Powerful Rush moment the morning my father died a week ago

[BloodofTheZodiac]

So my father was diagnosed with stage 4 bladder cancer in early April. He hadn't gone for a pee in 4 days and thought that was very strange. He had no pain, but went to his doctor to see what is happening. Sure enough there was a tumour that they removed and test results came back and it was cancerous.

 

They started radiation therapy and all seemed to be going smooth. I took my mother out for lunch on Mother's day, and she told me that the cancer has spread to his kidneys and a bit to his lungs. That was a few days before he was suppose to start chemo. So they had to postpone that to do radiation on his kidneys and lungs. I was going to my parents at least every 2 weeks and each time, he was smaller and smaller with less energy. His spirits were still good though and was confident he was gonna beat this, despite knowing it was going to be a long haul. So they did radiation and then continued chemo.

 

So in early June....he ended up getting a lump on his chest, right where his heart is. It grew very fast and within 2 weeks was the size of my fist. They had to stop doing chemo and do radiation on that tumour now.

 

When I saw him in mid June, he looked even worse than when I saw him a week and a half prior. He would go from taking a nap in his room for a couple hours, to going to the washroom and to the lazy boy for a nap and then back to his room. Since April, he had a catheter attached to him as well, which was really annoying and difficult for him to deal with.

 

So anyways...fast forward to 2 weeks ago today when my mom sent an email to all my dad's side of the family including me, and it basically said things are not going well and radiation and chemo aren't working and the doctors aren't very optimistic about anything, along with a few other details. On the Tuesday, he started getting a severe pain in his left shoulder, his ankles were swelling and he was having trouble breathing. So my mother rushed him to the hospital. My mother told me as she was backing out of the parking lot that he said..."I think this is the last time I'm going to see the house". He was right. His form of cancer was a rare form of squamous cell. They were going to do a guinea pig test through the government, but he was getting very weak and his face and body were deteriorating at an alarming rate.

 

2 weeks ago tomorrow, my brother came back home from being in British Columbia for a year and 9 months cuz he knew dad was not well at all. He went and saw him on the Saturday with my mom and completely broke down. Hasn't seen him in that long and then has to see him in that state. I went with my mother on the Sunday and my mother warned me that he looks even worse than last time I saw him. The moment I walked in that hospital room, I knew the end was near. He had 2 litres of water drained from his lungs earlier that day caused by the chest tumour. He was able to eat a bit of ice cream, and talk a bit with a raspy voice. He was on morphine and some other stuff, so he was out of it most of the visit. Little did I know, that would be my last conversation with him where he can actually talk back. When it was time to leave, I hugged him, told him I loved him and he said it back. As I was walking away I looked back once more and he was looking at me with a blank stare. When I got to the elevator, I turned back cuz I had a strong feeling he might die that night. I went over, held his hand, kissed his forehead and told him to stay strong, and I will see you soon, hopefully at home.

 

My mom went and saw him the next day and then ordered the family all to go see him on Tuesday. I finished work and went to the hospital. My sister, brother and mother were already there and my dad was being taken to a private room(really bad sign).

 

So the moment we were allowed to see him, we all just cried and cried. He was hooked up to 5 machines and all he could do was move his eyes and his right arm a bit. It was the saddest most difficult thing I along with my family have ever witnessed. A priest came and we all held hands and did a prayer. We were basically just waiting for him to go anytime now. We had family moments with him in that room and private moments at different time throughout the night and early morning. We had a family room across the hall that was reserved for us. It was the longest night of my life. Nurses kept telling us how much of a gentleman he was that entire week. He never complained about anything they needed to do, even though a lot of those things were uncomfortable, such as being poked and prodded with needles, etc...

 

So here's the powerful moment I had with my father and Rush. During my 4th or 5th private moment with him, at about 3am, still awake and still able to hear me talking(hearing is the last sense to go). I asked him to squeeze my hand, and he squeezed very hard, and he still had the strength, but just couldn't physically move or talk. He would try so hard to say stuff back, but it was impossible to understand. So I told him I'm gonna play a song for him, and he kind of smiled. I wanted to play Bob Seger, but didn't have any on my phone. He always loved Bob Seger and saw him many times in Detroit when my dad lived in Windsor in the late 70's. He knows my favorite band is Rush and my dad always liked them too.

