The Joke Thread (The Good, The Bad & The Ugly)

[Alsgalpal]

QUOTE (DonnaWanna @ Jun 17 2005, 11:42 PM)

THE 11TH HUSBAND A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be." "Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me." "Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up." "Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver." "Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. " "Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not" "Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it." "Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it." "Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look." "Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was..... God, I miss him!" "But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!" "Good," said the husband, "but, why?" "You're with the Government. This time I KNOW I'm gonna get SCREWED!"

I don't get #10.

[DonnaWanna]

QUOTE (Alsgalpal @ Jun 18 2005, 01:00 AM)

QUOTE (DonnaWanna @ Jun 17 2005, 11:42 PM) THE 11TH  HUSBAND A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously  divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new  husband, "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if  you've been married ten times?" "Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept  telling me how great it was going to be." "Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never  really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it  and get back to me." "Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said  everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system  up." "Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had  the order, he didn't know when he would be able to  deliver." "Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the  basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a  new state-of-the-art method. " "Husband #6 was from  Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was  his job or not" "Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product,  he was never sure how to position it." "Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did  was talk about it." "Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was  look." "Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was..... God, I miss him!" "But now that I've married you, I'm so  excited!" "Good," said the husband, "but,  why?" "You're with the Government. This time I KNOW I'm  gonna  get SCREWED!" I don't get #10.   Stamps..... http://www.gosmiley.com/licking/smile_face_lick.gif

[Rolinda Bonz]

QUOTE (Alsgalpal @ Jun 17 2005, 10:00 PM)

QUOTE (DonnaWanna @ Jun 17 2005, 11:42 PM) THE 11TH  HUSBAND A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously  divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new  husband, "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if  you've been married ten times?" "Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept  telling me how great it was going to be." "Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never  really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it  and get back to me." "Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said  everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system  up." "Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had  the order, he didn't know when he would be able to  deliver." "Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the  basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a  new state-of-the-art method. " "Husband #6 was from  Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was  his job or not" "Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product,  he was never sure how to position it." "Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did  was talk about it." "Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was  look." "Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was..... God, I miss him!" "But now that I've married you, I'm so  excited!" "Good," said the husband, "but,  why?" "You're with the Government. This time I KNOW I'm  gonna  get SCREWED!" I don't get #10. http://usera.imagecave.com/RolindaBonz/tounge.gif

[Rolinda Bonz]

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and

populated Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach. Also green,

yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long

and healthy.

 

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream

and Krispy Kreme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with

that?" And Man said, "Yes!" And Woman said, "As long as you're at it,

add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.

 

And God created the healthy yogurt that Woman might keep the

figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour

from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went

from size 6 to size 14.

 

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented

Thousand-Island dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on

the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the

repast.

 

God then said, "I have sent you heart-healthy vegetables and

olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried

fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed it's own platter. And Man

gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

 

God then created a light, fluffy cake, named it "Angel Food Cake" and

said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it

"Devil's Food."

 

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children

might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote

control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman

laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

 

Then God brought to forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming

with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the beautiful skin and sliced

the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.

 

God then gave lean beef so Man might consume fewer calories and still

satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent

double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man

replied, "Yes! And super-size them!" And Satan said, "It is good!" And

Man went into cardiac arrest.

 

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

 

Then Satan created HMOs.

 

 

[Rolinda Bonz]

Thought for the day.......

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today

than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a

large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and

absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

 

[Batman]

QUOTE (Alsgalpal @ Jun 18 2005, 01:00 AM)

QUOTE (DonnaWanna @ Jun 17 2005, 11:42 PM) THE 11TH  HUSBAND A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously  divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new  husband, "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if  you've been married ten times?" "Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept  telling me how great it was going to be." "Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never  really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it  and get back to me." "Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said  everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system  up." "Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had  the order, he didn't know when he would be able to  deliver." "Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the  basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a  new state-of-the-art method. " "Husband #6 was from  Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was  his job or not" "Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product,  he was never sure how to position it." "Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did  was talk about it." "Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was  look." "Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was..... God, I miss him!" "But now that I've married you, I'm so  excited!" "Good," said the husband, "but,  why?" "You're with the Government. This time I KNOW I'm  gonna  get SCREWED!" I don't get #10. so sorry to hear that.

[Cygnus]

The Old Poodle

 

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company. One

day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that she's lost. Wandering about, she notices a young

leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch.

 

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep trouble now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to

chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that

was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

 

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!",

says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

 

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade

it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that

something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

 

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that

conniving canine!"

 

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says: "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to ! bring me another leopard!"

