The Joke Thread (The Good, The Bad & The Ugly)

[sullysue]

President Bush and Rumsfeld are sitting in a bar.

A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Rumsfeld sitting over there?"

 

The bartender says, "Yep, that's them."

 

So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor! . What are you guys doing in here?"

 

Bush says, "We're planning WW III."

 

And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

 

Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big t*ts."

 

The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big t*ts? Why kill a blonde with big t*ts?"

 

Bush turns to Rumsfeld and says, "See, I told you no one CARES about the 140 million Muslims".

 

 

 

 

[1-0-0-1-0-0-1]

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money. The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.

 

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.

 

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.

 

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her. Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.

 

Men are like that, you know.

[RushRevisited]

[sullysue]

QUOTE (1-0-0-1-0-0-1 @ Jul 16 2005, 02:05 PM)

Men are like that, you know.

Yes, I do.

 

Good one, though.

Edited July 16, 2005 by sullysue

[1-0-0-1-0-0-1]

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

[Trance]

QUOTE (1-0-0-1-0-0-1 @ Jul 16 2005, 04:20 PM)

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

The funny thing is, is that will probably be true

 

 

 

And I will be one of the ones in the healthcare profession taking care of them

[Alsgalpal]

QUOTE (Trance @ Jul 16 2005, 04:53 PM)

QUOTE (1-0-0-1-0-0-1 @ Jul 16 2005, 04:20 PM) There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no                                                                          recollection of what to do with them. The funny thing is, is that will probably be true       And I will be one of the ones in the healthcare profession taking care of them

[Cygnus]

An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two U.S. government officials sent to interview him.

"Chief Two Eagles" asked one official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

The chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women did all the work, medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex."

Then the chief leaned back and smiled, "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.

[Dweezil]

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

 

Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

 

The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left breast and screams, then she pushes her elbow and screams in even more agony. She pushes her knee and screams; likewise she pushes her

ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.

 

The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

 

Well, no" she says, "I'm actually a blonde."

 

"I thought so," the doctor says.

 

"Your finger is broken."

 

[GhostGirl]

QUOTE (dweezil @ Jul 21 2005, 01:07 PM)

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me." The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left breast and screams, then she pushes her elbow and screams in even more agony. She pushes her knee and screams; likewise she pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream. The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you? Well, no" she says, "I'm actually a blonde." "I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."

[Oberon]

http://www.toothpastefordinner.com/071205/i-am-your-dad.gif

[Oberon]

http://www.toothpastefordinner.com/022703/gang-sines.gif

[Digital Man]

QUOTE (Oberon @ Jul 21 2005, 12:24 PM)

http://www.toothpastefordinner.com/022703/gang-sines.gif

[kazzman]

There's a small town with a catholic church and a synagog. A presbertyrian church is built into the town and they put up a sign that says "Jesus Saves." Next thing the priest and rabbi know, everybody's going to the presbyrtiran church. The rabbi says to the priest "how am I gonna get people back to the synagog?" A couple days later the rabbi puts up a sign that says "Moses Invests." Now everybody is either going to the pesbertyrian church or the synagog. The priest goes "how am I gonna get people back to the church?" The next day the priest puts up a big sign saying "BINGO."

[Digital Man]

Why is divorce so expensive?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Because it's worth it.

 

 

 

 

[Oberon]

QUOTE (Digital Man @ Jul 21 2005, 03:25 PM)

QUOTE (Oberon @ Jul 21 2005, 12:24 PM) http://www.toothpastefordinner.com/022703/gang-sines.gif There are thousands more of those on the guy's website:   www.toothpastefordinner.com   http://www.toothpastefordinner.com/071805/god-in-herre.gif

[Test4VitalSigns]

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have

dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the

girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would

like to go out and make love for the first time.

 

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so

he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The

pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy

everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

 

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms

he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy

insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather

busy, it being his first time and all.

 

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and

meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to

meet my parents, come on in!"

 

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the

girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace

and bows his head.

 

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his

head down.

 

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

 

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend

leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you

were this religious."

 

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was

a pharmacist."

 

[Alsgalpal]

QUOTE (Test4VitalSigns @ Jul 25 2005, 03:05 AM)

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

[Cygnus]

Once upon a time there was a very large office building in a very large city. This building had 40 levels: level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40.

 

One day the owner of the building decided to get a PA system installed on every level, in case there was ever a fire and everyone in the building needed to be contacted at once. The system was installed on every level: level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40.

