The Joke Thread (The Good, The Bad & The Ugly)

[sullysue]

 

 

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in

despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...

 

Satan: Why so glum?

 

Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell!

 

Satan: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?

 

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

 

Satan: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, tab and fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway.

 

Guy: Gee, that sounds great!

 

Satan: You a smoker?

 

Guy: You better believe it!

 

Satan: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars

from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie, you're already dead, remember?

 

Guy: Wow... that's awesome!

 

Satan: I bet you like to gamble.

Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.

 

Satan: Cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt...it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow.

 

Guy: Cool!

 

Satan: What about Drugs?

 

Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...

 

Satan: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big

bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want. You're dead, who cares.

 

Guy: WOW! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!

 

Satan: You gay?

 

Guy: No...

 

Satan: Ooooh, Fridays are gonna be tough.

[Cygnus]

A women takes a lover.

 

One day the lover is over at the womens house and they are upstairs making love. A little while later little Johnny comes home unexpectedly and finds the mother and lover in bed. So little Johnny goes into the bedroom closet to watch.

 

A short time later, the husband comes home unexpectedly and the wife tells the lover to get in the closet.

 

After a few moments little Johnny speaks out and says to the lover, "Dark in here isn't it?", to which the stunned lover replies, "Yes it is".

 

Little Johnny says, 'You know I have a baseball." The lover says, "Thats nice." Little Johnny says "Would you like to buy it", the lover says "Not really". Little Johnny says "You know my daddy is outside". The lover says "Ok how much?". Little Johnny says 20 dollars and the lover says "20 Dollars!", and then remembers his situation and pays him.

 

Couple of weeks later, the women has the lover over again and they are upstairs making love when little Johnny comes home unexpectedly. He sees them in bed and goes into the closet to watch.

 

A short time later the husband comes home unexpectely and the women tells the lover to get in the closet. After a few seconds little Johhny says, "Dark in here isn't it?", to which the stunned lover replies, "Yes it is".

 

Little Johhny says, you know I have a baseball glove, and the lover remembering the previous discussion with little Johnny, says "How Much? Little Johnny says 50 dollars. The lover pays the money.

 

A couple of days later the husband comes home early from work and says, "Johnny get your ball and glove and we will play catch." Little Johnny says "I cant' daddy, I sold them." The husband says "You did? How much did you get for them?" Little Johnny replies, seventy dollars. The husband says, "Johnny, thats not right, you cannot take advantage of your friends like that, and you must go to confession."

 

The husband marches little Johnny down to the church and sets little Johnny inside the confessional and steps away.

 

Soon thereafter the priest enters the other side and waits for Little Johnny's confession. After a short silence, little Johnny says, "Dark in here isn't it?", and the priest says, "Don't start that crap in here!"

 

[blonde77th]

QUOTE (Cygnus @ Feb 5 2007, 10:46 AM)

A women takes a lover. One day the lover is over at the womens house and they are upstairs making love. A little while later little Johnny comes home unexpectedly and finds the mother and lover in bed. So little Johnny goes into the bedroom closet to watch. A short time later, the husband comes home unexpectedly and the wife tells the lover to get in the closet. After a few moments little Johnny speaks out and says to the lover, "Dark in here isn't it?", to which the stunned lover replies, "Yes it is". Little Johnny says, 'You know I have a baseball." The lover says, "Thats nice." Little Johnny says "Would you like to buy it", the lover says "Not really". Little Johnny says "You know my daddy is outside". The lover says "Ok how much?". Little Johnny says 20 dollars and the lover says "20 Dollars!", and then remembers his situation and pays him. Couple of weeks later, the women has the lover over again and they are upstairs making love when little Johnny comes home unexpectedly. He sees them in bed and goes into the closet to watch. A short time later the husband comes home unexpectely and the women tells the lover to get in the closet. After a few seconds little Johhny says, "Dark in here isn't it?", to which the stunned lover replies, "Yes it is". Little Johhny says, you know I have a baseball glove, and the lover remembering the previous discussion with little Johnny, says "How Much? Little Johnny says 50 dollars. The lover pays the money. A couple of days later the husband comes home early from work and says, "Johnny get your ball and glove and we will play catch." Little Johnny says "I cant' daddy, I sold them." The husband says "You did? How much did you get for them?" Little Johnny replies, seventy dollars. The husband says, "Johnny, thats not right, you cannot take advantage of your friends like that, and you must go to confession." The husband marches little Johnny down to the church and sets little Johnny inside the confessional and steps away. Soon thereafter the priest enters the other side and waits for Little Johnny's confession. After a short silence, little Johnny says, "Dark in here isn't it?", and the priest says, "Don't start that crap in here!"

