The Joke Thread (The Good, The Bad & The Ugly)

[failte]

QUOTE (sullysue @ Dec 2 2006, 11:41 AM)

GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER: 1. Sag, you're it. 2. Hide and go pee. 3. 20 questions shouted in your good ear. 4. Kick the bucket. 5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over. 6. Musical recliners. 7. Simon says something incoherent 8. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy.

[blonde77th]

QUOTE (failte @ Dec 2 2006, 12:17 PM)

QUOTE (sullysue @ Dec 2 2006, 11:41 AM) GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER: 1. Sag, you're it. 2. Hide and go pee. 3. 20 questions shouted in your good ear. 4. Kick the bucket. 5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over. 6. Musical recliners. 7. Simon says something incoherent 8. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy. Too funny

[Cygnus]

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight. When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.

The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive".

"How much?" asked Grandpa.

"$10.00 a pill," answered the son.

"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."

Later the next morning, the son found $110..00 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00."

"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma."

[CeeJ]

QUOTE (Cygnus @ Dec 6 2006, 10:16 AM)

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight. When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills. The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive". "How much?" asked Grandpa. "$10.00 a pill," answered the son. "I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow." Later the next morning, the son found $110..00 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00." "I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma."

 

[blonde77th]

QUOTE (CeeJ @ Dec 6 2006, 10:19 AM)

QUOTE (Cygnus @ Dec 6 2006, 10:16 AM) Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight. When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills. The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive". "How much?" asked Grandpa. "$10.00 a pill," answered the son. "I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow." Later the next morning, the son found $110..00 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00." "I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma."

[Daylin]

QUOTE (blonde77th @ Dec 6 2006, 09:30 AM)

QUOTE (CeeJ @ Dec 6 2006, 10:19 AM) QUOTE (Cygnus @ Dec 6 2006, 10:16 AM) Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight. When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills. The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive". "How much?" asked Grandpa. "$10.00 a pill," answered the son. "I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow." Later the next morning, the son found $110..00 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00." "I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma."

[Cygnus]

Little Johnny's Christmas Morning - Little Johnny was becoming naughty days before Christmas and his father was getting tired of tackling him. Someone suggested him to leave a pile of dog poop in place of the gift if Johnny behaved naughtily. Two days before Christmas, Johnny's father asked him what he wanted for Christmas. Johnny replied, "I want a teddy-bear lying by my side, a toy train near the Christmas tree and a bike leaning up against the garage." On Christmas morning, Little Johnny was astonished to find a pile of dog poop by his side, by the tree and by the garage. When his father asked, "Johnny replied," I think I got a dog but I can't find the son-of-a-bitch!"

[Daylin]

QUOTE (Cygnus @ Dec 11 2006, 02:33 PM)

Little Johnny's Christmas Morning - Little Johnny was becoming naughty days before Christmas and his father was getting tired of tackling him. Someone suggested him to leave a pile of dog poop in place of the gift if Johnny behaved naughtily. Two days before Christmas, Johnny's father asked him what he wanted for Christmas. Johnny replied, "I want a teddy-bear lying by my side, a toy train near the Christmas tree and a bike leaning up against the garage." On Christmas morning, Little Johnny was astonished to find a pile of dog poop by his side, by the tree and by the garage. When his father asked, "Johnny replied," I think I got a dog but I can't find the son-of-a-bitch!"

[failte]

[ladirushfan80]

[madra sneachta]

Old Sean lived alone in Ireland. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but

it was very hard work. His only son, Mick, who used to help him, was in an

English prison.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

 

 

Dear Mick,

I am feeling a bit down because it looks like I won't be able to plant me

potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden

plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig

the plot for me.

Love, Dad

 

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Father,

For CHRIST'S SAKE, don't dig up the garden! That's where I buried all them

feckin' BODIES!

 

Love, Mick

 

 

At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen Special Branch detectives and local

police officers showed up and dug up the entire garden down to a depth of

about six feet.

That evening, not finding any bodies, they apologized to the old man and

left.

The next day the old man received another letter from his son:

 

 

Dear Father,

Go ahead and plant yer spuds now. It's the best I could do under the

circumstances.

 

Love, Mick

 

[Riv]

have never understood why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much.

 

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.

 

The passion starts to heat up, when she eventually said "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

 

I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

 

So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You' re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me

To satisfy your physical needs as a man."

 

She then responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not for what I do in the bedroom?"

 

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep...

 

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her.

 

We went out to a good lunch and then went shopping at a very big department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits.

 

She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all.

 

She wanted new shoes to complement her new clothes, so I said "Let's get a pair for each outfit".

