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The Joke Thread (The Good, The Bad & The Ugly)


The Notorious B.S.G.
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A middle aged man bought a brand new convertible Porsche. He took off down

the road, pushed it up to 160 and was enjoying the wind blowing through his

(thinning) hair. "This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even

higher speed. But when he eventually looked in his rear-view mirror there

was a Police car behind him, blue lights flashing.

"I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he floored

it some more, and flew down the road at over 210 km/hr to escape being

stopped. Then he thought, "What the hell am I doing? I'm too old for this

kind of thing" and pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for

the Police car to catch up with him. The Policeman pulled in behind

the Porsche and walked up on the driver's side. "Sir, my Shift ends in

five minutes and today is Friday the 13th. "If you can give me a good

reason that I've never heard before as to why you were speeding, I'll

let you go." The man looked at the Policeman and said, "Last week

my wife ran off with a Policeman and I thought you were bringing her

back." The Policeman said, "Have a nice day."

 

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An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings

account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank

because, she said, she had a lot of money.

 

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always

right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's

office.

 

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied,

"$165,000". The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman

replied that she made bets.

 

The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"

 

The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square."

 

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was

impossible to win a bet like that.

 

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?"

 

"Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my

testicles are not square."

 

"Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness."

 

"No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.

 

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet

and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his

testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over

again and again until he was positive that no one could

consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

 

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman

arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and

acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the

president's testicles were square.

 

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one

made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to

drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

 

The president was happy to oblige.

 

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and

asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president "Given the amount of money involved, you

should be 100% sure."

 

The elderly woman did so with a little smile Suddenly the

president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against

the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that

and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the

balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!"

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A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."

 

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

 

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

 

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

 

"Where's John Kerry's clock?" asked the man.

"Kerry's clock is in my office. I'm using it as a ceiling fan."

 

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Pfizer Corp. announced today that VIAGRA will soon

be available in liquid form and will be marketed by

Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as mixer.

 

It will now be possible for a man to literally

pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it

gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and

just a good old fashioned "stiff drink.." Pepsi will market

the new concoction by the name of, Yep, you guessed it:

 

 

"MOUNT & DO."

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Political joke:? wink.gif

 

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and

 

100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

 

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican." "I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

 

The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air.

You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault . icon_really_happy_guy.gif

Edited by Drumnut
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Hangover

 

Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

 

Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."

 

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Marty asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

 

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

 

Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

 

His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!"

 

A self-induced hangover - $100.00

 

Broken furniture - $200.00

 

Breakfast - $10.00

 

Saying the right thing - priceless

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http://img76.exs.cx/img76/9499/smoke_a_camel.jpg
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QUOTE (Sweetmiracle @ Oct 27 2004, 12:34 PM)
Hangover

Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Marty asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!"

A self-induced hangover - $100.00

Broken furniture - $200.00

Breakfast - $10.00

Saying the right thing - priceless

Hmm. I'll have to keep that one handy. icon_really_happy_guy.gif

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"R" rated chinese proverbs.....

 

 

 

Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth.

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

Edited by ladirushfan80
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On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a Petrol Station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.

The pump attendant, knowing nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing supremo is.

Top of the mornin' to yer, sor" says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are dose?, asks the attendant. "They're called tees" replies Tiger. "Well, what on god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.

"Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW tinks of everyting!"

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15 things a man can do at Wal-Mart -- while his wife/girlfriend is taking

her sweet time shopping

 

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms & randomly put them in people's carts when they

aren't looking.

 

2. Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

 

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the ladies restroom.

 

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone: 'Code 3 in

House wares' . . and see what happens.

 

5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay-away.

 

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

 

7. Set-up a tent in the Camping Department -- and tell other shoppers

you're sleeping over; invite them in, if they bring pillows from the

Bedding Department.

 

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask: "Why

can't you people just leave me alone?"

 

9. Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick your nose.

 

10. While handling guns in the Hunting Department, ask the clerk if he

knows where the anti-depressants are.

 

11. Dart around the store suspiciously, while loudly humming the theme

from "Mission Impossible."

 

12. In the Auto Department, practice your "Madonna look" using different

sized funnels.

 

13. Hide in a clothing rack . . . and when people browse through, say:

"PICK ME!!! PICK ME!!!"

 

14. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal

position and scream "NO!...It's those voices again!!!"

 

And last but not least:

 

15. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while, then yell

loudly: "There's no toilet paper in here!"

 

 

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QUOTE (SCREAM @ Oct 29 2004, 10:22 AM)
15 things a man can do at Wal-Mart -- while his wife/girlfriend is taking
her sweet time shopping


1. Get 24 boxes of condoms & randomly put them in people's carts when they
aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the ladies restroom.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone: 'Code 3 in
House wares' . . and see what happens.