[Daylin]

QUOTE (blonde77th @ Feb 5 2007, 10:50 AM)

QUOTE (Cygnus @ Feb 5 2007, 10:46 AM) A women takes a lover. One day the lover is over at the womens house and they are upstairs making love. A little while later little Johnny comes home unexpectedly and finds the mother and lover in bed. So little Johnny goes into the bedroom closet to watch. A short time later, the husband comes home unexpectedly and the wife tells the lover to get in the closet. After a few moments little Johnny speaks out and says to the lover, "Dark in here isn't it?", to which the stunned lover replies, "Yes it is". Little Johnny says, 'You know I have a baseball." The lover says, "Thats nice." Little Johnny says "Would you like to buy it", the lover says "Not really". Little Johnny says "You know my daddy is outside". The lover says "Ok how much?". Little Johnny says 20 dollars and the lover says "20 Dollars!", and then remembers his situation and pays him. Couple of weeks later, the women has the lover over again and they are upstairs making love when little Johnny comes home unexpectedly. He sees them in bed and goes into the closet to watch. A short time later the husband comes home unexpectely and the women tells the lover to get in the closet. After a few seconds little Johhny says, "Dark in here isn't it?", to which the stunned lover replies, "Yes it is". Little Johhny says, you know I have a baseball glove, and the lover remembering the previous discussion with little Johnny, says "How Much? Little Johnny says 50 dollars. The lover pays the money. A couple of days later the husband comes home early from work and says, "Johnny get your ball and glove and we will play catch." Little Johnny says "I cant' daddy, I sold them." The husband says "You did? How much did you get for them?" Little Johnny replies, seventy dollars. The husband says, "Johnny, thats not right, you cannot take advantage of your friends like that, and you must go to confession." The husband marches little Johnny down to the church and sets little Johnny inside the confessional and steps away. Soon thereafter the priest enters the other side and waits for Little Johnny's confession. After a short silence, little Johnny says, "Dark in here isn't it?", and the priest says, "Don't start that crap in here!"

[Cygnus]

A guy goes to the doctor seeking an penis enlargement.

The doctor says sure, there is this new operation where we take the muscle

from a baby elephant's trunk and use it to enlarge you're penis.

The guy has the operation and a few months later he is out on his first date with his new penis.

 

Sitting in a restaurant as he is talking to his hot blonde date. His penis comes up from under the table and grabs a biscuit then goes back under the table.

 

Impressed, his date ask if he can do that again.

He replies:

I think so... but I don't think my ass can handle another biscuit.

 

[Daylin]

QUOTE (Cygnus @ Feb 6 2007, 12:30 PM)

A guy goes to the doctor seeking an penis enlargement. The doctor says sure, there is this new operation where we take the muscle from a baby elephant's trunk and use it to enlarge you're penis. The guy has the operation and a few months later he is out on his first date with his new penis. Sitting in a restaurant as he is talking to his hot blonde date. His penis comes up from under the table and grabs a biscuit then goes back under the table. Impressed, his date ask if he can do that again. He replies: I think so... but I don't think my ass can handle another biscuit.

 

[sundog]

APARTMENT FOR RENT

 

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the afternoon

with her for $500. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told

her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary< BR>write a cheque and mail it to her, calling the payment

"RENT FOR APARTMENT."

 

On the way to the office he regretted what he had done, realizing that

the whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary

send a cheque for $250 and enclose the following typed note:

 

"Dear Madam:

Enclosed find cheque in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment.

I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the

place, I was under the impression that:

1 - it had never been occupied;

2 - there was plenty of heat; and

3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.

However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there

wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large."

 

 

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the cheque

for $250 with the following note :

 

Dear Sir:

First of all, I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful

apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is

plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the

apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough

furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management.

 

Please remit the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your

present landlady."

Edited February 6, 2007 by sundog

[Cygnus]

Wife's Church Testimony:

 

A woman named Jill stood up at her church's Testimony Meeting, or as some

churches call it, "Cry Sunday", one Sunday morning, took the microphone

from one of the church ushers, and bared her soul to the enrapt

congregation:

 

"I want to tell you about the awful accident that my husband, Jim, has

suffered this past month. He was riding his bike, lost control, ran off the

highway and hit a tree. He was rushed to the hospital, and could have died,

but thank the Lord, all he suffered was a broken scrotum."

