The Joke Thread (The Good, The Bad & The Ugly)

[CanEHdian]

[Test4VitalSigns]

A woman pregnant with triplets is walking down the street when a masked robber runs out the bank and shoots her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies are okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in because it's too risky to operate.

 

All is fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walks into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asks the mother.

 

"I was having a pee and this bullet came out" replies the daughter. The mother tells her it's okay and explains what happened 16 years ago. About a week later the second daughter walks in to the room in tears.

 

"Mom, I was having a pee and this bullet came out". Again the mother tells her not to worry and explains what happened 16 years ago. A week later the boy walks into the room in tears.

 

"It's okay" says the mom, "I know what happened, you were having a pee and a bullet came out."

 

"No," says the boy, "I was jerking off and I shot the dog."

 

[Cygnus]

QUOTE (Test4VitalSigns @ Sep 7 2005, 06:56 AM)

A woman pregnant with triplets is walking down the street when a masked robber runs out the bank and shoots her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies are okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in because it's too risky to operate. All is fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walks into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asks the mother. "I was having a pee and this bullet came out" replies the daughter. The mother tells her it's okay and explains what happened 16 years ago. About a week later the second daughter walks in to the room in tears. "Mom, I was having a pee and this bullet came out". Again the mother tells her not to worry and explains what happened 16 years ago. A week later the boy walks into the room in tears. "It's okay" says the mom, "I know what happened, you were having a pee and a bullet came out." "No," says the boy, "I was jerking off and I shot the dog."

[Pags]

QUOTE (Test4VitalSigns @ Sep 7 2005, 06:56 AM)

A woman pregnant with triplets is walking down the street when a masked robber runs out the bank and shoots her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies are okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in because it's too risky to operate. All is fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walks into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asks the mother. "I was having a pee and this bullet came out" replies the daughter. The mother tells her it's okay and explains what happened 16 years ago. About a week later the second daughter walks in to the room in tears. "Mom, I was having a pee and this bullet came out". Again the mother tells her not to worry and explains what happened 16 years ago. A week later the boy walks into the room in tears. "It's okay" says the mom, "I know what happened, you were having a pee and a bullet came out." "No," says the boy, "I was jerking off and I shot the dog."

[Cygnus]

A fellow went to the confessional in a Catholic church and told the father he would like to confess,

the father said, thats what I'm here for my son so the fellow said, father I had intercourse 13 times last night,

the father said that all right my son, your married arn't you?

The fellow said,hell no,I not even Catholic but I wanted to tell somebody!!

Edited September 7, 2005 by Cygnus

[CanEHdian]

QUOTE (Test4VitalSigns @ Sep 7 2005, 06:56 AM)

A woman pregnant with triplets is walking down the street when a masked robber runs out the bank and shoots her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies are okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in because it's too risky to operate. All is fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walks into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asks the mother. "I was having a pee and this bullet came out" replies the daughter. The mother tells her it's okay and explains what happened 16 years ago. About a week later the second daughter walks in to the room in tears. "Mom, I was having a pee and this bullet came out". Again the mother tells her not to worry and explains what happened 16 years ago. A week later the boy walks into the room in tears. "It's okay" says the mom, "I know what happened, you were having a pee and a bullet came out." "No," says the boy, "I was jerking off and I shot the dog."

TEST!

 

 

 

[CanEHdian]

Off to Vegas

A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.

 

'Just where the heck do you think you're going!', said the man.

 

'I'm going to Las Vegas', said the wife, 'I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!

 

'The man said, 'Wait a minute!', and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.

 

'Where the heck are you going?', said the wife.

 

The man said, 'I want to see how you're gonna live on $800 a year!'

 

[CanEHdian]

A little girl walks into her parents' bathroom and notices for the First time, her father's nakedness.

 

Immediately, she is curious: he has equipment that she doesn't have. She asks, "What are those round things hanging there, daddy?"

 

Proudly, he replies, "Those, sweetheart, are God's Apples of Life.

 

Without them we wouldn't be here."

 

Puzzled, she seeks her mommy out and tells her what daddy has said.

 

To which mommy asks, "Did he say anything about the dead branch they're hanging from?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

[defrushfan01]

There were two blonds in a bar having some drinks

 

The one asked her friend what she though was closer, the moon for Florida

 

Her friend responeded "Well duh! You can see the moon"

[CanEHdian]

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

 

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

 

He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.

 

"OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

 

Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.

 

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

 

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

 

"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

 

"Good" said the bat, "Because I sure as hell didn't!"

 

[Cygnus]

QUOTE (CanEHdian @ Sep 7 2005, 02:33 PM)

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in. "OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. "Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked. "Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good" said the bat, "Because I sure as hell didn't!"

lmao

[CanEHdian]

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"

 

And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?"

 

The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: "I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a thit."

 

 

[CanEHdian]

A blonde lady was driving along the highway when a blonde police officer pulled her over for speeding.

 

Officer: May i see your licence?

 

Lady: what does it look like?

 

Officer: its a rectangular thing with a photo of you on it.

 

The lady looks through her bag and pulls out her compact mirror and hands it to the officer.

