The Joke Thread (The Good, The Bad & The Ugly)

[rushengal]

QUOTE (sullysue @ Jul 27 2005, 04:41 PM)

Another one from my mom. Long, but hillarious. All of the TRF'ers from the Southern States will laugh their butts off!                         INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER Notes from an inexperienced Chili Tester named FRANK, who had moved to Texas from the East Coast: "Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon, when the call came.  I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting.  So I accepted." Here are the scorecards for the event: ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- CHILI #1: MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI JUDGE #1: A little too heavy on tomato.  Amusing kick. JUDGE #2: Nice, smooth tomato flavor.  Very mild. FRANK: Holy Cow, what the heck is this stuff?  You could remove dried paint from your driveway.  Took me two beers to put the flames out.  I hope that's the worst one.  These Texans are crazy. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- CHILI #2: ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI JUDGE #1: Smokey, with a hint of port.  Slight Jalapeno-tang. JUDGE #2: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children.  I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain.  I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver.  They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- CHILI #3: FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI JUDGE #1: Excellent firehouse chili!  Great kick.  Needs more beans. JUDGE #2: A beamless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers. FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill.  My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.  Everyone knows the routine by now.  Get me more beer before I ignite.  Bar maid pounded me on the back; now my back bone is in the front part of my chest.  I'm getting drunk from all the beer. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- CHILI #4: BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC JUDGE #1: Black bean chili with almost no spice.  Disappointing. JUDGE #2: Hint of lime in the black beans.  Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it.  Is it possible to burnout taste buds?  Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 pound woman is starting to look GOOD just like this nuclear waste I'm eating.  Is chili an aphrodisiac? ------------------------------------------------------------------------- CHILI #5: LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER JUDGE #1: Meaty, strong chili.  Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick.  Very impressive. JUDGE #2: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato.  Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes.  I broke wind and four people behind me needed paramedics.  The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage.  Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher.  I wonder if I'm burning my lips off?  It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming, those rednecks. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- CHILI #6: VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY JUDGE #1: Thin, yet bold, vegetarian variety chili.  Good balance of spice and peppers. JUDGE #2: The best yet.  Aggressive use of peppers, onions , and garlic. Superb. FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames.  I soiled myself when I broke wind and I'm worried it will eat through the chair.  Can't feel my lips anymore.  I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone! -------------------------------------------------------------------------- CHILI #7: SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI JUDGE #1: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. JUDGE #2: Ho hum.  Tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment.  I should take note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing.  I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water.  My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth.  My pants are full of lava-like excrement to match my shirt.  At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me.   I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful.  Heck with it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway.  If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- CHILI #8: BILLY BOB'S SMOKIN BLAST CHILI JUDGE #1: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili.  Safe for all. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. JUDGE #2: This final entry is a good, balanced chili.  Neither mild or hot.  Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.  Not sure if he's going to make it.  Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?

 

Sully, I couldent even make it to the end of this joke... I was laughing so hard I thought I was going to pass out! My brother too, I'm going to have to print off a copy for my dad, he enjoys a good chilli joke now and then

 

Edited July 29, 2005 by rushengal

[boz69]

http://i16.photobucket.com/albums/b7/boz69/Bananas/willworkforhead.jpg

[Alsgalpal]

QUOTE (boz69 @ Jul 29 2005, 12:49 AM)

http://i16.photobucket.com/albums/b7/boz69/Bananas/willworkforhead.jpg

Nothing to lose your head over.

 

 

 

 

 

[sfuentes]

How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

 

 

 

 

Three.

 

One to screw the lightbulb in and two to discuss how Neil Peart would have done it.

[Margana]

A guy is shopping in the supermarket and he notices this attractive young blonde waving at him.

Puzzled, he approaches her and asks, "Do I know you?"

She replies, "I believe that you are the father of one of my children".

He is shocked and thinks back to the one and only time that he was unfaithful to his wife. He says "Are you the stripper that I had sex with on the pool table in the back room of a pub after a wild night of drunken debauchery?"

She replies "No, I am your son's teacher"

[Cygnus]

Two muslim mothers are sitting in the cafe strip chatting over a pint

of goat's milk. The older of the mothers pulls her bag out and starts

flipping through pictures and they start reminiscing.