 

The congregation gasped in horror. The men in the congregation were

obviously uneasy and writhed in their seats. "Jim has been in terrible pain

all month since the accident. He has trouble breathing. He has trouble

swallowing his food. He can hardly lift anything, he's in so much pain, and

he has missed work because of it. He can't lift our children up to hold

them and give them the personal love that they need. Worst of all, we can

no longer cuddle and have intimate relations. He is in constant pain, a

pain so terrible that our love life has all but slipped away into oblivion.

 

I would like to ask you all in the congregation to pray for Jim, and pray

for us, that his broken scrotum will soon heal and be as good as new."

 

A dull murmur erupted within the congregation as the full impact of this

terrible accident sunk in, and the men in the congregation were visibly

shaken up with the thought that, "there but for the grace of God go I."

 

Then, as the murmuring settled down, a lone figure stood up in midst of

the congregation, worked his way up to the pulpit, obviously in pain,

adjusted the microphone to his liking, then leaned over and said to the

congregation:

 

"My name is Jim, and I have only one word for my wife, Jill.

 

That word is: STERNUM!"

[Arleen2112]

QUOTE (Cygnus @ Feb 6 2007, 01:30 PM)

A guy goes to the doctor seeking an penis enlargement. The doctor says sure, there is this new operation where we take the muscle from a baby elephant's trunk and use it to enlarge you're penis. The guy has the operation and a few months later he is out on his first date with his new penis. Sitting in a restaurant as he is talking to his hot blonde date. His penis comes up from under the table and grabs a biscuit then goes back under the table. Impressed, his date ask if he can do that again. He replies: I think so... but I don't think my ass can handle another biscuit.

 

Can you just picture this happening!

[1-0-0-1-0-0-1]

Penis van Lesbian

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said

"I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with experience on

Broadway, he had the right credentials.

 

The agent asked, "What's your name?"

 

The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."

 

The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into

Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name."

 

"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I

will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."

 

The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will

NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm

telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able

to represent you."

 

"So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and

he left the agent's office.

 

FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office.

Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is

awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter

enclosed...

 

"Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become

an

actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined

to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would

never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I

left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were

right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your

office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it

without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my

appreciation.

 

Thank you for your advice..

Sincerely,

 

Dick van Dyke

[Tick]

http://i26.photobucket.com/albums/c103/wulfweard/Rey14.jpg

[ladirushfan80]

A man and his wife were working in their

garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says: "Your butt

is getting really big, I mean really big.

 

I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue" With that he proceeded to

get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where

his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom.

 

Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!"

 

The woman chose to ignore her husband.

 

Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky. He

makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.

 

"What's wrong?" he asks.

 

She answers: Do you really think I'm going to

fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"

[Daylin]

QUOTE (sundog @ Feb 6 2007, 04:58 PM)

APARTMENT FOR RENT A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the afternoon with her for $500. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary< BR>write a cheque and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT." On the way to the office he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary send a cheque for $250 and enclose the following typed note: "Dear Madam: Enclosed find cheque in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that: 1 - it had never been occupied; 2 - there was plenty of heat; and 3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home. However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large." Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the cheque for $250 with the following note : Dear Sir: First of all, I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management. Please remit the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady."

[Daylin]

QUOTE (1-0-0-1-0-0-1 @ Feb 8 2007, 10:05 AM)

Penis van Lesbian -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said "I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials. The agent asked, "What's your name?" The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian." The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name." "I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever." The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you." "So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and he left the agent's office. FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed... "Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation. Thank you for your advice.. Sincerely, Dick van Dyke

Good one!

[Daylin]

QUOTE (tick @ Feb 8 2007, 10:10 AM)

http://i26.photobucket.com/albums/c103/wulfweard/Rey14.jpg

[Daylin]

QUOTE (ladirushfan80 @ Feb 8 2007, 02:36 PM)

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue" With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom. Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!" The woman chose to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks. She answers: Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"

[deadwing2112]

Q. How are Michael Jackson and a Playstation 2 similiar?

A. Little kids both turn them on.

[Cygnus]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v703/RushForum/car-Shark_Save_Bits.jpg

[Tick]

QUOTE (Cygnus @ Feb 9 2007, 11:48 AM)

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v703/RushForum/car-Shark_Save_Bits.jpg

[ladirushfan80]

There are over 11,000 male urologists in the US. But now a few women have entered the field.

 

A man goes to a female urologist for an exam. The female doctor says, "I am going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say 99."

 

The guy obeys and says, "99"

 

The doctor says, "Great. Now turn over on your left side and, again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say 99."

