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The Joke Thread (The Good, The Bad & The Ugly)


The Notorious B.S.G.
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A Blonde Walked Into A Bar...

And took a stool at the bar next to a

brunette,who was watching the 10 o'clock news.The news crew was filming a guy

standing on the ledge of a bulding,

threatening to jump."I bet he's gonna jump",

said the brunette."No,no I don't think he

will",replied the blonde."Betcha 20 bucks

he jumps",said the brunette."O.K.,20 bucks",

said the blonde.A minute later,the guy

plunges to his death."Oh,rats!"exclaimed the

blonde as she slid a twenty over to the

brunette."No,here,I can't take this" said

the brunette as she slid the twenty back.

"Actually,I already saw this on the 5 o'clock news".And the blonde replied,

"Well,I did too!But I didn't think he'd do

it AGAIN!"

Edited by Cygnus
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A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

 

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

 

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

 

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

 

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

 

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

 

Harry: "9."

 

 

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

 

Harry: "36."

 

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

 

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

 

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

 

The principal and Harry both agreed.

 

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

 

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

 

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

 

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

 

Harry replied: "Pockets."

 

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

 

Harry: "Pants."

 

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

 

Harry: "Coconut."

 

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

 

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

 

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

 

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

 

Harry: "Shake hands."

 

The principal was trembling.

 

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

 

Harry: "Firetruck."

 

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......

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The Penis wants a Raise

 

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the

following reasons:

 

1. I do physical labor.

2. I work at great depths.

3. I plunge head first into everything I do.

4. I do not get weekends or public holidays off.

5. I work in a damp environment.

6. I work in a dark area that has poor ventilation.

7. I work in high temperatures.

8. My work exposes me to diseases.

_______________________________

 

Dear Penis,

 

After assessing your request, and considering the

arguments you have raised, the management denies your

request for the following reasons:

 

1. You do not work 8 hours straight.

2. You WORK IN SHORT SPURTS AND fall asleep after EACH

brief work period.

3. You do not always follow the orders of the

management team.

4. You do not stay in your designated area, and are

often seen visiting other locations.

5. You do not take initiative - you need to be

pressured and stimulated in order t! o start working.

6. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of

your shift.

7. You dont always observe necessary safety

regulations, such as wearing the correct protective

clothing.

8. You will retire LONG before you are 65.

9. You are unable to work double shifts.

10. You sometimes leave your designated work area

before you have completed the assigned task.

11. And if that were not all, you have constantly been

seen entering and exiting the workplace carrying two

suspicious-looking bags.

 

Sincerely, The Management

 

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Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of the economy since last Christmas, Management has decided to implement

a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age, on early retirement.

 

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early). Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme a (Special Help After Forced Termination).

 

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the

SCREW scheme (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers).

 

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as manytimes as Management deems appropriate.

 

Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for

Dependants of Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel,

Early Severance).

 

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or

SCREWED any further by management.

 

Persons staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity

Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the

amount ofSHIT it gives employees. Should you feel that you do not

receive enough SHIT, please bring to the attention of your

Supervisor. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

 

Sincerely,

THE MANAGEMENT

 

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Plastic Surgery - - - - OMG

A very sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants

her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were loose and flapping.

Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

 

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"

 

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself." "The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had had the same procedure done some time ago."

 

"And what about the third rose?" she asked.

 

"Oh, that rose is from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to

thank you for his new ears."

 

icon_really_happy_guy.gif

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oldie but a goodie laugh.gif

 

http://img178.imageshack.us/img178/6775/showletterdd5.jpg

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laugh.gif laugh.gif laugh.gif Donna, I laughed out loud at that! ^^^^^

 

 

A Blonde enters a store that sells curtains.

She tells the salesman, "I would like to buy a pair of pink

curtains." The salesman assures her that they have a large

selection of pink curtains. He shows her several patterns,

but the blond seems to be having a hard time choosing.

Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print. The salesman

then asks what size curtains she needs. The blond promptly replies,

"fifteen inches." "Fifteen inches???" asked the salesman. "That sounds

very small, what room are they for?" The blond tells him that they

aren't for a room, they are for her computer monitor.

The surprised salesman replies, "But Miss, computers do not need curtains!"

The blond says, "Hellllooooooooo. I've got Windoooooows!"

 

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QUOTE (DonnaWanna @ Sep 18 2006, 09:27 AM)
Plastic Surgery - - - - OMG
A very sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants
her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were loose and flapping.
Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself." "The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had had the same procedure done some time ago."

"And what about the third rose?" she asked.