 

Moral of this story..

 

Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! bullshit and brilliance only come with age and

experience!

 

[Alsgalpal]

QUOTE (Cygnus @ Jun 21 2005, 12:55 PM)

The Old Poodle A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company. One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that she's lost. Wandering about, she notices a young leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch. The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep trouble now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!" Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!" Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says: "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to ! bring me another leopard!" Moral of this story.. Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience!

Thats awesome!!

[Daggy]

How do you stop a woman giving you a blow-job?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Marry her.

[Trance]

Lame.

[Test4VitalSigns]

 

 

 

 

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace the retiring country doctor. The older doctor suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor.

At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."

 

The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"

 

As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How did you arrive at your diagnosis so quickly?"

 

"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half-dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what probably was making her sick."

 

"Huh," the younger doctor said, "pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house."

 

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did. "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."

 

"You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."

 

As they left, the elder doc said, "Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?"

 

"Well, just as you did at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I saw the preacher under the bed."

 

 

 

 

 

[sundog]

QUOTE (Test4VitalSigns @ Jun 22 2005, 01:42 AM)

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace the retiring country doctor. The older doctor suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor. At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach." The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?" As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How did you arrive at your diagnosis so quickly?" "I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half-dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what probably was making her sick." "Huh," the younger doctor said, "pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house." Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did. "I'm feeling terribly run down lately." "You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps." As they left, the elder doc said, "Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?" "Well, just as you did at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I saw the preacher under the bed."

[Daggy]

QUOTE (Trance @ Jun 21 2005, 07:05 PM)

Lame.

Well then funny boy make me laugh!

[Trance]

QUOTE (Daggy @ Jun 22 2005, 03:33 PM)

QUOTE (Trance @ Jun 21 2005, 07:05 PM) Lame. Well then funny boy make me laugh! I'm not a boy

Edited June 22, 2005 by Trance

[sundog]

QUOTE (Trance @ Jun 22 2005, 04:37 PM)

QUOTE (Daggy @ Jun 22 2005, 03:33 PM) QUOTE (Trance @ Jun 21 2005, 07:05 PM) Lame. Well then funny boy make me laugh! I'm not a boy Nope she's sure not!!   Trance....

[sundog]

Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe. "I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.

Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.

 

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.

 

Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"

 

Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."

 

 

 

[ladirushfan80]

this was probably posted before... but too bad!!!!!!!!

enjoy!

 

Twenty Questions

 

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?

Unique Up On It

 

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?

Tame Way, Unique Up On It

 

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?

They Take The Psycho Path

 

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?

You Boil The Hell Out Of It

 

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?

Dam!

 

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?

Polaroids

 

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?

A Stick

 

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?

Nacho Cheese

 

9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?

Subordinate Clauses

 

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?

Quattro Sinko

 

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?

Spoiled Milk

 

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?

Frostbite

 

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?

A Nervous Wreck

 

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?

Anyone Can Roast Beef

 

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?

Right Where You Left Him

 

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?

Because They Have Big Fingers

 

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?

Because It Scares The Dog

 

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?

Sanka

 

19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?

The Location Of The Dirt Bag

 

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?

Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat

[sundog]

 

Classic!!!

[barney_rebel]

Libarce was good on the piano.

 

But he sucked on the organ.

[sundog]

QUOTE (barney_rebel @ Jun 23 2005, 08:18 AM)

Libarce was good on the piano. But he sucked on the organ.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Test4VitalSigns]

This couple have just met in a bar, really hit it off and gone back to her place to have wild, passionate sex. After they have finished he lies back with a smug look on his face, "I guess that was just about the best sex you have ever had," he says. "What makes you say that?" asks the woman.

 

"Well, every time we did it, I couldn't help notice how it made your toes curl," he explains.

 

"Oh," says the woman, "that was just because most men wait to take off my pantyhose first."

 

 

[Test4VitalSigns]

Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection.

 

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?" She says: "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

 

Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few seconds a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?" The Huge Man: "You must be new here; it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me." The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him.

 

Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist: "May I help you?" Bob says: "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee." Receptionist: "But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities.....

 

"Bob replies: "Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on twice a month, but I fart 15 times a day!

 

 

[sundog]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Cygnus]

A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago." "Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked. "Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesnt even believe theres a Hell." Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, well show him how wrong he is."

[sundog]

QUOTE (Cygnus @ Jun 23 2005, 10:21 AM)

A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago." "Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked. "Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesnt even believe theres a Hell." Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, well show him how wrong he is."

 

 

 

Keep 'em coming...

 

 

 

You guys are killing me!