The Joke Thread (The Good, The Bad & The Ugly)

[The Notorious B.S.G.]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v411/bsg2112/florida01.jpg

[Cygnus]

If Dear Abby Were A Man

 

Dear Abby:

 

Q: My husband to be still pines for his old girlfriends. I'm afraid he will not be faithful.

A: A man's capacity to love is boundless. It has been proven to increase with the number of sexual partners. Thus, by having a few other women, your partner is really increasing his love for you. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, cook him a nice meal, and give him a blow job and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.

 

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.

A: This is perfectly natural behavior - and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, cook him a nice meal, and give him a blow job and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.

 

Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my sister.

A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing - your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, cook him a nice meal, and give him a blow job and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.

 

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him.

A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, cook him a nice meal, and give him a blow job.

 

Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.

A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you may wish to video tape yourself while doing this, and to sell it at car-boot sales. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive present, cook him a nice meal, and give him a blow job.

 

Q: My husband goes straight to sleep after making love - we have no time to talk.

A: Sex is an extremely difficult task for a man. Afterwards he needs rest. In fact, the more he loves you, the more hard work his love-making is, and the more rest he needs. Stop putting pressure on him. Buy him a nice, expensive present, cook him a nice meal, and give him a blow job.

 

Q: My husband's efforts at lovemaking only last 30 seconds.

A: Your husband loves you very much. He is so turned on by you that he cannot control himself. In fact, the shorter the 'effort' the more he loves you. Return this love by buying a nice, expensive present, cooking him a nice meal, and giving him a blow job.

 

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.

A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your man as much as you should - he has to work a lot to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying a nice expensive present, cooking a nice meal, and giving him a blow job.

 

Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.

A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present and don't forget to cook him a nice meal and give him a blow job.

 

[RushRevisited]

QUOTE (BSG @ Oct 7 2004, 09:32 AM)

This next one is not a joke, just a real neat "thing". I didn't want to start a new thread for it, though. It's a clock.

Gotta love the Javascripts!

[Cygnus]

http://www.top-greetings.com/v/2004/10/cheerleader.jpg

[barney_rebel]

http://www.sexyloser.com

 

some 'interesting' cartoons there... check them out.

[Snowdog]

Six Types of Sex

 

SIX TYPES OF SEX-

 

SOCIAL SECURITY SEX

 

Two men were talking. So, how's your sex life?"

 

"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."

 

"Social Security sex?"

 

"Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

LOUD SEX:

 

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."

 

"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."

 

"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

QUIET SEX:

 

Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"

 

She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

CONFOUNDED SEX

 

A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic.

 

The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for "medium, $14,000 for "large."

 

The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.

 

The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.

 

"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.

 

The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX

 

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.

 

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."

 

"Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: Here Lies My Husband -

Stiff At Last.'"

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

WOMEN'S HUMOR

 

My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight."

 

He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

One night a 87 yr old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92 yr old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor assisted living apartment...killing him instantly.

 

Brought before the court on charge of murder. The judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense.

 

She began coolly, Yes, your honor, I figured that at 92, if he could have sex...he could fly

 

[Riv]

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly

her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful... CAREFUL! Put in some

more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn

them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful...CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn

them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to

salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE

THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like to

have you sitting next to me when I'm driving."

[The Notorious B.S.G.]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v411/bsg2112/78-deadsnowman.jpg

 

Bad Hair Day I

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v411/bsg2112/141-slippage.jpg

 

Bad Hair Day II

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v411/bsg2112/107-verybadhairday.jpg

[Alsgalpal]

QUOTE (BSG @ Oct 12 2004, 05:16 PM)

Bad Hair Day I http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v411/bsg2112/141-slippage.jpg Bad Hair Day II http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v411/bsg2112/107-verybadhairday.jpg

[Snowdog]

Dear Employees:

 

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals

throughout the company have been using foul language during the course

of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received

from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language

will no longer be tolerated. We do however, realize the critical

importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when

communicating with co-workers.

 

 

 

Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases have

been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can

continue in an effective manner.

 

1) TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.

INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

 

2) TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.

INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting b__ch.

 

3) TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.

INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

 

4) TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.

INSTEAD OF: No f______ way.

 

5) TRY SAYING: Really?

INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh__ing me!

 

6) TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...

INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

 

7) TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.

INSTEAD OF: It's not my f______ problem.

