The Joke Thread (The Good, The Bad & The Ugly)

[Alsgalpal]

Edited May 24, 2005 by Alsgalpal

[kazzman]

Theres this little boy and he's curious about everything.

 

One day he hears his parents fighting.

"You bitch!"

You bastard!"

The boy walks in. "Mommy, daddy, what's those words mean?"

"Thats men and women honey".

 

The next day he hears his parents having sex.

"Your dick!"

"Your boobs!"

"Mommy, daddy, what's those wordds mean?"

"They're hats and coats honey".

 

The next day his father is in the bathroom shaving his face and he cuts himself. "Shit!"

"Daddy whats that word mean?"

"That's the shaving cream I'm using".

 

The boy walks to the kitchen where his mother is stuffing the turkey for Thanksgiving Dinner and her hand gets stuck.

"F*ck!"

"Mommy what's that word mean?"

"It's the stuffing I"m using."

 

The doorbell rings. It's the guests for dinner. The little boy answers the door. "Hi all you bitches and bastards. Hang your dicks and boobs on the hat rack to your right. Daddy's in the bathroom shaving the shit off his face and mommy's in the kitchen f***ing the turkey."

[Arndrake]

This one is fairly lame. A co-worker was trying to be funny and it kind of failed.

 

It seems everybody has been spelling the name of the Great White North wrong. Apparently it's just supposed to be CND, but because our northerly neighbors have this weird habit of saying 'eh' all the time.... well, you get the idea.

[Tom Sawyer]

A cowboy is riding across the plains of the old west, when he is captured by Indians. The tribe puts him on trial for crimes against the Indian Nation, and he is found guilty. "You have been sentenced to death," said the Chief, "but, as is our custom, you have three wishes to make as your last requests."

 

The cowboy thought for a minute and said, "Well, for my first wish, I'll need my horse." "Give him his horse," said the Chief. The cowboy whispered something into the horses ear, and the horse took off like a shot across the prairie. Then the chief showed the cowboy to his teepee, the cowboy went inside, Twenty minutes later, the horse returned with a beautiful blonde woman on it's back. The cowboy looked at this, shrugged his shoulders, and helped the young lady off the horse. He then took her into his teepee.

 

The very next morning --

"Second wish," said the Chief. "I'll need my horse again," said the cowboy. "Give him his horse," said the Chief. Once again, the cowboy whispered into the horse's ear, and once again the horse rode off over the prairie. Thirty minutes later, the horse returned with a beautiful red-head on it's back. The cowboy looked up and shrugged, helped the young lady off the horse, and went into his teepee; same as before.

 

The very next morning --

"This is your last wish," said the Chief, " make it a good one." "I'll need my horse again." The chief can't believe it, " typical white man, has one last wish before he dies, has only one thing on his mind still, give him his horse," said the Chief. The cowboy grabbed each side of the horse's head, and put his face right up to the horse's.

 

"READ MY LIPS - I SAID POSSE - P-O-S-S-E !"

 

[Slaine mac Roth]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding through the desert when they are suddenly surrounded by 10,000 Navaho on the war path.

 

The Lone Ranger turns to Tonto and says, "Well Tonto, looks like we've had it this time."

 

Tonto looks at the war party, then looks at The Lone Ranger, saying "Screw you Paleface."

[DonnaWanna]

Married Mans Harley

 

http://img90.echo.cx/img90/1688/image00111122224xv.jpg

[Cygnus]

A man goes to the doctor with a swollen leg. After a careful examination, the doctor gives the man a pill big enough to choke a horse.

 

"I'll be right back with some water," the doctor tells him.

 

The doctor has been gone a while and the man loses patience. He hobbles out to the drinking fountain, forces the pill down his throat and gobbles down water until the pill clears his throat. He hobbles back into the examining room.

 

The doctor comes back with a bucket of warm water. "Ok, after the tablet dissolves, you should soak that leg for at least 30 minutes."

[sundog]

QUOTE (Cygnus @ Jun 2 2005, 07:24 PM)

A man goes to the doctor with a swollen leg. After a careful examination, the doctor gives the man a pill big enough to choke a horse. "I'll be right back with some water," the doctor tells him. The doctor has been gone a while and the man loses patience. He hobbles out to the drinking fountain, forces the pill down his throat and gobbles down water until the pill clears his throat. He hobbles back into the examining room. The doctor comes back with a bucket of warm water. "Ok, after the tablet dissolves, you should soak that leg for at least 30 minutes."