"This is my oldest son Mohammed. He's 24 years old now."

"Yes, I remember him as a baby" says the other mother cheefully.

"He's a martyr now though," mom confides.

"Oh, so sad dear," says the other.

"And this is my second son Kalid. He's 21."

"Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such curly hair

when he was born."

"He's a martyr, too," says mom quietly.

"Oh gracious me..." says the other.

"And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He's 18," she

whispers.

"Yes," says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first

started school."

"He's a martyr also," says mom, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second muslim mother looks wistfully at

the photographs and says... "They blow up so fast, don't they?"

[Cygnus]

BUFORD.....

 

Doesn't it seem that more and more physicians are running their practices

like an assembly line? Here's what happened to Buford: Buford walked into a

doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Buford said,

Shingles. So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and

told him to have a seat.

 

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked Buford what he had.

Buford said, Shingles. So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete

medical history and told Buford to wait in the examining room.

 

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Buford what he had. Buford

said, Shingles.

 

So the nurse gave Buford a blood test, a blood pressure test, an

electrocardiogram, and told Buford to take off all his clothes and wait for

the doctor.

 

An hour later the doctor came in and asked Buford what he had. Buford said,

Shingles.

 

The doctor asked, Where?

 

Buford said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want them??

[Alsgalpal]

QUOTE (Cygnus @ Jul 29 2005, 04:38 PM)

Two muslim mothers are sitting in the cafe strip chatting over a pint of goat's milk. The older of the mothers pulls her bag out and starts flipping through pictures and they start reminiscing. "This is my oldest son Mohammed. He's 24 years old now." "Yes, I remember him as a baby" says the other mother cheefully. "He's a martyr now though," mom confides. "Oh, so sad dear," says the other. "And this is my second son Kalid. He's 21." "Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such curly hair when he was born." "He's a martyr, too," says mom quietly. "Oh gracious me..." says the other. "And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He's 18," she whispers. "Yes," says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school." "He's a martyr also," says mom, with tears in her eyes. After a pause and a deep sigh, the second muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says... "They blow up so fast, don't they?"

Its rather sad, but I can't help but laugh...

[GeneticBlend]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

 

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

 

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

 

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

[Alsgalpal]

QUOTE (GeneticBlend @ Aug 2 2005, 02:00 PM)

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

Thats a good one!!!

 

 

 

 

 

[CanEHdian]

QUOTE (Alsgalpal @ Aug 2 2005, 03:02 PM)

QUOTE (GeneticBlend @ Aug 2 2005, 02:00 PM) A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!" Thats a good one!!!

[Arndrake]

QUOTE (GeneticBlend @ Aug 2 2005, 02:00 PM)

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

[Priestess of Syrinx]

Q: Why don't blind people go skydiving?

A: It scares the Hell out of the dog!

 

Q: How did Stevie Wonder get the pock marks all over his face?

A: From learning to eat with a fork!

 

Q: Have you ever seen Stevie Wonder's wife?

A: "No"? ...Neither has he!

 

Q: What do you call a tennis match between Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles?

A: Endless Love

 

Q: What did Stevie Wonder think of the cheese grater he got as a gift?

A: He thought it was the most violent book he had ever read!

 

Q: Why were Helen Keller's legs yellow?

A: Her dog was blind too!

 

Q: How did Helen Keller burn her fingers?

A: Trying to read the waffle iron!

 

Q: How did Helen Keller burn her left ear?

A: She answered the iron!

 

Q: How did Helen Keller burn her right ear?

A: The sucker called back!

 

A blind man walks into the grocery store with his guide dog and stops near a pyramid of cans on display. Suddenly, he picks his dog up by the tail and starts swinging it and swirling it round and round madly over his head, knocking things over and causing a worried store clerk to run toward him. "What do you think you're doing?!" the clerk asked, to which the blind man replied, "Oh, just looking around!"

 

A blind man approached a curb, getting ready to cross the street with his guide dog. He could tell their was heavy traffic, but his dog pulled him out into the street anyway. Cars started swerving, horns honked, all chaos ensued. Thankfully, the man and dog made it safely across the street. The blind man then reached in his pocket, pulled out a dog biscuit, and fed it to his guide dog. A woman who had watched this whole horrid scene ran up and screamed at him, "You idiot! You could've been killed! How could you have the nerve to give your dog a treat after what he did to you?!" To which the blind man replied, "I had to find his mouth first before I could kick his butt!"

