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The Joke Thread (The Good, The Bad & The Ugly)


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ohmy.gif It Shrinks? (soundin Like Lannie) laugh.gif

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QUOTE (DonnaWanna @ Jun 22 2006, 03:01 PM)
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http://img190.imageshack.us/img190/3719/temp9ti.jpg

ohmy.gif It Shrinks? (soundin Like Lannie) laugh.gif

spit6ph.gif icon_really_happy_guy.gif z7shysterical.gif rofl3.gif z7shysterical.gif rofl3.gif

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This lady lost her husband almost four years ago.

Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Sue said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.

 

Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom! I have

someone for you to meet."

 

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont. Their first night there, she undressed as he did.

There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties.

He was in his birthday suit.

 

Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"

She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to

explore, but down there I am still mourning."

 

He knew he was not getting lucky that night. The following night was the same--she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit--but now he was wearing a black condom.

She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"

He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."

 

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Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke.

 

Her friend saw this and said, "Hey that's a good idea! But, what is that thing you put over your cigarette?"

 

The other old lady said, "It's a condom."

 

"A condom? Where do you get those?"

 

The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her, "What size do you want?"

 

The old lady thought for a minute and said, "One that will fit a Camel."

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QUOTE (DonnaWanna @ Jun 23 2006, 12:13 AM)
This lady lost her husband almost four years ago.
Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Sue said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom! I have
someone for you to meet."

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont. Their first night there, she undressed as he did.
There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties.
He was in his birthday suit.

Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"
She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to
explore, but down there I am still mourning."

He knew he was not getting lucky that night. The following night was the same--she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit--but now he was wearing a black condom.
She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"
He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."

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Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen

>

>her excitement -- not even her parents' nasty divorce.

>

>Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the

>

>best dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

>

>A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's

>

> new young wife had bought the exact same dress! Jennifer asked

>

>her step-mother to exchange it, but she refused. "Absolutely not.

>

> I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it,"

>

> she insisted.

>

>Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind,

>

>sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your

>

>special day."

>

>A few days later, they went shopping and did find another

>

> gorgeous dress.

>

>When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Aren't

>

>you going to return the other dress? You really don't have

>

>another occasion where you could wear it." Her mother just smiled

>

>and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the

>

>rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding."

>

>

>

>NOW I ASK YOU - IS THERE A WOMAN OUT THERE, ANYWHERE, WHO

>

> WOULDN'T ENJOY THIS STORY? SEND IT TO EVERY WOMAN YOU KNOW!!!!

>

 

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) For those who have grown children - this is totally hysterical!

cool.gif For those who have children past this age, this is hilarious.

c) For those who have children this age, this is not funny.

d) For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.

e) For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.

 

The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas:

 

Things I've learned from my Boys (honest and not kidding):

 

1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house

4 inches deep.

 

2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with

roller blades, they can ignite.

 

3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded

restaurant.

 

4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong

enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and

a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can,

to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

 

5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When

using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a

few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a

long way.

 

6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit

by a ceiling fan.

 

7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already

too late.

 

8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

 

9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a

36-y ear old Man says they can only do it in the movies.

 

10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year

old Boy.

 

11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

 

12.) Super glue is forever.

 

13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still

can't walk on water.

 

14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

 

15.) VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials

show they do.

 

16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

 

17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

 

18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

 

19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not

like ovens.

 

20.) The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

 

21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms

dizzy.

 

22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.

 

23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

 

24.) 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with

or without kids.

 

25.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake

fluid.

 

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Policeman testifies in court....................

http://usera.imagecave.com/RolindaBonz/policetestifies.jpg

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman.

 

He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility....

 

Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"

 

A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."

 

Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"

 

A: "The officer who responded to the scene."

 

Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"

 

A: "Yes, sir. With my life."

 

Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"

 

A: "Yes sir, we do!"

 

Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"

 

A: "Yes sir, I do."

 

Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"

 

A: "Yes sir."

 

Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"

 

A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."

 

The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

 

The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best Comeback" line -- and we think he'll win.

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The miracle of toilet paper!

 

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror, complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

 

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

 

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.

 

"How long will this take?" I ask?

 

They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

 

I stop. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

 

Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

 

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again.

Stupid, stupid man.

 

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QUOTE (Rolinda Bonz @ Jul 1 2006, 08:02 PM)
The miracle of toilet paper!

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror, complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.

"How long will this take?" I ask?

They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

I stop. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again.
Stupid, stupid man.

