The Joke Thread (The Good, The Bad & The Ugly)

[DarkCityJay]

What do you do when an epileptic has a seizure in your bathtub?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Throw in your laundry

[Alsgalpal]

QUOTE (DarkCityJay @ Jun 2 2006, 11:26 PM)

What do you do when an epileptic has a seizure in your bathtub? Throw in your laundry

OH, dood!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[DonnaWanna]

NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK

 

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

 

A half-gallon of 2% milk,

A carton of eggs,

A quart of orange juice,

A head of romaine lettuce,

A 2 lb. can of coffee,

And a 1 lb. package of bacon.

 

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

 

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated,"You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.

 

She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status

 

Curiosity getting the better of her, she "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

 

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

[Alsgalpal]

What do lawyers wear to court?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Get ready now, its gonna blow yer mind...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You ready?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You sure now?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ok, here it goes...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

They wear lawsuits!!!!

[blonde77th]

[MrMiltonBanana]

QUOTE (Alsgalpal @ Jun 6 2006, 08:39 PM)

What do lawyers wear to court? Get ready now, its gonna blow yer mind... You ready? You sure now? Ok, here it goes... They wear lawsuits!!!!

Upon reading this, I have officially left TRF permenantly.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

........

 

 

*looks for "hangs head in shame" emoticon*

[Arndrake]

QUOTE (Alsgalpal @ Jun 6 2006, 05:39 PM)

What do lawyers wear to court? Get ready now, its gonna blow yer mind... You ready? You sure now? Ok, here it goes... They wear lawsuits!!!!

Is that over their legal briefs?

[sundog]

NO TOILET PAPER

 

A little boy asked his teacher if he could go to the bathroom.

She Said yes.

When he went to wipe his fanny there was no toilet paper so, he used his hand.

When he got back to class, his teacher asked, "What do you have in your hand?"

The boy said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get scared away."

He was then sent to the principal's office and the principal asked him, "What do you have in your hand?"

The little boy said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away."

The principal got mad and yelled, "Open your hands NOW!"

He did and the little boy said,

"Oh great , now look what you

did, you scared the shit out of him!"

 

[The Notorious B.S.G.]

I dialed a number and got the following recording:

 

"I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."

 

 

~~~~~

My wife and I had words,

 

but I didn't get to use mine.

~~~~~

As my five year old son and I were headed to McDonald's one day, we passed a car accident. Usually when we see something terrible like that, we say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son,

 

"We should pray."

 

From the back seat I heard his earnest request:

 

