The Joke Thread (The Good, The Bad & The Ugly)

[sundog]

Bloke gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a stunning blonde. He immediately turns to her and makes his move.

 

"You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."

 

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"

 

"Oh, I don't know," says the guy. "How about nuclear power?"

 

"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff -- grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"

 

The bloke is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."

 

"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know $hit?"

 

[Daylin]

^^^Funny

[The Rocinante]

QUOTE (failte @ Nov 17 2006, 03:09 PM)

where do kings keep their armies? in their sleevies

 

 

 

 

[The Rocinante]

QUOTE (sundog @ Nov 18 2006, 06:39 AM)

Bloke gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a stunning blonde. He immediately turns to her and makes his move. "You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk." The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?" "Oh, I don't know," says the guy. "How about nuclear power?" "OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff -- grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?" The bloke is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea." "So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know $hit?"

[CeeJ]

TOP 10 SIGNS YOUR FAMILY IS STRESSED...

 

10. Conversations often begin with "Put the gun down, and then we can talk".

 

9. The school principal has your number on speed-dial.

 

8. The cat is on Valium.

 

7. People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth.

 

6. You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaffeinated.

 

5. The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family.

 

4. No one has time to wait for microwave TV dinners.

 

3. "Family meetings" are often mediated by law enforcement officials.

 

2. You have to check your kid's day-timer to see if he can take out the trash.

 

1. Maxwell House gives you industrial rates.

[Slacker]

Subject: What's in a name

>> >

>> >

>> > > A good looking man walked into an agent's office in

Hollywood and said "I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with

experience on broadway, he had the right credentials.

>> > > The agent asked, "What's your name?"

>> > > The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."

>> > > The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to

get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name."

>> > >

>> > > "I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is

centuries old,

>> > >

>> > > I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name.

Not ever."

>> > > The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years...

>> > > You will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van

Lesbian!

>> > > I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I

will no be able to represent you."

>> > >

>> > > "So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy

>> > > said and he Left the agent's office.

>> > >

>> > > FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to

his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000.

>> > > The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him

$50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...

>> > >

>> > > "Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting

to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name.

>> > >

>> > > Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like

Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said.

> I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much

>> pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I

would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed

check is a token of my appreciation.

>> > >

>> > > Thank you for your advice.

>> > >

>> > > Sincerely, Dick van Dyke

>> > >

>> > > (I don't care who you are, that's funny.)

>> > >

>> > >

 

 

[The Rocinante]

QUOTE (SlackABob @ Nov 20 2006, 09:38 PM)

Subject: What's in a name >> > >> > >> > > A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said "I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with experience on broadway, he had the right credentials. >> > > The agent asked, "What's your name?" >> > > The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian." >> > > The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name." >> > > >> > > "I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, >> > > >> > > I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever." >> > > The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... >> > > You will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! >> > > I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will no be able to represent you." >> > > >> > > "So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy >> > > said and he Left the agent's office. >> > > >> > > FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. >> > > The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed... >> > > >> > > "Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. >> > > >> > > Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. > I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much >> pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation. >> > > >> > > Thank you for your advice. >> > > >> > > Sincerely, Dick van Dyke >> > > >> > > (I don't care who you are, that's funny.) >> > > >> > >

[Rolinda Bonz]

QUOTE (The Rocinante @ Nov 20 2006, 10:09 PM)

QUOTE (SlackABob @ Nov 20 2006, 09:38 PM) Subject: What's in a name >> > >> > >> > >      A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood  and said "I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with experience on  broadway, he had the right credentials. >> > >      The agent asked, "What's your name?" >> > >      The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian." >> > >      The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into  Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name." >> > > >> > >      "I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, >> > > >> > >      I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever." >> > >      The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... >> > > You will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! >> > >      I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will no be able to represent you." >> > > >> > >      "So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy >> > > said and he  Left the agent's office. >> > > >> > >      FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. >> > >      The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed... >> > > >> > >      "Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. >> > > >> > >      Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused.            You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you  said. > I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much >> pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation. >> > > >> > >      Thank you for your advice. >> > > >> > >      Sincerely, Dick van Dyke >> > > >> > >      (I don't care who you are, that's funny.) >> > > >> > >

[NinjaRider]

[Riv]

How To Shower Like a Woman:

 

 

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to

lights and

 

darks.

 

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

 

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

 

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do

more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

 

Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah,

wide loofah and pumice stone.

 

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added

vitamins.

 

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

 

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with real

passion fruit.

 

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until

red.

 

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

 

Rinse conditioner off hair.

 

Shave armpits and legs.

 

Turn off shower.

 

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

 

Spray mold spots with Tilex.

 

Get out of shower and stand on bathmat.

 

Dry with towel the

size of a small country.

 

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

 

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

 

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

 

 

 

How To Shower Like a Man:

 

 

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in

a pile.

 

Walk naked to the bathroom.

 

If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo-woo'

sound.

 

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

 

Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.

 

Get in the shower Wash your face. Wash your armpits.

 

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

 

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

 

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

 

Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

 

Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee.

 

Rinse off and get out

of shower. Avoid bathmat.

 

Dry off forearms and butt only.

 

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the

whole time.

 

Admire wiener size in mirror again. Shake it to watch water fly off.

 

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

 

Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

 

If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the

woo-woo' sound again.

 

Throw wet towel on bed.

 

[failte]

[The Rocinante]

[NinjaRider]

OMG,RIV.

Thats the best laugh I've had in awhile!

[Rolinda Bonz]

[ladirushfan80]

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."

[CeeJ]

 

 

[CeeJ]

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriffs Deputy.

 

He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he is sure that he has a better education.

 

He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputies expense...

 

Deputy says, "License and registration, please."

 

Lawyer says, "What for?"

 

Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign ."

 

Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

 

Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."

 

Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

 

Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"

 

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket."

 

Deputy says, "OK, exit your vehicle and I'll show you, sir."

 

As the lawyer steps out of his car, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving #%$@ out of the lawyer and says: "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"

Edited November 30, 2006 by CeeJ

[blonde77th]

[ladirushfan80]

ceej....

 

[Daylin]

QUOTE (ladirushfan80 @ Nov 30 2006, 01:42 PM)

ceej....

[The Rocinante]

QUOTE (ladirushfan80 @ Nov 30 2006, 04:37 AM)

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."

[The Rocinante]

QUOTE (CeeJ @ Nov 30 2006, 07:09 AM)

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriffs Deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he is sure that he has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputies expense... Deputy says, "License and registration, please." Lawyer says, "What for?" Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign ." Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming." Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please." Lawyer says, "What's the difference?" Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!" Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket." Deputy says, "OK, exit your vehicle and I'll show you, sir." As the lawyer steps out of his car, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving #%$@ out of the lawyer and says: "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"

[failte]

those are great ceej!

[sullysue]

GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER:

 

1. Sag, you're it.

 

2. Hide and go pee.

 

3. 20 questions shouted in your good ear.

 

4. Kick the bucket.

 

5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.

 

6. Musical recliners.

 

7. Simon says something incoherent

 

8. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy.

 

 

 

 

[The Rocinante]

QUOTE (sullysue @ Dec 2 2006, 09:41 AM)

GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER: 1. Sag, you're it. 2. Hide and go pee. 3. 20 questions shouted in your good ear. 4. Kick the bucket. 5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over. 6. Musical recliners. 7. Simon says something incoherent 8. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy.