The Joke Thread (The Good, The Bad & The Ugly)

[ladirushfan80]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v415/amandaladi/email%20fun/pic24778.jpg

tiz the season and fa la la....

[Slaine mac Roth]

.After getting all of Pope John Paul's luggage loaded into the

limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is

still standing on the curb.

 

"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your

seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive

at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

 

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if

something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone

to work that morning.

 

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind

the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting

the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

" Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the

Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but

the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on

the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.

 

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a

limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," says the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"

Cop: "He's got the f***ing Pope as a chauffeur

[Slaine mac Roth]

One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip ... but there were problems everywhere.

 

Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit.

 

This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.

 

 

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

 

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whisky. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.

 

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from. Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

 

The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?"

 

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

 

 

[Slaine mac Roth]

[Rolinda Bonz]

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. He glances over a couple of seats and notices some guy with a little bitty grand piano on the bar in front of him.

The man says "Wow, it's so life-like! Where'd you get it."

The guy replies, "That's nothing. Check THIS out." Then he pulls a little bitty man about a foot tall out of his jacket, and the little man steps up to the piano and plays the most beautiful piece he has ever heard.

"Amazing!" the first man says, "But wherever did you find this?"

The guy says, "There's a genie in the bathroom granting wishes."

Without hesitation, the man jumps up and runs into the bathroom. Sure enough, there's a genie standing there with his arms folded across his chest.

"I grant you one wish." the genie says.

In his excitement, the man blurts out "I wish for a million bucks!!!"

POOF - The room is filled with ducks and feathers flying everywhere.

"Ducks!," the man cries. "Ducks! I said BUCKS....BUCKS...a million BUCKS!!!"

"Sorry." The genies replies, "I am a little hard of hearing. But you only get one wish."

Disgusted, the man returns to the bar and turns to the guy with the piano. "You know, you could have told me the genie was hard of hearing."

To which the man retorts, "Well, what did you think I asked for...a 12 inch pianist?!?"

[Trance]

[Chasartymac]

I was in a bar just about to order another pint. I challenged the landlord,

"Landlord", I said, "I bet you 100 pounds that I can piss in this pint glass and fill it to the top from 6 feet away".

Being a gambling man, and after checking that I had 100 pounds, the landlord accepted my challenge and promptly placed the pint glass on the bar 6 feet away. He then stood back, folded his arms and said "go on then sharpshooter".

Well I unzipped, unreeled, aimed very carefully and then pissed all over the bar, all over the landlord, the clean glasses, the beer pumps, the bar stools, the walls, in fact everywhere except the pint glass.

The landlord laughed loudly whilst pocketing my 100 quid and gave me a pint on the house saying, "here, have a consolation prize"

He then asked, in between wiping tears of laughter from his eyes, what on Earth had possessed me to take such a difficult challenge on?

I answered, "Well, you see those 2 guys in the corner by the pool table?"

"yes" he replied.

"Well I just bet them 300 pounds that I could piss all over you and your bar, and not only would you be happy about it, but you would probably laugh and buy me a pint".

[Chasartymac]

Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt." Now you can intellectually handle the situation.

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins: Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parent's objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out. However, after being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later remarried Ted Sherlock and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a son of nervous disposition, Chicken Schitt. Two other of the 6 children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt, and Hoarse Schitt. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Family History Recorded By Crock O. Schitt.

So now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them.

 

[Chasartymac]

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

 

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror -- make mental note -- must do more sit-ups.

4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins and minerals.

6. Wash your hair again just to make sure it's clean.

7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.

8. Wash your face with crusted apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red.

9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

10. Rinse conditioner off hair (you must make sure that it all has come off).

11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.

12. Scream loudly when your husband flushes the toilet and you lose water pressure.

13. Turn off shower.

14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.

15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super-absorbent second towel.

16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Tweeze hairs.

17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

18. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas and then sashay to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.

 

 

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:

 

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her while making the "woo-woo" sound.

3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs somewhere in there (no). Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror and scratch your ass.

4. Get in the shower.

5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one).

6. Wash your face.

7. Wash your armpits.

8. Blow your nose in your hands, then let the water just rinse it off.

9. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.

10. Spend majority of shower time washing your privates and surrounding area.

11. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs on the soap bar.

12. Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).

