The Notorious B.S.G. Posted November 1, 2004 Author Share Posted November 1, 2004 http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v411/bsg2112/weedies.jpg Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Notorious B.S.G. Posted November 1, 2004 Author Share Posted November 1, 2004 Country Music Song Titles (To the best of my knowledge, these titles are real.) ____________________________________________________ Am I Double Parked by the Curbstone of Your Heart? Are You Drinkin With Me Jesus? At the Gas Station of Love, I Got the Self Service Pump Billy Broke My Heart at Walgreens and I Cried All the Way to Sears Come out of the Wheatfield Nellie, You're Going Against the Grain Did I Shave my Legs for This? Don't Chop Any Wood Mother, I'm Comin' in With a Load! Don't Give Me A Plastic Saddle 'Cuz I Want To Feel That Leather When I Ride Get Off the Table, Mabel (The Two Dollars is for the Beer) I Don't Care if it Rains or Freezes 'Long as I Have My Plastic Jesus Sittin' on the Dashboard of my Car I Gave Her My Heart And A Diamond And She Clubbed Me With A Spade I Gave Her the Ring, and She Gave Me the Finger I Got Tears In My Ears From Lying On My Bed Crying On My Pillow Over You I Still Miss You Baby... But My Aim is Getting Better I Want a Beer as Cold as My Ex-Wife's Heart I Was Looking Back to See If You Were Looking Back to See If I Was Looking Back to See if You Were Looking Back at Me I Went Back to My Fourth Wife for the Third Time and Gave Her a Second Chance to Make a First Class Fool Out of Me I Wish I Were A Woman (So I Could Go Out With A Guy Like Me) I'd Rather Hear A Fat Girl Fart Than A Pretty Boy Sing I'm So Miserable Without You, it's Almost like Having you Here Jeremiah Peabody's Polyunsaturated Quick Dissolving Fast Acting Pleasant Tasting Green and Purple Pills Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In The Bed Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through The Goalposts Of Life Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away? How Can You Believe Me When I Say I Love You When You Know I've Been A Liar All My Life? I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me I Flushed You From The Toilet Of My Heart. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You I Wanna Whip Your Cow I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldn't Spell Yuck I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dawg Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win I'd Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy I'm Just A Bug On The Windshield Of Life I've Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart I've Got The Hungries For Your Love And I'm Waiting In Your Welfare Line If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You If Love Were Oil, I'd Be A Quart Low If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I'd Blow It All On You If You Don't Leave Me Alone, I'll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too? Mama Get The Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head) My Every Day Silver Is Plastic My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him Oh, I've Got Hair Oil On My Ears And My Glasses Are Slipping Down, Baby I Can See Through You Pardon Me, I've Got Someone To Kill She Got The Gold Mine And I Got The Shaft She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart Thank God And Greyhound She's Gone They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can't Stop My Face From Breakin' Out Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart When You Leave Walk Out Backwards, So I'll Think You're Walking In You Can't Have Your Kate And Edith Too You Can't Roller Skate In A Buffalo Herd You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat You Were Only A Splinter As I Slid Down The Bannister Of Life You're The Reason Our Kids Are Ugly If You Walk Away From Me, I'll Love You From Behind Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Notorious B.S.G. Posted November 1, 2004 Author Share Posted November 1, 2004 Further proof that truth is stranger than fiction. These are real products, which someone offered for sale, for some reason or other.... http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v411/bsg2112/dalailamasoldiertoy.jpg http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v411/bsg2112/goosedecoyad.jpg Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alsgalpal Posted November 6, 2004 Share Posted November 6, 2004 Okey Dokey, time to bump this thread...Dancing Granny, one of my fave country songs btw. Ok, and here is another one Laughing Kitty. I have days like this... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alsgalpal Posted November 7, 2004 Share Posted November 7, 2004 (edited) K, one more...Singing Horses Click on the horses and listen to them sing! I think they are cute... Edited cause I can't spell worth a hoot.... Edited November 7, 2004 by Alsgalpal Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yyz Posted November 7, 2004 Share Posted November 7, 2004 (edited) QUOTE (BSG @ Nov 1 2004, 11:07 AM) http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v411/bsg2112/weedies.jpg That's so great. Edited November 7, 2004 by yyz Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Notorious B.S.G. Posted November 9, 2004 Author Share Posted November 9, 2004 Now, you just KNEW there had to be a book. Mystery solved. http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v411/bsg2112/bitch.jpg Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sweetmiracle Posted November 9, 2004 Share Posted November 9, 2004 A mother had just come home from the hospital with her new daughter. This was a bit of a change, since the first four had all been boys. The oldest was five. As she laid the new little one on the changing table, the boys all gathered around to see her. The Mom wondered whether they were too young to notice the obvious difference. They weren't. Her oldest watched the diaper come off, then spoke up: "I didn't break it off, honest, Mom!! John musta done it!!!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alsgalpal Posted November 14, 2004 Share Posted November 14, 2004 I know you will be as sad as I was when I read this. It is with the saddest heart that I must pass on the following news. Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, Little Debbie, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very "smart" cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still as a crusty old man was considered a roll model for millions. Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
