Alsgalpal Posted September 26, 2004 Share Posted September 26, 2004 WOMEN! > > We start to "bud" in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find anything that comes in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurts so bad it brings us to tears. Enter the almighty, uncomfortable training bra contraption the boys in school will snap until we have calluses on our backs. > > Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we now bloat, we cramp, we get the hormone crankies, have to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had. > > Our next little rite of passage (premarital or not) is having sex for the first time which is about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn't end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about. > > Then it's off the Motherhood where we learn to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we don't spend the entire day leaning over Brother Jon. Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learn to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we're having Rosemary's Baby. > > Our once flat bellies now look like we swallowed a watermelon whole and we pee our pants every time we sneeze. When the big moment arrives, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions will invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we'll waddle with our big cartoon feet moaning in pain all the way to the ER. Then it's huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, "Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar. Calm down and push. Just one more (or 10) good push," warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the ******* (and hubby) square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10 lb. bowling ball through a keyhole. > > After that, it's time to raise those angels only to find that when all the "cute" wears off, the beautiful little darlings morph into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines. > > The teen years. Need I say more? The kids are almost grown now and we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our early 40's while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday. Now we hit the grand finale: "The Menopause," the Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take the HR and chance cancer in those now seasoned "buds" or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves. > > Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men when men get off so easy INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks .... now I love being a woman but "Womanhood" would make the Great Ghandi a tad crabby. Women are the "weaker sex"? Yeah, right! Bite me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
madra sneachta Posted September 27, 2004 Share Posted September 27, 2004 From IRN in London - A 27 year old American man jumped the gun a little at news of an escaped convict in his local area. Drew Patterson was getting his .22-caliber pistol ready in case he came across the fugitive, when he stuck the weapon into the waistband of his trousers and accidentally shot himself in the bottom. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alsgalpal Posted September 27, 2004 Share Posted September 27, 2004 WORDS WOMEN USE > > ****************************** > > FINE > > This is the word women use to end an argument when > they feel they are right > and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to > describe how a woman looks - > this will cause you to have one of those arguments. > > FIVE MINUTES > > This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five > minutes that your > football game is going to last before you take out > the trash, so it's an > even trade. > > NOTHING > > This means "something," and you should be on your > toes. "Nothing" is > usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of > wanting to turn you > inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" > usually signifies an > argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with > "Fine" > > GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows! ) > > This is a dare. One that will result in a woman > getting upset over "Nothing" > and will end with the word "Fine" > > GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows!) > > This means "I give up" or "do what you want because > I don't care." You will > get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few > minutes, followed by "Nothing" > and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five > Minutes" when she cools > off. > > LOUD SIGH > > This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal > statement often > misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she > thinks you are an idiot at > that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time > standing here and > arguing with you over "Nothing". > > SOFT SIGH > > Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft > Sigh" mean that she is > content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, > and she will stay content. > > > THAT'S OKAY > > This is one of the most dangerous statements that a > woman can make to a man. > "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and > hard before paying you > back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's > Okay" is often used with > the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised > Eyebrow." > > GO AHEAD! > > At some point in the near future, you are going to > be in some mighty big > trouble. > > PLEASE DO > > This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is > giving you the chance to > come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for > doing whatever it is > that you have done. You have a fair chance with the > truth, so be careful and > you shouldn't get a "That's Okay". > > THANKS > > A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say > you're welcome. > > THANKS A LOT > > This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will > say, "Thanks A Lot" when > she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that > you have offended her in > some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud > Sigh." Be careful not to > ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will > only tell you "Nothing" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alsgalpal Posted September 27, 2004 Share Posted September 27, 2004 The hit man Did you hear about the hit man that killed a guy in a rice field using only two small porcelain figurines? Police say it's the first documented case of a knick-knack paddy whack. