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The Joke Thread (The Good, The Bad & The Ugly)


The Notorious B.S.G.
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Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

 

He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

 

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

 

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

 

She says, "That he did, Father." The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "

 

She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'

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A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down but says nothing.

 

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.

 

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

 

The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either."

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A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about enlarging her tiny breasts. Dr. Smith advised her, "Every day after your shower rub your chest and say, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."

 

She did this faithfully for several months and it worked! She grew terrific D-cup boobs! One morning she was running late, got on the bus and in a panic realised she had forgotten her morning ritual.

 

Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her eyes and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."

 

A guy sitting nearby looked at her, "By any chance, are you a patient of Dr. Smith's?" "Why, yes I am... How did you know?" He leaned closer, winked and whispered, "Hickory dickory dock..."

 

 

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The teacher asked Michael,

"If you were on a date,

having dinner with a nice young lady,

how would you tell her that

you have to go to the rest room?"

"Just a minute, I have to go pee",

he said.

The teacher replied,

"That would be rude and impolite.

What about you? Paul, how would you say it?

"I am sorry,

but I really need to go to the bathroom,

I'll be right back."

The teacher responded,

"That's better,

but it's still not very mannerly

to say the word 'bathroom' at the table."

"And you Johnny,

are you able to use your

intelligence for once and show us your good manners." "I would say:

Darling, may I please be excused for a moment,

I have to shake hands with a

very dear friend of mine,

whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."

The teacher fainted.

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Just One Wish...

 

 

 

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish."

 

 

 

Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

 

 

 

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime, or anyone else, that wants to."

 

 

 

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific. The concrete and steel it would take.

 

 

 

I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.

 

 

 

Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify Me."

 

 

 

The man thought about it for a long time.

 

 

 

Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women."

 

 

 

" I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry,what they mean when they say 'nothing' or 'I don't care', and how I can make a woman truly happy."

 

 

 

The Lord replied, "Do you want lights on that bridge...... ?

 

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QUOTE (ladirushfan80 @ Feb 11 2006, 07:33 AM)
Just One Wish...



A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish."



Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."



The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime, or anyone else, that wants to."



The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific. The concrete and steel it would take.



I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.



Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify Me."



The man thought about it for a long time.



Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women."



" I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry,what they mean when they say 'nothing' or 'I don't care', and how I can make a woman truly happy."



The Lord replied, "Do you want lights on that bridge...... ?

tongue.gif This is supposed to be the joke thread, that's the God's honest truth!!! doh.gif

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Consider yourself warned .................

 

The latest scam in the Chicagoland Area which is happening at the North Riverside and Chicago Ridge Malls...

 

(Though this could spread elsewhere ??? )

Two good looking 21 year old women come to your car as you are

parking your car.

 

One starts wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, the other

comes to your window saying 'hi' while bending over with her breasts

almost coming out of her blouse, impossible not to look.

 

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say no and beg you

for a ride to the nearby motel. You agree and tell them

to sit in the back.

 

On the way they start having sex in the back seat.

Then one of them jumps to the front seat & starts to perform oral

sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.

 

I was robbed last Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday,

but I couldn't find them Saturday or Sunday.

 

Be carefull,

Boz69

 

2.gif trink39.gif common001.gif trink39.gif common001.gif trink39.gif common001.gif trink39.gif 2.gif

Edited by boz69
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How men think

 

I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend the other day. We

lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic nights we used

to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be

interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "magic."

 

Wow!" I said. "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now.

I'm

a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"

 

She just giggled and said she was sure I'd "rise" to the challenge.

"Yeah" I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a

waistline

that's a few inches wider these days!"

 

 

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me,

saying that tubby bald men were cute, and she was sure I would still

be a great lover.

 

"Anyway," she giggled, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"

 

So I told her to f**k off.

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QUOTE (NinjaRider @ Feb 18 2006, 10:15 AM)
Q-How can you tell when it's a male pornstar fueling up his car?














A-When he's finished,he pulls out the nozzle and sprays some on his car.
bolt.gif

z7shysterical.gif

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Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

 

Bud says, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!" Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?" So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed.

 

The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings... It's Jim.

 

Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?" Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?" Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?" Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often." "Yeah, well there's just one thing..." "What's that?" "Have you farted yet?" "No....."

 

"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in PHOENIX!!!"

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A man comes home in the middle of the day and finds

his young wife standing in the middle of their deluxe

apartment wearing a red G-string, 7 inch steel heels,

and the whole apartment is flooded.

"What happened here?" he asks.

"I think the waterbed busted," says the trembling wife.

Just then a naked guy floats by. "Who's that?" demands

the husband.

"I dunno, must be a life guard

 

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THE PICTURE ON THE NIGHTSTAND

 

After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on

her nightstand by the bed, he begins to worry.

 

"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.

 

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

 

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.

 

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

 

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

 

"No, no, no!!!" she answers.

 

"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.

 

"That's me before the surgery."

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QUOTE (paganoman @ Feb 21 2006, 11:59 AM)
THE PICTURE ON THE NIGHTSTAND

After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on
her nightstand by the bed, he begins to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

"No, no, no!!!" she answers.

"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.

"That's me before the surgery."

unsure.gif

 

 

 

 

ph34r.gif

 

 

 

 

rofl3.gif

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An Oldie but Goodie

 

 

Sitting together on a train, traveling through the Swiss Alps, are

a French guy

 

an American guy,

 

an old Greek lady and

 

a young blonde Swiss girl.

 

 

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the

sound of a loud slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the French

guy has a bright red hand print on his cheek.

 

No one speaks.

 

The old Greek lady thinks:

 

The French guy must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped

his cheek.

 

The blonde thinks:

 

That French guy must have tried to grope me in the dark. But he missed

me and fondled the old Greek lady instead... and she slapped his cheek.

 

French guy thinks:

 

The American guy must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to

slap him but missed and got me instead.

 

The American guy thinks:

 

I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can smack that French guy again.

 

 

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A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

 

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

 

He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

 

At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go

 

tongue.gif

 

biggrin.gif

 

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QUOTE (Arleen2112 @ Feb 21 2006, 01:29 PM)
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go

tongue.gif

biggrin.gif

laugh.gif

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