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The Joke Thread (The Good, The Bad & The Ugly)


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another groaner foul for BSG.....

that postcard is AWFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

still love the avatar tho.......

now i gotta go and change mine to sumthin funny......

in the meantime....http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v415/amandaladi/functoons2.jpg

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A couple lived near the ocean and liked to walk the beach a lot. One summer, they noticed a girl who was at the beach almost every day.

 

She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, look around furtively, then speak to them.

 

Usually, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally, someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something she carried in her bag.

 

The couple assumed that she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure, they just continued to watch her.

 

After a couple of weeks the wife said, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?"

 

He hadn't - and said so. Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing."

 

Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave.

 

The man then walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. "Well, is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly. "No, she's not," he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.

 

"Well, what is it then? What does she do?" his wife almost shrieked. The man grinned and said, "She's a battery salesperson."

 

"Batteries?" cried the wife. "Yes," he replied, "She sells C cells down by the sea shore."

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While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit

by a truck and dies.

 

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

 

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems

there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these

parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

 

"No problem, just let me in," says the man.

 

"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do

is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can

choose were to spend eternity."

 

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the

senator.

 

"I'm sorry but we have our rules."

 

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes

down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the

middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and

standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians

who had worked with him.

 

They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good

times they had while getting rich at expense of the people.

 

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar

and champagne.

 

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has

a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good

time that, before he realizes it, it is time to go.

 

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator

rises.

 

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where

St. Peter is waiting for him.

 

"Now it's time to visit heaven."

 

So, 24 hours pass with the head of state joining a group of

contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and

singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24

hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

 

"Well then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now

choose your eternity."

 

The senator reflects for a minute, then the senator answers: "Well,

I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been

delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

 

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down,

down to hell.

 

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a

barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his

friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in

black bags.

 

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

 

"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here

and there was a golf course and club, and we ate lobster and caviar,

drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now all there is

a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What

happened?"

 

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were

campaigning......Today you voted"

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Did you folks hear that the U.S. Postal Service has recalled a series of postage stamps that depicted images of famous American lawyers on them?

 

The Postal Service learned that people were unsure which side of the stamp to spit on.

 

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QUOTE (Jack Aubrey @ Sep 10 2004, 04:32 PM)
A couple lived near the ocean and liked to walk the beach a lot. One summer, they noticed a girl who was at the beach almost every day.

She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, look around furtively, then speak to them.

Usually, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally, someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something she carried in her bag.

The couple assumed that she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure, they just continued to watch her.

After a couple of weeks the wife said, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?"

He hadn't - and said so. Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing."

Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave.

The man then walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. "Well, is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly. "No, she's not," he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.

"Well, what is it then? What does she do?" his wife almost shrieked. The man grinned and said, "She's a battery salesperson."

"Batteries?" cried the wife. "Yes," he replied, "She sells C cells down by the sea shore."

doh.gif

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Home remedies that REALLY WORK

 

 

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup

of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be

almost instantly removed.

 

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting

someone else to hold them while you chop away.

 

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply

using the sink.

 

4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for

awhile, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

 

5. A mousetrap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you

from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze

button.

 

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you

will be afraid to cough.

 

7. Have a bad toothache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will

forget about the tooth ache..

AND.....

 

Sometimes we just need to remember what The Rules of Life really are:

 

You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it

should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape.

 

And finally... Be really good to your family and friends. You never know

when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan

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An old farmer in Kansas had owned a large farm for several years. He had

a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts and

some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for

swimming when it was built.

 

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond to look things over as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a 5 gallon bucket to bring back some fruit from the trees. As he neared the pond he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

 

As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him,..."we're not getting out until you leave!"

 

The old man frowned and said..."I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding up the bucket he said...."I'm here to feed the alligator."

 

 

Moral: Old age and cunning will triumph over youth and enthusiasm every time!

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Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend 3.1 to GirlFriendPlus1.0 (marketing name: Fiancee1.0).

 

Recently he upgraded Fiancee1.0 to Wife1.0 and it's a memory hogger, has taken all his space; and Wife1.0 must be running before he can do anything. Although he didn't ask for them, Wife1.0 came with Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw and BrotherInLaw.

 

Some features I'd like to see in the upcoming GirlFriend4.0. - A "Don't remind me again" button - Minimize button - Shutdown feature - An install shield feature so that Girlfriend4.0 can be completely uninstalled if so desired (so you don't lose cache and other objects)

 

I tried running Girlfriend 2.0 with Girlfriend 1.0 still installed, they tried using the same I/O port and conflicted. Then I tried to uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 but it didn't have an uninstall program. I tried to uninstall it by hand, but it put files in my system directory.

 

Another thing that sucks -- in all versions of Girlfriend that I've used is that it is totally "object orientated" and only supports hardware with gold plated contacts.

 

***** BUG WARNING ******** Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.

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Tim and Gina were having some problems at home and were giving each

other the "silent treatment." But then Tim realized that he would need

his wife to wake him at 5:00 am for an early morning drive with some

pals to a golf match.

 

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and so lose the

"war"), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 am." The

next morning, Tim woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 am and that his

friends would have left for the golf course without him.

 

Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't awakened him

when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00

am. Wake up."

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COURT DOCKET 12659---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY

 

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

 

The man replied, "Well Your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are coming" and I

grinned.

 

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling," and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick," and I could hardly contain myself.

 

BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"... I just lost it.

"CASE DISMISSED!!"

 

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A research group captured an odd porpoise--it had feet. After it had been photographed and measured, the poor thing was prepared for release. Asked one of the researchers, "Wouldn't it be a kindness if our ship's doctor amputated the feet so it would be like other porpoises?" "Not on your life," exclaimed the doctor. "That would be defeeting the porpoise."
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just got this one in an email today.....

