The Joke Thread (The Good, The Bad & The Ugly)

[pixey]

One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a water hole.

 

This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another animal in all his life.

 

By chance today a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.

 

The frog called for the two to stop.

 

The frog said, "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant you both three wishes... Bear, you go first."

 

The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was, said, "I wish for all the bears in this forest, besides me, to be female."

 

For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on.

 

The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.

 

It was the bear's second turn for a wish.

 

"Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well."

 

Rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and gunned the engine.

 

The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked for money and bought the motorcycle.

 

For the last wish the bear thought for a while and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female."

 

The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said, "I wish the bear was gay."

 

 

 

[Test4VitalSigns]

http://i14.photobucket.com/albums/a321/hemispheres2005/balloons.jpg

[Cygnus]

Peter met Sharon in a nightclub. They enjoyed each other's company very much and at the end of the evening Sharon invited Peter to her place, where they quickly got involved in a very passionate and energetic session in bed together.

 

Finally, tired and satisfied, they both lay back in the bed and snuggled up close to each other.

 

After a short while, Sharon began tenderly stroking Peter's manhood. Surprised but appreciative, Peter comments, "Surely you can't be ready for more already?"

 

Sharon replies, "No, but every now and then I get a bit nostalgic, and I miss the days when I had mine."

 

[Cygnus]

A nurse walks into a bank, preparing to endorse a check. She reaches in her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries to write with it.

 

She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then realizing her mistake, and says, "Well that's great. Some a$$hole's got my pen."

[Riv]

QUOTE (Cygnus @ Nov 14 2005, 06:02 PM)

A nurse walks into a bank, preparing to endorse a check. She reaches in her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries to write with it. She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then realizing her mistake, and says, "Well that's great. Some a$$hole's got my pen."

Shit, That bitch stole my rectal thermometer and I'll I got was this f***ing Bic.

[ladirushfan80]

A young guy from Missouri moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

 

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

 

The kid says " Yeah. I was a salesman back in Missouri."

 

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

 

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.

 

"How many sales did you make today?"

 

The kid says "one".

 

The boss says "Just one?! Our sales people average 20 to 30 sales a day.

 

How much was the sale for?"

 

The kid says "$101,237.65".

 

The boss says "$101,237.65?" What the heck did you sell?

 

The kid says, "First, I sold him a small! fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he

said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

 

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"

 

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife and I said, Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing

[sundog]

QUOTE (ladirushfan80 @ Nov 15 2005, 07:24 AM)

A young guy from Missouri moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says " Yeah. I was a salesman back in Missouri." Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?" The kid says "one". The boss says "Just one?! Our sales people average 20 to 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid says "$101,237.65". The boss says "$101,237.65?" What the heck did you sell? The kid says, "First, I sold him a small! fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition." The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?" The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife and I said, Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing

LMAO!

 

He could work at my store anytime!

[Pags]

A Hillbilly Vasectomy

 

After having their 11th child, a North Georgia mountain couple decided 11 was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

 

So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem, but that it was expensive.

 

A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in the North Georgia mountains), light it, put it in an empty beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

 

The redneck said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the wrld, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my

ear is going to help me."

 

"Trust me," said the doctor.

 

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "One, two, three, four, five," ... at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

 

This procedure also works in Kentucky, Tennessee, Mississippi, West Virginia, Arkansas and parts of Missouri.

[Digital Man]

A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi

at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he

asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife

was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act.

For $100, the cabby agreed.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the

bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back

and there was his wife in bed with another man.

 

The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted,

"Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I

inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid

for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your season football Tickets.

He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club

membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"

 

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun.

He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"

 

The cabby said, "I'd cover his ass up with that blanket before he catches a cold."

 

[barney_rebel]

Why is Smurfette environmentally friendly?

 

She has a blue box.

[Test4VitalSigns]

How do Smurfs make babies?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

they Smuck

[Weakly Criminal]

QUOTE (ladirushfan80 @ Sep 3 2004, 05:09 AM)

1. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

Very punny! In the same spirit I submit the following:

 

Three strings are out on the town and decide to go into a bar.

 

"Wait" says the first string, "The sign says no strings allowed"

 

"That won't stop me" says the second string, and boldly strides into the bar.

 

He gets about two steps into the bar when the bouncer grabs him up, loudly prounces "No strings allowed!", and tosses him out into the street.

 

"Watch this" says the third string, (allways a prelude to disaster) "I'll get a drink yet".

 

He then proceeds to twist himself up in knots and fray out his ends really well. The third string then walks calmly into the bar, past the bouncer and up to the bar where he sits down and calmly orders a grasshopper. The bartender looks at him suspiciously and asks "Hey you sure your not a string"?

 

"Nope", says the string "fraid not"!

[Rolinda Bonz]

some daffynitions...

 

 

> 1. ARBITRATOR: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonalds

>

> 2. AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tried to do

>

> 3. BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage

>

> 4. BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with

>

> 5. CONTROL: A short, ugly inmate

>

> 6. COUNTERFEITERS: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets

> !

