GeddyRulz Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janie Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 (edited) This guy has only, and continues to, think only of himself. I would feel pissed off to receive this message and I would be torn between giving him a much-needed earful or not giving him the time of day. His contacting her has nothing to do with this girl - her person OR her feelings. He's only doing this to clear some sort of guilty conscious. Adding.... it is a bit odd that this individual is contacting this woman now. I mean, why stir the pot? It's unnecessary. They had no past. They only went on a few dates. Edited January 17, 2012 by Janie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
librarian Posted January 18, 2012 Share Posted January 18, 2012 I would accept the apology after all this time and be sort of shocked and yet happy? (dont know what the word is) relieved? that the dude had enough respect for me to make amends like that. I wouldn't read into it any further. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
1 of the 7 Posted January 18, 2012 Share Posted January 18, 2012 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
On TheRoad To Adventure Posted January 18, 2012 Share Posted January 18, 2012 I think I would feel a bit sad at first because a lot of the old feelings would come rushing back. But then I would be happy that he finally contacted me and now I could stop wondering why he stopped calling. I would have a sense of closure, and be able to put it behind me. I would not read more into it, and I would definitely not try to contact him and revive anything. In fact, I would be suspicious and wary of what the guy might be like after all these years. Is he the kind of guy who would cheat on his wife? In that sense, it would be a bit creepy because you never really know what's going on with people who contact you online. So overall, I would treat it as a sort of "tying up of old threads" and move on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HowItIs Posted January 18, 2012 Share Posted January 18, 2012 It would definitely be a heart-breaking turn of events for an 18-yr-old, especially one who has little guidance from a man in her life of the Fatherly persuasion. I don't have to speculate on how that would feel, having been there myself. Of course, it was hurtful. Of course I was depressed and felt unloved and unworthy. But I did get over it. The 18-yr-old heart still has a lot of rubber in it. As to the contact 21 years later.... Well, if I have learned one thing in the 35 years since I was 18, it's that when you get older you sometimes have regrets that stick with you. Some things you did that you never quite got over and still feel guilty about. I have also learned that we are all hurting in some way, so the best thing we can do is be kind to everyone. As kind as we can - that might be complete forgiveness or simply a recognition. But in this case, I agree that it would bring a sense of closure to the man. And if one were able to grant that, I see no reason not to. But do so and move on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nobodys hero Posted January 18, 2012 Share Posted January 18, 2012 This scenario is similar to one I had, but I was the person wanting to make amends. I seriously thought about it and said to myself will this guy even remember me after 30+ years. Everything that happened was in the past and that's where I let it stay. There is no reason to dredge up anything that happened that long ago except to appease a guilty conscience. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
danielmclark Posted January 18, 2012 Share Posted January 18, 2012 (edited) Granted this is from a male perspective, but... If a woman from my past did this and the message was nothing more than, "hey, I'm sorry for what happened, how I treated you. Just wanted you to know." - and I felt that there was no ulterior motive or agenda, I'd respond and say, "thanks. I appreciate that." and let it go. So what if they're just trying to ease a guilty conscience? It was said earlier that this guy only cares about himself, that he's being selfish - but how selfish is it to deny him a simple "hey, that's in the past, forget about it. I've moved on, and you can too"? To me, that's far more selfish than this guy trying to reach out to another human being - even if it is to help himself. Now, if there's an ulterior motive or an agenda, if he's trying to stir things up... that's different. But if all he's doing is apologizing... be a decent person, accept the apology, and get on with your life. [edit to add...] Let's not forget, this was a relationship consisting of three dates, no sex, after which he didn't call. Not exactly a deep love that broke a heart after years of being together. Going by the description, it clearly wasn't pleasant, but care should be taken not to blow it out of proportion, IMO. Edited January 18, 2012 by danielmclark Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Queen of Megadon Posted January 18, 2012 Share Posted January 18, 2012 Of course Id be devastated at 18...hell, I'd be pretty sad if it happened to me NOW! hmm As for the reaching out, it has been said, and I agree...grant him his forgiveness, perhaps revel in the fact that you were special enough to him once that he's spent 20 years thinking of you. You have both given and received good karma. How can this be bad? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HowItIs Posted January 19, 2012 Share Posted January 19, 2012 QUOTE (Queen of Megadon @ Jan 18 2012, 11:58 AM) Of course Id be devastated at 18...hell, I'd be pretty sad if it happened to me NOW! hmm As for the reaching out, it has been said, and I agree...grant him his forgiveness, perhaps revel in the fact that you were special enough to him once that he's spent 20 years thinking of you. You have both given and received good karma. How can this be bad? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
umoveme Posted January 20, 2012 Share Posted January 20, 2012 (edited) After three nice dates, a normal reaction for an 18 year old would be to feel really hurt by him never calling again. 20 years later.......A It's kinda weird that he would make contact. B Let it go. After three, innocent dates and 20 years, I don't see what the issue is. Why is it such a dilemma? Edited January 20, 2012 by umoveme Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ya_Big_Tree Posted January 20, 2012 Share Posted January 20, 2012 Ya after 20 years... hell for me after 1 year... why do you even consider me to be still on your radar unless you want something from me. But that's just me I guess. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnnyBlaze Posted January 20, 2012 Share Posted January 20, 2012 If I were that woman I'd simply reply, "Thanks. I forgive you." It's enough. If that's all he really wanted then that'd be the end of it. If he tried to continue/meet up/etc. then that's when I'd tell him to move on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Babycat Posted January 20, 2012 Share Posted January 20, 2012 If I got that message, I'd be p*ssed off, confused and hurt all at the same time. I doubt if I'd bother to give this guy the time of day for what he'd done. After 20 years? Why now? I guess that's just me. I'm sorry. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GeddyRulz Posted January 20, 2012 Author Share Posted January 20, 2012 Last I knew, the woman still hadn't replied to the apology message, and today will be a full week since the guy sent it. I do know that he wants NOTHING from her, just a chance to apologize. I tried to make that clear in the OP. He's said what he's tried to say for the past 21 years and now he's done - whether she replies or not, and regardless of what a reply might say. He wasn't interested in a relationship with her then, and certainly not now. He tells me he doesn't even want to "friend" her on FB, and I believe it. Thanks for the responses, everyone. I told the story to a girlfriend of mine and she thought sending the message was "creepy" and that the guy had issues. I disagreed; I took the guy's side. If he can possibly right a wrong, why not? As one of you said, "good karma." Then both parties can and should move on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GeddyRulz Posted January 20, 2012 Author Share Posted January 20, 2012 Adding: Some of you have asked what the big deal is; it was only three harmless dates, no sex, no biggie. To this I can only say that you'd have to know the girl: the only child of a poor, overprotective, elderly woman; the girl had been dateless until that point, and to her those three dates probably were a VERY big deal - they may have even (in her mind) represented her first and best chance to escape mother and be free. Then he stopped calling and squashed her hope. No big deal? We think it WAS, to her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Babycat Posted January 20, 2012 Share Posted January 20, 2012 I think I know what you mean - maybe if he were to apologise and she accepted it, then that should enable them to both move on, otherwise they'd both be forever wondering "What if"... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Animate Posted May 4, 2012 Share Posted May 4, 2012 I know this is an old thread, and the situation is probably moot at this point, but still had to comment. If that is the most heartless thing your friend has ever done in a relationship, and he still feels that bad about it 20 years later, then he is fundamentally a really nice guy. I think if he told her, she would probably understand about him being young, not ready for a commitment, and making mistakes in how the situation was handled. It would probably also make her feel special that he still thinks about her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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