The Joke Thread (The Good, The Bad & The Ugly)

[Rolinda Bonz]

Obituaries

 

Common Sense

 

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

 

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life isn't always fair, and maybe it was my fault.

 

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place.

 

Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate, teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch, and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

 

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job they failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Panadol, sun lotion or a bandaid to a student, but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have

an abortion.

 

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband, churches became businesses, and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

 

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar can sue you for assault.

 

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

 

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust, his wife, Discretion, his daughter, Responsibility, and his son, Reason. He

is survived by three stepbrothers: I Know My Rights, Someone Else is to

Blame, and I'm A Victim.

 

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him pass this on, if not, join the majority and do nothing.

 

[Cygnus]

http://media.salemwebnetwork.com/TownHall/Car/b/tranquil%20copy.jpg

[Daylin]

QUOTE (Cygnus @ Sep 28 2006, 09:01 AM)

http://media.salemwebnetwork.com/TownHall/Car/b/tranquil%20copy.jpg

 

Cygnus, I always get a laugh, at your sigs! Love 'em

[sundog]

While walking through the Boulder Colorado woods a man

came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against

the tree.

 

Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the

heck are you doing?" I'm listening to the music of the tree," the

other man replied.

 

"You gotta be kiddin' me."

 

"No, would you like to give it a try?"

 

Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he

wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it.

 

With this the other guy, slapped a pair of handcuffs on

him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and

left.

 

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw

this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the

hell happened to you?"

 

He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got

there. When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his

head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said,

 

"Man, this just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake..."

 

[netgirl]

QUOTE (sundog @ Sep 28 2006, 09:54 PM)

While walking through the Boulder Colorado woods a man came upon another  man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?"  I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied. "You gotta be kiddin' me." "No, would you like to give it a try?" Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms  around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this the other guy, slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left. Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed  to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the hell happened to you?" He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there. When he  finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, "Man, this just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake..."

 

[DonnaWanna]

http://www.bordergatewayprotocol.net/jon/h...nimations/1.swf

 

[ladirushfan80]

QUOTE (DonnaWanna @ Sep 29 2006, 10:29 PM)

http://www.bordergatewayprotocol.net/jon/h...nimations/1.swf

 

 

 

 

 

 

[blonde77th]

QUOTE (DonnaWanna @ Sep 29 2006, 10:29 PM)

http://www.bordergatewayprotocol.net/jon/h...nimations/1.swf

[Test4VitalSigns]

http://upshizzle.com/gallery/albums/uploaded/10.06/Woody.JPG

[Arleen2112]

QUOTE (Test4VitalSigns @ Oct 4 2006, 04:24 AM)

http://upshizzle.com/gallery/albums/uploaded/10.06/Woody.JPG

 

[Arleen2112]

QUOTE (DonnaWanna @ Sep 29 2006, 10:29 PM)

http://www.bordergatewayprotocol.net/jon/h...nimations/1.swf

Not so lovable is he

 

[Cygnus]

A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the

marketplace looking at the goods and such when they passed this small

sandal shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent

say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop!" So the married

couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, "I have some special sandals

I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex."

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the

man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the

sex God he was. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a

sex freak?"

The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon." So, the husband, after some

badgering from his wife, finally

gave in, and tried them on.

 

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his

eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years! In the blink of an

eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.

The Jamaican then began screaming, "You got dem on the wrong feet!, you

got dem on the wrong feet!"

 

[Arleen2112]

QUOTE (Cygnus @ Oct 5 2006, 08:28 AM)

A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop!" So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex." Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex God he was. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?" The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon." So, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips. The Jamaican then began screaming, "You got dem on the wrong feet!, you got dem on the wrong feet!"

[The Rocinante]

A woman and her husband were heading to the hospital to have their child delivered. The doctor informs them that a new technology has arrived that can reduce the pain of childbirth and transferring it to the father. They decided to try it. The doctor starts out with 10% of the pain transferred to the father, the husband feels fine, so the doctor bumps it up to 15%, then to 20%, annd so on.

 

When it reaches 50% the husband asks to take it up to 100%. The wife deliveres the child painlessly and they leave home later that evening.

 

When the couple arrives home, they see that the milkman has died on their porch

[Daylin]

QUOTE (The Rocinante @ Oct 8 2006, 01:59 AM)

A woman and her husband were heading to the hospital to have their child delivered. The doctor informs them that a new technology has arrived that can reduce the pain of childbirth and transferring it to the father. They decided to try it. The doctor starts out with 10% of the pain transferred to the father, the husband feels fine, so the doctor bumps it up to 15%, then to 20%, annd so on. When it reaches 50% the husband asks to take it up to 100%. The wife deliveres the child painlessly and they leave home later that evening. When the couple arrives home, they see that the milkman has died on their porch

I didn't see that one coming

[Cygnus]

A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup.

 

So she peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motorhome!

 

I've won a motorhome!"

 

The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free Lunch.?"

