The Joke Thread (The Good, The Bad & The Ugly)

[KenJennings]

A nice old man is walking down the beach one day when suddenly, the sky opens up, revealing God.

 

God says to the man, "you've been the most pure hearted, nice person I've seen on Earth in ages. To thank you for that, I want to give you one wish, ANYTHING."

 

The Man says "I've always wanted to visit Hawaii, but i'm afraid to fly. God, please build me a bridge from California to Hawaii, so that I can drive there."

 

God says "You know, I can do that for you... but don't you want something a little more meaningful? Maybe something a bit more original?"

 

The Man says "OK, I want to understand Women!"

 

The sky closes up, and the man stands in silence for several minutes until God reappears saying "Now... How many lanes did you want that bridge, 2 or 4?"

[Slacker]

QUOTE (Alsgalpal @ Dec 1 2005, 03:16 PM)

a little boy was sitting with his mother at sunday services. the sermon was over and the minister began giving the final prayer. it was very quiet and all heads were bowed. lord we thank you for this beautiful day and for all that you have done for us. without you we would be but dust... suddenly the little boy, in a very loud voice said "MOMMIE WHAT IS BUTT DUST" needless to say, the service ended.....

Cute Alsgalpal, very Cute

[Cygnus]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some

olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole.

 

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

 

"No, what?"

 

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"

 

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight. Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

 

The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.

 

Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

 

While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

 

Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"

 

"No, what?" replied the man.

 

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.

 

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."

[Alsgalpal]

 

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the

 

Appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to

 

Enter a password. Something he will use to log on.

 

 

 

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try

 

For the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention.

 

So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it

 

Plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in

 

 

 

P...

 

E...

 

N...

 

I...

 

S

 

 

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

 

 

 

***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***

[Daylin]

[Cygnus]

Blonde Counselor

 

A blonde began a job as an elementary school counselor, and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a boy standing by himself on the side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other. Sandy approached and asked if he was alright.

 

The boy said he was. A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the boy was in the same spot, still by himself.

 

Approaching again, Sandy said, "Would you like me to be your friend?" The boy hesitated, then said, "Okay", looking at the woman suspiciously. Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here alone?"

 

"Because," the little boy said with great exasperation, "I'm the f***ing goalie."

[CanEHdian]

QUOTE (Cygnus @ Dec 7 2005, 01:43 PM)

Blonde Counselor A blonde began a job as an elementary school counselor, and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a boy standing by himself on the side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other. Sandy approached and asked if he was alright. The boy said he was. A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the boy was in the same spot, still by himself. Approaching again, Sandy said, "Would you like me to be your friend?" The boy hesitated, then said, "Okay", looking at the woman suspiciously. Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here alone?" "Because," the little boy said with great exasperation, "I'm the f***ing goalie."

 

[1-0-0-1-0-0-1]

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

 

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize, and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

 

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."

 

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: Glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.

 

A large man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

 

"Uh..yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

 

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

 

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

 

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life! And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.

 

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.

 

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

 

"And now," the couple asked in unison, "What's your wish, genie?"

 

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."

 

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

 

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

 

"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!"

 

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"

 

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

 

"No Kidding." he said. "Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"

[GhostGirl]

OMG...

 

[sullysue]

 

 

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

 

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 01, 2005

RE: Christmas Party

 

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small

band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along.

And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

 

Merry Christmas to you and your family.

 

Patty

 

 

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

 

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 02, 2005

RE: Holiday Party

 

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important! holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

 

Happy now?

 

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

 

Patty

 

 

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

 

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 03, 2005

RE: Holiday Party

 

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table .. you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?

 

Somebody?

 

Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

 

NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

 

 

 

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

 

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 04, 2005

RE: Holiday Party

 

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party- or else package everything for you to take it home in

little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?

 

 

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the

restrooms.

 

 

Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross-dressing allowed, though.

 

 

 

We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first. There

will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!

 

Did I miss anything?!?!?

 

Patty

 

 

FROM:: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

 

TO: All F_ _ _ _ _ _ Employees

DATE: October 05, 2005

RE: The f***ing Holiday Party

 

Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f 'ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die,

 

The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!

 

 

FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

 

DATE: October 06, 2005

RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

 

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[ladirushfan80]

Priceless

 

The doctor said, "Fred, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one heck of a headache. The only way to relieve the

pressure is to remove the testicles." Fred was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

 

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

 

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

 

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."

 

Fred laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

 

"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said. Fred tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Fred admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

 

Fred thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Fred and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck." Fred was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years". Fred tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. Fred walked

comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

 

 

Fred thought for a moment and said, "Sure." The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."

 

Fred laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 32 since I was 18 years old.

 

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 32. A size 32 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

 

New suit - $400

New shirt - $36

New underwear - $6

Second Opinion - PRICELESS

[sullysue]

^^^

 

 

[sundog]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v111/sundog918/mushroom.jpg

[Daylin]

QUOTE (sundog @ Dec 13 2005, 09:34 AM)

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v111/sundog918/mushroom.jpg

OMG

 

[Cygnus]

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the"Chicken Surprise". The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

 

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

 

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.

 

He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and Again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it Slams down.

 

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, And demands an explanation.

 

"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"

 

The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."

 

Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck

[Daylin]

QUOTE (Cygnus @ Dec 13 2005, 11:18 AM)

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the"Chicken Surprise". The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down. "Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and Again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it Slams down. Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, And demands an explanation. "Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?" The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise." Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck

[Test4VitalSigns]

http://i14.photobucket.com/albums/a321/hemispheres2005/nextone/deepthought.jpg

[Cygnus]

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

 

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.

 

All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

 

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.

 

So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

 

The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."

 

"And what about the men?" the minister asked.

 

"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."

[Tick]

my wife crazy!

[Stickman]

QUOTE (Test4VitalSigns @ Dec 15 2005, 09:40 AM)

http://i14.photobucket.com/albums/a321/hemispheres2005/nextone/deepthought.jpg

[invisibleairwaves]

QUOTE (Stickman @ Dec 15 2005, 06:32 PM)

QUOTE (Test4VitalSigns @ Dec 15 2005, 09:40 AM) http://i14.photobucket.com/albums/a321/hemispheres2005/nextone/deepthought.jpg

[kazzman]

 

A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him. "Nice bike," the cop said. "Did Santa bring it to you?"

 

"Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"

 

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.

The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."

 

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you've got there sir. Did Santa bring it to you?"

 

"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.

 

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."

[Drumnut]

2 parrots are sitting on a perch,

one looks over to the other and asks,

"Do you smell fish?"

 

[Alsgalpal]

QUOTE (Drumnut @ Dec 16 2005, 02:28 PM)

2 parrots are sitting on a perch, one looks over to the other and asks, "Do you smell fish?"

I don't get it.

 

 

Yes, I know a perch is a fish, but... I still dont get it.

[Drumnut]

A Monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a Lizard walks past and looks up and says to the Monkey, "Hey what are you doing?"

 

The Monkey says "Smoking a Joint, come up and have some!"

 

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the Monkey and they have a few puffs. After a while the lizard says his mouth is "dry" and is going to get a drink from the river.

 

The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

 

A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the shore, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"

 

The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was smoking a joint with a Monkey in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while trying to get a drink.

 

The Crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree where the Monkey is sitting, finishing a Joint, and he looks up and says "Hey You!"

 

The Monkeys looks down and says "Fuuuuuuuuuuck Duuuuuuude, How much water did you drink?!