The Joke Thread (The Good, The Bad & The Ugly)

[Test4VitalSigns]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v300/test4vitalsigns/PreparationH.jpg

[DonnaWanna]

Ten Thoughts to Ponder for 2006

 

Number 10 - Life is sexually transmitted.

 

Number 9 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

 

Number 8 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

 

Number 7 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

 

Number 6 - Some people are like a Slinky...not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

 

Number 5 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

 

Number 4 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

 

Number 3 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

 

Number 2 - In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

 

AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2006 - We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration

[sullysue]

More of a funny story than a joke. But, it sorta confirms fendergirl's observation of the male species... dumb as a box of rocks.

 

 

 

HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THE TWO DUCK HUNTERS FROM WISCONSIN...???

ABSOLUTELY A TRUE STORY HEARD ON A WISCONSIN RADIO STATION REPORTING

ON THE INCIDENT.

 

 

A guy buys a brand new Lincoln Navigator truck for $42,500 (with

monthly payments of $560.00).

 

He and a friend go duck hunting in mid-winter; and of course, all of

the lakes are frozen. These two guys go out on a lake with their GUNS,

a DOG, and of course, the new NAVIGATOR.

 

They drive the Navigator out onto the frozen lake and get ready to

place the decoys. They decide they want to make a natural looking water

area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on.

 

Now making a hole in the ice large enough to invite a passing duck is

going to take a little more power than the average drill auger can

produce. So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of

dynamite with a short 40-second fuse.

 

Now our two Rocket Scientists, afraid they might slip on the ice while

trying to run away after lighting the fuse (and becoming toast, along

with the Navigator), decide on the following course of action: they

light the 40-second fuse; then, with a mighty thrust, they throw the

stick of dynamite as far away as possible.

 

Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the NAVIGATOR,

the GUNS, and the DOG...???

 

Let's talk about the dog: a highly trained Black Lab used for

RETRIEVING. Especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it: the

dog takes off across the ice at a high rate of speed and grabs the

stick of dynamite,

with the burning 40-second fuse, just as it hits the ice.

 

The two men swallow, blink, start waving their arms and, with the

veins in their necks swelling, scream and holler at the dog to stop.

The dog, now apparently cheered on by his master, keeps coming.

 

One hunter panics, grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun

is loaded with #8 birdshot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab. The

dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, then continues on. Another

shot, and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused

and of course terrified, thinking

these two geniuses have gone insane.

 

The dog takes off to find cover,............. under the brand new

Navigator. The men continue to scream as they run. The red hot exhaust

pipe on the truck touches the

dog's rear end,.......... he yelps, drops the dynamite under the truck

and takes off after his master.

 

Then """"""" BOOOOOOOOOOM """""""!!!! The truck is blown to bits and

sinks to the bottom of the lake, leaving the two idiots standing there

with "I can't believe this just happened" looks on their faces.

 

The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal

use of explosives is NOT COVERED by the policy. ..And he still had

yet to make the first of those $560.00 a month payments.

 

 

[DonnaWanna]

 

http://img111.imageshack.us/img111/2284/mental48qc.jpg

[sullysue]

QUOTE (DonnaWanna @ May 12 2006, 10:02 PM)

http://img111.imageshack.us/img111/2284/mental48qc.jpg

Nope! I'm OK.

[kazzman]

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him out of ten

million bucks; his bookkeeper is deaf. It was considered an occupational

benefit, and the reason he got the job in the first place, since it was

assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything that he'd

ever have to testify about in court.

 

When the Godfather goes to shakedown the bookkeeper about his missing $10

million bucks, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

 

The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks ! you

embezzled from me?" The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper

where the 10 million bucks is hidden.

 

The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."

 

The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're

talking about."

 

That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the

bookkeepers temple, cocks it, and says: "Ask him again!"

 

The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't

tell him!"

 

The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase,

buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"

 

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"

 

The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the

trigger."

[Cygnus]

Subject: Fw: Signs of the Times

>

> The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good

> idea to replace the first four rows of pews with plush bucket theater

> seats.

> It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now."

> The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, "And you told me a

> little more beat to the music would bring young people back to the church,

> I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir. We are

> packed to the balcony!!"

> "Thank you, Father," answered the young priest." I am pleased that you are

> open to the new ideas of youth."

> "However," said the elderly priest, "I'm afraid you've gone too far with

> the

> drive-thru confessional." "But, Father," protested the young priest, "my

> confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!"

> "I know, son, but that flashing neon sign, Toot 'n Tell or Go To Hell,

> just

> can't stay on the church roof!"

[Pags]

THE ITALIAN MOTHER

 

A young Italian man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married.

 

He says, "Just for fun Ma, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." His mother agrees.

 

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.

 

He then says, "Okay Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry." She immediately replies, "The one on the right."

 

"That's amazing Ma!! You're right! How did you know?"

 

The Italian mother replies, "I don't like her."

[Cygnus]

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the

block?" Mom says, "No, because the dog is in heat." "What does that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your father. I think he is in the garage."