>

> 7. ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living

>

> 8. EYEDROPPER: A clumsy ophthalmologist

>

> 9. HEROES: What a guy in a boat does

>

> 10. LEFTBANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of

> money

>

> 11. MISTY: How golfers create divots

>

> 12. PARADOX: Two physicians

>

> 13. PARASITES: What you see from the top of the EiffelTower

>

> 14. PHARMACIST: A helper on the farm

>

> 15. POLARIZE: What penguins see with

>

> 16. PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV

>

> 17. RELIEF: What trees do in the spring

>

> 18. RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife

>

> 19. SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does

>

> 20. SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a government official

 

[Weakly Criminal]

I hope dirty lymrics are allowed.

 

There once was a queen of Bulgaria

Whose bush grew hairier and hairier

Till a prince from Peru

Who came up for a screw

Had to hunt for her c***

With a terrier

[Digital Man]

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces.

 

The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

 

Coroner tells the Inspector: "First body is a 72 Year Old Frenchman. He died of heart failure while with his mistress. Hence the enormous smile."

 

"The Second body is an Irishman, 25 years of age. He won a thousand dollars on the lottery and spent it all on Irish whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

 

The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"

 

"Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one. Ole Olsen, he's a Swede from Minnesota, 40, struck by lightning."

 

"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.

 

"Thought he was having his picture taken."

[Cygnus]

I THINK YOUR THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS

 

 

A GUY GOES TO A SUPERMARKET AND NOTICES A BEAUTIFUL BLONDE WAVE AT HIM AND SAY HELLO. HE'S RATHER TAKEN ABACK, BECAUSE HE CAN'T PLACE WHERE HE KNOWS HER FROM, SO HE SAYS "DO YOU KNOW ME?"

TO WHICH SHE REPLIES "I THINK YOUR THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS."

 

NOW HE THINKS BACK TO THE ONLY TIME HE HAS EVER BEEN UNFAITHFUL TO HIS WIFE AND SAYS, "MY GOD, ARE YOU THE STRIPPER FROM MY BACHELOR PARTY THAT I LAID ON THE POOL TABLE WITH ALL MY BUDDIES WATCHING, WHILE YOUR PARTNER WHIPPED ME WITH WET CELERY AND THEN STUCK A CARROT UP MY BUTT?".

 

SHE SAID "NO, I'M YOUR SONS MATH TEACHER."

 

[CanEHdian]

QUOTE (Cygnus @ Nov 29 2005, 03:44 PM)

I THINK YOUR THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS A GUY GOES TO A SUPERMARKET AND NOTICES A BEAUTIFUL BLONDE WAVE AT HIM AND SAY HELLO. HE'S RATHER TAKEN ABACK, BECAUSE HE CAN'T PLACE WHERE HE KNOWS HER FROM, SO HE SAYS "DO YOU KNOW ME?" TO WHICH SHE REPLIES "I THINK YOUR THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS." NOW HE THINKS BACK TO THE ONLY TIME HE HAS EVER BEEN UNFAITHFUL TO HIS WIFE AND SAYS, "MY GOD, ARE YOU THE STRIPPER FROM MY BACHELOR PARTY THAT I LAID ON THE POOL TABLE WITH ALL MY BUDDIES WATCHING, WHILE YOUR PARTNER WHIPPED ME WITH WET CELERY AND THEN STUCK A CARROT UP MY BUTT?". SHE SAID "NO, I'M YOUR SONS MATH TEACHER."

[Digital Man]

We've all heard about people having guts or balls.

But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below....

 

 

 

 

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask:

"Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

 

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say: "You're next."

 

I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject.

 

[Cygnus]

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.

 

The wife turns over and says, "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

 

The Husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep.

 

A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

[CanEHdian]

QUOTE (Cygnus @ Nov 30 2005, 02:16 PM)

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says, "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The Husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

 

[Cygnus]

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She

 

jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.

 

The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is

 

Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her

 

and proceeds down the street.

 

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up

 

again.She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.

 

Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the

 

blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some

 

of your load!"

 

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues

 

down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again.

 

All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the

 

truck door.

 

The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is

 

Heather, and you are losing some of your load.

 

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the

 

next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck,

 

and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as

 

she lowers it, he says...

 

Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in WISCONSIN and I'm driving

 

the SALT TRUCK!

 

[Daylin]

QUOTE (Cygnus @ Dec 1 2005, 10:53 AM)

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again.She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load. When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says... Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in WISCONSIN and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!

 

 

[CanEHdian]

QUOTE (Cygnus @ Dec 1 2005, 10:53 AM)

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again.She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load. When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says... Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in WISCONSIN and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!

[Drumnut]

[Alsgalpal]

a little boy was sitting with his mother at sunday services. the sermon was over and the minister began giving the final prayer. it was very quiet and all heads were bowed.

 

lord we thank you for this beautiful day and for all that you have done for us. without you we would be but dust...

 

suddenly the little boy, in a very loud voice said "MOMMIE WHAT IS BUTT DUST"

 

needless to say, the service ended.....