ozzy85 Posted January 18 Share Posted January 18 6 hours ago, BastillePark said: A guy walks up to a bar and sits next to an attractive woman. They strike up a conversation and at one point he shows her a watch. He says it's a brand new watch and it is state of the art. She asks what makes it that way and he tells her it can communicate with him telepathically. She asks what kinds of things does it tell him and he looks at it and says, "well, it's telling me you aren't wearing any panties". She says it must be broken because she is wearing panties. He looks at it again and says, "oh wait, it's an hour fast". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
invisible airwave Posted January 21 Share Posted January 21 My rock band has a Yugoslavian sound engineer. We recently hired a Czech one too. Czech one too. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr. Not Posted January 21 Share Posted January 21 I used to think revenge was a dish best served cold, but then I realized it meant 'getting back at somebody'. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr. Not Posted January 21 Share Posted January 21 I'm on a seafood diet. I see food... and if it's a fish I eat it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr. Not Posted January 21 Share Posted January 21 Why doesn't Applebee's call their appetizers appletizers? And why doesn't that waitress I met at TGI Fridays ever call me back? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr. Not Posted January 21 Share Posted January 21 Why did the moron throw the clock out the window? Because it reminded him of Richard Clock - the man convicted of knife-raping his wife. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr. Not Posted January 21 Share Posted January 21 A tribalistic black man, a jewish rabbi, and a morbidly obese woman all step onto a hot air balloon the woman is politely asked to leave due to weight capacity reasons. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Principled Man Posted January 21 Author Share Posted January 21 While watching Jaws again, something dawned on me..... You know, that Ben Gardner took quite a liking to Hooper. He always kept an eye out for him. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chicken hawk Posted January 21 Share Posted January 21 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Principled Man Posted January 23 Author Share Posted January 23 This past weekend, I visited my childhood home, feeling nostalgic and all that.... I asked the people living there if I could come inside, but they slammed the door in my face. Mom and Dad still hate me. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Principled Man Posted January 23 Author Share Posted January 23 My girlfriend would make a lousy therapist. "Cheer up!" she told me. "You are not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jack Aubrey Posted January 24 Share Posted January 24 I like to write my name in cursive. It's my signature move. 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jack Aubrey Posted January 24 Share Posted January 24 Did you hear about the poor guy in Hawaii who had his left side absolutely shredded by a tiger shark? He's all right now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jack Aubrey Posted January 24 Share Posted January 24 They say that with age comes wisdom. Does that mean my wrinkles are actually wisecracks? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jack Aubrey Posted January 24 Share Posted January 24 I don't understand why people are worried about their cell phones, tablets, and other devices are spying on them when it's our vacuum cleaners that have been gathering dirt on us for years. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jack Aubrey Posted January 24 Share Posted January 24 What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Principled Man Posted January 25 Author Share Posted January 25 My girlfriend’s dog died, so I bought her another one just like it. She yelled at me: “What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?!!” 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jack Aubrey Posted January 26 Share Posted January 26 My wife told me I have the world's worst sense of direction. I was like: "where did that come from?!" 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Principled Man Posted January 26 Author Share Posted January 26 My wife and I have been fighting a lot. Trust issues and all that.... Today, she put on her newly bought slim-fit sweater & jeans and asked me, "Do these make me look fat?" I said, "Yes, they do." She gave me a huge hug and kiss, as I had finally stopped lying to her. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
invisible airwave Posted January 28 Share Posted January 28 I have a pet termite. I named him Clint. Clint eats wood. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blackhawkrush Posted January 28 Share Posted January 28 Why did Mr. Milo cross the road? His dick was stuck in a chicken. Yes, I love Bruce Willis. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BastillePark Posted January 28 Share Posted January 28 Q: What is Greg Abbott's least favorite song? A: "Stairway To Heaven" get it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Principled Man Posted January 28 Author Share Posted January 28 16 hours ago, BastillePark said: Q: What is Greg Abbott's least favorite song? A: "Stairway To Heaven" get it? Greg Abbott kept telling his mistress that he was going to dump her, so she took away his wheelchair. She laughed at him, "Now who's gonna come crawling back?" 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
invisible airwave Posted January 29 Share Posted January 29 20 hours ago, blackhawkrush said: Why did Mr. Milo cross the road? His dick was stuck in a chicken. Yes, I love Bruce Willis. Shane Black penned action movies are the best especially with meta lines like this. "Since it's the '90s, you don't just smack a guy in the face. You say something cool first." Speaking of which, just purchased Last Action Hero on Vudu Fandango because of Columbia's 100th anniversary sale. That movie did not deserve to flop and I'll die on that hill. "No sequel fah you!" 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Principled Man Posted January 30 Author Share Posted January 30 (edited) Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater. Edited January 30 by Principled Man 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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