Slaine mac Roth Posted January 12, 2006 Share Posted January 12, 2006 A painter has a dream about the most wonderful colour in the world. When he awakens, he resolves to search for it and incorporate it into his next work. The whole village waves him as he sets out on a quest that takes him twice around the world. Upon his, unsucessful, return home, the first villager he sees asks him if he ever found the colour. "No," says the Painter, sadly, " it must have been a pigment of my imagination." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Geds Posted January 13, 2006 Share Posted January 13, 2006 OK. I usually tell this joke to Linemen when I end up working with them,and yesterday I worked with one so here's the joke. BTW, for those of you who don't know, a lineman is the guy who works for the electric company and climbs the poles to work on pole-mounted transformers and such. This lineman goes out to a pole and hangs his tool bag on his belt, spikes up, and climbs up to get to work. He's using a pair of pliers when he suddenly drops them. So, he climbs all the way down the pole, picks up his pliers and notices a young kid of about 10 standing by the service truck. "Hey, there, kid, how's it going?" The kid says to him, "You know, my daddy would take two pairs of pliers up there, that way if he dropped a pair, he could keep working." The lineman Just looks at the kid with a dumb look on his face, and finally says, "Ok. Thanks for the advice." He heads back up, and starts working again. He's using a screwdriver when, as luck would have it, he drops it. So, he climbs all the way back down again, and guess what? The kid is still there. The kid says, "you know, My daddy would take 2 screwdrivers up there, that way if he dropped one, he could keep working." "Shutup, kid, I get paid by the hour." says the irritated lineman, and he climbs back up. A short while later, he finishes the job, and climbs down and goes around the truck to take a leak. He is in mid-piss when he looks up and notices the kid is standing nearby, looking at him. The lineman says, "Don't tell me, you daddy's got two of these, too." The Kid says, "No, but he's got one that would make two of yours...." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alsgalpal Posted January 13, 2006 Share Posted January 13, 2006 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sark Posted January 13, 2006 Share Posted January 13, 2006 Warning: this could probably be considered an ugly one- What did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire? "See you in 28 days." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alsgalpal Posted January 13, 2006 Share Posted January 13, 2006 QUOTE (Sark @ Jan 13 2006, 11:26 AM) Warning: this could probably be considered an ugly one- What did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire? "See you in 28 days." I don't get it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sark Posted January 13, 2006 Share Posted January 13, 2006 QUOTE (Alsgalpal @ Jan 13 2006, 11:26 AM) QUOTE (Sark @ Jan 13 2006, 11:26 AM) Warning: this could probably be considered an ugly one- What did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire? "See you in 28 days." I don't get it. Well, you must know what happens to a woman every 28 days or so? I know gross huh? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alsgalpal Posted January 13, 2006 Share Posted January 13, 2006 QUOTE (Sark @ Jan 13 2006, 11:28 AM) QUOTE (Alsgalpal @ Jan 13 2006, 11:26 AM) QUOTE (Sark @ Jan 13 2006, 11:26 AM) Warning: this could probably be considered an ugly one- What did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire? "See you in 28 days." I don't get it. Well, you must know what happens to a woman every 28 days or so? I know gross huh? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sullysue Posted January 17, 2006 Share Posted January 17, 2006 In complete contradition to the MLK thread from last night, I'm posting this. So, I sincerely apologize. But, it's funny. (If anyone EVER wonders why I'm such a nut job, keep in mind that MY MOTHER sent this to me. I get stuff like this from her all the time. ) SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? Juan on Juan What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? The position of the dirt bag Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it. What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? Doughnuts? Why is air a lot like sex? Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any. What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever. What do attorneys use for birth control? Their personalities. What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? 45 lbs What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband? 45 minutes What's the fastest way to a man 's heart? Through his chest with a sharp knife. Why do men want to marry virgins? They can't stand criticism. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex? Because they have cotton balls. What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW? A porcupine has the pricks on the outside. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? "Are you sure it's mine?" Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? Mace will do that to you. Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ? Everyone has the same DNA. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes. Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it. Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar. Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby? They named him "Sum Ting Wong". What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment. What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast? They're hiring. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with.. "a recipe". How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*! What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." -A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit...". Why is there no Disneyland in China? No one's tall enough to go on the good rides Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sundog Posted January 17, 2006 Share Posted January 17, 2006 Sully, those are great! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Drumnut Posted January 18, 2006 Share Posted January 18, 2006 The perfect lawyer joke: A man was walking along the beach, found a corked bottle, pull the cork and out popped a genie. "You may have three wishes, but I must tell you I am a attorney's genie. Anything you ask for will be applied twice to all the world's attorneys." The man acknowledged the genie's conditions and first asked for ten million dollars. "Fine" said the genie and every attorney received twenty million dollars. The man then asked for an ocean-view home and not only was his request granted , but two homes were also given to all other attorneys. "OK", said the genie, "what's your last wish?" "Well", said the man, "I've always wanted to donate a kidney." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cygnus Posted January 19, 2006 Share Posted January 19, 2006 Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a doberman and the other, a chihuahua. As they walked down the street, the one with the doberman said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink." The lady with the chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us." The one with the doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do." They walked over to the bar and the one with the doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed." The woman with the doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The bouncer said, "A doberman?" The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good." The bouncer said, "OK, come on in." The lady with the chihuahua thought that convincing him that a chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought, "what the heck", so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in. Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed." The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The bouncer said, "A chihuahua?" The woman with the chihuahua said, "A chihuahua? The idiots gave me a chihuahua?