The Joke Thread (The Good, The Bad & The Ugly)

[Slacker]

QUOTE (sullysue @ Dec 12 2005, 05:45 PM)

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: October 01, 2005 RE: Christmas Party I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time! Merry Christmas to you and your family. Patty FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: October 02, 2005 RE: Holiday Party In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important! holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. Happy now? Happy Holidays to you and your family. Patty FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: October 03, 2005 RE: Holiday Party Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table .. you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy. NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED. FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: October 04, 2005 RE: Holiday Party What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party- or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross-dressing allowed, though. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!? Patty FROM:: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All F_ _ _ _ _ _ Employees DATE: October 05, 2005 RE: The f***ing Holiday Party Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f 'ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!! FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director DATE: October 06, 2005 RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party.

 

 

me like

[Rolinda Bonz]

Who Started This Christmas Thing?

 

This morning I heard a story on the radio of a woman who was out Christmas shopping with her two children. After many hours of looking at row after row of toys and everything else imaginable, and after hours of hearing both her children asking for everything they saw on the many shelves, she finally made it to the elevator with her two kids.

 

She was feeling what so many of us feel during the holiday season time of the year: overwhelming pressure to go to every party, every housewarming, taste all the holiday food and treats, getting that perfect gift for every single person on our shopping list, making sure we don't forget anyone on our card list, and the pressure of making sure we respond to everyone who sent us a card.

 

Finally the elevator doors opened and there was already a crowd in the car. She pushed her way into the car and dragged her two kids in with her and all the bags of stuff. When the doors closed, she couldn't take it anymore and stated, "Whoever started this whole Christmas thing should be found, strung up and shot."

 

From the back of the car everyone heard a quiet, calm voice respond, "Don't worry, we already crucified Him."

 

For the rest of the trip down the elevator it was so quiet you could have heard a pin drop.

 

Don't forget this year to keep the One who started this whole Christmas thing in your every thought, deed, purchase, and word. If we all did it, just think how different this whole world would be.

 

[Necromancer]

QUOTE (slacker @ Dec 17 2005, 02:14 AM)

QUOTE (sullysue @ Dec 12 2005, 05:45 PM) FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: October 01, 2005 RE: Christmas Party I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time! Merry Christmas to you and your family. Patty FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: October 02, 2005 RE: Holiday Party In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important! holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. Happy now? Happy Holidays to you and your family. Patty FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: October 03, 2005 RE: Holiday Party Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table .. you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy. NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED. FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: October 04, 2005 RE: Holiday Party What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party- or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross-dressing allowed, though. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!? Patty FROM:: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All F_ _ _ _ _ _ Employees DATE: October 05, 2005 RE: The f***ing Holiday Party Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f 'ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!! FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director DATE: October 06, 2005 RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party.     me like   Total f'n' riot Slack. Only thing is that it's unfortunately true anymore. So many whiny douchebags around that you can't do anything in public cuz it might offend someone.   oh... i hope i didn't offend anyone.

[sundog]

A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he

 

realizes it's a gay bar. "What the heck," he says to himself, "I

really want a drink."

 

 

 

When the gay bartender approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of your willy?" The cowboy says,

 

"Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."

 

 

 

The gay bartender says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until

 

you tell me the name of your willy. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because 'It really Satisfies.'"

 

 

 

The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender

 

tells him he will give him a second to think it over.

 

 

 

So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping

 

on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?"

 

 

 

The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX." The thirsty

cowboy asks,

 

"Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, " 'Cause it takes a lickin'

and keeps on tickin!'

 

 

 

A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella's on his right, who

happen

 

to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says,

 

 

"So, what do you guys call yours?"

 

The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because

"'Quality

 

is Job One'" then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"

 

The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY..... 'Like a

Rock!'"and gives a wink!

 

 

 

Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he

comes up

 

with a name for his manhood. Finally, he turns to the bartender and

 

exclaims, "The name of my willy is SECRET. Now give me a beer."

 

 

 

The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled

look asks

 

 

 

"Why Secret?"

 

 

The cowboy says, "Because it's 'STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!!!!!!!"

 

[sundog]

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic

garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the

pavement.

 

Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills

falling out of that bag..."

"Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"

 

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that

money? Did you steal it?"

 

"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up

to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a

lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!

So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each

time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say:

$20 or off it comes!"

 

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way,

what's in the other bag?"

 

"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up"....