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cygnus Posted September 27, 2004 Share Posted September 27, 2004 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alsgalpal Posted September 27, 2004 Share Posted September 27, 2004 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cygnus Posted September 29, 2004 Share Posted September 29, 2004 http://www.freakingnews.com/entries/6000/6050GLoK_w.jpg Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
madra sneachta Posted September 29, 2004 Share Posted September 29, 2004 QUOTE (Alsgalpal @ Sep 27 2004, 07:57 PM) The hit man Did you hear about the hit man that killed a guy in a rice field using only two small porcelain figurines? Police say it's the first documented case of a knick-knack paddy whack. As an addendum to that story, the body was found by a police dog who happened to be owned by Keith Richards. When the Chief of Police was briefed, he told the ordered that the dog be rewarded with the words "Give the dog a bone. his owner is a Rolling Stone>" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alsgalpal Posted September 29, 2004 Share Posted September 29, 2004 QUOTE (madra sneachta @ Sep 29 2004, 08:29 AM) QUOTE (Alsgalpal @ Sep 27 2004, 07:57 PM) The hit man Did you hear about the hit man that killed a guy in a rice field using only two small porcelain figurines? Police say it's the first documented case of a knick-knack paddy whack. As an addendum to that story, the body was found by a police dog who happened to be owned by Keith Richards. When the Chief of Police was briefed, he told the ordered that the dog be rewarded with the words "Give the dog a bone. his owner is a Rolling Stone>" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Notorious B.S.G. Posted October 1, 2004 Author Share Posted October 1, 2004 Joke thread on PAGE 2??!! PAGE 2???!!!! This is an outrage! Ok, let's just see what we can do 'bout that, shall we? __________________ A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!" The cop asked, 'What's he like?" The little boy replied, "Jack Daniels and women with big t*ts." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Notorious B.S.G. Posted October 1, 2004 Author Share Posted October 1, 2004 You might be from Florida if: You exhibit a slight twitch when introduced to anyone with the first names of Charley, Frances or Ivan Your freezer never has more than $20 worth of food in it at any given time You're looking at paint swatches for the plywood on your windows, to accent the house color You think of your hall closet / safe room as "cozy" Your pool is more accurately described as "framed in" than "screened in" Your freezer in the garage now only has homemade ice in it You no longer worry about relatives visiting during the summer months You, too, haven't heard back from the insurance adjuster You now understand what that little "2% hurricane deductible" phrase really means You're putting a collage together on your driveway of roof shingles from your neighborhood You were once proud of your 16" electric chain saw Your Street has more than 3 "NO WAKE" signs posted You now own 5 large ice chests Your parrot can now say" hammered, pounded and hunker down" You recognize people in line at the free ice, gas and plywood locations You stop what you're doing and clap and wave when you see a convoy of power company trucks come down your street You're depressed when they don't stop You have the personal cell phone numbers of the managers for: plywood, roofing supplies and generators at Home Depot on your speed dialer You've spent more than $20 on "Tall white kitchen bags" to make your own sand bags You're considering upgrading your 16" to a 20" chainsaw You know what "Bar chain oil" is You're thinking of getting your wife the hard hat with the ear protector and face shield for Christmas You now think the $6000 whole house generator seems reasonable You look forward to discussions about the merits of "cubed, block and dry ice" Your therapist refers to your condition as "generator envy" You fight the urge to put on your winter coat and wool cap and parade around in front of your picture window, when you finally get power and your neighbor across the street, with the noisy generator, doesn't get electric And finally, you might be from Florida if: You ask a friend up north to start saving the Sunday Real Estate classifieds! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Notorious B.S.G. Posted October 1, 2004 Author Share Posted October 1, 2004 Some things I learned in Florida this past month: 1. Coffee and frozen pizzas can be made on a BBQ grill. 2. No matter how many times you flick the switch, lights don't work without electricity. 3. Kids can survive 4 plus days without a video game controller in their hands. 4. Cats are really irritating without power. 5. He who has the biggest generator wins. 6. Women can actually survive without doing their hair--you just wish they weren't around you. 7. A new method of non-lethal torture - showers without hot water. This is for the lucky ones on city water. If you have a well and no generator, it's time to bathe in the pool! 8. TV is an addiction and the withdrawal symptoms are painful. 9. A 7 lb bag of ice will chill 6-12 oz Budweisers to a drinkable temperature in 11 minutes, and still keep a 14-pound turkey frozen for 8 more hours. 10. There are a lot of trees around here. 11. Flood plain drawings on some mortgage documents were seriously wrong. 