"Please, God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."

~~~~~

[LakesideMaiden]

QUOTE (DonnaWanna @ Jun 6 2006, 07:05 PM)

NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: A half-gallon of 2% milk, A carton of eggs, A quart of orange juice, A head of romaine lettuce, A 2 lb. can of coffee, And a 1 lb. package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated,"You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status Curiosity getting the better of her, she "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

[blonde77th]

QUOTE (LakesideMaiden @ Jun 13 2006, 02:57 PM)

QUOTE (DonnaWanna @ Jun 6 2006, 07:05 PM) NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: A half-gallon of 2% milk, A carton of eggs, A quart of orange juice, A head of romaine lettuce, A 2 lb. can of coffee, And a 1 lb. package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.  While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated,"You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status Curiosity getting the better of her, she "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly." he didn't

[DonnaWanna]

This 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge in Cincinnati he asked her, "What did you steal?"

She replied, "A can of peaches."

 

The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry.

 

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.

 

The judge then said, "I will then give you 6 days in jail."

 

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.

 

The judge said, "What is it?"

 

The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."

[Cygnus]

Subj: FW: The Florida Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising

Date: 6/7/06 11:53:28 AM Eastern Daylight Time

 

The Florida Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers,

>hunters, fishermen, golfers and tourist in general to take extra

>precautions and keep alert for alligators while in Alachua, Marion,

>Lake , Collier, Lee, Seminole, Osceola, Polk, Brevard, Putnam and

>Orange counties.

>

>

>

>They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little

>bells on their shoes or clothing to alert but not startle the

>alligators unexpectedly. They also advise the carrying of pepper

>spray in case of an encounter with an alligator.

>

>

>

>It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of alligator

>activity. People should learn to recognize the difference between

>small young alligator droppings and large adult alligator droppings.

>

>

>

>Young alligator droppings are small and contain fish bones and

>possibly bird feathers. Adult alligator droppings have little bells

>in them and smell like pepper spray.

[nebbish]

[Cygnus]

QUOTE (blonde77th @ Jun 13 2006, 04:13 PM)

QUOTE (LakesideMaiden @ Jun 13 2006, 02:57 PM) QUOTE (DonnaWanna @ Jun 6 2006, 07:05 PM) NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: A half-gallon of 2% milk, A carton of eggs, A quart of orange juice, A head of romaine lettuce, A 2 lb. can of coffee, And a 1 lb. package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.  While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated,"You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status Curiosity getting the better of her, she "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly." he didn't A very unattractive, mean actin' woman walks into Walmart with her two kids. The Walmart Greeter, asks "Are they twins"?   The ugly woman says "No, the oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. "Why?........ Do you think they really look alike?"   "No", replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice"!

[blonde77th]

[DonnaWanna]

http://img65.imageshack.us/img65/9532/pccrash9yu.jpg

 

 

http://img164.imageshack.us/img164/1511/chikshit5vg.jpg

 

http://img65.imageshack.us/img65/6545/tail7dx.jpg

 

[DonnaWanna]

Oldie, But still makes me giggle

 

http://img164.imageshack.us/img164/3227/older6vx.jpg

[DonnaWanna]

Olaf and Sven

 

 

Olaf & Sven were fishing one day when Sven pulled out a cigar. Finding

he had no matches, he asked Olaf for a light.

 

"Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter," he replied. Then reaching into

his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.

 

"Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic lighter in his

hands.

"Vhere dit yew git dat monster??"

"Vell," replied Olaf, "I got it from me Genie."

"You haff a genie in yor tackle box?" Sven asked.

"Ya, shure It's right here in my tackle box," says Olaf.

 

"Could I see him?"

So Olaf opens his tackle box & sure enough, out pops the genie.

Addressing the genie, Sven says, "Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your

master Vill you grant me vun vish?"

"Yes, I will," says the genie.

So Sven asks the genie for a million bucks.

The genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting

there, waiting for his million bucks.

Shortly, the sky darkens & is filled with the sound of a million

ducks...flying overhead.

 

Over the roar of the million ducks Sven yells at Olaf. "Yumpin'

Yimminy! I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"

 

Olaf answers, "Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da genie is hart of

hearing.

Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?"

[Test4VitalSigns]

http://i14.photobucket.com/albums/a321/hemispheres2005/RoM_2006-01_053_Cartoon.jpg

[blonde77th]

QUOTE (DonnaWanna @ Jun 19 2006, 07:22 PM)

Oldie, But still makes me giggle http://img164.imageshack.us/img164/3227/older6vx.jpg

Good 1

[DonnaWanna]

You are driving in a car at a constant speed On your left side is a

valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same

speed as you.

 

In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and

 

you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground

level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the

same

speed as you.

 

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

 

 

Scroll Down For Answer:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Get off the children's carousel and, next time, don't drink so much

 

 

 

[DonnaWanna]

HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION

 

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

 

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

 

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

 

 

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

 

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

 

 

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Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

 

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

 

 

 

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Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

 

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

 

 

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Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

 

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

 

 

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Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

 

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!.. Foods! are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

 

 

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Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

 

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

 

 

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Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

 

A: Are you crazy? HELLO! Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

 

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

>

 

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

 

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

 

 

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Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

 

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

 

And remember:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride"

 

 

[Test4VitalSigns]

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?"

 

The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times.

 

"One day," he begins, "I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream."

 

So I picked up the frog and it said, "Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes."

 

So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.

 

She said, "You now have 3 wishes."

 

I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger."

 

She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!

 

She then asked, "What will be your second wish?"

 

I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. "We then made love for hours!"

 

Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?"

 

I looked at her and replied, "How about a little head?"

[blonde77th]