 

A blind man is sitting in a fancy suit-n-tie restaurant and gets served a thick steak. He begins cutting with his knife in a hard sawing motion, intriguing the waiter who had served him. "Sir, it looks like you're having trouble cutting your steak, may I help you?" the waiter asked. The blind man replied, "Oh no, I'm independent and doing fine on my own, but thank you!" A while passed as the blind man was still trying furiously to saw the knife through his rubbery tough steak. The waiter approached him and said, "Sir, I know you told me you'd like to remain independent... but when is a good time to tell you you're cutting through your tie?"

[Rolinda Bonz]

QUOTE (Priestess of Syrinx @ Aug 2 2005, 06:07 PM)

Q: What do you call a tennis match between Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles? A: Endless Love

Good one!

[Inthend]

QUOTE (CanEHdian @ Aug 2 2005, 02:05 PM)

QUOTE (Alsgalpal @ Aug 2 2005, 03:02 PM) QUOTE (GeneticBlend @ Aug 2 2005, 02:00 PM) A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!" Thats a good one!!!             Stupid turned tables!

[Inthend]

QUOTE (Rolinda Bonz @ Aug 2 2005, 09:47 PM)

QUOTE (Priestess of Syrinx @ Aug 2 2005, 06:07 PM) Q: What do you call a tennis match between Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles? A: Endless Love Good one! ou, ou, ou!   I got one.   What about John Gotti and Al Capone?   15-30       I couldn't think of any famous live criminals.     help please.

[Oberon]

http://www.geluck.com/croquis/croquis2/04.jpg

[sundog]

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven. "You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for 30 minutes, during which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life. They approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes. Soon, there was lots of deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces. "You still have 15 more minutes," said the angel, winking at them. Grinning even wider, the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down, and I'll go on its head."

 

[ladirushfan80]

TICK WARNING

 

I hate it when people forward bogus warnings...but this one is real, and

it's important. So please send this warning to everyone on your e-mail

list:

 

 

 

If someone comes to your front door saying they are conducting a survey

on ticks and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your

arms up,

 

DO NOT DO IT!! IT IS A SCAM!!

 

They only want to see you naked.

 

I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid.

 

[Rolinda Bonz]

[Inthend]

QUOTE (sundog @ Aug 3 2005, 09:52 PM)

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven. "You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for 30 minutes, during which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life. They approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes. Soon, there was lots of deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces. "You still have 15 more minutes," said the angel, winking at them. Grinning even wider, the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down, and I'll go on its head."

Excellent! Ya got me.

 

Never in a million years.

I don't believe I could ever go in my mind from sex to pigeons.

 

 

And just think how long they had been holding "it".

 

They could have drowned that poor bird.

[Cygnus]

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty

badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body,

so they sent for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer.

The three men had always done everything together.

Daryl arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the

sheet, Daryl said, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You

better roll him over." The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said,

"Nope, ain't Bubba." The mortician thought that was rather strange.

Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took

a look at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up.

Roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No,

it ain't Bubba." The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two a$$holes."

"What? He had two assholes?!" said the mortician.

Yup, everyone knew he had two a$$holes.

Every time we went to town, folks would say,

"Here comes Bubba with them two a$$holes."

[Alsgalpal]

Sunny and Cygnus, those were great!!!

[Cygnus]

Mom cooked deer meat for supper. The kids, Johnny and Susie, thought it was delicious, but didn't know what it was.

 

"What is this, Mom?" asked Susie.

 

Mom replied, "You'll have to guess. But I'll give you a clue. It's what I call your father sometimes."

 

Johnny yells, "Spit it out sis! It's asshole! It's asshole!"

[Alsgalpal]

QUOTE (Cygnus @ Aug 16 2005, 07:55 AM)

Mom cooked deer meat for supper. The kids, Johnny and Susie, thought it was delicious, but didn't know what it was. "What is this, Mom?" asked Susie. Mom replied, "You'll have to guess. But I'll give you a clue. It's what I call your father sometimes." Johnny yells, "Spit it out sis! It's asshole! It's asshole!"

 

 

 

Omg, that made me spit!!!!