The Joke Thread (The Good, The Bad & The Ugly)

[Show Don't Tell]

QUOTE (bigalfan @ Jun 17 2010, 11:16 AM)

QUOTE (Show Don't Tell @ Feb 23 2010, 04:24 PM) One for all you guitar players out there: Q: What's God's favourite chord? A: Gsus

[Test4VitalSigns]

[Jaye]

Did you hear that the three most popular websites - YouTube, Twitter and Facebook - are being combined? They're calling it 'YouTwitFace'.

[jkt2112]

A blonde is driving down the road and she sees another blonde in the middle of a field in a rowboat. She pulls over, gets out of the car and yells to the other blonde, "Hey you!!! You're the reason blondes get such a bad rap...and if I knew how to swim, I'd come out there and kick your ass!"

[tkdryan]

QUOTE (jkt2112 @ Aug 9 2010, 10:01 PM)

A blonde is driving down the road and she sees another blonde in the middle of a field in a rowboat. She pulls over, gets out of the car and yells to the other blonde, "Hey you!!! You're the reason blondes get such a bad rap...and if I knew how to swim, I'd come out there and kick your ass!"

 

What does Snoop Dog use to clean his clothes?

 

 

 

BLEATCH

[Mr. Not]

QUOTE (Kenneth @ Apr 14 2010, 01:32 PM)

Hilarious Rush jokes I made up on the spot: What's the difference between Alex and Geddy? Alex plays guitar and Geddy plays Bass! What's the difference between Guitar and Bass? 2 strings! What do you call a six stringed bass? a guitar! What does Neil do first thing in the morning? Rip 2 strings off of Geddy's bass! How do you know if Alex has been looking through your fridge? All the cheese is gone!

Tell me I'm not the only one who reads the first 4 jokes, then laughs hysterically at how a random theory about Alex being obsessed with cheese appears in the 5th!

 

 

 

[Mr. Not]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BolAftgUw8E

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X1s98WGWMh4

Edited August 10, 2010 by Kenneth

[Slaine mac Roth]

An Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman and a Bishop walk into a pub.

 

The landlord looks up and says "Is this some sort of joke?"

[LiquidSteel]

http://a.imageshack.us/img223/3590/nuttinaz6.png

 

http://a.imageshack.us/img78/6943/snowmanun8.jpg

 

http://a.imageshack.us/img78/7905/snowmen2hj6.jpg

 

http://a.imageshack.us/img152/8820/rodeoclown.png

 

 

 

Edited August 11, 2010 by LiquidSteel

[GhostGirl]

http://lolsnaps.com/upload_images/real/369.jpg

 

*snort*

[jkt2112]

A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Where is the bartender?"

[thing2jordan]

If Marilyn Monroe were alive right now, what would she be doing?

 

...

 

Clawing at the lid of her coffin.

[Jack Aubrey]

My favorite meta joke:

 

What's brown and sticky?

 

A stick!

[Jaye]

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

 

 

 

A carrot!

[Mara]

What did one tampon say to the other?

 

Nothing. They were both stuck-up twats.

Edited August 27, 2010 by Mara

[jkt2112]

How many psychiatrists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

 

 

Only one, but the lightbulb has to want to change...

[Jack Aubrey]

How do you make a cat go "woof"?

 

Soak it in gasoline and set it on fire!

 

 

How do you make a dog go "meow"?

 

Dip it in liquid nitrogen and run it through a band saw!

 

[Jaye]

QUOTE (Jack Aubrey @ Aug 30 2010, 11:58 AM)

How do you make a cat go "woof"? Soak it in gasoline and set it on fire! How do you make a dog go "meow"? Dip it in liquid nitrogen and run it through a band saw!

[Rolinda Bonz]

The 100 MPH Goat

 

Two Tennessee rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

 

The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."

 

The second hunter says," I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

 

The first hunter says, "There's this old automobile transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see". So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.