 

[Drumnut]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[sundog]

Canadian Diplomacy,

A man in the Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce.

The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce.

The man persists and asks to see the manager.

The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some idiot

wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence,

he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added,

"And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy,

"I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier.

We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

"Canada, sir," the boy replied.

Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but hookers and hockey players up

there."

"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada."

"No kidding ?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"

[Alsgalpal]

[Cygnus]

Dear God,

 

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday

someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had

until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited

two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to

buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can

you please help me?

 

Sincerely,

 

Edna

 

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other

workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few

dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which

they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all

the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be

able to share with her friends.

 

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from

the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter

was opened. It read:

 

Dear God,

 

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your

gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends.

We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving

bastards at the Post Office.

 

[Digital Man]

My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we

are in bed . I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No." She answered.

I then said, "Is that your final an swer?"

"Yes." She replied.

Then I said, " I'd like to phone a friend."

 

That's the last thing I remember.

 

[ladirushfan80]

QUOTE (Digital Man @ Dec 21 2005, 11:35 PM)

My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we are in bed . I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No." She answered. I then said, "Is that your final an swer?" "Yes." She replied. Then I said, " I'd like to phone a friend." That's the last thing I remember.

[The Notorious B.S.G.]

If Santa REALLY said what was on his mind.....

_______________________________

 

Deer Santa,

I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. I'v ben a gud boy all yeer.

Yer Friend, Billy

 

Dear Billy,

Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a book so you can learn to read and spell? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell.

Santa

****************************************************

Dear Santa,

I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!

Love, Sarah

 

Dear Sarah,

Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?

Santa

****************************************************

Dear Santa,

I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.

Love, Teddy

 

Dear Teddy,

Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me send you some Legos instead.

Santa

***************************************************

Dear Santa,

I want a new bike, a Playstation 2, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.

Love, Francis

 

Dear Francis,

Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays. I bet you're gay. I'll set you up with a Barbie.

Santa

****************************************************

Dear Santa,

I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.

Love, Susan

 

Dear Susan ,

Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of Scotch.

Santa

****************************************************

Dear Santa,

What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?

Your friend, Thomas

 

Dear Thomas,

All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.

Santa

****************************************************

Dear Santa,

Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?

Love, Jessica

 

Dear Jessica,

Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.

Santa

****************************************************

Dear Santa,

I really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please, PLEASE, PLEASE could I have one?

Love, Timmy

 

Dear Timmy,

That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again .

Santa

****************************************************

Dearest Santa,

We don't have a chimney in our house. How do you get into our home?

Love, Marky

 

Dear Mark,

First stop callling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass kicked at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window.

Sweet dreams, Santa

 

[Drumnut]

I especially like this one:

 

QUOTE (BSG @ Dec 22 2005, 02:06 PM)

******************************************** Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah Dear Sarah, Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they? Santa ********************************************

Sounds more like Riv answered these letters!

 

 

[CanEHdian]

QUOTE (Drumnut @ Dec 22 2005, 05:25 PM)

I especially like this one: QUOTE (BSG @ Dec 22 2005, 02:06 PM) ******************************************** Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah Dear Sarah, Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they? Santa ******************************************** Sounds more like Riv answered these letters!

[Daylin]

QUOTE (ladirushfan80 @ Dec 22 2005, 07:17 AM)

QUOTE (Digital Man @ Dec 21 2005, 11:35 PM) My wife  and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we are in bed . I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No." She answered. I then said, "Is that your final an swer?" "Yes." She replied. Then I said, " I'd like to phone a friend." That's the last thing I remember.

[Daylin]

QUOTE (BSG @ Dec 22 2005, 05:06 PM)

If Santa REALLY said what was on his mind..... _______________________________ Deer Santa, I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. I'v ben a gud boy all yeer. Yer Friend, Billy Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a book so you can learn to read and spell? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell. Santa **************************************************** Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah Dear Sarah, Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they? Santa **************************************************** Dear Santa, I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do. Love, Teddy Dear Teddy, Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me send you some Legos instead. Santa *************************************************** Dear Santa, I want a new bike, a Playstation 2, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba. Love, Francis Dear Francis, Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays. I bet you're gay. I'll set you up with a Barbie. Santa **************************************************** Dear Santa, I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door. Love, Susan Dear Susan , Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of Scotch. Santa **************************************************** Dear Santa, What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys? Your friend, Thomas Dear Thomas, All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know. Santa **************************************************** Dear Santa, Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song? Love, Jessica Dear Jessica, Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house. Santa **************************************************** Dear Santa, I really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please, PLEASE, PLEASE could I have one? Love, Timmy Dear Timmy, That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again . Santa **************************************************** Dearest Santa, We don't have a chimney in our house. How do you get into our home? Love, Marky Dear Mark, First stop callling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass kicked at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window. Sweet dreams, Santa

[Test4VitalSigns]

There was a church that had a very big-busted organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.