 

(i am sooo guilty of # 15....)

 

 

 

You know you're living in 2004 when...

 

>> >

>> > 1. You accidentally enter your password on the

>> > microwave.

>> >

>> > 2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in

>> > years.

>> >

>> > 3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your

>> > family of 3.

>> >

>> > 4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to

>> > you.

>> >

>> > 5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends

>> > and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

>> >

>> > 6. You go home after a long day at work you still

>> > answer the phone in a business manner.

>> >

>> > 7. You make phone calls from home, you accidentally

>> > dial "9" to get an outside line.

>> >

>> > 8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and

>> > worked for three different companies.

>> >

>> > 10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock

>> > news.

>> >

>> > 11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.

>> >

>> > 12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell

>> > phone to see if anyone is home.

>> >

>> > 13. Every commercial on television has a website at

>> > the bottom of the screen.

>> >

>> > 14. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which

>> > you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of

>> > your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn

>> > around to go and get it.

>> >

>> > 15. You get up in the morning and go online before

>> > getting your coffee.

>> >

>> > 16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

>> >

>> > 17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

>> >

>> > 18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going

>> > to forward this message.

>> >

>> >! 19. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this

>> > list.

>> >

>> > 20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there

>> > wasn't a #9 on this list.

>> >

>> > AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.

 

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QUOTE (Jack Aubrey @ Sep 10 2004, 03:41 PM)
Tim and Gina were having some problems at home and were giving each
other the "silent treatment." But then Tim realized that he would need
his wife to wake him at 5:00 am for an early morning drive with some
pals to a golf match.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and so lose the
"war"), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 am." The
next morning, Tim woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 am and that his
friends would have left for the golf course without him.

Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't awakened him
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00
am. Wake up."

All of these are pretty d@mn funny, Jack...but THIS one is a thing of beauty.

 

Women are so smart.

 

I'm so glad I'm a woman. biggrin.gif

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A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the woman at the teller window, "I want to open a damn checking account."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

 

"Listen up, dammit. I said I want to open a damn checking account now!"

 

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank." The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to that foul language.

 

They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

 

"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won 50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank."

 

"I see," says the manager, "and is this bitch giving you a hard time?"

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An older man and his wife, who is hard of hearing, were driving down the road when they were stopped by the highway patrol for speeding.

The officer said "Sir you were speeding."

The wife said "WHAT"

The husband said "he says I was speeding"

The officer said "license and registration please?"

The wife said "WHAT"

The husband said " he wants to see my license and registration"

As the officer is looking over the paperwork he notices the couple is from out of state.

The officer said "So you're from Illinois. I used to know a lady in Illinios. She was a real bitch. The worst person I ever met."

The wife said "WHAT"

The husband said "The patrolman says he knows you"

 

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Fnuny Fwrarods is amzanig huh?

 

Aoccdrnig to a rsaeerch at a Birsith Uinervtisy,

it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are,

the olny iprmotnat tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae.

 

The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm.

 

Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. wacko.gif confused13.gif

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this is freaky...or im just REALLY stoned...try it out new_thumbsupsmileyanim.gif

http://www.funnyforwards.com/thecolorchart.htm

 

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QUOTE (ladirushfan80 @ Sep 10 2004, 12:43 PM)
just got this one in an email today.....

(i am sooo guilty of # 15....)



You know you're living in 2004 when...

>> >
>> > 1. You accidentally enter your password on the
>> > microwave.
>> >
>> > 2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in
>> > years.
>> >
>> > 3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your
>> > family of 3.
>> >
>> > 4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to
>> > you.
>> >
>> > 5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends
>> > and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
>> >
>> > 6. You go home after a long day at work you still
>> > answer the phone in a business manner.
>> >
>> > 7. You make phone calls from home, you accidentally
>> > dial "9" to get an outside line.
>> >
>> > 8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and
>> > worked for three different companies.
>> >
>> > 10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock
>> > news.
>> >
>> > 11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
>> >
>> > 12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell
>> > phone to see if anyone is home.
>> >
>> > 13. Every commercial on television has a website at
>> > the bottom of the screen.
>> >
>> > 14. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which
>> > you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of
>> > your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn
>> > around to go and get it.
>> >
>> > 15. You get up in the morning and go online before
>> > getting your coffee.
>> >
>> > 16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
>> >
>> > 17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
>> >
>> > 18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going
>> > to forward this message.
>> >
>> >! 19. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this
>> > list.
>> >
>> > 20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there
>> > wasn't a #9 on this list.
>> >
>> > AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.

Lol, I love those last couple.

 

Oh and btw, I dont have a cell phone, im not a cell phone person. So tongue.gif

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QUOTE (GhostGirl @ Sep 10 2004, 04:43 PM)
QUOTE (Jack Aubrey @ Sep 10 2004, 03:41 PM)
Tim and Gina were having some problems at home and were giving each
other the "silent treatment." But then Tim realized that he would need
his wife to wake him at 5:00 am for an early morning drive with some
pals to a golf match.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and so lose the
"war"), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 am." The
next morning, Tim woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 am and that his
friends would have left for the golf course without him.

Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't awakened him
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00
am. Wake up."

All of these are pretty d@mn funny, Jack...but THIS one is a thing of beauty.

 

Women are so smart.

 

I'm so glad I'm a woman. biggrin.gif

So are WE, GG! 'Cause this here just ain't a purdy picture.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v411/bsg2112/bsg2112/BSGandGG.jpg

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QUOTE
13. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the screen.

 

And every food package has a website on it, too....suddenly your six year old DESPERATELY needs to check out www.fruitloops.com....

 

wacko.gif

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