D'oh!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[sundog]

Secrets of a happy marriage

 

 

A couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.

 

 

So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back." Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife. "I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer."

 

 

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

 

 

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop.... but at the bar..you know... they have frozen glasses... " He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

 

 

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise...OK?" "You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven and took out

5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and pork strips.

 

 

"But my sweet honey...at the bar....you know, there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."

 

 

 

 

 

"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? "LISTEN UP DICKHEAD! SIT DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR DAMN BEER IN YOUR DAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR FRICKING HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A FRICKING BAR! THAT SHIT IS OVER...GOT IT, ASSHOLE?"

 

 

[sundog]

Dear Abby,

 

My husband is not happy with my mood swings. The

other day, he bought me a mood ring so he would be

able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood it

turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big

friging red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time

the a**hole will buy me a diamond.

 

Sincerely,

 

Bitchy in Boston

 

 

[sundog]

During class, a teacher was trying to teach good manners.

 

The teacher asks the students: "Michael, if you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady, how would you tell he r that you have to go to the bathroom?"

 

"Just a minute, I have to go piss."

 

" That would be rude and impolite!!! What about you John, how would you say it?"

 

" I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."

 

" That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the table. And you Peter, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?"

 

" I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment, I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after supper."

 

 

 

 

 

[sundog]

A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000 milestone money.

The million-dollar question was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it:

 

A) the condor;

 

the buzzard;

 

C) the cuckoo; or

 

D) the vulture?"

 

She did not know the answer. She was doubly on the spot because she had used her 50/50 and Ask-the-Audience lifelines. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline. She hoped against hope that she would not have to use it because the only friend that she knew would be home was a blonde. She had no alternative. She called her friend and told her the question and the four choices.

 

The blonde responded unhesitatingly, "That's easy. The answer is C: The cuckoo."

 

The contestant had to decide. She considered a reverse strategy of giving Regis any answer except the one her friend gave her. Considering that her friend was a blonde, that would seem logical. On the other hand-the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.

 

Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo."

 

"Is that your final answer?" asked Regis.

 

"Yes, that is my final answer."

 

Two seconds later, Regis said, "I regret to inform you that answer is ..absolutely correct. You are now a millionaire!"

 

Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who helped her win the million dollars.

 

"Jenny, I do not know how to thank you," said the contestant. "Because you knew the answer to that final question, I am now a millionaire. How did you happen to know the right answer?"

 

"Oh, come on!" said the blonde. "Everybody knows cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks."

 

 

[sundog]

>> >Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching

>> Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town.

>> They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at

>> the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, "Before we order,

>> could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce

>> where we are...very slowly?" The blonde leaned over the counter and said,

>> "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing."

 

[Test4VitalSigns]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v300/test4vitalsigns/Daj_SomeAsss.gif

[sundog]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v111/sundog918/Nature41.jpg

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Rolinda Bonz]

QUOTE (sundog @ Jun 11 2005, 05:50 PM)

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v111/sundog918/Nature41.jpg

my kinda desert!

 

Seerious! That looks like the Sonoran Desert around Phoenix (with a touch of Photoshop ) I wonder if it was taken in the Superstition Mountains. The tall cacti are Saguaro (sah-WAR-oh) and the fuzzy looking touch-me-not at the bottom is Cholla (choy-uh) That's by far the happiest Saguaro I ever did see.

[sundog]

QUOTE (Rolinda Bonz @ Jun 11 2005, 08:18 PM)

QUOTE (sundog @ Jun 11 2005, 05:50 PM) http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v111/sundog918/Nature41.jpg my kinda desert!   Seerious! That looks like the Sonoran Desert around Phoenix (with a touch of Photoshop ) I wonder if it was taken in the Superstition Mountains. The tall cacti are Saguaro (sah-WAR-oh) and the fuzzy looking touch-me-not at the bottom is Cholla (choy-uh) That's by far the happiest Saguaro I ever did see.   Thanks for the lessons.... I never knew there was a difference in cactii - makes sense though.   I have more of these pics.....   I haven't laughed that hard is soooooo long!

