The Joke Thread (The Good, The Bad & The Ugly)

[madra sneachta]

http://www.engrish.com/image/engrish/titan-uranus.jpg

[madra sneachta]

http://www.engrish.com/image/engrish/coolpis.jpg

[madra sneachta]

http://www.engrish.com/image/engrish/myfannie.jpg

[madra sneachta]

http://www.engrish.com/image/engrish/horny.jpg

[madra sneachta]

I could post these all night, but why not just go here and enjoy them for yourself

[The Notorious B.S.G.]

Hmm...................... looks like somebody set up us the bomb!

[The Notorious B.S.G.]

Life in Florida........................... ain'nit just GRAND?

____________________________

 

Remember the guy who hated snow & kept a diary....... well now, I think he moved to Florida!

 

April 30th: Dear diary:

Florida is fantastic! Just got here and love it already. Now this is a state that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! Watched the sunset from a park lying on a blanket. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.

 

May 14th:

Really heating up. Got to 89 today. Not a problem, I live in an air-conditioned home and drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a real sun worshiper.

 

June 5th:

Had the backyard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing for me. NO MORE SHOVELING SNOW EITHER! Another scorcher today but I love it here.

 

July 1st:

The temperature hasn't been below 90 all week, not even at night. Where are those ocean breezes we heard about; still seems hot. Getting used to it - will take a while, I guess. I sure miss my LP collection, though I'll have to remember not to leave anything made out of plastic in my car. Got one of those fuzzy steering wheel covers, cheaper than the burn ointment for my hands. I always

wondered what burnt flesh smelled like.

 

July 15th:

Fell asleep by the pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.) Missed two days of work, what a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though: got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

 

July 20th:

I miss our cat, Tabby. He snuck into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got out to the hot car for lunch, he'd swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and just as I opened the door, he exploded all over $2,000 worth of leather upholstery. I told the kids he ran away. The car now smells like Kibble and poop. No more pets in this heat!

 

July 25th:

Ocean breezes, my ass. Hot is hot! The home air conditioner is on the fritz and AC repairman charged $20 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts. Only hope for a break in the heat would be a hurricane.

 

July 30th:

Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. Swatting the swamp mosquitoes that are as big as B-52's ; $1,500 in darn house payments and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?

 

Aug 4th:

100 degrees. Finally got the air conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to about 90. The electric bill is almost as much as the house payment. And two old lady drivers almost ran me off the road. I hate this state.

 

Aug 8th:

If another wise jerk cracks, "Hot enough for you today?" I'm going to tear his head off. Damn heat! By the time I get to work, the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like roasted Garfield!!

 

Aug 10th:

The weather report might as well be a damn recording: Hot and sunny. It's been too hot for two months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. And whoever came up with the statement, "it may be hot, but at least you don't have to shovel it" should die from heat exhaustion. Doesn't it ever rain in this God-forsaken place??

 

Aug 14th:

Welcome to Hell!!! Temperature got to 102 today. Forgot to crack the window and blew the windshield out of the Lincoln. The installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?". My wife had to spend the $1,500 house payment to bail me out of jail.

 

Aug 30th:

Worst day of the summer. I'm not leaving the house. The monsoon rains finally came and all they did is to make it muggier than hell and drove the damned roaches out of the ground. Wasn't aware they could fly! The Lincoln is now floating somewhere in the Caribbean with its new $500 windshield. That does it, we're moving back to New York where all you have to worry about is getting mugged.

 

I hope this state breaks in half and floats to Cuba.

 

[The Notorious B.S.G.]

For you, Madra:

 

_________________________________

 

Stranded Irishman.

 

One day an Irishman who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's certainly not

a ship." And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat and even a raft.

 

Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black-clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

 

The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

 

"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.

 

With that, she reached over and unzipped! a waterproofed pocket on the left sleeve or her wetsuit, and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes

one, lights it, and takes a long drag.

 

"Faith and begorrah," said the man, "that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

 

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Irish whiskey?" asked the blonde. Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."

 

Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve, unzips a pocket and removes a flask and hands it to him. He opened it and took a long drink. "'Tis nectar of the Gods!" stated the Irishman.

 

"'Tis truly fantastic!!!"

 

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"

 

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!!!!"

 

[sullysue]

That's great BSG. It sounds a lot like Texas!

 

 

 

 

Bud and Jim are a couple of drinking buddies who work as airplane mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport is fogged in and they're stuck in the hanger with nothing to do.

Bud says, "Man, I wish we had something to drink."

Jim says, "Me, too. Y'know, I heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?"

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed.

The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact, he feels great no hangover. No bad side effects. Nothing. Then the phone rings. It's Jim.

Jim: "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"

Bud: "Great!"

Jim: "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"

Bud: "No, that jet fuel is great stuff, no hangovers, nothing. We oughta do this more often."

Jim: "Yeah, well, there's just one thing...."

Bud: "What's that?"

Jim: "Have you farted yet?"

Bud: "No."

Jim: "Well, don't, 'cause I'm in Phoenix."

 

[The Notorious B.S.G.]

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to a beautiful, you guessed it, blonde.

 

The blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."