 

8) TRY SAYING: That's interesting.

INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

 

9) TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.

INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.

 

10) TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.

INSTEAD OF: Why the h_! __ didn't you tell me sooner?

 

11) TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.

INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.

 

12) TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?

INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.

 

13) TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?

INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

 

14) TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.

INSTEAD OF: F___ it, I'm on salary.

 

15) TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.

INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.

 

16) TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.

INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.

 

17) TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?

INSTEAD OF: Who the h___ died and made you boss?

 

18) TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.

INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.

 

Thank You,

Human Resources

 

 

[DonnaWanna]

Football Analysis by a Blonde

 

 

A guy took his blonde girl friend to her first football game. They had

great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked

her

how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied,

"especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't

understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

 

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

 

 

"Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest

of

the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the

quarterback!" Hel-LLLO! It's only 25 cents!

 

[ladirushfan80]

Halloween moon...........

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v415/amandaladi/HALLOWEENFLASH_WITHTEXT1.jpg

[DonnaWanna]

Embarrasing first dates

 

We have all had embarrassing dates, but this takes the cake. This

just tells you how hard it is to be single nowadays. This was on the

Tonight Show with Jay Leno.

 

Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date

that a woman ever had. The winner, Marilyn, described her worst first

date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale

took the prize!!

 

Marilyn said it was midwinter...snowing and quite cold. The guy had

taken her skiing to Lake Arrowhead. It was a day trip (no overnight).

No, not Marilyn. They were strangers, after all, and truly had never

met

before.

 

The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed

home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain

when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that

extra latte.

They were about an hour away from anywhere with a restroom and in the

middle of nowhere!

 

Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for awhile.

Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a

point where she told him that he had better stop and let her pee

beside the road or it would be in the front seat of his car. They

stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants

down and started. Unfortunately, in the deep snow she didn't have

good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to

steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching

for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking.

 

All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather

embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing, however, she

soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull her pants

up, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against

the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handles

immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from

the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new

problem due to the extreme cold. Horrified by her plight and yet

aware of the humor she answered her date's concerns about "what was

taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt

off and indeed needed some assistance!" He came around the car as she

tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked

imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the

giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they

assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was,

they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take

something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!

Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first

place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her

free so, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded

to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender. As for the

Tonight Show...she took the prize hands down...or perhaps that should

be "pants down." And you thought your first date was embarrassing.

This gives a whole new meaning to being "pissed off."

 

 

 

 

 

[ladirushfan80]

WOMEN'S ENGLISH

1. Yes = No

2. No = Yes

3. Maybe = No

4. We need... = I want...

5. I am sorry = You'll be sorry

6. We need to talk = I need to complain

7. Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to

8. Do what you want = You'll pay for this later

9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron

10. Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you're dead

11. You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

12. Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs

13. Do you love me? = I am going to ask for something expensive

14. It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now

15. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

16. I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV

 

MEN'S ENGLISH

1. I am hungry = I am hungry

2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy

3. I am tired = I am tired

4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!

5. I love you = Let's have sex now

6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?

7. What's wrong? = I guess sex is out of the question

8. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you

9. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you

10. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you

11. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you

12. Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for other men to have sex with you

13. You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex

with you within the next 3 minutes

14. Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a

deep person and then I'd like to have sex with you

15. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay

 

 

 

1. NAMES

If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.

 

If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer

to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

 

2. EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

 

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

 

3. MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

 

4. BATHROOMS

A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.

A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

 

5. ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

 

6. CATS

Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

 

7. FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

 

8. SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

 

9. MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

 

10. DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

 

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

 

11. NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

 

12. OFFSPRING

Ah, children.

A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

 

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

 

13. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

[madra sneachta]

QUOTE (ladirushfan80 @ Oct 16 2004, 12:30 PM)

10. DRESSING UP A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

I resent that - I generally buy a new shirt for Christmas as well.

[Alsgalpal]

> Finally, a bumper sticker for BOTH political parties!

>

> The hottest selling bumper sticker comes from New York State:

>

> "RUN HILLARY RUN'

>

> Democrats put it on the rear bumper.