 

They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jump in head first.

 

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up. "Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"

 

The first hunter says, " Funny you should ask, but we were just standing

here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"

 

The old farmer said, "That's impossible. I had him chained to a transmission!"

 

 

[Rolinda Bonz]

Divorced Barbie

 

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?' The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.

 

The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'

 

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls.

[Rolinda Bonz]

Romance Novel Material

 

He grasped me firmly but gently just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room. Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone. He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low reassuring voice close to my ear. "Just relax."

 

Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my calves slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat. I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so experienced, so sure.

 

When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding. I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage.. And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply. Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine and into my panties.

 

Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge. A man not used to taking "No" for an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say ...

 

"Okay ma'am, you can board your flight now."

 

[Rolinda Bonz]

It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota

asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or

mild.

 

 

Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the

old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the

winter was going to be like.

 

 

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the

winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village

should collect firewood to be prepared.

 

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He

went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and

asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'

 

 

'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the

meteorologist at the weather service responded.

 

 

So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even

more firewood in order to be prepared.

 

 

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it

still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'

 

 

'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going

to be a very cold winter.'

 

 

The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect

every scrap of firewood they could find.

 

 

Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again.

'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'

 

 

'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is

going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'

 

 

'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.

 

The weatherman replied,'The Indians are collecting a shitload of firewood'

 

 

[ALifeson85]

Q: What does NASA stand for?

A: "Need Another Seven Astronauts"

 

Did you know Helen Keller had a tree house? Neither did she.

 

Q: What animal has a dick on the middle of it's back?

A: A police horse.

 

Q: Why don't blind people skydive?

A: It scares the shit out of the dog.

 

Q: Whats a benefit of being a skilled circumciser?

A: You get good tips.

[Good,bad,andrush]

Moses, Jesus, and a humble bearded man are playing golf.

 

Moses hits the golf ball towards the hole, which is near a large pond. He misses and the ball falls into the pond. He conjures energy, and the water separates, allowing him to walk into the pond and hit the ball again. He scores a birdie.

 

Jesus hits the golf ball towards the hole right after, but fails. The ball also lands in the pond. He puts his hand to his head, and stretches his other hand toward the ball, causing it to levitate slightly above the water. He walks across the water and hits the ball, scoring a birdie.

 

The bearded man is further from the hole than the other two players, and he accidentally hits the ball too hard. The ball goes over a fence and hits a truck on the interstate, which then bounces off and lands on a lily pad in a swamp on the other side of the golf course. A frog picks up the ball and places it in is mouth, but cannot swallow it. An eagle flying above catches the frog and carries it to its nest in order to feed it to its offspring, and as the frog is flying, it drops the ball precisely in the hole. Hole-in-one.

 

Moses tells Jesus, "I hate playing with your father!"

[Good,bad,andrush]

A man is playing tennis with a friend, but steps when he experiences extreme elbow pain. His friend tells him that there is a little old man living inside a cave who can diagnose anybody with anything and provide treatment for only ten dollars. This process requires leaving a sample of urine outside the cave along with ten dollars. The man leaves a urine sample and ten dollars, and comes back the next day.

 

A note is left saying that he has tennis elbow, and that he needs to ice it and relax for two weeks. He is impressed with how the man knew exactly what was wrong with only a sample of urine. After a while, he realized that perhaps his friend was lying to him; after all, his friend knew about his condition. Angry at his friend for taking ten dollars from him, he goes back to the cave, this time with a special homemade concoction of his dog's feces, his wife and son's urine, tap water, and another liquid from his own body. He leaves the concoction outside the cave with a ten dollar bill.

 

Upon returning the next day, he finds a note that says, "your tap water is too hard; get a water softener. Your dog has worms; get him to a vet. Your wife is pregnant with twins...and they're not yours; get a lawyer. Your son is on cocaine; get him in rehab. And if you don't stop whacking it, your tennis elbow will never get better."