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Cardiologist's Funeral

 

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

 

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

 

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral.........I'm a gynecologist."

 

The proctologist fainted.

 

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QUOTE (Cygnus @ Mar 28 2006, 08:57 AM)
Cardiologist's Funeral

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral.........I'm a gynecologist."

The proctologist fainted.

rofl3.gif rofl3.gif rofl3.gif

icon_really_happy_guy.gif icon_really_happy_guy.gif icon_really_happy_guy.gif

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QUOTE (Cygnus @ Mar 28 2006, 09:57 AM)
Cardiologist's Funeral

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral.........I'm a gynecologist."

The proctologist fainted.

z7shysterical.gif z7shysterical.gif z7shysterical.gif trink39.gif

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QUOTE (Cygnus @ Mar 28 2006, 11:57 AM)
Cardiologist's Funeral

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral.........I'm a gynecologist."

The proctologist fainted.

2funny.gif

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Making A Puppy

 

A father was walking with his young son in the park when they came upon two dogs having sex. The boy asked his dad what the dogs were doing. He said that they were making a puppy.

 

A couple of days later the boy walked in on his parents who were having sex on the couch. He asked his father what they were doing. He said that they were making a baby.

 

The boy replied, "Can you turn Mummy over? I'd much rather have a puppy."

 

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Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to

have a last night on the town. After a few drinks, they end up at the

local brothel.

 

The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her

manager, "go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in

each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference."

 

The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business.

 

As they are walking home the first man says, "you know, I think my girl was dead!"

 

"Dead?" says his friend, "why would you say that?"

 

"Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her."

 

His friend says, "I think mine was a witch."

 

"A witch, why the hell would you say that?"

 

"Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck and I gave

her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window".

 

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Vegetative Life

While watching the basketball game Monday night my

wife and I were discussing life and death. I told

her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a

vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids

from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the

plug."

 

She promptly got up, unplugged the TV and threw out

all my beer.

 

Some days I hate being married to a smartass

 

 

Thanks netgirl for the email, you shoulda posted this! laugh.gif

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Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns

to

the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do.

Whenever

I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off

before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into

the garage. Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak

!

up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the

toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease

into

bed and my wife STILL Wakes Up, and Yells at me for staying out so

late!

 

"His buddy looks at him and says "Well, you're obviously taking

the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door,

storm

up the steps, pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full

flush, throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then

jump into bed, slap her on! the butt and say!, WHO'S

HORNY????!!!"

and she acts like she's sound asleep.

 

It Works Every Time!!

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A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed

was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an

envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.

It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the

envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

 

"Dear Dad, It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.

I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a

scene with Mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy,

and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because

of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and

because she is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that

we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a

stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having

many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really

hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with

the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we

want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS,

so Stacy can get better. She sure doesn't deserve it! Don't worry

Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your grandchildren.

 

Love, your son,

John.

 

P.S. Dad, None of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I

just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than

the report card that's in my center desk drawer. I love you! Call

when it is safe for me to come home

 

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Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge

around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up

to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman

was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her,

and some of the males actually joined in.

 

One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened

and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched.

 

"STOP!" he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?"

Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper

and held it up to him.

"OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

 

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold

popped out

in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?"

Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up

to him.

Harold nodded and said "Carry on, ma'am."

As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig

stepped out

in front of her, stark naked, holding Captain Happy in his hand.

 

"Oh, good grief," said Ethel, "Not the Breathalyzer again!"

 

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Here are 6 reasons why you should think before you speak - the last one

is great! Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately

take the word back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the

testimonials of a few people who did...

 

FIRST TESTIMONY:

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and

asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I

turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't

say a word...he knew better.

 

 

SECOND TESTIMONY:

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was

unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for

several minutes, I was approached by on! e of the good-looking gentlemen

who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking,

I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

 

 

THIRD TESTIMONY:

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a

variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the

boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm

just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically. The

boy grinned, and turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister

has never let me forget.

 

 

FOURTH TESTIMONY:

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release

some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her

after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I

told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be

punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice

just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell

Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence

was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped

what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked

out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the

door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

 

 

FIFTH TESTIMONY:

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My

three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was

on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in

between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While

enjoying my taco, I ! smelled something funny, so of course I checked my

seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny

had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go,

and h e said "No." I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an

accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny,

are you SURE you didn't have an accident? "No," he replied. I just KNEW

that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.

Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This

time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his

cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly

choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants

and sat own. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the

best laugh they'd ever had!

 

 

LAST TESTIMONY:

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very

embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think

before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get

any... true story...We had a female news anchor that, the day after it

was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and

asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not

only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were

laughing so hard!

 

 

 

 

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CAN OF WORMS

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

 

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

 

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

 

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

 

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

 

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

 

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

 

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.

 

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.

 

Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.

 

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive. &g! t; So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this demonstration?

 

A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

 

Don't you just love little old ladies????

 

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QUOTE (Cygnus @ Apr 6 2006, 10:25 AM)
CAN OF WORMS
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.

Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive. &g! t; So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this demonstration?

A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

Don't you just love little old ladies????

laugh.gif

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Two Nuns

 

Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling

through Europe in their car.

 

They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny Dracula jumps onto

the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

 

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?"

 

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the

abomination!" says Sister Helen.

 

Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but

he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

 

"What shall I do now?" she shouts.

 

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy

Water at the Vatican!" says Sister Helen.

 

Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer.

 

Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on

and continues hissing at the nuns.

 

"Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine.

 

"Show him your cross." says Sister Helen.

 

"Now you're talking!" says Sister Catherine.

 

She opens the window and shouts, "Get the f*** off the car!"

 

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QUOTE (Cygnus @ Apr 6 2006, 12:29 PM)
Two Nuns

Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling
through Europe in their car.

They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny Dracula jumps onto
the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the
abomination!" says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but
he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy
Water at the Vatican!" says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer.

Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on
and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine.

"Show him your cross." says Sister Helen.

"Now you're talking!" says Sister Catherine.

She opens the window and shouts, "Get the f*** off the car!"

icon_really_happy_guy.gif

 

bekloppt.gif Cygnus,

you're cracking me up today....thanks! laugh.gif trink39.gif

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QUOTE (Daylin @ Apr 6 2006, 02:05 PM)
QUOTE (Cygnus @ Apr 6 2006, 12:29 PM)
Two Nuns

Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling
through Europe in their car.

They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny Dracula jumps onto
the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the
abomination!" says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but
he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy
Water at the Vatican!" says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer.

Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on
and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine.

"Show him your cross." says Sister Helen.

"Now you're talking!" says Sister Catherine.

She opens the window and shouts, "Get the f*** off the car!"

icon_really_happy_guy.gif

 

bekloppt.gif Cygnus,

you're cracking me up today....thanks! laugh.gif trink39.gif

I try trink39.gif

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How To Catch an Elephant.............

 

1. Dig yourself a hole....a LARGE hole.

 

2. Put ashes in the bottom of the hole.

 

3. Then put a row of peas all around the top edge of the hole.

 

Hide yourself in a blind 10 yards or so from the hole. Wait. Soon an elephant will come by.

 

When he goes to take a pea, KICK HIM IN THE ASH-HOLE!

 

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Sunday Morning Sex .....

 

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died,her grandmother replied, He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago,realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even...

Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued,

"He'd still be alive if the ice cream van hadn't come along."

Edited by nebbish
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QUOTE (Cygnus @ Apr 6 2006, 01:58 PM)
How To Catch an Elephant.............

1. Dig yourself a hole....a LARGE hole.

2. Put ashes in the bottom of the hole.

3. Then put a row of peas all around the top edge of the hole.

Hide yourself in a blind 10 yards or so from the hole. Wait. Soon an elephant will come by.

When he goes to take a pea, KICK HIM IN THE ASH-HOLE!

tongue.gif laugh.gif laugh.gif

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QUOTE (nebbish @ Apr 6 2006, 05:04 PM)
Sunday Morning Sex .....

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died,her grandmother replied, He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago,realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even...
Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued,
"He'd still be alive if the ice cream van hadn't come along."

ohmy.gif rofl3.gif

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The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled "You Can Be the Man of Your House".

 

He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law! You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner you are going to go upstairs with me, and we will have the kind of sex that I want. After that, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then you will massage my feet and hands. Then after that's done, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

 

 

 

His wife replied, "The f***n' funeral director would be my guess!

 

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Soon it will be the anniversary of

Albert Einstein's birthday. He was born March 14,

 

1879. Few remember that the Nobel Prize winner married

 

his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage

 

dissolved in 1919.

 

 

He stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she

 

was well endowed. He postulated that if you are

 

attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction

 

is stronger if there is a DNA connection.

 

 

It's called Einstein's Theory of Relative Titty

 

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