANT TO GO TO MONTANA, THERE ARE ONLY 5O NUNS LIVING THERE." THE THIRD GUY SAID, "I WANT TO GO TO IDAHO, THERE ARE ONLY 25 NUNS LIVING THERE." ONE OF THE NUNS TURNED AROUND, LOOKED AT THE MEN, AND IN A VERY SWEET, CALM, VOICE SAID, "WHY DON'T YOU GO TO HELL ... THERE AREN'T ANY NUNS THERE." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LakesideMaiden Posted June 2, 2006 Share Posted June 2, 2006 Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before. The first one, a brunette, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words. She says, I just graduated from North Central Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent." They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees; beg for her forgiveness, and release her. The second one, a redhead, is strapped in and gives her last words, "I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the switch and, again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately fall to their knees; beg for her forgiveness, and release her. The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from West Virginia University and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, y'all ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daylin Posted June 2, 2006 Share Posted June 2, 2006 Great jokes everyone! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blonde77th Posted June 3, 2006 Share Posted June 3, 2006 QUOTE (LakesideMaiden @ Jun 2 2006, 01:36 PM) Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before. The first one, a brunette, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words. She says, I just graduated from North Central Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent." They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees; beg for her forgiveness, and release her. The second one, a redhead, is strapped in and gives her last words, "I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the switch and, again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately fall to their knees; beg for her forgiveness, and release her. The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from West Virginia University and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, y'all ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarkCityJay Posted June 3, 2006 Share Posted June 3, 2006 Why do women fake orgasms? Because they think we care Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarkCityJay Posted June 3, 2006 Share Posted June 3, 2006 A horse walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says "hey, why the long face?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarkCityJay Posted June 3, 2006 Share Posted June 3, 2006 How do you circumsize a redneck? Kick his sister in the chin Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarkCityJay Posted June 3, 2006 Share Posted June 3, 2006 What do you call a lesbian with large fingers? Well hung Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alsgalpal Posted June 3, 2006 Share Posted June 3, 2006 QUOTE (Cygnus @ May 23 2006, 07:18 AM) It is hard to find a joke without a dirty word or two in it. Here is one: Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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