The Joke Thread (The Good, The Bad & The Ugly)

[barney_rebel]

How did Santa Claus die?

 

 

 

He pulled the wrong bag over his shoulder.

[Digital Man]

The NFL announced today that for financial reasons, they had to eliminate one team from the league. So they've decided to combine the Green Bay Packers and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and form one team, therefore saving jobs. They will be known as the TAMPACKS. Unfortunately, they're only good for one period and have no second string

 

[sundog]

QUOTE (Digital Man @ Sep 13 2005, 01:17 AM)

The NFL announced today that for financial reasons, they had to eliminate one team from the league. So they've decided to combine the Green Bay Packers and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and form one team, therefore saving jobs. They will be known as the TAMPACKS. Unfortunately, they're only good for one period and have no second string

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Test4VitalSigns]

A government employee sits in his office and, out of boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp. "This will look nice on my mantel," he decides, and takes it home. While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes. "I wish for an ice cold diet Pepsi." He gets his Pepsi and drinks it. Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. "I wish to be on an island where beautiful nymphomaniacs reside." Suddenly, he's on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully. He tells the genie his third and final wish, "I wish I'd never have to work ever again." Poof! He's back in his office.

[Sark]

Being a preist, many a perspective bride has come to me to ask advice on marriage. One such lady asked me, "Father, what is the church's attitude to fellatio?" To which I responded "You know I'd like to tell you, but I'm afraid I don't know what fellatio is." So she showed me! Now when any future bride ever asks what is the churched attitude to fellatio I always respond "You know I'd like to tell you, but I'm afraid I don't know what fellatio is!"

[Test4VitalSigns]

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

 

Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

 

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."

 

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him.

 

She then asked him, "How does that feel?"

 

To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

 

[sundog]

QUOTE (Test4VitalSigns @ Sep 14 2005, 05:23 AM)

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow." "Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him, "How does that feel?" To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

I wasn't expecting that!

[queenshall]

A man and his blond lady co- worker work in an office. The man needs some time off. He see's the works doctor claiming he is suffering with stress and he thinks he is a light bulb !. The doctor agree's and tells him to take some time off. He get's back to office....." The doc fell for that one !" he tells the blond " He thinks I am a light bulb !"...he picks up his coat to leave and the blond gets up to go also?..."Where are you going?" the man asks..................." I had better go with you!"say's the blond........."Why?"the man asks.............................She replies " I CAN't WORK IN THE DARK !"

[Cygnus]

HOW TO SAY 'I LOVE YOU' IN DIFFERENT LANGUAGES:

 

English ..... I Love You

 

Spanish .... Te Amo

 

French ...... Je T'aime

 

German .... Ich Liebe Dich

 

Japanese .. Ai Shite Imasu

 

Italian ....... Ti Amo

 

Chinese .... Wo Ai Ni

 

Swedish ... Jag Alskar Dig

 

Eskimo ..... Nagligivaget

 

Greek ....... S'Agapo

 

Redneck......Nice Tits

 

 

[Cygnus]

A man doing telephone solicitations for a local charity called up a prominent and wealthy lawyer and asked him for a modest donation. The lawyer became incensed at the request and said to his caller: "I bet you weren't aware that just this past week my wife required major surgery and the expenses for this surgery weren't covered by insurance."

 

The caller started to apologize and express his regret for having asked for money and was interrupted by the lawyer who chimed in, "And this past month my mother died and my family had to put together an expensive funeral for her."

 

Again the caller tried to apologize to the lawyer for attempting to solicit a donation and told the lawyer he was sorry to hear that his mother had died.

 

"Then just this past month, one of my sons came down with a serious illness and almost died.....and my daughter needed plastic surgery to repair a congenital defect on her face," the lawyer added to the conversation.

 

The caller again felt bad and regretted having bothered the lawyer for taking up his time and apologized to him.

 

The lawyer than reponded, "And if I didn't give any of these people my money, why should I give some to you."

[CanEHdian]

QUOTE (Cygnus @ Sep 14 2005, 09:21 AM)

HOW TO SAY 'I LOVE YOU' IN DIFFERENT LANGUAGES: English ..... I Love You Spanish .... Te Amo French ...... Je T'aime German .... Ich Liebe Dich Japanese .. Ai Shite Imasu Italian ....... Ti Amo Chinese .... Wo Ai Ni Swedish ... Jag Alskar Dig Eskimo ..... Nagligivaget Greek ....... S'Agapo Redneck......Nice Tits

 

[CanEHdian]

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

 

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

 

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

 

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

 

[CanEHdian]

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's clinic. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

 

He said, 'Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die.'

 

'Each morning, give him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch and dinner make him a nutritious meal. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly... make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 6 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.'

 

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, 'What did the doctor say?'

 

'You're going to die,' she replied.

 

[Test4VitalSigns]

Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk...

 

a) Innovative

b Preliminary

c) Proliferation

d) Cinnamon

 

Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk...

 

a) Specificity

b British Constitution

c) Passive-aggressive disorder

d) Transubstantiate

 

Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk...

 

a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.

b Nope, no more booze for me.

c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.

d) No kebab for me, thank you.

e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?

f) I'm not interested in fighting you.

g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.

h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.

i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.

j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.

Edited September 15, 2005 by Test4VitalSigns

[Test4VitalSigns]

A nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body goes first?"

 

Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."

 

"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"

 

Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."

 

"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

 

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your legs."

 

She looked at him with confusion. "Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?"

 

"Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, 'Oh God, I'm coming!' If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."

 

 

[Sark]

An eighty year old woman wins the lottery. Not wanting to take a chance on shocking her with the news, her children asked her doctor if he would tell her. On his house call to the woman, he casually asks "If you won 10 million dollars, what would you do with it?" The woman told him "Well, since you've been such a nice man and such a good doctor, I'd probably give half of it to you." The doctor promptly died of shock.

