Men!

[DonnaWanna]

Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his

ashes home.

 

Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on The Patio

table.

Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to

him...."Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with

the insurance money!"

 

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said,

"Herman, remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the

insurance money!"

 

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the

ashes she said, "Herman, that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too,

with the insurance money!"

 

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said, "Herman

remember that blow job I promised you

Here it comes.............

 

 

[CeeJ]

QUOTE (DonnaWanna @ Sep 19 2006, 01:22 PM)

Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on The Patio table. Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him...."Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!" She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, "Herman, remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!" Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, "Herman, that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!" Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said, "Herman remember that blow job I promised you Here it comes.............

 

So bad yet funny shit!!!

 

[Cygnus]

One day, me being a housework-challenged husband, I decided to wash my sweat-shirt. Seconds after I stepped into the laundry room, I shouted to my wife

 

"What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," She replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

 

 

I yelled back, "University of Florida."

 

 

[Alsgalpal]

[blonde77th]

QUOTE (Cygnus @ Sep 20 2006, 11:30 AM)

One day, me being a housework-challenged husband, I decided to wash my sweat-shirt. Seconds after I stepped into the laundry room, I shouted to my wife "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," She replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" I yelled back, "University of Florida."

So true

[Daylin]

[Maddy]

QUOTE (blonde77th @ Sep 20 2006, 11:00 AM)

QUOTE (Cygnus @ Sep 20 2006, 11:30 AM) One day, me being a housework-challenged husband, I decided to wash my sweat-shirt.  Seconds after I stepped into the laundry room, I shouted to my wife "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," She replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" I yelled back, "University of Florida." So true Back in college, I found myself giving one of the hottest guys on campus - laundry lessons. (What? What did you think I was going to say? ) Well, I showed him how to separate lights and darks, which he did - and then started shoving everything in the same washer.   Me: You have to wash them separately. That's why you sort.   Him: Does this mean I have to use TWO machines?   I don't know about these guys sometimes...

[blonde77th]

Is normal i tell yah

[Cygnus]

Did this guy survive the equal rights rally?

 

 

 

 

 

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v703/RushForum/iron_my_shirt.jpg

[-D-RocK-]

Yep, men.....we're either pigs or dogs. Me? I'm a pigdog.

[Cygnus]

Dear Abby,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.

 

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs... Phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."

 

I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive, although I can hear a car setting off, as if she has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi?

 

I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.

 

Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.

 

I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson Lowrider next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she comes home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my Harley, that I noticed that the rocker boxes on my engine seem to be leaking a little oil.

 

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?

 

Thanks,

 

Harley Rider

 

[Daylin]

QUOTE (Cygnus @ Sep 25 2006, 10:55 AM)

Dear Abby, I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs... Phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them." I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive, although I can hear a car setting off, as if she has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi? I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her. Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson Lowrider next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she comes home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my Harley, that I noticed that the rocker boxes on my engine seem to be leaking a little oil. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer? Thanks, Harley Rider

Nice 'punch line'.....

 

Cygnus

[treeduck]

QUOTE (Cygnus @ Sep 25 2006, 10:55 AM)

Dear Abby, I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs... Phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them." I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive, although I can hear a car setting off, as if she has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi? I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her. Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson Lowrider next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she comes home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my Harley, that I noticed that the rocker boxes on my engine seem to be leaking a little oil. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer? Thanks, Harley Rider

Damn I was just getting into the story there for a sec...

 

[Cygnus]

A guy was invited to an old friends' home for dinner.

 

His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her

Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

 

The guy was impressed since he knew the couple had been married almost

70 years, and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy,

"I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still

call your wife those pet names."

 

His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten

years ago."

[Maddy]

QUOTE (Cygnus @ Oct 2 2006, 01:20 PM)

A guy was invited to an old friends' home for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The guy was impressed since he knew the couple had been married almost 70 years, and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names." His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago."

I think my ex forgot my name after the second date - I was always "Hey you."

[ladirushfan80]

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they

are in love.

 

 

 

One day they decide that they want to get married, so BRUCE goes to Jenny's

father to ask him for her hand.

 

BRUCE bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love

and I want to ask you for her hand in

marriage."

 

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well,

BRUCE, you are only 10, where will you two live ?"

 

Without even taking a moment to think about it, BRUCE replies, "In Jenny's

room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

 

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin,

"Okay then how will you live ?

You're not old enough to get a job.

You'll need to support Jenny."

 

Again, BRUCE! instantly replies, "Our allowance.. Jenny makes 5 bucks a

week and I make 10 bucks a week.That's about 60 bucks a month and that

should do us just fine."

 

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that BRUCE has put so much

thought into this. He thinks for a moment trying to come up with something

that BRUCE won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well,

BRUCE, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have

one more question for you."

 

"What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"

 

BRUCE just shrugs his shoulders and says

"Well, we've been lucky so far....."

 

Mr. Smith doesn't think the little shit is so adorable anymore.

 

**Just LIKE a Father...**

[ladirushfan80]

Headache Remedy

 

A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed

When his wife complained, as usual," I have a headache."

"Perfect," her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering

My penis with aspirin.

You can take it orally, or as a suppository ......... it's up to

You."

[Daylin]

QUOTE (ladirushfan80 @ Oct 5 2006, 06:00 AM)

Headache Remedy A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed When his wife complained, as usual," I have a headache." "Perfect," her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering My penis with aspirin. You can take it orally, or as a suppository ......... it's up to You."

 

[Cygnus]

A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

 

The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?"

 

"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the bum said.

 

"Will you use it to gamble?"

 

"I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive."

 

"Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?"

 

"Are you NUTS! I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

 

The man said, "Well, I'm not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife." The bum was astounded.

 

"Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."

 

The man replied, "Hey, man, that's OK! I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up drinking, gambling, and golf!"

[Daylin]

QUOTE (Cygnus @ Oct 5 2006, 12:19 PM)

A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?" "No, I stopped drinking years ago," the bum said. "Will you use it to gamble?" "I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive." "Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?" "Are you NUTS! I haven't played golf in 20 years!" The man said, "Well, I'm not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife." The bum was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad." The man replied, "Hey, man, that's OK! I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up drinking, gambling, and golf!"

 

[blonde77th]

QUOTE (Daylin @ Oct 8 2006, 10:01 AM)

QUOTE (Cygnus @ Oct 5 2006, 12:19 PM) A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?" "No, I stopped drinking years ago," the bum said. "Will you use it to gamble?" "I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive." "Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?" "Are you NUTS! I haven't played golf in 20 years!" The man said, "Well, I'm not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife." The bum was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad." The man replied, "Hey, man, that's OK! I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up drinking, gambling, and golf!"

[Cygnus]

A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.

"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?"

"I've been to the pub," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few.

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

[Daylin]

QUOTE (Cygnus @ Oct 10 2006, 09:40 AM)

A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?" "I've been to the pub," slurs the drunk. "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few. "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

 

[blonde77th]

QUOTE (Daylin @ Oct 10 2006, 10:47 AM)

QUOTE (Cygnus @ Oct 10 2006, 09:40 AM) A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?" "I've been to the pub," slurs the drunk. "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few. "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

[sundog]

A woman, in her fifties, is at home happily

jumping unclothed, on her bed and squealing

with delight. Her husband watches her for a

while and asks, "Do you have any idea how

ridiculous you look? What's the matter with

you?"

 

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and

says, "I don't care what you think. I just

came from having a mammogram and the doctor

says that not only am I healthy, but I have

the breasts of an 18 year-old."

 

The husband replies, "What did he say about

your 55-year old ass?"

 

"Your name never came up," she replied.