Edited June 12, 2005 by sundog

[Arndrake]

Well, hopefully no one is offended by this one.

 

Two old ladies, Gertrude and Petunia, are exploring the Southwest Desert. At an old gas station, they are told they should check out the Indian Reservation. When they arrive at the trading post, they notice one Indian has one feather in his headband, while another has four.

 

Gertrude goes up to the Indian and asks him what the feathers are for.

 

The Indian tells her, "Each feather is for each squaw I f**k."

 

Gertrude covers her ears and goes running back to Petunia. When Petunia asks, Gertrude tells her, but Petunia doesn't believe it.

 

So they drive further and stop at the main town on the reservation where the Indian chief is sitting, wearing a long headress with feathers lined up and down it. Gertrude Tells Petunia to go ask the chief what all his feathers are for. So Petunia goes up to the chief and asks him.

 

The chief replies, "Each feather is for each squaw I f**k."

 

Petunia says, "Oh, that can't be true!"

 

The chief replies, "Yes, this town, next town, the whole reservation."

 

Petunia says, "Oh, you are hostile!"

 

The chief replies, "Hoss style? Yes, hoss style, dog style, any style."

 

Petunia says, "Oh, you should be hung!"

 

The chief replies, "Hung? Yes, hung like buffalo."

 

Petunia says, "Oh, dear!"

 

The chief replies, "Deer? No, not deer. Tail too high, run too fast."

[sundog]

cute

[The Notorious B.S.G.]

Men in a nutshell............. (for those who were wondering):

 

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v411/bsg2112/maninanutshell.jpg

[Cygnus]

An elderly couple go to their doctor for a checkup. The man goes in first. "How're you doing?" asks the doctor. "Pretty good," answers the old man. "I'm eating well, and I'm still in control of my bowels and bladder. In fact, when I get up at night to pee, the good Lord turns the light on for me."

 

The doctor decides not to comment on that last statement, and goes into the next room to check on the man's wife. "How're you feeling?" he asks. "I'm doing well," answers the old woman. "I still have lots of energy and I'm not feeling any pain." The doctor says, "That's nice. It sounds like you and your husband are both doing well.

 

One thing though - your husband said that when he gets up to pee at night, the good Lord turns the light on for him. Do you have any idea what he means?" "Oh No," says the woman, "He's peeing in the refrigerator again."

 

[sundog]

QUOTE (Cygnus @ Jun 17 2005, 09:20 AM)

An elderly couple go to their doctor for a checkup. The man goes in first. "How're you doing?" asks the doctor. "Pretty good," answers the old man. "I'm eating well, and I'm still in control of my bowels and bladder. In fact, when I get up at night to pee, the good Lord turns the light on for me." The doctor decides not to comment on that last statement, and goes into the next room to check on the man's wife. "How're you feeling?" he asks. "I'm doing well," answers the old woman. "I still have lots of energy and I'm not feeling any pain." The doctor says, "That's nice. It sounds like you and your husband are both doing well. One thing though - your husband said that when he gets up to pee at night, the good Lord turns the light on for him. Do you have any idea what he means?" "Oh No," says the woman, "He's peeing in the refrigerator again."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[DonnaWanna]

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

 

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

 

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting

someone else to hold them while you chop away.

 

3. Men, avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply

using the sink.

 

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a

few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

Remember to use a timer.

 

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from

rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

 

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will

be afraid to cough.

 

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer, and you will forget about the toothache.

 

*** Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:

You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should,

use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

 

*** Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.

 

 

 

Don't sweat the petty stuff.....and don't pet the sweaty stuff!

[Trance]

QUOTE (DonnaWanna @ Jun 17 2005, 11:33 PM)

...and don't pet the sweaty stuff!

[DonnaWanna]

THE 11TH HUSBAND

 

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced

ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband,

"Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin."

 

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been

married ten times?"

 

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me

how great it was going to be."

 

"Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure

how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and

get back to me."

 

"Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up."

 

"Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the

order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver."

 

"Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted

three years to research, implement, and design a new

state-of-the-art method. "

 

"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not"

 

"Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was

never sure how to position it."

 

"Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it."

 

"Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look."

 

"Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was..... God,

I miss him!"

 

"But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!"

 

"Good," said the husband, "but, why?"

 

"You're with the Government. This time I KNOW I'm gonna get

SCREWED!"