 

The officer opens it up and says 'if you had told me you were a police officer I wouldn't have pulled you over.'

 

 

 

*I'm blonde and I thought it was cute*

[CanEHdian]

Guest: "Why does your dog sit there and watch me eat?"

 

Hotel Host: "I can't imagine, unless it's because you have the plate he usually eats from."

 

[CanEHdian]

Chester and Earl are going hunting. Chester says to Earl, "I'll send my dog out to see if there are any ducks out in the pond. If there aren't any ducks out there, I'm not going hunting."

 

So he sends the dog out to the pond. The dog comes back and barks twice. Chester says, "Well I'm not going to go out. He only saw two ducks out there."

 

Earl says, "You're going to take the dog's barks for the truth?" Earl doesn't believe it, so he goes to look for himself. When he gets back he says, "I don't believe it where did you get that dog? There really are only two ducks out there!"

 

Chester says, "Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you want, you can get one from him, too."

 

So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his friend Chester has. The breeder obliges and Earl brings the dog home, tells it to go out and look for ducks. Minutes later the dog returns with a stick in it's mouth and starts humping Earl's leg.

 

Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder and says, "This dog is a fraud. I want my money back!"

 

The breeder asks Earl what the dog did. So Earl tells him that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks, it came back with a stick in its mouth and started humping his leg.

 

The breeder says, "Earl, all he was trying to tell you was that there are more f***ing ducks out there than you can shake a stick at!"

 

 

 

 

 

 

I better go..I could spend ALL day in this thread

 

 

[Drumnut]

QUOTE (CanEHdian @ Sep 7 2005, 11:04 AM)

Chester and Earl are going hunting. Chester says to Earl, "I'll send my dog out to see if there are any ducks out in the pond. If there aren't any ducks out there, I'm not going hunting." So he sends the dog out to the pond. The dog comes back and barks twice. Chester says, "Well I'm not going to go out. He only saw two ducks out there." Earl says, "You're going to take the dog's barks for the truth?" Earl doesn't believe it, so he goes to look for himself. When he gets back he says, "I don't believe it where did you get that dog? There really are only two ducks out there!" Chester says, "Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you want, you can get one from him, too." So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his friend Chester has. The breeder obliges and Earl brings the dog home, tells it to go out and look for ducks. Minutes later the dog returns with a stick in it's mouth and starts humping Earl's leg. Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder and says, "This dog is a fraud. I want my money back!" The breeder asks Earl what the dog did. So Earl tells him that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks, it came back with a stick in its mouth and started humping his leg. The breeder says, "Earl, all he was trying to tell you was that there are more f***ing ducks out there than you can shake a stick at!" I better go..I could spend ALL day in this thread

[barney_rebel]

A chinese couple were making out.

 

The guy whispers to the girl, "Honey, you wanna do a 69?"

 

She gets up, all confused and asks "What do you mean you want to do a 'beef broccoli'?"

[Drumnut]

"An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the

responsibility to marry the perfect woman so

they could produce beautiful children beyond compare

 

With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.

 

Shortly there after he met a farmer who had three stunning,

gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away.

So he explained his mission to the farmer,

asking for permission to marry one of them.

 

The farmer simply replied, "They're looking' to get married,

so you came to the right place Look 'em over and pick the one you want."

 

The man dated the first daughter.

The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.

 

"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit,

not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed."

 

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one

of the other girls;so the man went out with the second daughter.

 

The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.

 

"Well,"the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit,

not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed."

 

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl

to see if things might be better. So he did.

 

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,

 

"She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."

 

So they were wed right away .Months later the baby was born.

When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was

the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He

rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing

could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

 

"Well," explained the farmer,

"She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell...

pregnant when you met her."

http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y49/Drumnut/BB.gif

[Jack Aubrey]

Q: What's the difference between pink and purple?

 

A: The grip.

 

[Jack Aubrey]

I was in the park the other day and I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger.............then it hit me.

 

[Jack Aubrey]

Q: How do you make a cat go 'woof'?

A: Soak it in gasoline, and set it on fire.

 

 

Q: How do you make a dog go 'meow'?

A: Freeze it in liquid nitrogen, and run it through a bandsaw.

 

[Jack Aubrey]

A woman walks into the kitchen and sees her husband with a fly swatter and asks him, "Have you killed any flies?".

"Yep, I've killed 3 male flies and 4 female flies", he tells her.

"How do you know the sex of the flies you have killed?", his wife asks.

He says, "Well, 3 were on a beer can and 4 were on the phone."

[CanEHdian]

A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

 

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

 

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. 'Want to have some fun?'"

 

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem.

 

Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible.

 

My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

 

"Thank you!" the woman responded. The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house.

 

His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.

 

The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say,"Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"

 

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"

 

[Test4VitalSigns]

QUOTE (CanEHdian @ Sep 9 2005, 01:45 PM)

A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. 'Want to have some fun?'" "That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship." "Thank you!" the woman responded. The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say,"Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?" One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"

Good one

[barney_rebel]

Why is Smurfette environmentally friendy?

 

 

 

 

Because she has a blue box.