The Joke Thread (The Good, The Bad & The Ugly)

[blonde77th]

Truck for sale !!!

 

 

 

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that truck???!!!"

He calmly told them, "I bought it today."

 

"With what money?" demanded his parents. They knew what a Chevrolet Avalanche cost.

 

"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars." So the

parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?" they said.

 

"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. I don't know her name - they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars."

 

"Oh my Goodness!," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on." So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new

Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

 

"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a a coffee break, but learned from a friend he had ran off to Hawaii with his mistress and really doesn't intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Chevrolet Avalanche and send him the money. So I did."

 

(Are women good or what?)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[The Rocinante]

QUOTE (blonde77th @ Oct 18 2006, 01:24 PM)

Truck for sale !!! A fifteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that truck???!!!" He calmly told them, "I bought it today." "With what money?" demanded his parents. They knew what a Chevrolet Avalanche cost. "Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars." So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?" they said. "It was the lady up the street," said the boy. I don't know her name - they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars." "Oh my Goodness!," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on." So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it. "Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a a coffee break, but learned from a friend he had ran off to Hawaii with his mistress and really doesn't intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Chevrolet Avalanche and send him the money. So I did." (Are women good or what?)

[Test4VitalSigns]

 

http://upshizzle.com/gallery/albums/uploaded/10.06/makemeirr.jpg

[CeeJ]

QUOTE (blonde77th @ Oct 18 2006, 04:24 PM)

Truck for sale !!! A fifteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that truck???!!!" He calmly told them, "I bought it today." "With what money?" demanded his parents. They knew what a Chevrolet Avalanche cost. "Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars." So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?" they said. "It was the lady up the street," said the boy. I don't know her name - they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars." "Oh my Goodness!," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on." So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it. "Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a a coffee break, but learned from a friend he had ran off to Hawaii with his mistress and really doesn't intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Chevrolet Avalanche and send him the money. So I did." (Are women good or what?)

 

GREAT ONE!!!

 

This sounds like something I would do.

 

 

[Test4VitalSigns]

First Lady Hillary Clinton and Attorney General Janet Reno were having

one of those girl to girl talks. Hillary says to Janet, "You're lucky

that you don't have to put up with men having sex with you. I have to

put up with Bill, and there is no telling where he last had his pecker."

Janet responded. "Just because I am considered ugly, doesn't mean

I don't have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances."

Hillary asks, "Well how do you deal with the problem?"

Janet: "Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass

at me, I muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest,

fart I can." And believe me, that takes the wind out of his sails, so

to speak!

Hillary was impressed and thank the General for her sage advice and

hurried home.

Well, that night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when

Hillary headed for bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew

that he would be wanting some action. She had been saving her farts

all day, and was ready for him. She tenses up her butt cheeks and

forces out the most disgusting sounding fart you could imagine.

Bill rolls over and says, "Is that you Janet?."

[CeeJ]

The Fire Engine

 

 

A firefighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a

little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides

and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

 

The girl is wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog

and her cat.

 

The firefighter walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire

truck", the firefighter says with admiration.

 

"Thanks", the girl says.

 

The firefighter takes a closer look and notices the girl has tied her wagon to the

dog's collar and the cat's testicles.

 

"Little Partner", the firefighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your

rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could

go faster."

 

The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't

have a siren."

 

[CeeJ]

How To Clean The Toilet

 

 

Instructions:

 

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the

water in the bowl.

 

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

 

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids.

You may need to stand on the lid.

 

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that

come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

 

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and

rinse".

 

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no

people between the bathroom and the front door.

 

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

 

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and

run outside where he will dry himself off.

 

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

 

Sincerely,

The Dog

 

[CeeJ]

Idiots

 

IDIOTS IN TOWN:

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk

noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She

informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card

was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to

compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the

credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the

one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

 

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the

local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer

Crossing sign on our road. The reason: too many deer were being hit by

cars and he didn't want them to cross there anymore.

 

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the

person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry,

but they only had iceberg.

 

IDIOT SIGHTING #1:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee

asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?"

To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"

He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

 

IDIOT SIGHTING #2:

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I

was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine when she

asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals

blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on

earth are blind people doing driving?!"

 

IDIOT SIGHTING #3:

At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who is leaving the

company due to 'downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully, "this is

fun. We should do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all just

looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

 

IDIOT SIGHTING #4:

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself

and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not

turn on.

 

IDIOT SIGHTING #5:

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our

car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service

department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the

driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I

instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.

"Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" To which he replied,

"I know - I already got that side."

[CeeJ]

Just Another Day

 

 

One day, a man comes home from work to find total

mayhem at home. The three children were outside,

still in their pajamas, playing in the mud and muck.

