The Joke Thread (The Good, The Bad & The Ugly)

[sundog]

QUOTE (paganoman @ Apr 25 2006, 11:23 AM)

I got this from an email this morning: A blonde (not you blonde77th) called her old boyfriend and said, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure it out or how to get it started." Her old boyfriend asked, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde said, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." Her old boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle. She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the table. He studied the pieces for a moment, then looked at the box, then turned to her and said, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger. He took her hand and said, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of hot chocolate and" then he sighed.............. "let's put all these frosted flakes back in the box."

*moan*

[sundog]

One day a teacher had a taste test with her students. She picked a little boy to do the first test. She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss in his mouth and asked, "Do you know what it is?"

 

"No, I don't," said the little boy.

 

"OK, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your Mom before he goes to work."

 

Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled, "Spit it out! It's a piece of ass!"

 

 

[Drumnut]

QUOTE (sundog @ Apr 26 2006, 07:15 PM)

One day a teacher had a taste test with her students. She picked a little boy to do the first test. She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss in his mouth and asked, "Do you know what it is?" "No, I don't," said the little boy. "OK, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your Mom before he goes to work." Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled, "Spit it out! It's a piece of ass!"

[blonde77th]

I got this from an email this morning:

 

A blonde (not you blonde77th) called her old

boyfriend and said, "Please come over here

and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and

I can't figure it out or how to get it started."

 

Her old boyfriend asked, "What is it supposed

to be when it's finished?" The blonde said,

"According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

 

Her old boyfriend decided to go over and help

with the puzzle. She let him in and showed

him where she had the puzzle spread all over

the table.

 

He studied the pieces for a moment, then looked

at the box, then turned to her and said, "First

of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be

able to assemble these pieces into anything

resembling a tiger.

 

He took her hand and said, "Second, I want you

to relax. Let's have a nice cup of hot chocolate

and" then he sighed.............. "let's put all these

frosted flakes back in the box."

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Drumnut]

 

 

Good one!!!

[sundog]

Quote Blonde, Quote. -----------------------------------------------------------------------^^^

QUOTE (blonde77th @ Apr 26 2006, 11:50 PM)

I got this from an email this morning: A blonde (not you blonde77th) called her old boyfriend and said, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure it out or how to get it started." Her old boyfriend asked, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde said, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." Her old boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle. She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the table. He studied the pieces for a moment, then looked at the box, then turned to her and said, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger. He took her hand and said, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of hot chocolate and" then he sighed.............. "let's put all these frosted flakes back in the box."

Edited April 27, 2006 by sundog

[Cygnus]

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting, and confesses;

 

"I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible

about it."

 

"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.

 

"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive, that looked like it

was going to sail over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was

hanging over the fairway, and then fell straight down to the ground

after going only about 100 yards."

 

"Is that when you swore?" asked Mother Superior.

 

"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the

bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth, and began to run away."

 

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.

 

"Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an

eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and

began to fly away!"

 

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.

 

"No, Mother. Oh no, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away

in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."

 

"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior.

 

"Oh no, Mother. My ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand

trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about SIX inches from the hole."

 

 

 

 

 

 

The two nuns were silent for a moment.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Then Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the @$% putt,

didn't you?"

 

[Pags]

A woman walks into a drug store and asks the clerk behind the counter if they sell extra large condoms.

 

The clerk looks at the woman questionably, then nods and tells her "yes, we do. They're right here behind the counter."

 

The woman thanks the clerk and stands there, and stands there, and stands there.

 

The clerk asks the woman, "Is there something else I can help you with?"

 

The woman smiles sweetly at the clerk and says, "No, thank you. I'm just waiting here to see who buys them."

 

 

edited to include the most accurate part of the story...

 

Just then the woman would have her curiousity satisfied as Pags entered the drug store...

Edited April 27, 2006 by paganoman

[Rolinda Bonz]

QUOTE (paganoman @ Apr 27 2006, 11:38 AM)

edited to include the most accurate part of the story... Just then the woman would have her curiousity satisfied as Pags entered the drug store...

[DonnaWanna]

Its a JOKE people,So any polish out there..ITS a JOKE

 

 

 

In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage."

The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"

The guy, (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something, if I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco would you ask if I was Mexican?

Would ya, huh? Would ya?"

 

The clerk says, "Well, no!"

 

"If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"

"Well, I probably wouldn't!"

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well then why did you ask me if I'm Polish because I ask for Polish sausage?"

 

The clerk replies, "Because you're in Home Depot."

 

[Test4VitalSigns]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v300/test4vitalsigns/Applause.jpg

[Test4VitalSigns]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v300/test4vitalsigns/Blowjob.gif

[Test4VitalSigns]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v300/test4vitalsigns/hard.jpg

[Test4VitalSigns]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v300/test4vitalsigns/kidssex.jpg

[Cygnus]

The Bus Trip

 

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a week-end gambling trip to Louisiana. The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level. The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. The brunette asked, "What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!" One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered,

"YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!

 

 

[Daylin]

Test, very funny stuff

 

Cygnus

[Cygnus]

Two gay men are walking hand in hand along a beach, when they come across a strange looking bottle sticking out from the sand.

One of the men picks it up and while brushing the sand off, a genie comes forth from the bottle.

 

Stunned, the two men are further awed when the genie speaks,

 

"I am the genie of the bottle. For rescuing me, I will grant ONE wish between the both of you, any time you wish!"