 

The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

 

One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons, (if you eat them they make you pucker, because they are so sour) and rub them on your breasts and maybe they would shrink in size. She agreed to try it.

 

The following Sunday morning the minister got up on the pulpit and said:

"Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol we will not hath a thermon

tewday."

[Daylin]

QUOTE (Test4VitalSigns @ Dec 23 2005, 06:23 AM)

There was a church that had a very big-busted organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist. One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons, (if you eat them they make you pucker, because they are so sour) and rub them on your breasts and maybe they would shrink in size. She agreed to try it. The following Sunday morning the minister got up on the pulpit and said: "Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol we will not hath a thermon tewday."

[Trance]

Notable Quotes

 

1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died

peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the

passengers in his car."

--Author Unknown

 

2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you

get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:

"Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."

--Author Unknown

 

3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a

support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they

meet at the bar."

--Drew Carey

 

4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's

not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into

doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night,

drop them off at the wrong house."

--Jeff Foxworthy

 

5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball

and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the

infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base."

--Dave Barry

 

6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and

we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend

wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice.

There should be severance pay, the day before they leave

you, they should have to find you a temp."

--Bob Ettinger

 

7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took

her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom,

they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"

--Paula Poundstone

 

8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have

better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the

authors of that study: "Duh."

--Conan O'Brien

 

9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm

halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....

I could be eating a slow learner."

--Lynda Montgomery

 

10) "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of

people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime

and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's

go west.'"

--Richard Jeni

 

11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the

impersonators would be dead."

--Johnny Carson

 

12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us

geography."

--Paul Rodriguez

 

13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they

turned sixty and that's the law."

--Jerry Seinfeld

 

14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in

case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line

from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What,

do tall people burn slower?"

--Warren Hutcherson

 

15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is

the same."

--Oscar Wilde

 

16) "Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you were a

member of Congress... But I repeat myself."

--Mark Twain

 

17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school

student. At least they can find Afghanistan."

--A. Whitney Brown

 

18) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog

will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right!

I never would've thought of that!'"

--Dave Barry

 

19) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow

Disease" was taken.

--Author Unknown, presumed deceased

 

 

[Drumnut]

QUOTE (Trance @ Dec 23 2005, 01:40 PM)

19) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow   Disease" was taken.   --Author Unknown, presumed deceased

[Daylin]

QUOTE (Trance @ Dec 23 2005, 04:40 PM)

Notable Quotes 1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car." --Author Unknown 2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children." --Author Unknown 3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." --Drew Carey 4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house." --Jeff Foxworthy 5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base." --Dave Barry 6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." --Bob Ettinger 7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'" --Paula Poundstone 8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh." --Conan O'Brien 9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner." --Lynda Montgomery 10) "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'" --Richard Jeni 11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." --Johnny Carson 12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." --Paul Rodriguez 13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law." --Jerry Seinfeld 14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?" --Warren Hutcherson 15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same." --Oscar Wilde 16) "Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you were a member of Congress... But I repeat myself." --Mark Twain 17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan." --A. Whitney Brown 18) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'" --Dave Barry 19) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken. --Author Unknown, presumed deceased

 

These are great Trance!