> Republicans put it on the front bumper

 

 

 

[RR's Wife]

Hillary Clinton runs into Arnold Schwarzenegger (sp?) at a political rally. She says to him, "If you were my husband, I'd put poison in your drink." Arnold replies, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

[Snowdog]

QUOTE (Alsgalpal @ Oct 16 2004, 09:26 AM)

> Finally, a bumper sticker for BOTH political parties! > > The hottest selling bumper sticker comes from New York State: > > "RUN HILLARY RUN' > > Democrats put it on the rear bumper. > Republicans put it on the front bumper

I think that might not be a joke

[Alsgalpal]

QUOTE (Snowdog @ Oct 16 2004, 09:47 AM)

QUOTE (Alsgalpal @ Oct 16 2004, 09:26 AM) >    Finally, a bumper sticker for BOTH political parties! > >      The hottest selling bumper sticker comes from New York  State: > >        "RUN HILLARY RUN' > >        Democrats put it on the rear bumper. >        Republicans put it on the front bumper I think that might not be a joke Ye, I have it PAINTED on the hood of my car...

[Emops]

[madra sneachta]

I think one of the all time classics bears repeating -

 

Lady Astor, speaking to Winston Churchill "Sir, you are drunk"

Churchill's reply "and Madam, you are ugly, but in the morning I shall be sober"

 

 

[DonnaWanna]

 

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

 

 

Lady 1: What's that?

 

 

Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

 

 

Lady 1: Where did you get it?

 

 

Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

 

 

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

 

 

The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.

 

 

"Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel."

 

 

The pharmacist fainted.

 

 

[GhostGirl]

OMG...that's FUNNY!

 

[DonnaWanna]

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person

which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in.... and then the trouble started...

[DonnaWanna]

SIGNPOSTS

 

 

 

In a Bangkok temple: "IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN."

 

Cocktail lounge, Norway: "LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR."

 

At a Budapest zoo: "PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY."

 

Doctors office, Rome: "SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

 

Hotel, Acapulco: "THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE."

 

Dry cleaners, Bangkok: "DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

 

In a Nairobi restaurant: "CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER."

 

On the grounds of a private school: "NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION."

 

On an Athi River highway: "TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE."

 

On a poster at Kencom: "ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP."

 

In a City restaurant: "OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

 

One of the Mathare buildings: "MENTAL HEALTH PREVENTION CENTRE."

 

A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer: "DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS."

 

In a Pumwani maternity ward: "NO CHILDREN ALLOWED."

 

In a cemetery: "PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES."

 

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations: "GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVI OURS IN BED."

 

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: "OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR."

 

In a Tokyo bar: "SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS."

 

Hotel brochure, Italy: "THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE. IN FACT, CROWDS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE."

 

Hotel lobby, Bucharest: "THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE."

 

Hotel elevator, Paris: "PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK."

 

Hotel, Yugoslavia: "THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID."

 

Hotel, Japan: "YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID."

 

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: "YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY."

 

Taken from a menu, Poland: "SALAD A FIRM'S OWN MAKE; LIMPID RED BEET SOUP WITH CHEESY DUMPLINGS IN THE FORM OF A FINGER; ROASTED DUCK LET LOOSE; BEEF RASHERS BEATEN IN THE COUNTRY PEOPLE'S FASHION."

 

Supermarket, Hong Kong: "FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE RECOMMEND COURTEOUS, EFFICIENT SELF-SERVICE."

 

From the "Soviet Weekly": "THERE WILL BE A MOSCOW EXHIBITION OF ARTS BY 15,000 SOVIET REPUBLIC PAINTERS AND SCULPTORS. THESE WERE EXECUTED OVER THE PAST TWO YEARS."

 

In an East African newspaper: "A NEW SWIMMING POOL IS RAPIDLY TAKING SHAPE SINCE THE CONTRACTORS HAVE THROWN IN THE BULK OF THEIR WORKERS."

 

Hotel, Vienna: "IN CASE OF FIRE , DO YOUR UTMOST TO ALARM THE HOTEL PORTER."

 

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: "IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE."

 

Hotel, Zurich: BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE."

 

An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: "TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS."

 

Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia: "TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES."

 

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand: "WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?"

 

In the window on a Swedish furrier: "FUR COATS MADE FOR LADIES FROM THEIR OWN SKIN."

 

The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: "GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE."

 

In a Swiss mountain inn: "SPECIAL TODAY -- NO ICE-CREAM."

 

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen: "WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS."

 

On the door of a Moscow hotel room: "IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO THE USSR, YOU ARE WELCOME TO IT."

 

A laundry in Rome: "LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME."