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The Joke Thread (The Good, The Bad & The Ugly)


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A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of

life?"

 

A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said,

"All I want out of life is four little animals."

The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that be sugar?"

The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed and of course, I'll need a jackass to pay for all of it."

 

 

The teacher fainted.

 

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The George Bush Virus - Causes your computer to keep looking for viruses of mass destruction.

 

The John Kerry Virus - Stores data on both sides of the disk and causes little purple hearts to appear on screen.

 

The Clinton Virus - Gives you a permanent Hard Drive; with NO memory

 

The Al Gore Virus - Causes your computer to keep counting and re-counting

 

The Bob Dole Virus - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy

 

The Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did

 

The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back

 

The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes

 

The Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200 GB hard drive shrinks to 100 GB, then slowly expands to re-stabilize around 350 GB

 

The Ellen Degeneres Virus - Disks can no longer be inserted

 

The Prozac Virus - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care

 

The Michael Jackson Virus - Only attacks minor files

 

The Lorena Bobbitt Virus - Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy...then discards it through Windows

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We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below....

 

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

 

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of Perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say:

"You're next."

 

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Following a night out with a few friends, a man

> brought them back to show off his new flat. >

> After the grand tour, the visitors were rather

> perplexed by the large gong taking pride of place in the lounge.

> "What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests

> asked.

> "Why, that's my Speaking Clock" the man replied.

>

> "How does it work?"

> "I'll show you", the man said, giving the gong an

> ear-shattering blow with an unpadded hammer.

> Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall

> screamed, "For **** sake, you *****, it's twenty to two in the ****ing

> morning!!"

 

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A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer.

> After drinking it, he looks in his shirt pocket and

> asks for another beer.

> After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket

> again and asks for another beer.

> This happens about another seven times before the

> bartender asks him, "Why do you keep looking in your pocket?"

> The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in

> there. When she looks good enough, I'll go home."

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An unmarried woman is newly pregnant and gets into an auto accident. She suffers a head injury and lapses into a coma for nine months. When she awakens in the hospital, she panics and asks about her baby.

 

Her doctor is called in and gives her a mild sedative, then he sits down to answer her questions. "I'm so happy to see you recovering", he says. The woman responds, "Thank you doctor, but what about my baby? Is everything all right?" He replies, "Yes, despite your injury, we were able to perform a fairly normal delivery procedure."

 

"In fact," he goes on, "you've given birth to twins - a boy and a girl". The woman is very happy and asks when she can see her new babies. The doctor replies, "Right away, but we've already sent the infants home with your brother. We'll call and tell him you're okay. While you were unconscious, your brother took care of everything for you. He even gave the babies names."

 

At this point, the woman gets upset, "Doctor, my brother is an idiot! What name did he give my little girl?" The doctor answered that her name was Denise. "Oh, Denise, that's not so bad. What name did he give my boy?" The doctor answered, "Denephew".

 

 

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One evening, Mike went over to his friend, Terry's, house to play

cards with some friends. Mike sat directly across from Terry's wife.

Mike dropped a card on the floor and bent down to pick it up. When he

looked across the table he saw that Terry's wife had her legs wide open

and no panties on. He sat up and was flushed. He went into the kitchen

to get a drink of water. To his surprise, Terry's wife had followed him

into the kitchen and said "Did you like what you saw?" Mike said, "Yes, I

did!" Terry's wife said, "Well, you can get more than that but it will

cost you $500." So Mike thought about his financial situation and said

okay. She said, "Come here tomorrow at 2:30 because Terry will be at

work." Mike said, "I'll see you then." The next day Mike went over, they

had sex, he paid her, and then he left. Later Terry came home and asked,

Has Mike been over here today?" Thinking she had been caught, she

said "As a matter of fact, he did." Terry said "Good, because that fool came

by my job this morning and asked to borrow $500 until this evening, and

he said he would leave it with you." NOW THAT'S A TRUE PLAYAH!!!!

 

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Wedding Night

 

At 85 years of age, Wally married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old.

 

Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their

wedding she and Wally should have separate bedrooms, because she is

concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they

spend the entire night together.

 

After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and

the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the

door opens and there is Wally, her 85 year old groom, ready for action.

 

They unite as one. All goes well, Wally takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

 

After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Wally. Again he is ready for more "action".

 

Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more coupling. When the

newlyweds are done, Wally kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight

and leaves.

 

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Wally is

back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more "action". And, once again they enjoy each other.

 

But as Wally gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Wally."

 

Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says: "You mean I was here already?"

 

The moral of the story: Senior moments have their advantages

 

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A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast; bacon, eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? Grapefruit with coffee to follow?

 

He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "it's really taken the edge off my appetite."

 

At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. A bowl of home made soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich? Perhaps a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?

 

He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

 

Come tea time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. She'll go to the cafe and buy him a burger. Maybe a steak and cheese pie? Pizza? Or a tasty stir fry that would only take a couple of minutes?

 

He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "it's really taken the edge off my appetite."

 

"Well," she says, "would you mind getting off me? I'm fcuking starving!"

 

 

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An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra. The pharmacist said, "That's no problem. How many do you want?"

 

The man answered, "Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces."

 

The pharmacist said, "That won't do you any good."

 

The elderly gentleman said, "That's alright. I don't need them for sex anymore as I am over 80 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes."

 

 

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The Original Computer

 

 

 

Memory was something you lost with age

An application was for employment

A program was a TV show

A cursor used profanity

 

A keyboard was a piano

A web was a spider's home

A virus was the flu

A CD was a bank account

 

A hard drive was a long trip on the road

A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

 

And if you had a 3 inch floppy . .

 

. . . you just hoped nobody ever found out!

 

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A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the

wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the

side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive. It was, and she

said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it

with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"

 

He says, "O.K., Get in the car with it."

 

"Where shall I put it to get it warm?"

 

He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there."

 

"But what about the smell?"

 

"Just hold its nose."

 

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him

with died at the scene...

 

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John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the Rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

 

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

 

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

 

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

 

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

 

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know,

he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

 

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I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

 

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

 

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?"

 

"Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either."

 

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

 

I said, "No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

 

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"

 

"No, I don't," I said.

 

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

 

"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

 

He looked at me and said, "Then, why do you give a shit?"

 

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QUOTE (Cygnus @ Feb 9 2006, 12:11 PM)
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?"

"Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said, "No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"

"No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then, why do you give a shit?"

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ALL GRANDPAS, HEED THIS WARNING .......

Do NOT lose your Grandkids in the Mall!

 

 

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.

 

He approached a Uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"

The cop asked, "What's he like?"

 

The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,

"Crown Royal Whiskey and women with big boobs."

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