[Trance]

QUOTE (Daylin @ Dec 23 2005, 05:17 PM)

QUOTE (Trance @ Dec 23 2005, 04:40 PM) Notable Quotes 1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died   peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the   passengers in his car."   --Author Unknown 2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you   get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:   "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."   --Author Unknown 3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a   support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they   meet at the bar."   --Drew Carey 4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's   not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night,   drop them off at the wrong house."   --Jeff Foxworthy 5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball   and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the   infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base."   --Dave Barry 6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and   we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend   wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice.   There should be severance pay, the day before they leave   you, they should have to find you a temp."   --Bob Ettinger 7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took   her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom,   they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'" --Paula Poundstone 8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have   better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the   authors of that study: "Duh."   --Conan O'Brien 9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm   halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....   I could be eating a slow learner."   --Lynda Montgomery 10) "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of   people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime   and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's   go west.'"   --Richard Jeni 11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the   impersonators would be dead."   --Johnny Carson 12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us   geography."   --Paul Rodriguez 13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they   turned sixty and that's the law."   --Jerry Seinfeld 14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in   case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line   from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What,   do tall people burn slower?"   --Warren Hutcherson 15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is   the same."   --Oscar Wilde 16) "Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you were a   member of Congress... But I repeat myself."   --Mark Twain 17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school   student. At least they can find Afghanistan."   --A. Whitney Brown 18) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog   will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right!   I never would've thought of that!'"   --Dave Barry 19) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow   Disease" was taken.   --Author Unknown, presumed deceased   These are great Trance! Thanks I got them in an email from a friend of mine, she always sends funny stuff that I will try to post more often

[Daylin]

QUOTE (Trance @ Dec 23 2005, 05:21 PM)

QUOTE (Daylin @ Dec 23 2005, 05:17 PM) QUOTE (Trance @ Dec 23 2005, 04:40 PM) Notable Quotes 1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died   peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the   passengers in his car."   --Author Unknown 2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you   get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:   "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."   --Author Unknown 3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a   support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they   meet at the bar."   --Drew Carey 4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's   not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night,   drop them off at the wrong house."   --Jeff Foxworthy 5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball   and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the   infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base."   --Dave Barry 6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and   we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend   wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice.   There should be severance pay, the day before they leave   you, they should have to find you a temp."   --Bob Ettinger 7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took   her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom,   they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'" --Paula Poundstone 8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have   better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the   authors of that study: "Duh."   --Conan O'Brien 9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm   halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....   I could be eating a slow learner."   --Lynda Montgomery 10) "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of   people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime   and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's   go west.'"   --Richard Jeni 11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the   impersonators would be dead."   --Johnny Carson 12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us   geography."   --Paul Rodriguez 13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they   turned sixty and that's the law."   --Jerry Seinfeld 14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in   case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line   from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What,   do tall people burn slower?"   --Warren Hutcherson 15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is   the same."   --Oscar Wilde 16) "Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you were a   member of Congress... But I repeat myself."   --Mark Twain 17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school   student. At least they can find Afghanistan."   --A. Whitney Brown 18) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog   will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right!   I never would've thought of that!'"   --Dave Barry 19) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow   Disease" was taken.   --Author Unknown, presumed deceased   These are great Trance! Thanks I got them in an email from a friend of mine, she always sends funny stuff that I will try to post more often Please do Trance

[Drumnut]

How Many TRF Members does it take to change a light bulb?

 

A: 1,331:

• 1 to successfully change the light bulb and to post to the Rush Forum that the light bulb has been changed.
• 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
• 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
• 27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.
• 53 to flame the spell checkers.
• 156 to write to the Rush Forum administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to The Rush Forum.
• 41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.
• 109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this forum exchange to alt.lite.bulb
• 203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped.
• 111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we are all use light bulbs and therefore the posts **are** relevant to The Rush Forum.
• 306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.
• 27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs.
• 14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs.
• 3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this Forum.
• 33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add "Me Too."
• 12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversey.
• 19 to quote the "Me Too's" to say, "Me Three."
• 4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.
• 1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.
• 47 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for, leave it here.
• 143 votes for a new list alt.lite.bulb.

[Rolinda Bonz]

QUOTE (Drumnut @ Dec 23 2005, 05:37 PM)

How Many TRF Members does it take to change a light bulb? A: 1,331: 1 to successfully change the light bulb and to post to the Rush Forum that the light bulb has been changed. 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently. 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs. 27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs. 53 to flame the spell checkers. 156 to write to the Rush Forum administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to The Rush Forum. 41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames. 109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this forum exchange to alt.lite.bulb 203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped. 111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we are all use light bulbs and therefore the posts **are** relevant to The Rush Forum. 306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty. 27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs. 14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs. 3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this Forum. 33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add "Me Too." 12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversey. 19 to quote the "Me Too's" to say, "Me Three." 4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ. 1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup. 47 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for, leave it here. 143 votes for a new list alt.lite.bulb.

*raises hand...convicted*