The Joke Thread (The Good, The Bad & The Ugly)

[Cygnus]

The Three Little Pigs

 

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.

 

"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.

 

"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.

 

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.

 

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.

 

"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.

 

"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.

 

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.

 

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

 

"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.

 

"I want a cheesecake," said the second piggy.

 

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," exclaimed the third little piggy.

 

"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy,"

 

But why have you only ordered beer all evening?"

 

 

The third piggy says -

 

"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!

 

[Maddy]

QUOTE (failte @ Jan 4 2007, 07:59 PM)

QUOTE (blonde77th @ Jan 4 2007, 05:51 PM) QUOTE (Daylin @ Jan 4 2007, 05:31 PM) QUOTE (ladirushfan80 @ Jan 4 2007, 02:01 PM) QUOTE (Cygnus @ Jan 4 2007, 02:14 PM) Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder! This is how it manifests: I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing. As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my check-book off the table, and see that there is only 1 check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking. I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered. I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs - but first I'll water the flowers. I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do. At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers haven't been watered, there is still only 1 check in my check book, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys. Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail. Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!! classic!!     this happens to me ALOT..... heck thats me everyday me too!! i spend half of my shift trying to figure out what it was that i was doing....   So THAT'S what it's called!   And here I thought I was just scatterbrained...

[failte]

QUOTE (Maddy @ Jan 5 2007, 09:44 AM)

QUOTE (failte @ Jan 4 2007, 07:59 PM) QUOTE (blonde77th @ Jan 4 2007, 05:51 PM) QUOTE (Daylin @ Jan 4 2007, 05:31 PM) QUOTE (ladirushfan80 @ Jan 4 2007, 02:01 PM) QUOTE (Cygnus @ Jan 4 2007, 02:14 PM) Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder! This is how it manifests: I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing. As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my check-book off the table, and see that there is only 1 check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking. I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered. I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs - but first I'll water the flowers. I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do. At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers haven't been watered, there is still only 1 check in my check book, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys. Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail. Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!! classic!!     this happens to me ALOT..... heck thats me everyday me too!! i spend half of my shift trying to figure out what it was that i was doing....   So THAT'S what it's called!   And here I thought I was just scatterbrained... selective anmesia??

[blonde77th]

QUOTE (failte @ Jan 6 2007, 12:30 AM)

QUOTE (Maddy @ Jan 5 2007, 09:44 AM) QUOTE (failte @ Jan 4 2007, 07:59 PM) QUOTE (blonde77th @ Jan 4 2007, 05:51 PM) QUOTE (Daylin @ Jan 4 2007, 05:31 PM) QUOTE (ladirushfan80 @ Jan 4 2007, 02:01 PM) QUOTE (Cygnus @ Jan 4 2007, 02:14 PM) Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder! This is how it manifests: I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing. As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my check-book off the table, and see that there is only 1 check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking. I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered. I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs - but first I'll water the flowers. I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do. At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers haven't been watered, there is still only 1 check in my check book, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys. Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail. Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!! classic!!     this happens to me ALOT..... heck thats me everyday me too!! i spend half of my shift trying to figure out what it was that i was doing....   So THAT'S what it's called!   And here I thought I was just scatterbrained... selective anmesia?? C R S

[failte]

 

 

at least the walking around in circles for hours on end keeps me in shape!

[blonde77th]

QUOTE (failte @ Jan 6 2007, 12:41 AM)

at least the walking around in circles for hours on end keeps me in shape!

Thats not fair I don't lose any wieght & I am always doing that

[failte]

QUOTE (blonde77th @ Jan 6 2007, 12:42 AM)

QUOTE (failte @ Jan 6 2007, 12:41 AM) at least the walking around in circles for hours on end keeps me in shape! Thats not fair I don't lose any wieght & I am always doing that you gotta walk fast, you know with purpose (so the boss thinks you're actually doing something) and you gotta do it for 12 hours a day at least 3 times a week.         (new get swole instructions...)

