Men!

[barbara.agi]

Men Sucks!

 

[1-0-0-1-0-0-1]

QUOTE (barbara.agi @ Jul 12 2006, 11:08 AM)

Men Sucks!

Interesting first post. Welcome!

[sullysue]

QUOTE (1-0-0-1-0-0-1 @ Jul 12 2006, 11:03 AM)

QUOTE (barbara.agi @ Jul 12 2006, 11:08 AM) Men Sucks! Interesting first post. Welcome!   Yeah, welcome!

[Maddy]

QUOTE (sullysue @ Jul 12 2006, 11:07 AM)

QUOTE (1-0-0-1-0-0-1 @ Jul 12 2006, 11:03 AM) QUOTE (barbara.agi @ Jul 12 2006, 11:08 AM) Men Sucks! Interesting first post. Welcome!   Yeah, welcome! Right now I'm rather inclined to agree with that sentiment...   And yes, welcome!

[porthleven's rose]

 

 

 

oh yes,I agree with that!!!

[daveyt]

QUOTE (Kid_Gloves @ Jul 1 2006, 04:29 PM)

My boyfriend is great, but even he has his stupid man moments. For example: God forbid he take me out to dinner or we go on a real date. But then he spends $100 on fireworks... Go and figure that one.

it makes him happy vs a woman's "entitlements"

[ladirushfan80]

Manisms

 

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

 

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:

(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.

( The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.

© After wrecking your boss's car.

(d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".

(e) When she is using her teeth.

 

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

 

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

 

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

 

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

 

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

 

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

 

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

 

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

 

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

 

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

 

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

 

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

 

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

 

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

 

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

 

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

 

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

 

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

 

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:

a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!

C'mon, give me one more! Harder!

c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

 

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

 

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

 

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

 

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

 

26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

 

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

 

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.

 

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:

 

"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

 

"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!"

 

We hope this clears up any confusion,

 

The International Council of Manhood, Ltd.

[porthleven's rose]

Brilliant!!!

[ladirushfan80]

>Eve's Side of the Story

>

>After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to

>visit Eve. "So, how is everything going?" inquired

>God.

>

>"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The

>sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells,

>the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just

>one problem. It's these breasts you have given me.

>The middle one pushes the other two out and I am

>constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them

>on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a

>real pain," reported Eve.

>And Eve went on to tell God that since many other

>parts of her body came in pairs, such as her

>limbs, eyes, ears,........she felt that having only

>two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically

>balanced."

>

>"That's a fair point," replied God, "But it was my

>first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six

>breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of

>those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up

>right away."

>

>And God reached down, removed the middle breast and

>tossed it into the bushes.

>

>Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in

>the Garden of Eden "Well, Eve, how is my favorite

>creation?"

>

>"Just fantastic," she replied, "But for one oversight.

>You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has

>a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals

>have a mate except me. I feel so alone."

>

>God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you

>are right. How could I have overlooked this? You

>do need a mate and I will immediately create a man

>from a part of you. Now let's see..........where did I

>put the useless boob?"

>

[sundog]

[Maddy]

QUOTE (ladirushfan80 @ Jul 28 2006, 06:36 AM)

>Eve's Side of the Story > >After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to >visit Eve. "So, how is everything going?" inquired >God. > >"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The >sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, >the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just >one problem. It's these breasts you have given me. >The middle one pushes the other two out and I am >constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them >on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a >real pain," reported Eve. >And Eve went on to tell God that since many other >parts of her body came in pairs, such as her >limbs, eyes, ears,........she felt that having only >two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically >balanced." > >"That's a fair point," replied God, "But it was my >first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six >breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of >those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up >right away." > >And God reached down, removed the middle breast and >tossed it into the bushes. > >Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in >the Garden of Eden "Well, Eve, how is my favorite >creation?" > >"Just fantastic," she replied, "But for one oversight. >You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has >a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals >have a mate except me. I feel so alone." > >God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you >are right. How could I have overlooked this? You >do need a mate and I will immediately create a man >from a part of you. Now let's see..........where did I >put the useless boob?" >

 

That is priceless...

[*Limelight*]

[Maddy]

Actually, I wouldn't mind an Xbox for Christmas...

 

This coming from someone who asked for a set of Dremel toolheads one year and a set of ergonomic beading/woreworking pliers the next...

 

Uh - WIREworking. Yeah, I can type...

Edited July 28, 2006 by Maddy

[sundog]

QUOTE

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large >raging violent river. Needing to get on the other side, the first man >prayed, "God, please give me the strength to cross the river." > > > Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim >across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice. > > > After witnessing that, the second man prayed, "God, please give me >strength and the tools to cross the river." > > > Poof! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he >was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once. > > > Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed, >"God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross >the river. > > > Poof! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one >hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.

 

Edited July 29, 2006 by sundog

[Daylin]

QUOTE (sundog @ Jul 29 2006, 07:38 AM)

QUOTE Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large >raging violent river. Needing to get on the other side, the first man >prayed, "God, please give me the strength to cross the river." > > > Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim >across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice. > > > After witnessing that, the second man prayed, "God, please give me >strength and the tools to cross the river." > > > Poof! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he >was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once. > > > Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed, >"God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross >the river. > > > Poof! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one >hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.

[CeeJ]

Hope you enjoy this one ladies!!!

 

 

For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free. Here's an update for you: Now days, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.