war2112 Posted November 14, 2004 Share Posted November 14, 2004 A man returns to work from his lunch hour looking kind of sheepish. A co-worker asks, "Hey, what's wrong". The sheepish guy says, "I just had one of those Freudian slips" "What's that?" asks the other guy. "You know, when you intend to say one thing, but what's really on your mind comes out of your mouth. I meant to ask the drive-thru girl if she had any condiments, but I was distracted by her large breasts, so what I said was, do you have any condoms? It was really embarassing." "Oh, yeah", says the other guy. "That happened to me just last night. My wife and I were having dinner, and I meant to ask her if she could please pass the salt, but instead what came out was, you f***ing bitch you ruined my life" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rolinda Bonz Posted November 14, 2004 Share Posted November 14, 2004 QUOTE (yyz @ Nov 6 2004, 11:10 PM) QUOTE (BSG @ Nov 1 2004, 11:07 AM) http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v411/bsg2112/weedies.jpg That's so great. I knew they were wrong when they said marijuana was a Gateway drug. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trance Posted November 14, 2004 Share Posted November 14, 2004 (edited) Alright... so my MOM actually told me this one. BAD TASTE WARNING!!! What did the blind man say when he walked by the fish market? Answer: "Good evenin, ladies!" BAAAD BAAAD Edited November 14, 2004 by Trance Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rolinda Bonz Posted November 14, 2004 Share Posted November 14, 2004 (edited) If you're Russian on your way into the bathroom, and you're Finnish when you come out, what are you while you're in there? European (you're a-peein') Edited November 14, 2004 by Rolinda Bonz Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ladirushfan80 Posted November 14, 2004 Share Posted November 14, 2004 Ordering a Pizza in 2006 Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your national ID number?" Customer: "Hi, I'd like to place an order." Operator: "I must have your NIDN first, sir?" Customer: "My National ID Number, yeah, hold on?it's 6102049998-45-54610." Operator: "Thank you, Mr. Sheehan. I see you live at 1742 Meadowland Drive, and the phone number's 494-2366. Your office number over at Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302 and your cell number's 266-2566. Email address is @home.net <mailto:sheehan@home.net> Which number are you calling from, sir?" Customer: "Huh? I'm at home. Where d'ya get all this information?" Operator: "We're wired into the HSS, sir." Customer: "The HSS, what is that?" Operator: "We're wired into the Homeland Security System, sir. This will add only 15 seconds to your ordering time" Customer: (Sighs) "Oh, well, I'd like to order a couple of your All-Meat Special pizzas." Operator: "I don't think that's a good idea, sir." Customer: "Whaddya mean?" Operator: "Sir, your medical records and commode sensors indicate that you've got very high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health Care provider won't allow such an unhealthy choice." Customer: "What? What do you recommend, then?" Operator: "You might try our low-fat Soybean Pizza. I'm sure you'll like it." Customer: "What makes you think I'd like something like that?" Operator: "Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your local library last week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion." Customer: "All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones, then." Operator: "That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids, and your 2 dogs can finish the crusts, sir. Your total is $49.99." Customer: "Lemme give you my credit card number." Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash. Your credit card balance is over its limit." Customer: "I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your driver gets here." Operator: "That won't work either, sir. Your checking account's overdrawn also." Customer: "Never mind! Just send the pizzas. I'll have the cash ready. How long will it take?" Operator: "We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45 minutes, sir. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick 'em up while you're out getting the cash, but then, carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a little awkward." Customer: "Wait! How do you know I ride a 'cycle?" Operator: "It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so your car got repo'ed. But your Harley's paid for and you just filled the tank yesterday" Customer: Well I'll be a "@#%/$@&?#!&?#!" Operator: "I'd advise watching your language, sir. You've already got a July 4, 2004 conviction for cussing out a cop and another one I see here in September for contempt at your hearing for cussing at a judge." "Oh yes I see here that you just got out from a 90 day stay in the State Correctional Facility. Is this your first pizza since your return to society? Customer: (Speechless) Operator: "Will there be anything else, sir?" Customer: "Yes, I have a coupon for a free 2 liter of Coke". Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents us from offering free soda to diabetics. The New Constitution prohibits this. Thank you for calling Pizza Hut!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chasartymac Posted November 14, 2004 Share Posted November 14, 2004 Why lizards should never bungee jump. http://img18.exs.cx/img18/8052/image228.jpg Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alsgalpal Posted November 14, 2004 Share Posted November 14, 2004 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slaine mac Roth Posted November 14, 2004 Share Posted November 14, 2004 I don't know if anyone's posted this yet so: http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v110/Jimyyz2112/Rush/toon.jpg Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
madra sneachta Posted November 15, 2004 Share Posted November 15, 2004 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Riv Posted November 15, 2004 Share Posted November 15, 2004 Where did that come from? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NeilPeartFan2112 Posted November 15, 2004 Share Posted November 15, 2004 Yeah, where did that come from? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
madra sneachta Posted November 15, 2004 Share Posted November 15, 2004 Anyone in the UK/Ireland will be familiar with Peter Kay's comedy, but here's a sample of his genius for our transatlantic friends - Peter Kay's questions... > > > > 1. Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed? > > > > 2. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the > > core of the earth? > > > > 3. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed? > > > > 4. Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your arse? > > > > 5. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is > > stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'? > > > > 6. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer? > > > > 7. Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for > > centuries' have a 'use by' date? > > > > 8. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a > > horrible crisp no one would eat? > > > > 9. Is French kissing in France just called kissing? > > > > 10. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll > > squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'? > > > > 11. What do people in China call their good plates? > > > > 12. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but > > don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is? > > > > 13. Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'? > > > > 14. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? > > > > 15. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion > > stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is > > wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure? > > > > 16. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad > > at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of the > > window? > > > > > > Peter Kay's Universal Truths > > > > 1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones. > > > > 2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying. > > > > >3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your > > pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger. > > > > 4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps. > > > > 5) Everyone who grew up in the 80 's has entered the digits 5378008 into > > a calculator > > > > 6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible. > > > > 7) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a > > fire in your back garden. > > > > 8) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl. > > > > 9) You never know where to look when eating a banana. > > > > 10) Rummaging in an overgrow garden will always turn up a bouncy ball. > > > > 11) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school. > > > > 12) the most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your > > teacher mum or dad. > > > > 13) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way > > through and then raced against the flush. > > > > 14) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee. > > > > 15) You never ever run out of salt. > > > > 16) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got > > your hand or head stuck in something. > > > > 17) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers. > > > > 18) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their > > arm broken by a swan. > > > > 19) the most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on > > an upturned plug. > > > > 20) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard. > > > > 21) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood > > specifically to stir paint with. > > > > 22) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose. > > > > 23) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cygnus Posted November 15, 2004 Share Posted November 15, 2004 > > 5. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is > > stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Indica Posted November 15, 2004 Share Posted November 15, 2004 The Miami Dolphins Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alsgalpal Posted November 15, 2004 Share Posted November 15, 2004 Madra, those are mostly true, but my arse doesnt wiggle when I brush my teeth... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yyz Posted November 15, 2004 Share Posted November 15, 2004 QUOTE (Indica @ Nov 15 2004, 03:33 PM) The Miami Dolphins Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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