[blonde77th]

[Cygnus]

Union Rules & Hookers----

 

 

A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a

convention in

Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got

to the

first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

 

 

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

 

 

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

 

 

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered

 

 

Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped

off down

the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized

shop. His

search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the

Madam

responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house.

 

 

We observe all union rules."

 

 

The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the

girls get?"

The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

 

 

"That's more like it!" the union man said.

 

 

He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and

pointed to a

stunningly attractive blonde.

 

 

"I'd like her," he said.

 

 

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she

gestured to a

92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years

seniority and

according to union rules, she's next."

 

[Maddy]

QUOTE (Cygnus @ Jan 8 2007, 08:46 AM)

Union Rules & Hookers---- A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?" "No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't." "Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules." The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" The girls get $80 and the house gets $20." "That's more like it!" the union man said. He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. "I'd like her," he said. "I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next."

[Cygnus]

Homeless in America

 

Notice how she has no coat and her clothes are torn. Her hair is windblown, and she carries all of her possessions in a bag.

 

Poor girl.

This should not happen in America!

I wonder if she needs a place to stay

[blonde77th]

QUOTE (Cygnus @ Jan 11 2007, 09:37 AM)

Homeless in America Notice how she has no coat and her clothes are torn. Her hair is windblown, and she carries all of her possessions in a bag. Poor girl. This should not happen in America! I wonder if she needs a place to stay

[Daylin]

QUOTE (Cygnus @ Jan 11 2007, 08:37 AM)

Homeless in America Notice how she has no coat and her clothes are torn. Her hair is windblown, and she carries all of her possessions in a bag. Poor girl. This should not happen in America! I wonder if she needs a place to stay

 

Cygnus

[ladirushfan80]

 

ONCE UPON A TIME, A BOY WAS BORN WITHOUT A BELLY BUTTON. IN ITS PLACE WAS A GOLDEN SCREW. ALL THE DOCTORS TOLD HIS PARENTS THAT THERE WAS NOTHING THEY COULD DO. LIKE IT OR NOT, HE WAS STUCK WITH IT.

 

THE YEARS OF GROWING UP WERE VERY DIFFICULT FOR HIM, AS ALL WHO SAW THE SCREW MADE FUN OF HIM. HE AVOIDED LEAVING HIS HOUSE, AND THUS, NEVER MADE ANY FRIENDS.

 

ONE DAY, A MYSTERIOUS STRANGER SAW HIS BELLY AND TOLD HIM OF A GURU IN TIBET THAT COULD GET RID OF THE SCREW FOR HIM. HE WAS THRILLED. THE NEXT DAY HE TOOK ALL OF HIS LIFE'S SAVINGS AND BOUGHT A TICKET TO TIBET.

 

AFTER SEVERAL DAYS OF CLIMBING UP MOUNTAINOUS CLIFFS, HE CAME UPON AN ANCIENT MONASTERY. THE GURU KNEW EXACTLY WHY HE HAD COME. HE WAS TOLD TO SLEEP IN THE HIGHEST TOWER OF THE MONASTERY AND THE FOLLOWING DAY WHEN HE AWOKE, THE SCREW WOULD BE REMOVED. THE MAN IMMEDIATELY WENT TO THE ROOM AND FELL ASLEEP.

 

DURING THE NIGHT WHILE HE SLEPT, A PURPLE FOG FLOATED IN AN OPEN WINDOW, BEARING IN IT'S MIST, A GOLDEN SCREWDRIVER. IN JUST MOMENTS, THE SCREW DRIVER REMOVED THE GOLDEN SCREW AND BOTH DISAPPEARED OUT THE WINDOW. THE NEXT MORNING WHEN THE BOY WOKE, HE FELT HIS NAVEL, AND THERE WAS NO SCREW THERE!!! JUBILANT, HE LEAPED OUT OF BED AND HIS ASS FELL OFF.