"Oh, that rose is from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to
thank you for his new ears."

icon_really_happy_guy.gif

rofl3.gif

 

laugh.gif

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Two alligators were sitting in the swamp talking. The smaller one

>>> turned to the bigger one and said, "I cain't unnerstand how you kin be

>>> so much bigger'n me. We're the same age, we was the same size as kids. I just don't get it."

>>>

>>> "Well," said the big 'gator, What you been eatin' boy?"

>>>

>>> "Politicians, same as you," replied the small 'gator.

>>>

>>> "Hmm. Well, where do y'all catch 'em?"

>>>

>>> "Down 'tother side of the swamp near the parkin' lot by the capitol."

>>>

>>> "Same here. Hmm. How do you catch 'em?"

>>>

>>> "Well, I crawls up under one of them Lexus and wait fer one to unlock

>>> the car door. Then I jump out, grab 'em on the leg, shake the shit out of 'em, and eat 'em!"

>>>

>>> "Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. You ain't gettin' any real nourishment. See, by the time you get done shakin' the

>>> shit out of a Politician, there ain't nothin' left but an

>>> asshole and a briefcase.

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FINALLY SOMEONE CLEARED THIS UP!!!

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a red spot on their foreheads.

 

We in the west have always naively thought that it had something to do with their religion. This has recently been revealed by the Indian Embassy in Ottawa.

When one of these women gets married, she brings with her, a dowry. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the red spot to see if he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a doughnut shop or a motel in the U.S.

If he gets a 'SORRY, PLEASE TRY AGAIN', he is destined to a lifetime of driving taxi.

 

laugh.gif

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George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his

wife

told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could

see

from the bedroom window.

 

George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

 

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said

"no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should

simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

 

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police

again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were

people

in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just

 

shot them all." Then he hung up.

 

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips

residence

and caught the burglars red-handed.

 

One of the Policemen said to George:

"I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

 

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

 

(True Story) I LOVE IT

if your ship doesn't come in....SWIM out to it

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A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest asks.

 

They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

 

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment.

 

"You know, I have two male talking parrots that I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time."

 

"Thank you," the woman said, "this may be the solution."

 

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.

 

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

 

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

 

There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!"

 

 

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Three Old Ladies from Arizona

 

This is a detective story? http://usera.imagecave.com/RolindaBonz/pic04664.gif

 

 

Pay Close Attention!!!

 

 

 

Three elderly ladies are excited about seeing their first baseball game.

 

They smuggle a bottle ofhttp://usera.imagecave.com/RolindaBonz/pic15141.jpg into the ball park.

 

 

The game is real exciting

 

http://usera.imagecave.com/RolindaBonz/pic07711.gif

 

and they are enjoying themselves immensely...

mixing the Jack Daniel's with soft drinks.

 

 

Soon they realize that the bottle is almost gone

and the game has a lot of innings to go.

 

 

Based on the given information, what inning is it

and how many players are on base?

 

 

v

v

v

v

v

v

v

v

Think!

 

 

v

v

v

v

v

v

v

v

 

Think some more!!

v

v

v

v

v

v

v

v

v

 

 

 

You're gonna love it.

 

Answer:

 

It's the bottom of the fifth

and the bags are loaded!

http://usera.imagecave.com/RolindaBonz/pic28253.gif

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An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site.

 

The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, 'You're in charge of sweeping.'

 

 

To the Scotsman he says, 'You're in charge of shoveling.'

 

 

And to the Chinese guy, 'You're in charge of supplies.'

 

 

He then says, 'Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile.'

 

 

So the foreman goes away for a couple hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched.

 

 

He asks the Italian, 'Why didn't you sweep any of it?'

 

 

The Italian replies, 'I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinese a fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere.'

 

 

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, 'And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile.'

 

 

The Scotsman replies, 'Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnayfin' him either.'

 

 

The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy ...Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out

 

from behind the pile of sand and yells...

 

 

'SUPPLIES!!'

 

 

 

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Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.

"I froze to death," says the second.

 

"That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"

 

"It's very uncomfortable at first", says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"

 

"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."

 

The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says.

 

"What do you mean?" asks the first man.

 

"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

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A blonde who suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her goes out and buys a gun.

 

She goes to his apartment unexpectedly, opens the door, and, sure enough, finds him naked in the arms of a redhead.

 

Well, now she's angry. She opens her purse and takes out the gun. But as she does so, she is overcome with grief and points the gun at her own head.

 

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!"

 

"Shut up," she says. "You're next."

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A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,

"I would like to buy some cyanide."

 

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

 

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

 

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband!

That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen.

Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

 

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

 

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.

Edited by Rolinda Bonz
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QUOTE (Rolinda Bonz @ Sep 27 2006, 10:28 AM)
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,
"I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband!
That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen.
Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.

spit6ph.gif

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