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An old classic which deserves to be dusted down and re-circulated -

 

 

Two builders (Phil and Eric) are seated either side of a table in a

rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on

a stool at the bar.

 

The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the

suit. Phil: - I reckon he's an accountant. Eric: - No way - he's a

stockbroker.

 

Phil: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

 

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer

gets the better of Phil and he makes for the toilet. On entering the

toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.

 

Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder.

 

Phil: - 'Scuse me.. no offence meant, but me and me mate were

wondering what you do for a living?

 

Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.

 

Phil: - Oh! What's that then?

 

Suit: - I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at

home?

 

Phil: - Er... mmm . well yeah, I do as it happens!

 

Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a

pond. Which is it?

 

Phil: - It's in a pond!

 

Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden

 

Phil: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!

 

Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a

large garden then you have a large house?

 

Phil: - As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house, built it myself!

 

Suit: - Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical

to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are

quite probably married?

 

Phil: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.

 

Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active

with your wife on a regular basis?

 

Phil:- Yep! Four nights a week!

 

Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate

very often?

 

Phil: - Me? Never.

 

Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

 

Phil: - How's that then?

 

Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you

about your sex life!

 

Phil: - I see! That's pretty impressive...thanks mate!

 

Both leave the toilet and Phil returns to his mate.

 

Eric: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

 

Phil: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

 

Eric: - What's that then?

 

Phil: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

 

Eric: - Nope.

 

Phil: - Well then, you're a w*nker.

 

 

 

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QUOTE (madra sneachta @ Jul 3 2006, 04:46 AM)
An old classic which deserves to be dusted down and re-circulated -


Two builders (Phil and Eric) are seated either side of a table in a
rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on
a stool at the bar.

The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the
suit. Phil: - I reckon he's an accountant. Eric: - No way - he's a
stockbroker.

Phil: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer
gets the better of Phil and he makes for the toilet. On entering the
toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.

Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder.

Phil: - 'Scuse me.. no offence meant, but me and me mate were
wondering what you do for a living?

Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.

Phil: - Oh! What's that then?

Suit: - I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at
home?

Phil: - Er... mmm . well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a
pond. Which is it?

Phil: - It's in a pond!

Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden

Phil: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!

Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a
large garden then you have a large house?

Phil: - As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house, built it myself!

Suit: - Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical
to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are
quite probably married?

Phil: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.

Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active
with your wife on a regular basis?

Phil:- Yep! Four nights a week!

Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate
very often?

Phil: - Me? Never.

Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

Phil: - How's that then?

Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you
about your sex life!

Phil: - I see! That's pretty impressive...thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Phil returns to his mate.

Eric: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Phil: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

Eric: - What's that then?

Phil: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

Eric: - Nope.

Phil: - Well then, you're a w*nker.

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A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in a real hurry! I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it. We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!"

 

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist ask him, "Which tooth is it sir?"

 

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show him."

 

 

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QUOTE (paganoman @ Jul 6 2006, 02:40 PM)
A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in a real hurry! I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it. We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!"

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist ask him, "Which tooth is it sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show him."

yep yep thats a guy for you laugh.gif

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A husband and wife go to a counselor after 15 years of marriage. The counselor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on.

 

Finally, the counselor gets up, walks around the desk, embraces the wife and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze.

 

The counselor turns to the husband and says, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

 

The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."

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1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

 

2. A day without sunshine is like . . . night.

 

3. On the other hand, you have different fingers

 

4. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

 

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

 

6. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

 

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

 

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the

cheese in the trap.

 

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

 

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

 

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

 

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

 

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

 

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

 

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

 

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

 

17. Every one has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

 

18. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

 

19. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

 

20. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

 

21. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

 

22. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

 

23. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what

happened.

 

24. Just remember - if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

 

25. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear

bright until you hear them speak.

 

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QUOTE (paganoman @ Jul 7 2006, 12:33 PM)
A husband and wife go to a counselor after 15 years of marriage. The counselor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on.

Finally, the counselor gets up, walks around the desk, embraces the wife and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze.

The counselor turns to the husband and says, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."

laugh.gif laugh.gif laugh.gif laugh.gif

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Two Cajun commercial fishermen, Boudreaux and Thibodeaux

went out in the Gulf of Mexico fishing. They were gone a

couple of months.On their return, they noticed a Taco Bell

had been built while they were away.

Boudreaux turns to Thibodeaux and says, "Look at dat,

we not gone no time and dem Mexicans done come over here

and built a telephone company!"

 

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