 

For some reason, I wanted it to be a kind of sad sounding song with appropriate lyrics for that sad moment in our lives. So I turned off the light, and had the door open about 6 inches so there was some 'Available Light' coming into the room. So of course I put that song on, and he had a little smile on his face, and I could tell he was enjoying the sounds of music, rather than hearing voices and the sounds of silence for the last few days. I cried and stared out the window during the whole song while holding the phone close to his ear. It was a very sad, but very powerful moment for me(I'm crying as I write this now), and I can't help but feel like every time I hear that song for the rest of my life, I'm going to cry.

 

I also played him 'The Garden' and of course 'Tom Sawyer' which he told me was the band Rush when I asked him who the band was when I first heard it on the radio when I was really young on the way to one of my hockey games.

 

Throughout that long night and morning, I told my father everything I ever had to say to him. It made me feel sad for him to know that his son couldn't understand what he was trying to say to me. There was one thing that he kept trying to say, but it came out as a very soft whisper that I simply couldn't not process, even with my ear right up to his mouth. I felt sooooooo bad. I told him he doesn't need to say anything and that this is his journey. One of the regrets I told him I have is not making him a grandfather, cuz he always wanted to be one. He smiled when I said that and told him I promise I will try to have a son and carry on the family name.

 

He passed away at approximately 7:17am on Wednesday, July 24th with his 2 sons, daughter and wife by his side. That moment when it became official and they pulled the oxygen tubes out of his nose left me gutted and empty inside. I hugged my mother and then looked at my sister and brother and we just couldn't believe this was the day his life came to an end. You can never prepare yourself for the day it actually happens. Having that one final look at his physical body and face was sad. Knowing I will never see him again except in pictures just tore me up inside. He was 56 and a half years old to the day. My dad's father died when he was 28, and my father dies and I'm 28. He was the youngest of 5 children, and he's the first to die. I told my mother I needed alone time at home and needed sleep badly. I had been up since 4am the day before and worked a 10 and a half hour shift and by the time I actually got in my own bed, it had been 32 hours I was awake. I got home and I was alone and I just looked at myself in the mirror and cried. I was in shock that this day had arrived so early in mine and my fathers life.

 

It's been the most difficult and empty feeling week I have ever gone through, but I'm doing quite okay, as is my family. It was just a very unwelcomed and traumatizing turn of events in such a short amount of time that hit my family so hard. I'm not so sad that I no longer have a father as I am sad for him not being able to do everything he enjoys anymore. I'm a man of my own now and don't necessarily need a father figure anymore, as much as I still wish he was here. It's just so hurtful that he doesn't get to do what he enjoys. No more BBQ'ing. Mo more working on his garden. No more whiskey or beer. No more visiting his brothers and having them come visit him. No more going to hockey games or concerts. I went to see Kiss the day after he died, and it was difficult, cuz we were gonna go together, and he had the same passion of going to concerts as I do. The opening band Shinedown did an amazing acoustic version of 'Simple Man' by Lynyrd Skynyrd and of course tears were rolling.

 

He was the man that raised me, and spent endless amounts of money on hockey equipment throughout the years. He taught me how to play sports. He coached me in hockey and baseball for a few years in each sport. He taught me how to fish. He was a mentor, my best friend, and the man who taught me everything I need to know about life and the struggles it can offer. I'm glad I was able to get to know him throughout my teenage years and young adult life, which are the years that you truly get to know your parents.

 

I apologize for writing so much detail and making it so long. He's in a better place now, and no longer has to deal with his ailing body and mind. I will see him on the other side. Thanks for reading and Rush on!!

 

I love you and miss you "Butch"(his nick name)

 

RIP Dad - 1957 - 2013

 

This is possibly the last photo of just us

 

http://i20.photobucket.com/albums/b230/Gorbz/IMG_5807.jpg?t=1375392316

 

Father and his children(I'm the one in the blue pj's)

http://i20.photobucket.com/albums/b230/Gorbz/IMG_5805.jpg

 

The 2 of us in 1999 when I was only 14

http://i20.photobucket.com/albums/b230/Gorbz/IMG_5806.jpg

 

My mother and father a few years ago

http://i20.photobucket.com/albums/b230/Gorbz/IMG_5353.jpg

Edited August 2, 2013 by BloodofTheZodiac

[drbirdsong]

[Mika]

Aw, that's such a moving story. I'm so sad that your dad passed on so young, but happy that you were able to be there with him and share last moments with him. That's very sweet about 'Available Light'... what an appropriate song, and I'm sure you'll think of your dad every time you hear that song!