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kazzman Posted January 21, 2006 Share Posted January 21, 2006 Ok, back when they were building the Alaskan pipeline, guys could make a small fortune while workin on it. One day a worker walks into the nearest down, and goes to the bar. When he sits down, he gets out a $50 bill, slams it on the bar and yells "Hey guys, my name's Joe and drinks are on me!" Nobody answers him. Thinking that nobody heard him, he slams his hand on the bar even harder and yells the same thing louder. Again, nobody answers him. A little disgruntled Joe asks the bartender "Hey, what is it with these guys? I'm offering to buy drinks for everybody here and nobody's even listening." The bartender replies, "Well, in order to buy them all drinks, you have to be one of the boys first." "What do I have to do to become one of the boys?" Joe asks. "Well, first, you have to drink 1/5 of a bottle of Yukon Jack straight. Then, you have to find an Eskimo virgin and screw her till she can't walk anymore. Once you've done that you have to wrestle a kodiak bear and beat it. Only then can you be one of the boys." "And every single one of these guys has done that?!" Joe asks a little nervous. "Every one." Joe asks for a bottle of Yukon Jack and instead of chugging down 1/5, he chugs down the whole bottle. He then staggers out of the bar. 4 hours later, he comes back all beat up, bloodied and with a broken arm. "Ok guys, where's that Eskimo virgin I was supposed to wrestle?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sundog Posted January 23, 2006 Share Posted January 23, 2006 Do You Have Anything to Declare? A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland. She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked, "Excuse me, Father, could I ask a favor?" "Of course! What can I do for you?" "Here's the problem...... I bought myself a new sophisticated hair remover gadget for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under your cassock?" "Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I will not lie." "You have such an honest face, Father, I am sure they will not ask you any questions," and she gave him the hair remover. The aircraft arrived at its destination. When the priest presented himself to customs he was asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my son," he replied. Finding this reply strange, the customs officer asked, "And from the sash down, what do you have?" The priest replied, "I have there a marvelous little instrument destined for use by women, but which has never been used." Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said, "Go ahead Father. Next!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rickyrob Posted January 23, 2006 Share Posted January 23, 2006 One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy store and asks the salesperson, "How much is the Barbie on the display window?" The salesperson answers, "Which one? We have: Work out Barbie for $19.95 Shopping Barbie for $19.95 Beach Barbie for $19.95 Disco Barbie for $19.95 Divorced Barbie for $265.95 The amazed father asks: "What? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?" The salesperson annoyingly answers, "Sir..., "Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and... One of Ken's Friends. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daylin Posted January 23, 2006 Share Posted January 23, 2006 Good one's Sunny and ricky Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
madra sneachta Posted January 24, 2006 Share Posted January 24, 2006 I went to a zoo today. It only had one dog. It was a shitsu http://www.serve.com/charlou/max-bg2.GIF Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
afansince74 Posted January 24, 2006 Share Posted January 24, 2006 As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave-side service for a homeless man, with no friends or family, who had died while traveling through the area. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there. As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and being a typical man did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew who was eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them long, but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I poured out my heart and soul. As I preached the workers began to say "Amen", "Praise the Lord", & "Glory." I preached and I preached, like I'd never preached before, from Genesis all the way to Revelation. I closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to my car. I felt I had done my duty for the homeless man and that the crew would leave with a renewed sence of purpose and dedication, in spite of my tardiness. As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another "I ain't never seen anything like this before.... and I've been putting in septic tanks for over twenty years!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sundog Posted January 24, 2006 Share Posted January 24, 2006 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ladirushfan80 Posted January 24, 2006 Share Posted January 24, 2006 A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom? The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf." "Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun. So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant, and she proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?" "Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender. "Would you like a drink?" "But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun. "You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf on the statue is lifted up, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sundog Posted January 24, 2006 Share Posted January 24, 2006 QUOTE (ladirushfan80 @ Jan 24 2006, 09:35 AM) A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom? The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf." "Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun. So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant, and she proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?" "Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender. "Would you like a drink?" "But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun. "You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf on the statue is lifted up, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?" Even nuns are human! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pags Posted January 24, 2006 Share Posted January 24, 2006 Reasons Not To Mess With Children This sounds like something one of my twins would do. A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daylin Posted January 24, 2006 Share Posted January 24, 2006 QUOTE (sundog @ Jan 24 2006, 08:37 AM) QUOTE (ladirushfan80 @ Jan 24 2006, 09:35 AM) A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom? The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf." "Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun. So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant, and she proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?" "Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender. "Would you like a drink?" "But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun. "You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf on the statue is lifted up, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?" Even nuns are human! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daylin Posted January 24, 2006 Share Posted January 24, 2006 QUOTE (paganoman @ Jan 24 2006, 08:59 AM) Reasons Not To Mess With Children This sounds like something one of my twins would do. A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cygnus Posted January 24, 2006 Share Posted January 24, 2006 A Plan to save bankrupt airlines: Replace all female flight attendants with some good-lookin' strippers! What the hell? The attendants have gotten old and haggard-looking. They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss? The strippers would double, triple, perhaps quadruple the alcohol consumption and get a "party atmosphere" going in the cabin. And, of course, every heterosexual businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women. Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt and the airline industry would see record revenues. Why the hell didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself? Sincerely, Bill Clinton Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sundog Posted January 25, 2006 Share Posted January 25, 2006 For the Canadians.... The Donation A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway. Nothing was moving. Suddenly a man knocked on the window. The driver rolled it down and asked "What happened?" "Terrorists have kidnapped Paul Martin, Stephen Harper, Jack Layton and Gilles Duceppe. They are asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection." The driver asked, "How much is everyone giving, on average?" The man replied, "About 5 Litres" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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