[CanEHdian]

QUOTE (Test4VitalSigns @ Sep 15 2005, 12:43 AM)

A nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body goes first?" Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands." "Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?" Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first." "What a wonderful answer!" the nun said. Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your legs." She looked at him with confusion. "Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?" "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, 'Oh God, I'm coming!' If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."

[CanEHdian]

Social Security

 

A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security.

 

The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later." The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed his Social Security application.

 

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."

 

 

[Digital Man]

>When I born, I black,

>when I grow up, I black,

>when I go in sun, I black,

>when I cold, I black,

>when I scared, I black,

>when I sick, I black,

>and when I die, I still black.

>

>You white folks...

>when you born, you pink,

>when you grow up, you white,

>when you go in sun, you red,

>when you cold, you blue,

>when you scared, you yellow,

>when you sick, you green,

>when you bruised, you purple,

>and when you die, you gray.

>So who you callin'colored'folks ???

[Test4VitalSigns]

You Know You're Getting Old When

 

 

Your best friend is dating someone half their age, and isn't breaking any laws.

 

You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

 

You can live without sex, but not without glasses.

 

Your back goes out more than you do.

 

You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

 

You're proud of your lawn mower.

Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

 

"Getting a little action" means you don't need to take a laxative.

 

You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

 

Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

 

It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.

 

You're asleep, but others worry you're dead.

 

You give up all your bad habits and you still don't feel good.

 

You sing along with the elevator music.

 

You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

 

You learn where your prostrate is.

 

People call at 9:00 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"

 

You answer questions with, "Because I said so!"

 

You know what the word "equity" means.

 

Your childhood toys are now in a museum.

 

You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch TV.

 

Your ears are hairier than your head.

 

You and your teeth don't sleep together.

 

Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.

 

You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.

 

You got cable for the weather channel.

 

You can go bowling without drinking.

 

Your top three favorite pastimes involve sleep.

 

The fire department is asked to attend your birthday party in case the candles on your cake get out of hand.

 

Medicare says you're too old for their coverage.

 

You can't be tried by a jury of your peers because there are none.

 

It takes two tries to get up from the couch.

 

There's nothing left to learn the hard way.

 

Everyone is happy to give you a ride because they don't want you behind the wheel.

 

Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.

 

Your new easy chair has more options than your car.

 

You don't remember when your wild oats turned to shredded wheat.

 

You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

 

Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D.

 

You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't remember being on top of it.

 

 

A passing funeral procession pauses to see if you need a lift.

 

Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.

 

Your knees buckle and your belt won't.

 

You are often asked to give a personal account of the story of creation.

 

You wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.

 

You don't care where your wife goes, just so you don't have to go along.

 

The clothes you've put away until they come back in style have come back in style.

 

The pharmacist has become your new best friend.

 

Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.

 

Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.

 

You're 17 around the neck, 42 around the waist, and 95 around the golf course.

 

The twinkle in your eye is only the reflection of the sun on your bifocals.

 

It takes twice as long to look half as good.

 

Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

Edited September 18, 2005 by Test4VitalSigns

[Trance]

[ladirushfan80]

A blonde was sitting on the train reading the

newspaper.

 

The headline blared, "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed."

 

She shook her head at the sad news, then turned to the

stranger sitting next to her and asked, "How many is

a Brazilian?"

 

[The Notorious B.S.G.]

Football FINALLY makes sense.......... A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

 

 

 

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

 

 

 

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

 

 

 

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!

 

 

 

[DonnaWanna]

An Irishman

 

An Irishman was drinking at the pub all night.

The bartender came up to him and told him that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face.

He tried to stand up one more time with the same result. So he figured he'd just crawl outside, hang out for a while, get some fresh air and hopefully that would sober him up.

Once outside he stood up and fell again right on his face.

So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrived at the door he tried one more time with the same results.

Exhausted, he then gave up and started crawling to the bedroom.

When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.

This time he managed to pull himself upright but he quickly fell right into the bed and fell sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

The next morning, he woke up with his wife standing over him shouting at him.

"So, you've been out drinking again!!"

"What makes you say that?" He asked as he put on an innocent look.

"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."

 

[DonnaWanna]

To rob a Bank

 

A blonde and a brunette decided to rob a bank. They quickly devised a good plan and they put their plan to action. The brunette drove up to the front of the bank that they had decided to rob. She turned to the blonde and asked her, "Now, do you remember what the plan is?" The blonde sighed and replied, "Yeah, yeah, I remember..." The brunette went over the plan once more and let the blonde out to do her stuff. Before the blonde could shut the door, the brunette yelled out, "Be sure to be in and out in no more than 5 minutes!" The blonde ran inside and the brunette waited in the car... and waited... and waited... and waited... and waited. After waiting for so long in the car, the blonde bursts out of the bank's doors, the alarm blaring loud enough to wake everyone up. The blonde was lugging a bank safe behind her by a rope tied around it. A security guard ran out of the bank, his pants down around his ankles and attempting to reach his gun. The blonde breathed heavily as she tried to put the safe in the car but finally just gave up and dropped the safe behind. She ran into the passenger seat and pulled the door shut, the car already moving. The security guard yelled, "Stop! Stop!" while the pair drove off, leaving the safe with rope tied tightly around it behind. The brunette frantically asked the blonde, "What the hell happened in there?!?" The blonde was panting and turned to the brunette and choked out, "What do you mean? I followed the plan exactly!" The brunette paused and yelled, "YOU IDIOT! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO TIE UP THE GUARD AND BLOW THE SAFE!"