 

Men are like....

 

1. Men are like ..Laxatives ...... They irritate the crap out of you.

2. Men are like. .. Bananas ...... The older they get, the less firm they are.

3. Men are like ......Weather . Nothing can be done to change them.

4. Men are like ......Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why.

5. Men are like .....Chocolate Bars ... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

6. Men are like ..Commercials ....... You can't believe a word they say.

7. Men are like ... Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.

8. Men are like ..... Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.

9. Men are like ..... Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

10. Men are like . .. Popcorn ..... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

11. Men are like ... Snowstorms .... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

12. Men are like .......Lava Lamps .... Fun to look at, but not very bright.

13. Men are like ... Parking Spots . All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

[Trance]

 

 

I actually laughed at some of those

[CeeJ]

QUOTE (CeeJ @ Aug 2 2006, 10:34 PM)

Hope you enjoy this one ladies!!! For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free. Here's an update for you: Now days, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage. Men are like.... 1. Men are like ..Laxatives ...... They irritate the crap out of you. 2. Men are like. .. Bananas ...... The older they get, the less firm they are. 3. Men are like ......Weather . Nothing can be done to change them. 4. Men are like ......Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why. 5. Men are like .....Chocolate Bars ... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips. 6. Men are like ..Commercials ....... You can't believe a word they say. 7. Men are like ... Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off. 8. Men are like ..... Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature. 9. Men are like ..... Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion. 10. Men are like . .. Popcorn ..... They satisfy you, but only for a little while. 11. Men are like ... Snowstorms .... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last. 12. Men are like .......Lava Lamps .... Fun to look at, but not very bright. 13. Men are like ... Parking Spots . All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

Necro = 1,3,4,5,8,12 ...

 

13 though cause I will never give him up!!!

[ladirushfan80]

The Perfect Husband

Several men are in the locker room of a golf country club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

 

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2006 models. I saw one I really liked"

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .... The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're only asking $950,000"

MAN: "Well, go ahead and make them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

 

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....

 

He smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

 

 

[Rolinda Bonz]

QUOTE (ladirushfan80 @ Aug 3 2006, 04:32 AM)

The Perfect Husband Several men are in the locker room of a golf country club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. MAN: "Hello" WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?" MAN: "Yes" WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?" MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much." WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2006 models. I saw one I really liked" MAN: "How much?" WOMAN: "$90,000" MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .... The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're only asking $950,000" MAN: "Well, go ahead and make them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand." WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!" MAN: "Bye! I love you, too." The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape..... He smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

[Kid_Gloves]

QUOTE (CeeJ @ Aug 2 2006, 09:34 PM)

Hope you enjoy this one ladies!!! For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free. Here's an update for you: Now days, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage. Men are like.... 1. Men are like ..Laxatives ...... They irritate the crap out of you. 2. Men are like. .. Bananas ...... The older they get, the less firm they are. 3. Men are like ......Weather . Nothing can be done to change them. 4. Men are like ......Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why. 5. Men are like .....Chocolate Bars ... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips. 6. Men are like ..Commercials ....... You can't believe a word they say. 7. Men are like ... Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off. 8. Men are like ..... Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature. 9. Men are like ..... Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion. 10. Men are like . .. Popcorn ..... They satisfy you, but only for a little while. 11. Men are like ... Snowstorms .... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last. 12. Men are like .......Lava Lamps .... Fun to look at, but not very bright. 13. Men are like ... Parking Spots . All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

[The_Enemy_Within]

QUOTE (Kid_Gloves @ Aug 4 2006, 01:21 AM)

QUOTE (CeeJ @ Aug 2 2006, 09:34 PM) Hope you enjoy this one ladies!!! For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free.  Here's an update for you: Now days, 80% of women are against marriage,  WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get  a little sausage. Men are like.... 1. Men are  like ..Laxatives  ...... They  irritate the crap out of you. 2. Men are like. ..  Bananas ......  The older they get, the less firm they are. 3. Men are like  ......Weather .  Nothing can be done to change them. 4. Men are like ......Blenders  You need One, but you're not quite sure why. 5. Men are like  .....Chocolate Bars  ... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips. 6. Men  are like ..Commercials  ....... You can't believe a word they say. 7. Men are like  ...  Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off. 8. Men  are like ..... Government Bonds  .... They take soooooooo long to mature. 9. Men are like  ..... Mascara . They usually  run at the first sign of emotion. 10. Men are like . .. Popcorn ..... They satisfy  you, but only for a little while. 11. Men are like  ...  Snowstorms  .... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long  it will last. 12. Men are like .......Lava Lamps  .... Fun to look at, but not very bright. 13. Men are like  ...  Parking Spots . All the good ones are taken,  the rest are handicapped.

[ladirushfan80]

SEX IN THE DARK--

 

 

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time

they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

 

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she

would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were

in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the

lights. She looked down, and saw her husband was holding a

battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger

than a real one.

 

She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at

him, how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain

yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:

 

I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."

[blonde77th]

QUOTE (ladirushfan80 @ Aug 8 2006, 08:31 AM)

SEX IN THE DARK-- There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down, and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!" The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."

Oh yes explain

[chaotica]

QUOTE (ladirushfan80 @ Aug 8 2006, 08:31 AM)

SEX IN THE DARK-- There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down, and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!" The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."

 

 

ouch..... wouldn't want to be that woman!