13. Make a shampoo Mohawk.

14. Peek out of shower curtain to look at yourself in the mirror again.

15. Pee (in the shower).

16. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor which pooled when you left the shower curtain hanging out of the tub for the entire duration of your shower.

17. Partially dry off.

18. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire wiener size again.

19. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.

20. Leave bathroom fan and light on.

21. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your wife, pull off the towel, shake wiener at her and make the "woo-woo" sound again.

22. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take two minutes to get dressed.

 

 

[Drumnut]

[Alsgalpal]

New Drugs for Women

 

D A M N I T O L

Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

 

 

 

ST. M O M M A'S W O R T

Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.

 

 

E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N

Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding

you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

 

 

P E P T O B I M B O

 

Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

 

 

D U M B E R O L

 

When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in! enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

 

 

F L I P I T O R

Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

 

 

M E N I C I L L I N

Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ..Can we get naked now?.

 

 

BUYAGRA

 

Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

 

 

J A C K A S S P I R I N

 

Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.

 

A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T

A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

 

 

 

N A G A M E N T

When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Drumnut]

QUOTE (Alsgalpal @ Dec 4 2004, 08:21 PM)

P E P T O B I M B O Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception. D U M B E R O L When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in! enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

[ladirushfan80]

Twenty Questions

 

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?

Unique Up On It

 

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?

Tame Way, Unique Up On It

 

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?

They Take The Psycho Path

 

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?

You Boil The Hell Out Of It

 

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?

Dam!

 

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?

Polaroids

 

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?

A Stick

 

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?

Nacho Cheese

 

9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?

Subordinate Clauses

 

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?

Quattro Sinko

 

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?

Spoiled Milk

 

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?

Frostbite

 

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?

A Nervous Wreck

 

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?

Anyone Can Roast Beef

 

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?

Right Where You Left Him

 

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?

Because They Have Big Fingers

 

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?

Because It Scares The Dog

 

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?

Sanka

 

19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?

The Location Of The Dirt Bag

 

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?

Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat

[Alsgalpal]

OMG!!!!! Holy fargin rice, those are so funny!!!!!! I am gonna pudding my shorts....

[Sweetmiracle]

QUOTE (Alsgalpal @ Dec 4 2004, 11:21 PM)

New Drugs for Women D A M N I T O L Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours. ST. M O M M A'S W O R T Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days. E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out. P E P T O B I M B O Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception. D U M B E R O L When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in! enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks. F L I P I T O R Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers. M E N I C I L L I N Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ..Can we get naked now?. BUYAGRA Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree. J A C K A S S P I R I N Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat. A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators. N A G A M E N T When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him

Are these going to be available on the TRF store soon???

 

[Alsgalpal]

I sure hope so... especially Damnitol, and Jackaspirin. I need those very much...

[Cygnus]

http://www.funpic.hu/files/pics/00001/00001612.jpg

[ladirushfan80]

there are so many pages to the joke thread...i hope this hasn't been posted already.....

 

Daddy, how was I born?

 

Cyrus SAYS: Daddy, how was I born?

DAD SAYS: Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!

Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN.

Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.

We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from

my hard drive.

As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had

used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine

months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said:

You've Got Male!

[Sweetmiracle]

Baptist bra

 

 

A man walked into the Women's Department of Macy's in

 

 

New York City. He told the saleslady "I would like a Baptist bra for my

wife, size 36B."

 

With a quizzical look the saleslady asked? "What kind of bra?" He repeated

"A Baptist Bra" - She said to tell you that she wanted a Baptist Bra, and

that you would know what she wanted.

 

 

"Ah, now I remember" said the saleslady. "We don't get as many requests for

them as we used to. Mostly our customers lately want the Catholic bra, or

the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian type."

 

 

Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked "So, what are the

differences?" The lady responded. "It is all really quite simple. The

Catholic type supports the masses. The Salvation Army lifts up the fallen,

the Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright."

 

 

He mused on that information for a minute, and asked "So, what is the

Baptist type for?"

 

 

"They," she replied, "make mountains out of molehills."

 

 

 

Bra Sizes: Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F,G, and H are the

letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't

figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!

 

 

{A} Almost Boobs.

 

(B} Barely there.

 

{C} Can't Complain!

 

{D} Dang!

 

{DD} Double Dang!

 

 

{E} Enormous!

 

{F} Fake.

 

{G} Get a Reduction.

 

{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up!!

 

 

[Cygnus]

How do you make a cat sound like a dog?