 

THE MORAL TO THIS STORY IS: "NEVER SCREW AROUND WITH THINGS YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND BECAUSE YOU COULD LOSE YOUR ASS."

 

 

[Daylin]

^^^

[sundog]

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.

 

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

 

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.

 

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering.

 

A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking ever more than before.

 

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you ok?"

 

"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

 

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. " I have never heard of that condition before" he said. " Are you taking anything for it?"

 

"Yes," the woman nodded. "Pepper."

[blonde77th]

[sundog]

QUOTE (sundog @ Jan 13 2007, 02:13 PM)

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more. Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking ever more than before. Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you ok?" "I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm." The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. " I have never heard of that condition before" he said. " Are you taking anything for it?" "Yes," the woman nodded. "Pepper."

QUOTE (blonde77th @ Jan 13 2007, 02:15 PM)

Don'tcha just wish?

[Daylin]

QUOTE (sundog @ Jan 13 2007, 01:13 PM)

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more. Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking ever more than before. Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you ok?" "I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm." The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. " I have never heard of that condition before" he said. " Are you taking anything for it?" "Yes," the woman nodded. "Pepper."

 

Now, that's funny, sunny

 

[failte]

QUOTE (sundog @ Jan 13 2007, 02:13 PM)

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more. Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking ever more than before. Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you ok?" "I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm." The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. " I have never heard of that condition before" he said. " Are you taking anything for it?" "Yes," the woman nodded. "Pepper."

yay pepper!!!

 

 

 

[ladirushfan80]

A koala is sitting in a gum tree ... smoking a joint

 

 

 

when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says,

 

 

 

"Hey Koala! What are you doing?"

 

The koala says: "Smoking a joint; come up and have some."

 

So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a

few good hits. After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and

is going to get a drink from the river. But the little lizard is so stoned

that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

 

A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to

the side, then asks the little lizard: "What's the matter with you?"

 

The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was smoking a joint

with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while

trying to drink.

 

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest,

finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks

up and says "Hey you!"

 

 

 

So the koala looks down at him and says:

 

"Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude ... how much water did you drink?!!"

[Pags]

WHY IT'S IMPORTANT TO UNDERSTAND ENGLISH

 

 

When I got back from Michigan last month I had a bunch of Canadian

dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window

at the local bank. Short line. Just one guy in front of me...an Asian

guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little

irritated!

He asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yestoday, I get two huna dolla fo

yen. Today I get huna eighty?? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged her shoulders and said, "Fluctuations".

The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white people too!"

[Arleen2112]

QUOTE (ladirushfan80 @ Jan 15 2007, 10:06 PM)

A koala is sitting in a gum tree ... smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says, "Hey Koala! What are you doing?" The koala says: "Smoking a joint; come up and have some." So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few good hits. After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river. A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard: "What's the matter with you?" The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while trying to drink. The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!" So the koala looks down at him and says: "Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude ... how much water did you drink?!!"

Cute!

 

[failte]

QUOTE (paganoman @ Jan 17 2007, 12:33 PM)

WHY IT'S IMPORTANT TO UNDERSTAND ENGLISH When I got back from Michigan last month I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank. Short line. Just one guy in front of me...an Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little irritated! He asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yestoday, I get two huna dolla fo yen. Today I get huna eighty?? Why it change?" The teller shrugged her shoulders and said, "Fluctuations". The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white people too!"

[Pags]

QUOTE (ladirushfan80 @ Jan 15 2007, 10:06 PM)

A koala is sitting in a gum tree ... smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says, "Hey Koala! What are you doing?" The koala says: "Smoking a joint; come up and have some." So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few good hits. After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river. A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard: "What's the matter with you?" The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while trying to drink. The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!" So the koala looks down at him and says: "Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude ... how much water did you drink?!!"

 

I just read this!! OMG