 

Never-the-less, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, unable to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

 

[The Notorious B.S.G.]

GEOGRAPHY OF WOMEN:

 

 

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa,

 

Half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile soil.

 

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like America,

 

Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.

 

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India,

 

Very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

 

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France,

 

Gently aging but still warm and a desirable place to visit.

 

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain,

 

With a glorious and all conquering past.

 

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Yugoslavia,

 

Lost the war and haunted by past mistakes.

 

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Russia,

 

Very wide and borders are now unpatrolled.

 

After 70, she becomes Tibet.

 

Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages.... only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.

 

GEOGRAPHY OF MEN

 

Between 1 and 70, a man is like Iraq before 2003 -

Ruled by a dick.

 

[The Notorious B.S.G.]

.... SOME THINGS ARE BETTER LEFT ALONE !!!

 

Texas A&M News Update

July 2005

 

Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a

bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.

 

At a news conference, after announcing the invention, a large group of men

took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked his ass.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Midway Hawker]

QUOTE (BSG @ Aug 17 2005, 12:35 PM)

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to a beautiful, you guessed it, blonde. The blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls." Never-the-less, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, unable to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

 

.. or as much as Moby Dick...

 

 

[Mr. Wiggles]

You ask:Wanna hear a dirty joke?

They are supposed to say: Sure

You say:I rolled in mud.

You say: Wanna hear a clean Joke?

They say:sure

You say:I took a bath with bubbles

You say:Wanna hear another dirty joke?

They say:sure..

You say:Bubbles is the girl next door.

 

[madra sneachta]

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qanta's pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

 

(P= The problem logged by the pilot.) (S= The solution and action taken by mechanics.)

 

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

 

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

 

P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.

 

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.

 

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

 

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

 

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

 

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what they're for.

 

P: IFF inoperative.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

 

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.

 

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

 

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

 

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

 

P: Mouse in cockpit. (This one's great, too!)

S: Cat installed.

 

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget.

 

[sundog]

QUOTE (madra sneachta @ Aug 17 2005, 06:21 PM)

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qanta's pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident. (P= The problem logged by the pilot.) (S= The solution and action taken by mechanics.) P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tire. P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. P: Something loose in cockpit. S: Something tightened in cockpit. P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on back-order. P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed. P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level. P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what they're for. P: IFF inoperative. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you're right. P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search. P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!) S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious. P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. P: Mouse in cockpit. (This one's great, too!) S: Cat installed. P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from midget.

OMG Madra - these are so funny

I was Laughing out loud!

[Rolinda Bonz]

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

 

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

 

The folks at the third house hand him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

 

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, closed it behind him, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate sex he had ever experienced.

 

When they were done, they met downstairs. There she fixed him a giant breakfast with eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffe. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

 

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

 

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.'"

 

 

The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

 

[barney_rebel]

[sundog]

ROLLING THE DICE

 

 

 

It's 8:00 AM at a gambling casino. Two bored dealers are waiting around for someone to walk up and try their luck at the craps table. A very attractive lady comes in and wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. The dealers agree.

 

She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm bottomless."

 

With that she strips naked from the waist down, and rolls the dice while yelling, "Momma needs a new pair of pants!"

 

She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers. "YES! I WIN! I WIN!"

 

With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves. The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?"

 

The other answers, "I don't know. I thought YOU were watching the dice!"

 

[sundog]

A WEE BIT OF TROUBLE

 

 

 

Angus Broon of Glasgow comes to the little lady of the house exclaiming, "Maggie, cud ya be sewin on a wee button that's come off of me fly? I canna button me pants. "

 

"Oh Angus ... I've got me hands in the dishpan, go up the stairs and see if Mrs. MacDonald could be helpin ya with it."

 

About 5 minutes later there's a terrible crash, a bang, a bit of yelling and the sound of a body falling doon the stairs.

 

Walking back in the door with a blackend eye and a bloody nose comes Angus. The little lady looks at him and says, "My god, what happened to ya? Did you ask her like I told you?"

 

"Aye," says Angus. "I asked her to sew on the wee button an she did. Everything was goin fine but when she bent doon to bite off the wee thread, Mr. MacDonald walked in... "

 

 

[Rolinda Bonz]

sundog!

[CanEHdian]

Here's a joke I got in an email today

 

TOILET PAPER MIRACLE

 

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining

to her husband that her breasts are too small. Instead of telling her it's not so, the husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

 

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper

and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds. "Willing to try anything", the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.

 

"How long will this take?", she asks.

 

"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

 

The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between

my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"

 

"Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

 

 

He's alive . .and with physical therapy, may even walk again.

 

 

 

The last line is the best!

 

[Digital Man]

One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" One man replied, "We don't have any money for food. We have to eat grass." "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you" the lawyer said. "But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree" "Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also." The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!" "Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; The grass is almost a foot high."

[Oberon]

http://users3.ev1.net/~rootstudio/fyadhaus...fanhoochies.swf

 

I don't get it either.

[Drumnut]

QUOTE (Oberon @ Aug 21 2005, 10:51 PM)

http://users3.ev1.net/~rootstudio/fyadhaus...fanhoochies.swf I don't get it either.

I don't get it either!?