There were empty food boxes and wrappers strewn

all around the front yard.

 

As he proceeded into the house, he found an even

bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and

the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the

front room, the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel,

and the family room was strewn with toys and various

items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink,

breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food

was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the

table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the

back door.

 

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys

and more piles of clothes, to look for his wife. He

was becoming worried that she may be ill, or that

something or that something serious had happened.

 

He found her in the bedroom, still curled in the bed

in her pajamas, reading a book. She looked up at him,

smiled, and asked how his day went.

 

He looked at her bewildered and asked,

"What happened here today?"

 

She again smiled and answered, "You know

everyday when you come home from work and

ask me what in the world I did today?"

 

"Yes," was his baffled reply.

 

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it!"

 

[Cygnus]

A MAN WAS WALKING HOME ALONE LATE ONE FOGGY NIGHT WHEN BEHIND HIM HE HEARS...

BUMP...

 

BUMP...

 

BUMP...

 

WALKING FASTER, HE LOOKS BACK AND THROUGH THE FOG HE MAKES OUT THE IMAGE OF AN UPRIGHT CASKET BANGING ITS WAY DOWN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET TOWARD HIM.

 

BUMP...

 

BUMP...

 

BUMP...

 

TERRI FIED, THE MAN BEGINS TO RUN TOWARD HIS HOME, THE CASKET BOUNCING WILDLY BEHIND HIM.

 

FASTER...

 

FASTER...

 

BUMP...

 

BUMP...

 

BUMP...

 

HE RUNS UP TO HIS DOOR, FUMBLING WITH HIS KEYS, OPENS THE DOOR, RUSHES IN, SLAMS AND LOCKS THE DOOR BEHIND HIM.

 

HOWEVER, THE CASKET CRASHES THROUGH HIS DOOR, THE LID OF THE CASKET CLAPPING LOUDLY.

 

CLAPPI TY-BUMP...

 

CLAPPITY-BUMP...

 

CLAPPITY-BUMP...ON HIS HEELS, THE TERRIFIED MAN RUNS!!!

 

RUSHING UPSTAIRS, THE MAN LOCKS HIMSELF IN THE BATHROOM. HIS HEART IS POUNDING, HIS HEAD IS REELING, HIS BREATH COMING IS SOBBING GASPS.

 

WITH A LOUD CRASH THE CASKET BREAKS DOWN THE DOOR, BUMPING AND CLAPPING TOWARD HIM.

 

THE MAN SCREAMS AND REACHES FOR SOMETHING.....ANYTHING, BUT ALL HE CAN FIND IS A BOTTLE OF COUGH SYRUP!

 

DESPERATE, HE THROWS THE BOTTLE OF COUGH SYRUP AT THE CASKET...

AND...

 

THE COFFIN STOPS!

 

 

[Daylin]

QUOTE (Test4VitalSigns @ Oct 19 2006, 06:26 PM)

First Lady Hillary Clinton and Attorney General Janet Reno were having one of those girl to girl talks. Hillary says to Janet, "You're lucky that you don't have to put up with men having sex with you. I have to put up with Bill, and there is no telling where he last had his pecker." Janet responded. "Just because I am considered ugly, doesn't mean I don't have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances." Hillary asks, "Well how do you deal with the problem?" Janet: "Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, I muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest, fart I can." And believe me, that takes the wind out of his sails, so to speak! Hillary was impressed and thank the General for her sage advice and hurried home. Well, that night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary headed for bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would be wanting some action. She had been saving her farts all day, and was ready for him. She tenses up her butt cheeks and forces out the most disgusting sounding fart you could imagine. Bill rolls over and says, "Is that you Janet?."

[ladirushfan80]

TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND

DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN. AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY

END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL.

 

THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND

WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, "GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT

AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED. THESE TWO ARE SO

OLD AND DRUNK, I'M

NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE

DIFFERENCE."

 

 

THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO

UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.

 

AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, "YOU KNOW, I

THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!"

 

 

"DEAD?" SAYS HIS FRIEND, "WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?

 

"WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS

LOVING HER."

 

HIS FRIEND SAYS, "COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A

WITCH."

" A WITCH, WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?"

 

"WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK

AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE

WINDOW

[Khan]

Before it starts

 

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it Starts."

 

His wife looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.

When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna Start." This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.

 

When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."

"That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop Your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?!!"

 

The husband sighed. "Oh shit, it's started."