 

Again, the guy says, "99."

 

The doctor said, "Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I am going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I am going to hold onto your penis. Now take a deep breath and say 99."

 

The guy says, "One...two...three..."

 

 

 

 

[RushRevisited]

>The Doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches.

>The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very

>rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and

>the

>pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the

>pressure is to remove the testicles."

>

>Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.

>He had no choice but to go under the knife.

>

>When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first

>time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of

>himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a

>different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

>

>He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a

>new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new

>suit."

>

>The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see...size 44

>long." Joe laughed , "That's right, how did you know?"

>"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.

>

>Joe tried on the suit; it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in

>the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

>Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed

>Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."

>Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

>" Been in the business 60 years."

>

>Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably

>around the shop, and the salesman asked, "How about some new

>underwear?" Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure." The salesman said,

>"Let's see...size 36."

>

>Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18

>years old." The salesman shook his head , "You can't wear a size 34.

>A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine

>and give you one hell of a headache."

>

>New suit - $400

>New shirt - $36

>New underwear - $6

>Second opinion - PRICELESS

>

>

>

[failte]

QUOTE (RushRevisited @ Feb 13 2007, 10:52 AM)

>The Doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. >The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very >rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and >the >pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the >pressure is to remove the testicles." > >Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. >He had no choice but to go under the knife. > >When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first >time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of >himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a >different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. > >He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a >new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new >suit." > >The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see...size 44 >long." Joe laughed , "That's right, how did you know?" >"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said. > >Joe tried on the suit; it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in >the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" >Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed >Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck." >Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" >" Been in the business 60 years." > >Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably >around the shop, and the salesman asked, "How about some new >underwear?" Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure." The salesman said, >"Let's see...size 36." > >Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 >years old." The salesman shook his head , "You can't wear a size 34. >A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine >and give you one hell of a headache." > >New suit - $400 >New shirt - $36 >New underwear - $6 >Second opinion - PRICELESS > > >

 

 

[Cygnus]

Bubba went to a psychiatrist.

" I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."

 

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears."

 

"How much do you charge?"

 

"Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor."

 

"I'll sleep on it," said Bubba.

 

Six months later the doctor met Bubba on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?" asked the psychiatrist.

 

"Well Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!"

 

"Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"

 

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now !!!"

 

[failte]

[Cygnus]

RED-NECK VALENTINE'S LOVE POEM

 

 

Collards is green

 

my dog's name is Blue

 

and I'm so lucky to have

 

a sweet thang like you.

 

Yore hair is like cornsilk

 

a-flapping in the breeze

 

Softer than Blue's

 

and without all them fleas.

 

You move like the bass,

 

which excite me in May.

 

You ain't got no scales

 

but I luv you anyway.

 

Yo're as satisfy'n as okry

 

jist a-fry'n in the pan.

 

Yo're as fragrant as "snuff"

 

right out of the can.

 

You have som'a yore teeth,

 

for which I am proud;

 

I hold my head high

 

when we're in a crowd.

 

On special occasions,

 

when you shave under yore arms,

 

well, I'm in hawg heaven,

 

and awed by yore charms.

 

Still them fellers at work,

 

they all want to know,

 

what I did to deserve

 

such a purdy, young doe.

 

Like a good roll of duct tape

 

yo're there fer yore man,

 

to patch up life's troubles

 

and fix what you can.

 

Yo're as cute as a junebug

 

a-buzzin' overhead.

 

You ain't mean like those far ants

 

I found in my bed.

 

Cut from the best cloth

 

like a plaid flannel shirt,

 

you spark up my life

 

more than a fresh load of dirt.

 

When you hold me real tight

 

like a padded gunrack,

 

my life is complete;

 

Ain't nuttin' I lack.

 

Yore complexion, it's perfection,

 

like the best vinyl sidin'.

 

despite all the years,

 

yore age, it keeps hidin'.

 

Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie

 

with a RC cold drank,

 

we go together

 

like a skunk goes with stank.

 

Some men, they buy chocolate

 

for Valentine's Day;

 

They git it at Wal-Mart,

 

it's romantic that way.

 

Some men git roses

 

on that special day

 

from the cooler at Kroger.

 

"That's impressive," I say.

 

Some men buy fine diamonds

 

from a flea market booth.

 

"Diamonds are forever,"

 

they explain, suave and couth.

 

But for this man, honey, these won't do.

 

Cause yo're too special, you sweet thang you.

 

I got you a gift, without taste nor odor,

 

more useful than diamonds...

 

IT'S A NEW TROLLIN' MOTOR!!