 

One day, an employee named John was doing some paperwork on the 21st level when he saw the pager for the PA system in his boss's office. He could not resist. He picked up the pager, turned it on, cleared his throat, and told a joke. It was funniest joke anyone in the building had ever heard. They were rolling in the aisles, laughing their heads off. The accountants on level 3 were in tears. The engineers on level 34 were in hysterics. In fact, workers on every level -- level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40 -- could not stop laughing.

 

He walked out the door of his boss's office, feeling all proud of himself, when who should he run into but his boss. "John, come with me now!" John relunctantly followed his boss back into his office. His boss looked at him with fury in his eyes. "John," he said, "your joke was very disruptive to the workers in this building! Productivity was decreased on level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40! You're fired! Clean out your desk and get out!"

 

But then his frown softened and he added, "Still, I have to admit, that joke was funny on so many levels."

[Alsgalpal]

QUOTE (Cygnus @ Jul 25 2005, 02:04 PM)

Once upon a time there was a very large office building in a very large city. This building had 40 levels: level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40. One day the owner of the building decided to get a PA system installed on every level, in case there was ever a fire and everyone in the building needed to be contacted at once. The system was installed on every level: level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40. One day, an employee named John was doing some paperwork on the 21st level when he saw the pager for the PA system in his boss's office. He could not resist. He picked up the pager, turned it on, cleared his throat, and told a joke. It was funniest joke anyone in the building had ever heard. They were rolling in the aisles, laughing their heads off. The accountants on level 3 were in tears. The engineers on level 34 were in hysterics. In fact, workers on every level -- level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40 -- could not stop laughing. He walked out the door of his boss's office, feeling all proud of himself, when who should he run into but his boss. "John, come with me now!" John relunctantly followed his boss back into his office. His boss looked at him with fury in his eyes. "John," he said, "your joke was very disruptive to the workers in this building! Productivity was decreased on level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40! You're fired! Clean out your desk and get out!" But then his frown softened and he added, "Still, I have to admit, that joke was funny on so many levels."

Cute one!!!

[sullysue]

My MOM sent me this.

 

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?

 

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."

 

"Onions?"

 

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

 

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"

 

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

 

"A Christmas tree?"

 

"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."

[esmeralda]

QUOTE (sullysue @ Jul 27 2005, 03:16 PM)

My MOM sent me this. A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there? The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions?" "Yes, you see them and they make you cry." This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" "Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."

 

 

Cool mom you got!

[sullysue]

Another one from my mom. Long, but hillarious. All of the TRF'ers from the Southern States will laugh their butts off!

 

 

INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER

 

Notes from an inexperienced Chili Tester named FRANK, who had moved to

Texas from the East Coast:

"Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off.

The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to

be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer

wagon, when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (native

Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told

me I could have free beer during the tasting. So I accepted."

Here are the scorecards for the event:

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

CHILI #1: MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI

JUDGE #1: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE #2: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy Cow, what the heck is this stuff? You could remove dried

paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I

hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

CHILI #2: ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

JUDGE #1: Smokey, with a hint of port. Slight Jalapeno-tang.

JUDGE #2: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I am

supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted

to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when

they saw the look on my face.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

CHILI #3: FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

JUDGE #1: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE #2: A beamless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I

have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me

more beer before I ignite. Bar maid pounded me on the back; now my back

bone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting drunk from all the

beer.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

CHILI #4: BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

JUDGE #1: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE #2: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or

other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to

taste it. Is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the bar maid,

was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 pound woman is

starting to look GOOD just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili

an aphrodisiac?

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

CHILI #5: LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

JUDGE #1: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding

considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE #2: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit

the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no

longer focus my eyes. I broke wind and four people behind me needed

paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her

chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by

pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my

lips off? It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop

screaming, those rednecks.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

CHILI #6: VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

JUDGE #1: Thin, yet bold, vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of

spice and peppers.

JUDGE #2: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions , and garlic.

Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,

sulfuric flames. I soiled myself when I broke wind and I'm worried it

will eat through the chair. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe

my butt with a snow cone!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

CHILI #7: SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

JUDGE #1: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE #2: Ho hum. Tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of

chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried

about Judge Number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress as he is

cursing uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't

feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it

is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid

unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like excrement to

match my shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me.

I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Heck with it, I'm not

getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through

the 4 inch hole in my stomach.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

CHILI #8: BILLY BOB'S SMOKIN BLAST CHILI

JUDGE #1: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Safe for all.

Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE #2: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild or

hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 passed out,

fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if

he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a

really hot chili?

[physics23]

This joke needs some work, but here's the prototype:

 

 

 

What are Neil Peart's favorite drums?

 

Conundrums.

 

 

 

Ok, pretty inane. If you have any ideas, be my guest.

[Digital Man]