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

You dip the cat in a bucket of gasoline

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

Then you throw it in the fire

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

And it goes WOOF!

[Test4VitalSigns]

A guy at a bar was having a few drinks. He heads to the restroom to answer a nature call. While he is doing his business, a very short man takes the urinal beside him. The short guy unzips and takes out his 10 inch penis. The guy looks in amazement.

 

"I'm so sorry for staring," says the guy, "but you are huge."

"That's because I'm a leprechaun." The short man replies. "All leprechauns are well-endowed."

The guy sighs and says "I'd do anything for a penis that big."

"It just so happens that i can grant wishes," says the leprechaun. "I'll tell you what. If you let me have sex with you in the stall, I'll grant your wish and give u a bigger penis."

The man thinks it over big time. He decided "The hell with it. I really want a big penis."

 

They go into the stall and began to go at it. While they were going at it, the man cries out, "I can't believe I'm letting a leprechaun screw me!"

 

"I can't believe that you actually believe I'm a leprechaun!!!!!"

Edited December 7, 2004 by Test4VitalSigns

[Slaine mac Roth]

A woman goes into a pub and asks the barman for a Double Entendre.

 

 

 

 

 

So he gave her one.

[Snowdog]

INSENSITIVITY ALERT!!!!!!!!!

 

 

 

The best thing about dating a homeless person is that at the end of the date, you can drop them off anywhere.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Alsgalpal]

Jeff Foxworthy On The Pacific Northwest ... you might be from the Pacific Northwest if:

 

1. You know the state flower (Mildew)

2. You feel guilty throwing aluminum cans or paper in the trash.

3. Use the statement "sun break" and know what it means.

4. You know more than 10 ways to order coffee.

5. You know more people who own boats than air conditioners.

6. You feel overdressed wearing a suit to a nice restaurant.

7. You stand on a deserted corner in the rain waiting for the "Walk"

Signal.

8. You consider that if it has no snow or has not recently erupted, it

is not a real mountain.

9. You can taste the difference between Starbucks, Seattle's Best, and

Veneto's.

10. You know the difference between Chinook, Coho, and Sockeye

salmon.

11. You know how to pronounce Sequim, Puyallup, Issaquah, Oregon, Yakima

and Willamette.

12. You consider swimming an indoor sport.

13. You can tell the difference between Japanese, Chinese and Thai food.

14. In winter, you go to work in the dark and come home in the dark -

while only working eight-hour days.

15. You never go camping without waterproof matches and a poncho.

16. You are not fazed by "Today's forecast: showers followed by rain,"

and "Tomorrow's forecast: rain followed by showers."

17. You cannot wait for a day with "showers and sun breaks."

18. You have no concept of humidity without precipitation.

19. You know that Boring is a town in Oregon and not just a state of

mind.And that Keno is a town in Oregon and not just a game.

20. You can point to at least two volcanoes, even if you cannot see

through the cloud cover.

21. You say, "The mountain is out" when it is a pretty day and you

can actually see it.

22. You put on your shorts when the temperature gets above 50, but still

wear your hiking boots and parka.

23. You switch to your sandals when it gets about 60, but keep the socks

on.

24. You have actually used your mountain bike on a mountain.

25. You think people who use umbrellas are either wimps or tourists.

26. You knew immediately that the view out of Frasier's window was fake.

27. You buy new sunglasses every year, because you cannot find the old

ones after such a long time.

28. You measure distance in hours.

29. You often switch from "heat" to "a/c" in the same day.

30. You use a down comforter in the summer.

31. You carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use

them.

32. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit under a raincoat.

33. You know all the important seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Still

Raining (Spring), Road Construction (Summer), Deer &Elk season (Fall).

34. You actually understood these jokes and will probably forward them!

 

[DonnaWanna]

A tour bus driver is carrying a bus full of seniors down a highway when

he is tapped on the shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful

of peanuts which he gratefully munches up.

 

After approximately 15 minutes she taps him on the shoulder again and

hands him another handful of peanuts. And she repeats this gesture

about eight times. At the ninth offer the bus driver asks the little old lady

why they do not eat the peanuts themselves. She tells him that it is not

possible because of their old teeth: they are not able to chew them.

 

"Why do you buy them, then?" he asks, puzzled.

 

"Oh, we just love the chocolate around them," she replies.