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The Joke Thread (The Good, The Bad & The Ugly)


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NAMES

 

 

 

If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth, and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth, and Barbara.

 

If Mark, Chris, Eric, and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head, and Scrappy.

 

 

 

 

 

EATING OUT

 

 

 

When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in a $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

 

When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

 

 

 

 

 

MONEY

 

 

 

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

 

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on sale.

 

 

 

 

 

BATHROOMS

 

 

 

A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.

 

 

 

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. man would not be able to identify most of these items.

 

 

 

 

 

ARGUMENTS

 

 

 

A woman has the last word in any argument.

 

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

 

 

 

 

 

CATS

 

 

 

Women love cats.

 

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

 

 

 

 

 

THE FUTURE

 

 

 

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

 

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

 

 

 

 

 

MARRIAGE

 

 

 

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

 

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

 

 

 

 

 

DRESSING UP

 

 

 

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

 

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

 

 

 

 

 

NATURAL

 

 

 

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

 

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

OFFSPRING

 

 

 

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears, and hopes and dreams.

 

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

 

 

 

 

 

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

 

 

 

A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing

 

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A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is

open." Not a phrase that

men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled.

 

When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open."

 

He zipped up and finished his shopping. At the checkout, he

intentionally got in the line where the lady was that told him about his "barracks door." He was planning to have a little

fun with her, so when he

reached the counter he said, "When you saw my

barracks door open, did you

see a Marine standing in there at attention?"

 

The lady (naturally smarter than the man) thought for a moment and said

"No, no I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran

sitting on a couple of

old duffel bags.

 

 

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QUOTE (DonnaWanna @ Aug 9 2006, 12:10 AM)
A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole."

He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole." Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales, also. What do you sell?"

She replied, "If I tell you, you'll laugh." "No, I won't."

"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."

With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath. She said, "See I knew you would laugh."

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you!"

laugh.gif

Oh shit.... just saw this spit6ph.gif rofl3.gif icon_really_happy_guy.gif

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One day, a boy comes home from school, and his mom asks him, "What did you do in school today?" The boy answers "I had sex with my teacher." This angers the mother, and she yells, "GO TO YOUR ROOM! Your father will have a talk with you when he comes home."

 

That night, the dad walks into the boy's room and says, "Son, it's every boy's dream to have sex with a hot teacher. So, because you accomplished this goal, I'm going to get that motorcycle you always wanted." The boy answers, "But Dad, I don't want that motorcycle anymore." The dad inquires, "Why not?" and the boy answers, "Because my butt still hurts."

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This bloke is working on the buses and collecting tickets. He rings the bell for the driver to start off when there's a woman half getting on the bus. The driver sets off; the woman falls from the bus and is killed. At the trial the bloke is sent down for murder, and seeing as its Texas, he's sent to the electric chair. On the day of his execution he's in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.

 

"Well," says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?"

 

"Yes," answers the executioner.

 

"Can I have that green banana?"

 

The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits 'til he's eaten it. When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch, sending hundreds of volts through the man. When the smoke clears, the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it.

 

"Can I go?" the man asks.

 

"I suppose so," says the executioner, "That's never happened before."

 

The man leaves and eventually gets his job back on the buses selling tickets. Yet again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is convicted for murder again and sent to the electric chair. The executioner is determined to do it right this time, so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas. The bloke is again sat in the chair.

 

"What is your final wish?" asks the executioner.

 

"Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch?" says the condemned man.

 

The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch. Millions of volts course through the chair, blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears, the man is still there, smiling in the chair. The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.

The bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell while passengers are still getting on, this time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again. The executioner rigs up extra electricity to the chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling.

 

"What's your final wish?" asks the executioner.

 

"Well," says the man, "can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch?"

 

The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it. The executioner pulls the handle and the volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark.

 

"I give up," says the executioner, "I don't understand how you can still be alive after all that!" He strokes his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't it?" he asks.

 

"Nah," says the bloke, "I'm just a bad conductor."

 

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FAA Considering Passenger Ban

 

WASHINGTON, DC *Seeking to address "the number-one threat to airline security," the Federal Aviation Administration announced yesterday that it will consider banning passengers on all domestic and international commercial flights.

 

"In every single breach of security in recent years, whether it was an act of terrorism or some other form of crime, it was a passenger who subverted the safety systems on board the aircraft or in the terminal," FAA administrator Marion Blakey said. "Even threats that came in the form of explosives inside baggage were eventually traced back to a ticketed individual. As great a revenue source as they have been, passengers simply represent too great a risk to the airline industry."

 

Under the proposed reforms, the FAA would institute a strict ban on adult passengers, passengers 18 and under, international t ravelers, and domestic customers. A battery of questions and ID checks will be used to determine whether an individual is a pilot, flight attendant, or federal security officer, the only humans who will be allowed to board an aircraft flying within or headed for the U.S.

 

In addition, security sensors installed at all gates will sound an alarm if they detect the presence of a 98.6-degree body temperature, and airport-security workers will be trained to spot and positively identify humans in the boarding area.

 

"Frankly, we've tried everything else," Blakey said. "We've put up more metal detectors, searched carry-on luggage, and prohibited passengers from traveling with sharp objects. Yet passengers still somehow continue to find ways to breach security. Clearly, the passengers have to go."

 

If approved, the new restrictions would go into effect sometime around Thanksgiving, before the busy holiday travel season. Customers who have already purchased tickets for flights scheduled to take place after the ban's enactment will receive a voucher good for travel to their final destination by bus or train. Should such transportation prove unavailable or inadequate, passengers on most major airlines will receive either a portion of their airfare refunded or a coupon redeemable for a future flight, from which they will also be banned.