 

The little girl went to the garage and asked "Dad, may I take Susie for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said that Susie was in heat, and to come talk to you."

 

Dad said, " Bring Susie over here" He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's rear-end with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Susie on the leash and only go one time around the block." The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with NO DOG on the leash.

 

Dad asked, "Where is Susie?"

 

The little girl said, "She will be here in a minute, she ran out of gas about halfway down the block and another dog is pushing her home."

[sundog]

A man bought a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.

 

The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

 

"There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.....Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

 

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.

 

"It's been a long hard day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, I don't need the frustration or the overtime, so if you can give me a really good excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

 

The guy thinks about it for a second and says, "Last week my nagging wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

 

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

 

 

 

[Cygnus]

> *A man went to the dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled.

>

> The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man.

>

> "No way! No needles! I hate needles!" the patient said.

>

> The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects.

>

> "I can't do the gas thing - the thought of having the gas mask on is

> suffocating to me!"

>

> The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a pill.

>

> "No,"- the patient says, -"I am fine with pills".

>

> The dentist then returns and says, "Here is a Viagara tablet."

>

> The patient says, "Wow - I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain pill!"

>

> "It doesn't,"- said the dentist -"but it will give you something to hold

> onto when I pull out your tooth."

 

[DonnaWanna]

A man entered the bus with both of his front pants pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls".

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked. "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow

 

[DonnaWanna]

A woman was in a coma, she had been in it for

months. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough there was a small, recognizable movement.

 

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma." The husband was sceptical, but they assured that they'd close the curtains for privacy.

The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

 

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses ran into the room. "What happened?" they cried.

 

"I'm not sure" The husband said, "maybe she choked"?

 

 

 

 

[DonnaWanna]

http://upchucky.net/~upchucky/flash-fun/farmer-donkey.swf

[Tick]

so this women tells her husband he has to stop drinking beer . he asks her why do you get to keep buying makeup for yourself but i cant buy beer ? she says the makeup is to make me look pretty for you. he says thats what the be beer is for also.

[Test4VitalSigns]

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.

 

Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half, but accidentally sends her the bottom half of the picture.

 

He is really worried when he realizes that he has sent the wrong half. But then he remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is and hopes she won't notice.

 

A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says:

 

"Thank you for the picture. You should change your hair style... it makes your nose look too short."

[Test4VitalSigns]

A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie. The genie says "Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you three wishes."

The man says "Great. I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want. First, I want 1 Billion dollars in a Swiss bank account."

Phoof! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand. He continues, "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here."

Phoof! There is a flash of light and abright red brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him. He continues, "Finally, I want to be irresistible to women."

Phoof! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.

[Test4VitalSigns]

A firefighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl riding down the sidewalk in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

 

The girl is wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon is

being pulled by her dog and her cat.

 

The firefighter walks out to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," he says admiringly.

 

"Thanks, Mister Fireman," the girl says.

 

The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the girl

has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

 

"Little Partner," the firefighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster!"

 

The little girl replies sweetly, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren..."

[Cygnus]

A hillbilly walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for

divorce

Attorney: "May I help you

Hillbilly: "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces".

Attorney: "Well do you have any grounds?"

Hillbilly: "Yea, I got about a hundred acres."

Attorney: "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"

Hillbilly: "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."

Attorney: "I mean, do you have a grudge?"

Hillbilly: "Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere."

Attorney: "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"

Hillbilly: "Yes sir, I got a suit, I wear it to church on Sundays."

Attorney: "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"

Hillbilly: "No sir, we both get up about 4:30 in the morning."

Attorney: "Well, is she a nagger or anything?!?!?!?"

Hillbilly: "No she's a little white gal, but our last child was."

Hillbilly: "That's why I want this dayvorce."

[blonde77th]

QUOTE (DonnaWanna @ May 18 2006, 06:40 AM)

A woman was in a coma, she had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough there was a small, recognizable movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma." The husband was sceptical, but they assured that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses ran into the room. "What happened?" they cried. "I'm not sure" The husband said, "maybe she choked"?

[blonde77th]

QUOTE (Test4VitalSigns @ May 20 2006, 04:43 AM)

A firefighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl riding down the sidewalk in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat. The firefighter walks out to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," he says admiringly. "Thanks, Mister Fireman," the girl says. The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little Partner," the firefighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster!" The little girl replies sweetly, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren..."

omg too funny

[blonde77th]

QUOTE (Test4VitalSigns @ May 12 2006, 08:02 AM)

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v300/test4vitalsigns/PreparationH.jpg

at times i could use 1 of those

[Alien Girl]

Oh those are sooooo bad.

[blonde77th]

yeh but just think the next time someone gets under your nerves

[sundog]

QUOTE (chaotica)

Fred's visit to the doctor "Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional.  In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient." "Okay then," Fred said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the doctor had ever seen.  It couldn't have been the size of a peanut. Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, and then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure. "I'm so sorry, "Said the doctor, "I really am..... I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?" "It's swollen," Fred replied.

 

Edited May 23, 2006 by sundog