Principled Man Posted August 1, 2019 Author Share Posted August 1, 2019 (edited) I went to an extremely emotional wedding and reception this past weekend. The bride was crying, the parents were crying....even the cake was in tiers. Edited August 1, 2019 by Principled Man 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nova Carmina Posted August 2, 2019 Share Posted August 2, 2019 What did one egg say to the other egg? "I can't get hard, I just got laid." 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
invisible airwave Posted August 3, 2019 Share Posted August 3, 2019 Why is August 3rd, today, national table day? Because it’s James Hetfield’s birthday. YEAH! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Three Eyes Posted August 3, 2019 Share Posted August 3, 2019 How are Rush and Rush Limbaugh similar? One sings about the way the wind blows and the other causes a wind to blow whenever he speaks. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Three Eyes Posted August 3, 2019 Share Posted August 3, 2019 Why is August 3rd, today, national table day? Because it’s James Hetfield’s birthday. YEAH! Haha. I want a Metallica/Yoko Ono collab like yesterday! Imagine Metallica aimlessly riffing under THIS abomination. Epic, I tells ya. Actually you don't have to imagine it. Just play these two videos together. For best results set the volume of the Yoko video to full and the Metallica video to about a third. Instant collab! :^) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7GMHl7bmlzw http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HnCJ3QPilD8 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tony R Posted August 3, 2019 Share Posted August 3, 2019 I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My next door neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough. l 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tony R Posted August 3, 2019 Share Posted August 3, 2019 My Mother-in- Law said, "When you're dead, I'll dance on your grave." I said: "Thanks, I'm being buried at sea. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Principled Man Posted August 3, 2019 Author Share Posted August 3, 2019 Time to eat children! [Commas are important.] 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Principled Man Posted August 5, 2019 Author Share Posted August 5, 2019 Playboy magazine publisher Hugh Hefner stopped an order of monks from operating a business on his property.The police came and forced the monks to close down their stall, which was just outside the Playboy mansion, where they had been selling roses. Said one monk: "Well, if it was anyone else, we may have gotten away with it. Only Hugh can prevent florist friars." 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Principled Man Posted August 6, 2019 Author Share Posted August 6, 2019 I liken "thoughts and prayers" to writing three "Our Fathers" on a Mylar balloon, releasing it into the air, watching it pop, fall back to earth, and choking a baby seal. -- Deep Thoughts (and Prayers), by Jack Handy 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Principled Man Posted August 8, 2019 Author Share Posted August 8, 2019 How do you make Holy Water? -- You take some water and you boil the Hell out of it. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jack Aubrey Posted August 8, 2019 Share Posted August 8, 2019 I recently attended a conference where the main speaker informed us that he was going to give a speech on humility but decided to save it for a larger audience. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Principled Man Posted August 9, 2019 Author Share Posted August 9, 2019 At a garage sale today, I saw an old-fashioned radio with a sale sign on it. "Only $2 dollars. Volume stuck on full." I just had to buy it. I couldn't turn it down. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Principled Man Posted August 12, 2019 Author Share Posted August 12, 2019 (edited) Her: Do you have any children? Him: Yes, I have one that's just under two. Her: I may be a blonde, but I know how much one is. Edited August 12, 2019 by Principled Man 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Principled Man Posted August 14, 2019 Author Share Posted August 14, 2019 How does a rude and crude ignoramus keep a good complexion? -- Cretin-A Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
invisible airwave Posted August 14, 2019 Share Posted August 14, 2019 (edited) What did Johnny say to Mark when he asked him, “What’s the best way to listen to Grateful Dead and Pink Floyd?” What is Ozzy Osbourne’s favorite John Carpenter film? Prince of Darkness Edited August 14, 2019 by invisible airwave 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Principled Man Posted August 17, 2019 Author Share Posted August 17, 2019 Why did the cows return to the marijuana fields? The pot was calling the cattle back. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fordgalaxy Posted August 17, 2019 Share Posted August 17, 2019 (edited) I have a Russian friend who is a band's sound guy. And a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Edited August 17, 2019 by Fordgalaxy 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chicken hawk Posted August 17, 2019 Share Posted August 17, 2019 What do you say when you meet a "Space man" ? PARK THE CAR 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Principled Man Posted August 19, 2019 Author Share Posted August 19, 2019 Broccoli! Cauliflower!! BROCCOLI! CAULIFLOWER!! Sorry .... I have Florettes... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HemiBeers Posted August 20, 2019 Share Posted August 20, 2019 A wife was arrested for beating her husband with his guitars. The judge asked her "First Offender?" She said "No, first a Gibson, then a Fender." 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Three Eyes Posted August 24, 2019 Share Posted August 24, 2019 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Three Eyes Posted August 30, 2019 Share Posted August 30, 2019 "A friend of mine has a trophy wife, but apparently it wasn't first place." ~Steven Wright 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Three Eyes Posted August 30, 2019 Share Posted August 30, 2019 http://www.quickmeme.com/img/c1/c15f8304254862ada95fded70922d324162b84bbad01bee59bb8c56ec15fceed.jpg 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fordgalaxy Posted August 30, 2019 Share Posted August 30, 2019 I saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall and I yelled at him. He said something that I couldn't make out, but I bet he was a little condescending. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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