 

"We realize that these new regulations would, for many air travelers, be a major inconvenience," Blakey said. "But we feel strongly that it's a small price to pay to ensure the safety of our skies."

 

While the ban's primary purpose would be to improve security, FAA spokesman John Gemberling said it would help the airlines' economic future, as well. As evidence, he pointed to the $7.7 billion losses posted by major airlines in 2001*much of which came in the wake of Sept. 11 *and the $6 billion increase in passenger-screening costs since the tragedy.

 

"We've been stretched as thin as we can go," Gemberling said. "New bag-tracking measures ensure that a passenger is on the same flight as his or her luggage, but do little to eliminate the threat of said passenger placing an explosive in the luggage. All bags are currently being screened with bomb-detection machines, but even these $1 million devices are only equipped to detect a limited range of the most conventional explosives."

 

Added Gemberling: "They're certainly not going to be much help stopping the next guy who wants to blow up a plane with something like a shoe."

 

Even the stiff measures included in the Aviation and Transportation Security Act, which President Bush recently signed into law, have proven inadequate.

 

"Improved explosive-detection systems, fortified cockpit doors, more plainclothes sky marshals aboard planes, and mandatory anti-hijacking training for flight crews, none of it could eliminate the possibility of another Sept. 11 with 100 percent certainty," Gemberling said. "This will."

 

"We've tried every possible alternative, but nothing has worked," Gemberling continued. "For all our efforts, we keep coming back to the same central problem: humans."

 

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A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin as she sits alone at a nearby table, until the wife asks,

 

"Do you know her?"

 

"Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

 

"My God!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

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QUOTE (sundog @ Aug 28 2006, 09:30 PM)
A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin as she sits alone at a nearby table, until the wife asks,

"Do you know her?"

"Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

Oh Yehhhhhhhhh laugh.gif z7shysterical.gif 2funny.gif

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On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just

inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts

and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

 

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy.

 

Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

 

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he

thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to

investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you,

one for me."

 

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off.

 

Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

 

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan

and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."

 

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk."

 

When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me.One for you,

one for me.."

 

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see

if we can see the Lord."

 

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to

see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the

fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

 

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get

those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."

 

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the

kid on the bike.

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QUOTE (Arndrake @ Sep 1 2006, 06:30 AM)
QUOTE (DonnaWanna @ Aug 31 2006, 11:37 AM)
http://www.flashfunpages.com/couple.swf


sarcasm.gif

Whatsa matter, D? Truth hurt? icon_really_happy_guy.gif

sarcasm.gif WhatevA

Ahhhh Shed Ep

 

 

 

wink.gif

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QUOTE (Maddy @ Aug 31 2006, 09:55 AM)
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just
inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts
and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy.

Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he
thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to
investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you,
one for me."

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off.

Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan
and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk."

When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me.One for you,
one for me.."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see
if we can see the Lord."

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to
see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the
fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get
those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the
kid on the bike.

laugh.gif laugh.gif laugh.gif

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A guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.

Guy behind the counter says, "Male or female?"

Customer says, "Female"

Counter guy asks, "Black or white?"

Customer says, "White"

Counter guy asks, "Christian or Muslim?"

Customer says, "What the hell does religion have to do with it?"

Counter guy says, "The Muslim one blows itself up!"

 

doh.gif

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http://img145.imageshack.us/img145/3946/image022jr5.jpg
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A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered. The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

 

"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!

 

"That must've been scary", said the teacher. "It sure was", said the little girl.

 

"My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... and before he could say "F**k," the rottweiler ate him

 

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QUOTE (Cygnus @ Sep 5 2006, 12:11 PM)
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered. The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!

"That must've been scary", said the teacher. "It sure was", said the little girl.

"My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... and before he could say "F**k," the rottweiler ate him

icon_really_happy_guy.gif icon_really_happy_guy.gif icon_really_happy_guy.gif

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An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following

a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a

sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next

table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He

asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, " Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those

are bulls testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

 

The American, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell,

I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!"

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one

serving per day because there is only one bull fight each

morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will

be sure to save you this delicacy!"

 

The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and

then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy

of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of

his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are

delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw

you serve yesterday!"

 

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si senor.

Sometimes the bull wins."

 

unsure.gif doh.gif

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Deer Sir,

 

I waunt to apply for the secritary job what I saw in the paper. I can Type real quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.

I think I am good on the phone and no I am a pepole person, Pepole really seam to respond to me well.

Im lookin for a Jobb as a secritary but it mu sent b e to complicaited

I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety. My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,

I can start imeditely. Thank you in advanse fore yore anser.

hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.

 

Sinseerly,

Peggy May Starlings

 

PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me taken at my last jobb.

 

 

http://img123.imageshack.us/img123/3321/att1287093ow7.jpg

 

 

Employer's response:......

Dear Peggy May,

 

It's OK honey, we've got spell check.

 

sarcasm.gif eyesre4.gif

 

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Are You Male or Female?

 

 

 

To know the Answer, look down

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Not here, Stupid icon_really_happy_guy.gif

 

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INTERESTING OBSERVATIONS ON AMERICAN LIFE WITH AN AMAZING CONCLUSION

 

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.

2. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

3 The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.

5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS

6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is GOLF.

 

 

AMAZING CONCLUSION:

The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls

become..

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THIS JUST IN!!!

 

 

 

A truck carrying a load of Viagra has been hijacked!!

 

The police are looking for a gang of hardened criminals....

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