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Posted (edited)

I went to an extremely emotional wedding and reception this past weekend.

 

The bride was crying, the parents were crying....even the cake was in tiers.

Edited by Principled Man
  • Like 6
Posted

Why is August 3rd, today, national table day?

 

Because it’s James Hetfield’s birthday. YEAH!

 

Haha.

 

i-am-the-table_o_2914977.jpg

 

I want a Metallica/Yoko Ono collab like yesterday! Imagine Metallica aimlessly riffing under THIS abomination. Epic, I tells ya. Actually you don't have to imagine it. Just play these two videos together. For best results set the volume of the Yoko video to full and the Metallica video to about a third. Instant collab! :^)

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7GMHl7bmlzw

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HnCJ3QPilD8

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Posted

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My next door neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.

 

l

  • Like 6
Posted

My Mother-in- Law said, "When you're dead, I'll dance on your grave." I said: "Thanks, I'm being buried at sea.

 

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Posted

Time to eat children!

 

 

 

[Commas are important.]

  • Like 5
Posted

Playboy magazine publisher Hugh Hefner stopped an order of monks from operating a business on his property.

The police came and forced the monks to close down their stall, which was just outside the Playboy mansion, where they had been selling roses.

 

Said one monk: "Well, if it was anyone else, we may have gotten away with it. Only Hugh can prevent florist friars."

  • Like 3
Posted

I liken "thoughts and prayers" to writing three "Our Fathers" on a Mylar balloon, releasing it into the air, watching it pop, fall back to earth, and choking a baby seal.

 

 

 

-- Deep Thoughts (and Prayers), by Jack Handy

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Posted

How do you make Holy Water?

 

 

-- You take some water and you boil the Hell out of it.

  • Like 3
Posted
I recently attended a conference where the main speaker informed us that he was going to give a speech on humility but decided to save it for a larger audience.
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Posted

At a garage sale today, I saw an old-fashioned radio with a sale sign on it.

 

"Only $2 dollars. Volume stuck on full."

 

 

 

I just had to buy it. I couldn't turn it down.

  • Like 6
Posted (edited)

Her: Do you have any children?

 

Him: Yes, I have one that's just under two.

 

Her: I may be a blonde, but I know how much one is.

Edited by Principled Man
  • Like 3
Posted

How does a rude and crude ignoramus keep a good complexion?

 

 

-- Cretin-A

Posted (edited)

What did Johnny say to Mark when he asked him, “What’s the best way to listen to Grateful Dead and Pink Floyd?”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

giphy.gif

 

What is Ozzy Osbourne’s favorite John Carpenter film?

 

Prince of Darkness

Edited by invisible airwave
  • Like 1
Posted

Why did the cows return to the marijuana fields?

 

 

 

The pot was calling the cattle back.

  • Like 3
Posted

Broccoli! Cauliflower!! BROCCOLI! CAULIFLOWER!!

 

 

 

 

Sorry .... I have Florettes...

Posted

A wife was arrested for beating her husband with his guitars.

 

The judge asked her "First Offender?"

 

She said "No, first a Gibson, then a Fender."

  • Like 6
Posted
I saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall and I yelled at him. He said something that I couldn't make out, but I bet he was a little condescending.
  • Like 5

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