12. Contrary to most Florida natives' beliefs, the speed limit on roads without traffic lights does not increase. 13. Aluminum siding, while aesthetically pleasing, is definitely not required to keep your house standing, and during wind surges becomes flying weapons. 14. Just because you're over 21 doesn't mean you can stay out as late as you want. At least that's what the cops told me during a curfew stop. 15. Crickets can increase their volume to overcome the sound of 14 generators. 16. People will get into a line that has already formed without having any idea what the line is for. 17. When required, most any vehicle will float--doesn't steer well, but floats just the same. 18. Hurricanes do keep the mailman from his appointed rounds. 19. Tele-marketers function no matter what the weather is doing. 20. Cell phones sometimes work when land lines are down, but only as long as the battery remains charged. 21. Twenty-seven of your neighbors are fed from a different transformer than you, and they are quick to point that out! 22. Laundry hampers were not made to contain such a volume. 23. If I had a store that sold only ice, chainsaws, gas, and generators...I'd be rich. 24. The price of a bag of ice rises 200% after a hurricane. 25. Your waterfront property can quickly become someone else's fishing hole. 26. Tree service companies are under appreciated. 27. MATH 101: 30 days in a month, minus 6 days without power, equals 30% higher electric bill ????? 28. Drywall is a compound word; take away the "dry" part and it's worthless. 29. Florida will not see a baby boom in 9 months. Things are already too hot and sticky. Why add to the mess! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Notorious B.S.G. Posted October 1, 2004 Author Share Posted October 1, 2004 Q: What did the fish say when he smacked into the cement wall? A: Dam! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alsgalpal Posted October 1, 2004 Share Posted October 1, 2004 QUOTE (BSG @ Oct 1 2004, 02:03 PM) Q: What did the fish say when he smacked into the cement wall? A: Dam! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
madra sneachta Posted October 2, 2004 Share Posted October 2, 2004 A rock fan dies and goes to heaven. St Peter looks at his files, says "Oh, a rocker, you're in Block 62A". Our friend arrives in 62A, hears music from a room, walks in and sees Jimmy Hendrix and Rory Gallagher ripping through an awesome solo with Kurt Cobain on rhythm guitar and Keith Moon banging the sticks. He walks into the next room, and there's Alex Lifeson playing a kickass version of La Villa Strangiato. After soaking this in for a while, he wanders out with his brain reeling, and bumps into St Peter. "How are you getting on?" enquires Peter. "Amazing....Hendrix...Gallagher, Cobain were incredible but Lifeson.....I didn't know he was dead" "Oh, he isn't", replied St Peter, "That wasn't Lifeson, that was God.......he Just thinks he's Alex Lifeson!". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ladirushfan80 Posted October 3, 2004 Share Posted October 3, 2004 QUOTE (madra sneachta @ Oct 1 2004, 08:08 PM) A rock fan dies and goes to heaven. St Peter looks at his files, says "Oh, a rocker, you're in Block 62A". Our friend arrives in 62A, hears music from a room, walks in and sees Jimmy Hendrix and Rory Gallagher ripping through an awesome solo with Kurt Cobain on rhythm guitar and Keith Moon banging the sticks. He walks into the next room, and there's Alex Lifeson playing a kickass version of La Villa Strangiato. After soaking this in for a while, he wanders out with his brain reeling, and bumps into St Peter. "How are you getting on?" enquires Peter. "Amazing....Hendrix...Gallagher, Cobain were incredible but Lifeson.....I didn't know he was dead" "Oh, he isn't", replied St Peter, "That wasn't Lifeson, that was God.......he Just thinks he's Alex Lifeson!". priceless!!!!!!! http://instagiber.net/smiliesdotcom/contrib/ruinkai/smileyb.gif http://smilies.sofrayt.com/%5E/w/thumbs.gif Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cygnus Posted October 4, 2004 Share Posted October 4, 2004 A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what, we're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! you'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. we're going at night!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Riv Posted October 4, 2004 Share Posted October 4, 2004 What's the hardest part about rollerblading? Telling your parents you are gay. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
barney_rebel Posted October 4, 2004 Share Posted October 4, 2004 http://media.ebaumsworld.com/katanaslip.mpg Owww DAMN! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Notorious B.S.G. Posted October 5, 2004 Author Share Posted October 5, 2004 http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v411/bsg2112/floridasaysenough.jpg Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moonraker Posted October 7, 2004 Share Posted October 7, 2004 QUOTE (BSG @ Oct 5 2004, 03:21 PM) http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v411/bsg2112/floridasaysenough.jpg Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alsgalpal Posted October 7, 2004 Share Posted October 7, 2004 QUOTE (BSG @ Oct 5 2004, 06:21 PM) http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v411/bsg2112/floridasaysenough.jpg Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
madra sneachta Posted October 7, 2004 Share Posted October 7, 2004 What's impossible? Dolly Parton falling flat on her face Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Notorious B.S.G. Posted October 7, 2004 Author Share Posted October 7, 2004 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Notorious B.S.G. Posted October 7, 2004 Author Share Posted October 7, 2004 This next one is not a joke, just a real neat "thing". I didn't want to start a new thread for it, though. It's a clock. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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