 

They said that they understood, and the genie vanished. They went home.

 

Later that night, they both went to bed, and began to fool around a bit.

 

Suddenly all hell breaks loose. There is shouting outside their front door. Lights and torches light up the night on their front lawn. The door is then kicked in, and a dozen men in white sheets and hoods, come charging in, and grab these two unfortunate fellows from their bed.

 

They are dragged out to the front yard, where a cross is burning, and two nooses have been slug from the maple tree in the yard. Their hands are tied, and they are brought up to the tree and their heads put in the nooses.

 

The one man then desperately yells to the other,

 

"I think it's about time to use that wish!"

 

"I can't, I already used it!", replied the other.

 

"You did WHAT? WHEN?" shreiked his partner.

 

"Back when we went to bed", said the other, "When we started to mess around, I wished that we could both be HUNG LIKE BLACK MEN!"

 

[Test4VitalSigns]

A woman walks into a pharmacy and tentatively approaches the pharmacist. The pharmacist, seeing her hesitancy, asks if there is anything that he can do for her. She asks him in a quiet voice, "Do you carry extra large condoms?" He points to where they are and asks if she wants to purchase a box. She says, "No, but do you mind if I wait here until someone does?"

[Cygnus]

DALLAS AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL

 

Dallas ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 911--You are cleared to land eastbound on

runway 27R."

 

Saudi Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's

runway 27R--Allah be Praised !!"

 

Dallas ATC: "Tower to Iran Air 711--You are cleared to land westbound on

runway 9L"

 

Iran Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway

9L- -Allah is Great !!"

 

Pause: Static.............

 

Saudi Air: "DALLAS ATC! DALLAS ATC!!!"

 

Dallas ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 911?"

 

Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS!!! WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE!!! INSTRUCTIONS PLEASE!!!

 

Dallas ATC: "Well bless your hearts. Y'all be careful now and tell Allah

'hey' for us -- ya hear?"

[Arleen2112]

QUOTE (Test4VitalSigns @ May 2 2006, 06:30 AM)

A woman walks into a pharmacy and tentatively approaches the pharmacist. The pharmacist, seeing her hesitancy, asks if there is anything that he can do for her. She asks him in a quiet voice, "Do you carry extra large condoms?" He points to where they are and asks if she wants to purchase a box. She says, "No, but do you mind if I wait here until someone does?"

[Arleen2112]

QUOTE (Test4VitalSigns @ May 1 2006, 07:41 AM)

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v300/test4vitalsigns/Applause.jpg

OMG!!

 

[Daylin]

QUOTE (Test4VitalSigns @ May 2 2006, 05:30 AM)

A woman walks into a pharmacy and tentatively approaches the pharmacist. The pharmacist, seeing her hesitancy, asks if there is anything that he can do for her. She asks him in a quiet voice, "Do you carry extra large condoms?" He points to where they are and asks if she wants to purchase a box. She says, "No, but do you mind if I wait here until someone does?"

 

[DonnaWanna]

An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman hit the roof and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed and placed in a holding cell.

 

After a couple of hours a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects. He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. "I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. "Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."

 

[Pags]

A young man goes into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist: "Hello, could you give me a condom? My girlfriend has invited me for dinner to meet her parents. Well, I've met her mother already. But you know how it goes. I know she'll be wanting a piece of me afterwards."

 

The pharmacist gives him the condom; and as the young man is going out, he returns and tells him: "Give me another condom because my girlfriend's sister is very cute too. She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me and I think she expects something from me too.."

 

The pharmacist gives him a second condom; and as the boy is leaving he turns back and says : "After all, give me one more condom because my girlfriend's mom is still pretty cute and when she sees me she always puts the moves on me. I think she'll be expecting something from me, too."

 

During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his left, the sister on his right and the mom facing him. When the dad gets there, the boy lowers his head and starts praying: "Dear Lord, bless this dinner... thank you for all you give us...!!!" A minute later the boy is still praying: "Thank you Lord for your kindness..." ten minutes go on and the boy is still praying, keeping his head down.

 

The others look at each other surprised and his girlfriend even more than the others. She gets close to the boy and tells him in his ear: "I didn't know you were so religious!!!"

 

The boy replies: "I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist!!!"

[blonde77th]

QUOTE (paganoman @ May 5 2006, 08:31 AM)

A young man goes into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist: "Hello, could you give me a condom? My girlfriend has invited me for dinner to meet her parents. Well, I've met her mother already. But you know how it goes. I know she'll be wanting a piece of me afterwards." The pharmacist gives him the condom; and as the young man is going out, he returns and tells him: "Give me another condom because my girlfriend's sister is very cute too. She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me and I think she expects something from me too.." The pharmacist gives him a second condom; and as the boy is leaving he turns back and says : "After all, give me one more condom because my girlfriend's mom is still pretty cute and when she sees me she always puts the moves on me. I think she'll be expecting something from me, too." During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his left, the sister on his right and the mom facing him. When the dad gets there, the boy lowers his head and starts praying: "Dear Lord, bless this dinner... thank you for all you give us...!!!" A minute later the boy is still praying: "Thank you Lord for your kindness..." ten minutes go on and the boy is still praying, keeping his head down. The others look at each other surprised and his girlfriend even more than the others. She gets close to the boy and tells him in his ear: "I didn't know you were so religious!!!" The boy replies: "I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist!!!"