 

But the blonde keeps on screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!"

 

Finally, the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken.

You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome because we didn't have that as a prize.

 

The blonde says, "No, it's not a mistake. I've won a motorhome!"

 

And she hands the ticket to the manager and HE reads...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"W I N A B A G E L"

 

[blonde77th]

[Maddy]

I thought it was "Winabagel" the first time I heard someone say it - couldn't figure out why someone named a trailer after food...

 

Yeah, brunettes have "blonde moments," too...

[Test4VitalSigns]

http://upshizzle.com/gallery/albums/uploaded/10.06/perfect%20husband.jpg

[The Rocinante]

QUOTE (Test4VitalSigns @ Oct 12 2006, 07:44 PM)

http://upshizzle.com/gallery/albums/uploaded/10.06/perfect%20husband.jpg

[sundog]

BILLY BOB AND RUFUS WORKED TOGETHER IN A KENTUCKY

CLOTHING FACTORY; BOTH WERE LAID OFF, SO THEY WENT

TO THE UNEMPLOYMENT OFFICE.

 

WHEN ASKED HIS OCCUPATION, BILLY BOB SAID, "PANTY

STITCHER... I SEW ELASTIC INTO LADIES COTTON

PANTIES"

 

THE CLERK LOOKED UP "PANTY STITCHER," FOUND IT WAS

LISTED AS UNSKILLED LABOR, SO SHE PUT HIM DOWN FOR

$300 A WEEK UNEMPLOYMENT PAY.

 

 

SHE ASKED RUFUS HIS OCCUPATION AND HE SAID, "DIESEL

FITTER", WHICH WAS LISTED AS A SKILLED JOB AND PUT

HIM DOWN FOR $600.

 

WHEN BILLY BOB FOUND OUT ABOUT THIS, HE WAS FURIOUS!

HE STORMED BACK INTO THE OFFICE TO FIND OUT WHY HIS

CO-WORKER GOT TWICE THE PAY.

 

THE CLERK EXPLAINED, "PANTY STITCHERS ARE UNSKILLED,

AND DIESEL FITTERS ARE SKILLED LABOR"

 

"WHAT SKILL?" YELLED BILLY BOB. "I SEW THE ELASTIC

ON THE PANTIES AND RUFUS PUTS 'EM OVER HIS HEAD AND

SAYS, 'DIESEL FITTER.' "

 

[blonde77th]

QUOTE (sundog @ Oct 13 2006, 08:02 AM)

BILLY BOB AND RUFUS WORKED TOGETHER IN A KENTUCKY CLOTHING FACTORY; BOTH WERE LAID OFF, SO THEY WENT TO THE UNEMPLOYMENT OFFICE. WHEN ASKED HIS OCCUPATION, BILLY BOB SAID, "PANTY STITCHER... I SEW ELASTIC INTO LADIES COTTON PANTIES" THE CLERK LOOKED UP "PANTY STITCHER," FOUND IT WAS LISTED AS UNSKILLED LABOR, SO SHE PUT HIM DOWN FOR $300 A WEEK UNEMPLOYMENT PAY. SHE ASKED RUFUS HIS OCCUPATION AND HE SAID, "DIESEL FITTER", WHICH WAS LISTED AS A SKILLED JOB AND PUT HIM DOWN FOR $600. WHEN BILLY BOB FOUND OUT ABOUT THIS, HE WAS FURIOUS! HE STORMED BACK INTO THE OFFICE TO FIND OUT WHY HIS CO-WORKER GOT TWICE THE PAY. THE CLERK EXPLAINED, "PANTY STITCHERS ARE UNSKILLED, AND DIESEL FITTERS ARE SKILLED LABOR" "WHAT SKILL?" YELLED BILLY BOB. "I SEW THE ELASTIC ON THE PANTIES AND RUFUS PUTS 'EM OVER HIS HEAD AND SAYS, 'DIESEL FITTER.' "

[Jack Aubrey]

[Cygnus]

One day an old women walked into a shop and got some dog food, she went to pay for it and the cashier said you can't buy that dog food we need evidence that you have a dog, so she bought in her dog and she got the dog food.

The next day the same old lady went to get some cat food and the cashier said you can't have that cat food we need evidence that you have a cat, so she went home and got her cat and she got the cat food.

Next day the same old lady went in again and she had a box, she told the cashier to put her finger in it, so she did. She said it felt warm and soft, the little old lady then said

 

 

 

now you're satisfied can I have some toilet paper please !

[DonnaWanna]

UpDate ur livin will!!! its for ur own good!

 

I, __________ , being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it, or lawyers / doctors interested in simply running up the bills. If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:

 

Glass of wine

chocolate

Margarita

chocolate

Martini

Cold Beer

chocolate

Chicken fried steak

cream gravy

chocolate

Mexican food

chocolate

French fries

chocolate

Pizza

chocolate

ice cream

cup of tea

chocolate

Chocolate

Sex

Chocolate

It should be presumed that I won't ever get better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day.