The Joke Thread (The Good, The Bad & The Ugly)

[Cygnus]

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put.

He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

 

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled

pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a

hospital security guard who watched the whole incident walked up and asked,

 

"What the heck is going on?"

 

The drunk, still staring down, replied:

 

"I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost."

 

[Daylin]

QUOTE (Rhiannon_of_Rivendell @ Oct 25 2006, 11:41 PM)

The woman applying for a job in a lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job. "Look Miss," said the foreman, "do you have any experience in picking lemons?" "Well, as a matter of fact, yes," she replied. "I've been divorced three times."

[Daylin]

QUOTE (Test4VitalSigns @ Oct 26 2006, 04:58 AM)

The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony, beaming at the thousands of people in the courtyard below. The Queen said to the Pope out of the side of her mouth, "I bet you a tenner that I can make every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand." The Pope replied, "No way! You can't do that." The Queen said, "Watch this!" So, the Queen waved her hand and every English person in the crowd went crazy, waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering like mad. The Pope was standing there thinking, "Oh no, what am I going to do? I never thought she'd be able to do it." He thought to himself for a minute, and then turned to her and said, "I bet you I can make every Irish person in the crowd go wild. Not just now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head." The Queen replied, "No way, it can't be done." So, the Pope head-butted her.

[Daylin]

QUOTE (Cygnus @ Oct 26 2006, 02:02 PM)

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard who watched the whole incident walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on?" The drunk, still staring down, replied: "I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost."

 

Too funny

[DonnaWanna]

not so mucha joke..but a funny vid

 

http://www.glumbert.com/media/sesamestreet

 

 

[The Rocinante]

QUOTE (Cygnus @ Oct 24 2006, 01:30 PM)

Halloween Costume A black man and his wife were going to a Halloween party in a couple of days so the husband tells his wife to go to the store and get costumes for them to wear. When he comes home that night he goes into the bedroom and there laid out on the bed is a Superman costume. The husband yells at his wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Superman? Take this back and get me something else I can wear." The next day the wife, not too happy,returns the costume and gets a replacement. The husband comes home from work goes to the bedroom and there,laid out on the bed, is a Batman costume. He again yells at his poor wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Batman? Take this back and get me something I can wear to the costume party!" The next morning his irate wife goes shopping. When the husband comes home again from work, there laid out on the bed are three items: One is a set of three white buttons. The second is a thick white belt. And the third item is a 2 x 4. The husband yells at the wife, "What the hell are these for?" The wife yells back, "Take your clothes off. You can put the three white buttons on the front of you and go as a domino." "If you don't like that idea, you can put the white belt on and go as an Oreo." "And if you don't like THAT idea, you can shove the 2 x 4 up your A_ _ and go as a fudgesicle!"

[Rolinda Bonz]

QUOTE (DonnaWanna @ Nov 2 2006, 03:41 PM)

not so mucha joke..but a funny vid http://www.glumbert.com/media/sesamestreet

[ladirushfan80]

-----A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a

head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of

bacon.

 

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a

drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of

the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly

stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was

intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She

looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly

unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her

marital status.

 

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what,

you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

 

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

[The Notorious B.S.G.]

Some friends were playing poker one evening. Steve accidentally dropped a card on the floor. When he bent over to pick it up, he noticed Bill's wife Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress. Shocked by this, Steve upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

 

Later, Steve went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed him and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there??"

 

Surprised by her boldness, Steve courageously admitted that, well indeed he had. She said "Well, you can have it, but it will cost you $500.00."

 

After taking a minute or two to asses the financial and moral costs of this offer, Steve confirmed that he was interested. She told him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and Steve doesn't, Steve should be at her house around 2:00 pm Friday afternoon.

 

When Friday rolled around, Steve showed up at Bill's house at 2:00 pm sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction as agreed. Steve quickly dressed and left.

 

As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 pm and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly, "Did Steve come by the house this afternoon ?"!

 

With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a

few minutes this afternoon."

 

Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked "And did he give you $500 ?"

 

In terror, she assumed that somehow he had found out, and after mustering her best poker face replied "Well, yes, in fact he did give me

$500."

 

Bill, with a satisfied look on his face surprised his wife by saying "Good, I was hoping he did. He came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on

his way home and pay me back."

 

Now THAT my friends is a poker player.

[Cygnus]

THE MAN ON THE BEACH.....

 

A MAN WAS SITTING ON A BLANKET AT THE BEACH.

 

HE HAD NO ARMS AND NO LEGS.

 

THREE WOMEN WERE WALKING PAST AND FELT SORRY FOR THE POOR MAN.

 

THE FIRST WOMAN SAID "HAVE YOU EVER HAD A HUG?"

 

THE MAN SAID "NO," SO SHE GAVE HIM A HUG AND WALKED ON.

 

THE SECOND WOMAN SAID "HAVE YOU EVER HAD A KISS?"

 

THE MAN SAID "NO," SO SHE GAVE HIM A KISS AND WALKED ON.

 

THE THIRD WOMAN WALKED OVER TO HIM AND WHISPERED IN HIS EAR : "HAVE YOU EVER BEEN F*CKED?"

 

THE MAN LOOKED UP IN AMAZEMENT AND SAID "NO!"