 

Best wishes to you and your family.

[Ghost of a Rider]

Sounds like he was quite a guy. My thoughts are with you.

[crimsonfrippy]

 

I am so very sorry for your loss. If you want to send me a pm please feel free to do so.

 

Lost my dad earlier this year but under different circumstances. Know what you are going through.

 

Take care,

 

frippy

[Bluefunk]

 

I'm sure he must have been really proud of you. What a truly moving account, I'm glad you got to know your dad.

[Pags]

Very moved, and brought back many memories of when I lost my mother. I wish you and your family the best.

[Jeffrey]

A moving story...I sincerely send you my sympathies. I will listen to Available Light and The Garden tonight in his honor.

[umoveme]

So sorry for your loss. I know what you went through and what you are feeling.

Peace to you.

[Rod in Toronto]

Really sorry about your loss. And thanks for sharing, that was a great story. My condolences to you and your family.

[BloodofTheZodiac]

Thanks for the kind words everyone. I appreciate it!!

[Amy Farrah Fowler]

So, so very sorry for your loss. Music is an amazing thing.

[Babycat]

That's such a moving account. I have tears in my eyes right now. I hardly know what to say, except that I know you loved him very much and he was obviously your best friend. The part about Available Light is very sweet.

 

Before my father-in-law died, he had lost a lot of weight and he'd been hooked up to a catheter, and we thought it was Cancer and it wasn't. But it was so heartbreaking to see him look so weak and thin. He'd gone from fit and healthy to kind of skin and bones in less than six months. When he died, he was six months short of 90.

 

My thoughts, condolences and prayers are with you and your family. If you need to tall, PM me.

 

[The Analog Grownup]

Thank you for sharing your story with us. It was very touching to read, having lost my own father to cancer last year. I can relate so much to what you've been through and the hard times that lies ahead. If I in anyway can help, feel free to reach out and pm me.

 

Next time I listen to The Garden and Available Light I will think of you and your dad. My thoughts and prayers are with you!

[BloodofTheZodiac]

Thanks to everyone for offering to pm them if I want to talk. My therapy is just talking about it with friends and co workers, and sharing this experience with Rush fans(a special family). I don't mind talking about it. It's not about asking for sympathy or anything, but it feels good to have people know what I and my family went through. Families around the world go through this everyday. I'm not alone in this. I just pray none of you have to see a family member or friend go through what my father went through.

[Babycat]

Thanks to everyone for offering to pm them if I want to talk. My therapy is just talking about it with friends and co workers, and sharing this experience with Rush fans(a special family). I don't mind talking about it. It's not about asking for sympathy or anything, but it feels good to have people know what I and my family went through. Families around the world go through this everyday. I'm not alone in this. I just pray none of you have to see a family member or friend go through what my father went through.

 

[Pars123]

I'm so so so sorry for your loss! That was a very touching story and please be strong. He sounded like a great friend, man and father. My prayers go out to you and your family!

[Lerxster]

I'm sorry for your and your family's loss. Beautifully expressed, with love and tribute.

 

I had similar circumstances in 2002, so I understand. One line from Vapor Trails stood out to me during that time-

 

Have you lived a lifetime today -Or do you feel like you just got carried away?

 

Bless you all. Peace be with you brother.

[jfauser]

"May your hands always be busy 

May your feet always be swift

May you have a strong foundation 

When the winds of changes shift

May your heart always be joyful

And may your song always be sung

May you stay forever young"

 

All I really have to say. Interesting how someone can really touch us without ever knowing them.

 

[pony2112]

Thanks for sharing your personal and wonderful story. May God grant your family comfort.

[Hemisteers]

Thank you so much for posting this. I am going through losing my grandmother. She is suffering everyday and I just hope I get a chance to say goodbye like you did with your dad. Please take care of yourself and I wish you the best

[RushCanuck]

I'm sorry for your loss. Your story brought back memories of when I lost my beloved Dad. As you said, some day when we go to the other side, we'll see our fathers again.

[Lorraine]

Blood of the Zodiac, my heart goes out to you. It was very kind of you to share this with us. You are fortunate to have been able to tell your father many things before he died that others never get the chance to do.

 

Prayers for you and your family.

 

By the way, you look just like your mother! A beautiful family. Thanks for posting the pictures too.

 

[hcm]

So sorry for your loss

[hcm]

Glad you got a chance to say goodbye Edited August 2, 2013 by hcm