 

We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.

 

Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.

 

I started to think she was testing me because she then asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

 

I think I threw her when I said, "That's fine, honey."

 

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

 

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

 

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT?"

 

I then said "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

 

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

 

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either

 

 

[failte]

[Maddy]

QUOTE (Riv @ Dec 14 2006, 06:19 PM)

have never understood why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. The passion starts to heat up, when she eventually said "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You' re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me To satisfy your physical needs as a man." She then responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not for what I do in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep... The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a good lunch and then went shopping at a very big department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to complement her new clothes, so I said "Let's get a pair for each outfit". We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she then asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT?" I then said "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?" Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either

Or possibly any other night...

[ladirushfan80]

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was

waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt.

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she

became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her

leg to come up to the height of the first step of the

bus.

 

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus

driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a

little, thinking that this would give her enough slack

to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step

only to discover she still couldn't.

 

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached

behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for

the second time attempted the step, and, once again,

much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

With little smile to the driver, she again reached

behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to

make the step.

 

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind

her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her

gently on the step of the bus.

 

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be

Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body!

I don't even know who you are!"

 

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I

would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly

three times, I kinda figured we were friends."

[failte]

[blonde77th]

[ladirushfan80]

 

 

A drunk staggers into a diner and orders a couple of eggs. The waiter, suspecting that they've run out, goes back to question the chef.

 

"Hey, Gus, do we have any more eggs?"

 

Gus replies, "I ran out of fresh eggs, I only have two rotten eggs left."

 

The waiter says, "Give him the rotten eggs. He's so bombed he won't know the difference."

 

Gus scrambles up the rotten eggs and heaps on hash browns, sausage and toast. The drunk is so hungry he wolfs down the breakfast without comment.

 

He goes to pay the cashier and asks, "Where'd you get those eggs?"

 

She replies, "We have our own chicken farm."

 

The drunk asks, "Do you have a rooster?

 

"No," she says.

 

The drunk replies, "Well, you'd better get one, because some skunk is screwing your chickens."

[Daylin]

[Cygnus]

Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder! This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.

 

As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing.

 

As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.

 

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

 

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.

 

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.

 

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

 

I take my check-book off the table, and see that there is only 1 check left.

 

My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.

 

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

 

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.

 

I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

 

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

 

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

 

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs - but first I'll water the flowers.

 

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

 

So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

 

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

 

At the end of the day:

 

the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers haven't been watered, there is still only 1 check in my check book, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

 

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.

 

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

 

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!

 

[ladirushfan80]

QUOTE (Cygnus @ Jan 4 2007, 02:14 PM)

Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder! This is how it manifests: I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing. As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my check-book off the table, and see that there is only 1 check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking. I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered. I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs - but first I'll water the flowers. I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do. At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers haven't been watered, there is still only 1 check in my check book, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys. Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail. Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!

classic!!

 

 

this happens to me ALOT.....

[Daylin]

QUOTE (ladirushfan80 @ Jan 4 2007, 02:01 PM)

QUOTE (Cygnus @ Jan 4 2007, 02:14 PM) Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder! This is how it manifests: I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing. As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my check-book off the table, and see that there is only 1 check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking. I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered. I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs - but first I'll water the flowers. I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do. At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers haven't been watered, there is still only 1 check in my check book, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys. Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail. Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!! classic!!     this happens to me ALOT.....

[blonde77th]

QUOTE (Daylin @ Jan 4 2007, 05:31 PM)

QUOTE (ladirushfan80 @ Jan 4 2007, 02:01 PM) QUOTE (Cygnus @ Jan 4 2007, 02:14 PM) Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder! This is how it manifests: I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing. As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my check-book off the table, and see that there is only 1 check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking. I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered. I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs - but first I'll water the flowers. I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do. At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers haven't been watered, there is still only 1 check in my check book, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys. Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail. Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!! classic!!     this happens to me ALOT..... heck thats me everyday

[failte]

QUOTE (blonde77th @ Jan 4 2007, 05:51 PM)

QUOTE (Daylin @ Jan 4 2007, 05:31 PM) QUOTE (ladirushfan80 @ Jan 4 2007, 02:01 PM) QUOTE (Cygnus @ Jan 4 2007, 02:14 PM) Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder! This is how it manifests: I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing. As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my check-book off the table, and see that there is only 1 check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking. I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered. I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs - but first I'll water the flowers. I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do. At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers haven't been watered, there is still only 1 check in my check book, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys. Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail. Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!! classic!!     this happens to me ALOT..... heck thats me everyday me too!! i spend half of my shift trying to figure out what it was that i was doing....

[sundog]

OMG, that's so true!