 

[blonde77th]

QUOTE (ladirushfan80 @ Oct 20 2006, 03:44 PM)

TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN. AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL. THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, "GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED. THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE." THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS. AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, "YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!" "DEAD?" SAYS HIS FRIEND, "WHY DO YOU SAY THAT? "WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER." HIS FRIEND SAYS, "COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH." " A WITCH, WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?" "WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW

[Daylin]

QUOTE (blonde77th @ Oct 20 2006, 02:49 PM)

QUOTE (ladirushfan80 @ Oct 20 2006, 03:44 PM) TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND     DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN. AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY     END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL.     THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND     WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, "GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT     AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED. THESE TWO ARE SO     OLD AND DRUNK, I'M     NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE     DIFFERENCE."     THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO     UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.     AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, "YOU KNOW, I     THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!"     "DEAD?" SAYS HIS FRIEND, "WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?     "WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS     LOVING HER."     HIS FRIEND SAYS, "COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A     WITCH."     " A WITCH, WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?"     "WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK     AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE     WINDOW

[Drumnut]

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

 

Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out on it.

 

The Taliban asked, "I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?"

 

The Jew replied, "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie? They are only $150.00. Here's one that goes very nicely with your robes."

 

The Taliban shouted, "I don't want an overpriced tie, you idiot, I need water!"

 

The Jew replied, "OK then, don't buy my ties. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you that over that hill there, about four miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way; they have all the water you need."

 

The Taliban begrudgingly thanked him, then staggered away towards the hill and eventually disappeared.

 

Four hours later the Taliban came crawling back to where the Jewish man was sitting behind his card table.

The Jew said,"...I told you, about four miles over that

hill. Couldn't you find it?"

 

The Taliban rasped, "I found it all right. Your brother wouldn't let me in without a tie!"

[Test4VitalSigns]

http://upshizzle.com/gallery/albums/uploaded/10.06/birthcontrol.jpg

[Daylin]

QUOTE (Test4VitalSigns @ Oct 23 2006, 01:42 PM)

http://upshizzle.com/gallery/albums/uploaded/10.06/birthcontrol.jpg

[Rolinda Bonz]

QUOTE (RushNut @ Oct 20 2006, 12:46 PM)

Before it starts A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it Starts." His wife looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna Start." This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts." "That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop Your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?!!" The husband sighed. "Oh shit, it's started."

[Cygnus]

Mildred was a 93-year-old woman, particularly despondent over the death of her husband, Earl. She decided she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast." Later that night Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

[Daylin]

QUOTE (Cygnus @ Oct 24 2006, 10:38 AM)

Mildred was a 93-year-old woman, particularly despondent over the death of her husband, Earl. She decided she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast." Later that night Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

 

Cygnus, I'm laughing the morning away, from all your jokes

[Cygnus]

Halloween Costume

 

 

A black man and his wife were going to a Halloween party in a couple

of days so the husband tells his wife to go to the store and get costumes for them to wear.

 

When he comes home that night he goes into the bedroom and

there laid out on the bed is a Superman costume.

 

The husband yells at his

wife,

 

"What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Superman? Take this back and get me something else I can wear."

 

The next day the wife, not too happy,returns the costume and gets a replacement.

 

The husband comes home from work goes to the bedroom

and there,laid out on the bed, is a Batman costume.

 

He again yells at his poor wife,

 

"What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Batman? Take this back and get me something I can wear to the costume party!"

 

The next morning his irate wife goes shopping. When the husband comes home again from work, there laid out on the bed are three items:

 

One is a set of three white buttons.

 

The second is a thick white belt.

 

And the third item is a 2 x 4.

 

The husband yells at the wife, "What the hell are these for?"

 

The wife yells back, "Take your clothes off. You can put the three white buttons on the front of you and go as a domino."

 

"If you don't like that idea, you can put the white belt on and go as an Oreo."

 

"And if you don't like THAT idea, you can shove the 2 x 4 up your A_ _ and go as a fudgesicle!"

 

[Daylin]

^^^^ Cygnus, now I'm laughing in the afternoon, as well

 

Thanks, for these

[Rhiannon_of_Rivendell]

The woman applying for a job in a lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.

 

"Look Miss," said the foreman, "do you have any experience in picking lemons?"

 

"Well, as a matter of fact, yes," she replied.

 

 

 

"I've been divorced three times."

[Test4VitalSigns]

The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony, beaming at the thousands of people in the courtyard below. The Queen said to the Pope out of the side of her mouth, "I bet you a tenner that I can make every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand."

The Pope replied, "No way! You can't do that." The Queen said, "Watch this!" So, the Queen waved her hand and every English person in the crowd went crazy, waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering like mad. The Pope was standing there thinking, "Oh no, what am I going to do? I never thought she'd be able to do it." He thought to himself for a minute, and then turned to her and said, "I bet you I can make every Irish person in the crowd go wild. Not just now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head." The Queen replied, "No way, it can't be done." So, the Pope head-butted her.