5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay-away.

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set-up a tent in the Camping Department -- and tell other shoppers
you're sleeping over; invite them in, if they bring pillows from the
Bedding Department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask: "Why
can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick your nose.

10. While handling guns in the Hunting Department, ask the clerk if he
knows where the anti-depressants are.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously, while loudly humming the theme
from "Mission Impossible."

12. In the Auto Department, practice your "Madonna look" using different
sized funnels.

13. Hide in a clothing rack . . . and when people browse through, say:
"PICK ME!!! PICK ME!!!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal
position and scream "NO!...It's those voices again!!!"

And last but not least:

15. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while, then yell
loudly: "There's no toilet paper in here!"

rofl3.gif rofl3.gif rofl3.gif

 

Just to add a piece from a former routine of Irish comedian Ed Byrne -

 

How to make Supermarket staff hate you.

 

If you're organising a party, go into the supermarket, and fill your trolley with as much drink as you need, and on the top, place a packet of nappies (diapers). Go to the checkout, and when the attendant gives you the final total, say "Oh, I'm just a little short", and PUT THE NAPPIES BACK.

 

They will look at you like you are SCUM. biggrin.gif

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We just got a new hold message here at my work . It got me pondering. (Uh oh!) What if hold messages were more honest? Just imagine.....

 

An Honest Hold Message

 

Your call is very important to us, so please continue to hold............ Aww! Who are we fooling? If your call was so gosh-fired important, we'd have hired a few real live humans to talk to you.

 

Your money is very important to us. Please don't take your business elsewhere. Since we feel as if you'll put up with anything (I mean just look at the level of service you put up with!), we're gonna bounce you around the voice message system until someone gets off their cigarette break and is forced to answer your call. Either that, or someone else will finish chatting with their pal in another state. One way or another, if you hang on long enough, you're bound to get a live human being.

 

Of course, once you do, that's no guarantee of good service. I mean, what sort of person do you suppose handles the first-tier support, anyways? Let's just say, it ain't the cream of any particular intellectual crop, sayin'? But, we'll let the guy give it a shot, and he'll read to you prepared comments from a script, and pretend to understand your issue. And should that fail (what are the odds of THAT happening? Bwah ha ha ha firedevil.gif ), you can get a second-tier support rep. Of course, this really means only that this person has pages 1-20 in the tech support script, whereas the first guy you talked to had only pages 1-9. So, I guess you could say the second-tier rep has twice as much knowledge. rofl3.gif

 

We even have a few tech support folks who make a pretty fair impression of empathy. But they are on the verge of being fired, as their number of calls per hour lag behind. So inevitably, at some point, you will be forced in desperation and frustration to demand a supervisor, or even, heaven forbid, that mythical beast "someone who knows what they're talking about".

 

Oh gawd! Do you have any idea how that notion just KILLS us? Please don't ask for THAT! Our hearts can't take the strain of such uproarious comedy. icon_really_happy_guy.gif

 

So, just save it. Or better yet, hang up now, and check us out on the web. We accept all major credit cards, paypal, and large wire transfers. And you can do it right there on our relatively-hacker-free website.

 

Don't call back, eh?

 

Have a lovely day.

 

<click>

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Bad Halloween Costumes:

 

Ladies and Gentlemen, the King! Well.... sorta....

 

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v411/bsg2112/HalloweenElvis.jpg

 

What happens to Hooters girls after they retire?

 

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v411/bsg2112/HalloweenRetiredHootersGirls.jpg

 

Spiderman, our............. umm............ hero?

 

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v411/bsg2112/HalloweenSpiderman.jpg

 

No comment needed for this revolting costume.

 

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v411/bsg2112/HalloweenToiletSeat.jpg

 

Wonder Woman, who's undoubtedly seen better days (and better 'do's).

 

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v411/bsg2112/HalloweenWonderWoman.jpg

 

"I'm in looove with a redneck guuuurl!!" Well, not really, and definitely not THIS one. 062802puke_prv.gif

 

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v411/bsg2112/HalloweenRedneckChick.jpg

 

The Royal Family, complete with Dukes, Duchesses, horsemen (notice the coconut shells icon_really_happy_guy.gif ), brave knights, the King and Queen themselves, the Queen Mum, and a Russian woman masquerading as an artistic man, behind the Queen Mum on the right. (My co-worker Renata. Thanks for sharing, Uzbek! icon_really_happy_guy.gif )

 

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v411/bsg2112/HalloweenRoyalFamily.jpg

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