 

SHE SMILED AND SAID : "WELL YOU WILL BE WHEN THE TIDE COMES IN !"

 

 

[blonde77th]

QUOTE (Cygnus @ Nov 6 2006, 02:28 PM)

THE MAN ON THE BEACH..... A MAN WAS SITTING ON A BLANKET AT THE BEACH. HE HAD NO ARMS AND NO LEGS. THREE WOMEN WERE WALKING PAST AND FELT SORRY FOR THE POOR MAN. THE FIRST WOMAN SAID "HAVE YOU EVER HAD A HUG?" THE MAN SAID "NO," SO SHE GAVE HIM A HUG AND WALKED ON. THE SECOND WOMAN SAID "HAVE YOU EVER HAD A KISS?" THE MAN SAID "NO," SO SHE GAVE HIM A KISS AND WALKED ON. THE THIRD WOMAN WALKED OVER TO HIM AND WHISPERED IN HIS EAR : "HAVE YOU EVER BEEN F*CKED?" THE MAN LOOKED UP IN AMAZEMENT AND SAID "NO!" SHE SMILED AND SAID : "WELL YOU WILL BE WHEN THE TIDE COMES IN !"

[ladirushfan80]

GIT- R- DUN

 

"Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"

 

"Yes. What can I do for you?"

 

"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....He's

hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it

inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there."

 

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

 

The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house.

They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes,

they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They

sneer at Virgil and leave.

 

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.

"Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....did the Sheriff come?"

 

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep!"

 

"Happy Birthday, buddy!"

(Rednecks know how to git-R-dun)

[GeddyRulz]

The only time it's a good thing to say "I have diahhrea" is when you're playing Scrabble.

(Cuz, you know, it's worth a lot of points.)

[madra sneachta]

This is doing the rounds here, but I suspect it'll travel just fine!!!

 

 

A guy walks into the Letterkenny welfare office, marches straight up to the

counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare.

I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We

just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and

bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive

around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes.

Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to

escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her

sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage.

The starting salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're Bullshittin' me!"

The Social Worker says, "Yeah, well... You started it."

[madra sneachta]

Doctor's Receptionist

 

They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is very embarrassing. There's nothing worse than a doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

 

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.... The receptionist said, "Yes, sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"

 

"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."

 

Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

 

The receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something, and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

 

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

 

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes??"

 

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

I can't piss out of it," he replied.

 

The waiting room erupted in laughter. Mess with seniors and you're gonna lose!

 

 

[madra sneachta]

I don't know the source of this, and hope it's true, but experience has taught me to check Snopes in the next few days and have my hopes dashed!!!

 

It's still funny though........

 

Marine Corps General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio the other day and

you'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and

children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this!!!!

This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of

National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US

Marine Corps General Reinwald; who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop

visiting his military installation.

 

 

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach

these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and

shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the

rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous

activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle

discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL REINWALD: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but

you're not one, are you?

 

 

The radio went silent and the interview ended

 

 

 

 

Edit to add Snopes Link

 

Damn!

Edited November 7, 2006 by madra sneachta

[DonnaWanna]

Lulu was a prostitute -

One day there was a raid.

All the prostitutes were lined up outside the police station

as they took them in one by one.

 

As Lulu stood in line, she saw her Grandma

coming down the street and was so ashamed.

Grandma didn't know her occupation and stopped to say hi.

She asked what the line was for. Lulu, saving face,

said that the police were giving away fresh oranges to

those waiting. Grandma said wonderful,

she loved oranges and got at the end of the line.

 

When the policeman got to the end and saw her,

he was amazed. He said "How the heck do you do this at your age?"

She said "I just take out my teeth,

rip the skin back and suck'em dry!"

 

The policeman fainted.

 

[blonde77th]

[Cygnus]

A woman sends her clothing out to the local laundry. When it comes back there are still stains in her panties. The next week she encloses a note to the laundryman that says, "Use more soap on panties."

 

This goes on for several weeks, the woman sending the same note to the laundry, "Use more soap on panties."

 

Finally fed up, the laundry man responded with his own note that said, "Use more paper on ass."

[Cygnus]

A father and his young son were in the forest hunting rabbits. After hunting for a while they finally came across some rabbit tracks in the snow. Among the tracks there were these little round brown pellets and the son said to his father, "Dad, what are those?" The father replied, "Those are smart pills. Try a couple." So the kid grabbed a couple of them and put them in his mouth. The boy made a funny face and said to his dad, "Ewww! Yuk! They taste awful." The father replied, "See, you're getting smarter already."

[blonde77th]

Thats

[Ru5h F@n]

I got a few:

 

1. There's a new greek car. It's called the Pervertible.

 

2. Did you hear about the magician that turned into a restaurant?

 

[Rolinda Bonz]

http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c167/RolindaBonz/parrots.gif

[Daylin]

QUOTE (Rolinda Bonz @ Nov 15 2006, 11:51 AM)

http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c167/RolindaBonz/parrots.gif

[ladirushfan80]

QUOTE (Rolinda Bonz @ Nov 15 2006, 12:51 PM)

http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c167/RolindaBonz/parrots.gif

Rolinda...it appears as tho you are getting the same round of emails i have been getting recently.....