ILSnwdog Posted May 5, 2010 Share Posted May 5, 2010 A very unattractive woman is very depressed because none of her recent dates have led to...well, you know. She discusses her dilemma with a friend. Her friend said maybe there was something wrong with her, and that perhaps she should see he doctor. The woman is desperate, and takes the advice. She visits her doctor and tells him her dilemma, and he says "This sounds like something that is out of my area of expertise. Perhaps you should see a sexual therapist. I happen to know of a very good one. He is from China, and is a little unorthodox, but he is very good." The lady gets his information, and makes an appointment. She finally goes to her appointment, and she is sitting in the examination room. The Therapist walks into the room, looks at her then examines her chart. He finally looks at the woman and says "Take off your crothes". The woman obliges. Then the doctors says "now get on the froor and crawl to da wall." The naked woman proceeds to get down on all fours and crawls across the floor until she gets to the wall. Then the doctor says "Now turn around and crawl back to me." The woman does this, and just before she gets back to the table, the doctor proclaims "You have Ed Zachary Syndrome". The alarmed lady says "Ed Zachary syndrome? What's that?". The doctor replies, "It is when your face rook ed zachary rike your ass!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
liquidcrystalcompass Posted May 5, 2010 Share Posted May 5, 2010 QUOTE (ILSnwdog @ May 5 2010, 01:10 PM) A very unattractive woman is very depressed because none of her recent dates have led to...well, you know. She discusses her dilemma with a friend. Her friend said maybe there was something wrong with her, and that perhaps she should see he doctor. The woman is desperate, and takes the advice. She visits her doctor and tells him her dilemma, and he says "This sounds like something that is out of my area of expertise. Perhaps you should see a sexual therapist. I happen to know of a very good one. He is from China, and is a little unorthodox, but he is very good." The lady gets his information, and makes an appointment. She finally goes to her appointment, and she is sitting in the examination room. The Therapist walks into the room, looks at her then examines her chart. He finally looks at the woman and says "Take off your crothes". The woman obliges. Then the doctors says "now get on the froor and crawl to da wall." The naked woman proceeds to get down on all fours and crawls across the floor until she gets to the wall. Then the doctor says "Now turn around and crawl back to me." The woman does this, and just before she gets back to the table, the doctor proclaims "You have Ed Zachary Syndrome". The alarmed lady says "Ed Zachary syndrome? What's that?". The doctor replies, "It is when your face rook ed zachary rike your ass!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ILSnwdog Posted May 5, 2010 Share Posted May 5, 2010 What do you get when you stand a blond on her head? A brunette with bad breath. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ILSnwdog Posted May 6, 2010 Share Posted May 6, 2010 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rolinda Bonz Posted May 8, 2010 Share Posted May 8, 2010 A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?" She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomania Convention in Chicago". He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really, " he said, "what myths are those?" "Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent. We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern redneck." Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name." "Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me Bubba. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GhostGirl Posted May 20, 2010 Share Posted May 20, 2010 http://www.explosm.net/db/files/Comics/Rob/resume2.png Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mara Posted May 20, 2010 Share Posted May 20, 2010 What did the little German boy say after he pushed his mother off the cliff? "Look, Hans, no ma!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jack Aubrey Posted May 23, 2010 Share Posted May 23, 2010 REDNECK LENT Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic. And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass...and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic". Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Bubba's yard, prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement. There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: "You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tortoise and Hare Posted May 23, 2010 Share Posted May 23, 2010 QUOTE (Jack Aubrey @ May 22 2010, 08:05 PM) REDNECK LENT Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic. And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass...and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic". Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Bubba's yard, prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement. There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: "You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish". Thanks Jack!!!! Just sent this along to our Scoutmaster - - he'll LOVE IT!!!! Hare Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sullysue Posted May 23, 2010 Share Posted May 23, 2010 QUOTE (Tortoise and Hare @ May 22 2010, 07:57 PM) QUOTE (Jack Aubrey @ May 22 2010, 08:05 PM) REDNECK LENT Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic. And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass...and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic". Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Bubba's yard, prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement. There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: "You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish". Thanks Jack!!!! Just sent this along to our Scoutmaster - - he'll LOVE IT!!!! Hare That's a good one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
In A Tidewater Surge Posted June 13, 2010 Share Posted June 13, 2010 Why does a Frenchman only eat one egg for breakfast? Because that is un oeuf Micky mouse and Minnie mouse are in divorce court. The judge says: "I'm afraid I can't divorce you because Minnie is insane." Micky steps forward and says: "I didn't say she was insane. I said she was f***ing Goofy!" What has 75 balls and screws old ladies? Bingo. What would Marilyn Monroe be doing if she were alive today? Clawing at the lid of her coffin. An old man was at his doctor's office, waiting for his physical, when a nurse came to him. "We're going to need a stool sample, a urine sample, and a semen sample," she told him. "Okay," he said. "Guess I'll be giving you my underwear." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Show Don't Tell Posted June 13, 2010 Share Posted June 13, 2010 QUOTE (In A Tidewater Surge @ Jun 13 2010, 06:20 PM) Why does a Frenchman only eat one egg for breakfast? Because that is un oeuf Micky mouse and Minnie mouse are in divorce court. The judge says: "I'm afraid I can't divorce you because Minnie is insane." Micky steps forward and says: "I didn't say she was insane. I said she was f***ing Goofy!" What has 75 balls and screws old ladies? Bingo. What would Marilyn Monroe be doing if she were alive today? Clawing at the lid of her coffin. An old man was at his doctor's office, waiting for his physical, when a nurse came to him. "We're going to need a stool sample, a urine sample, and a semen sample," she told him. "Okay," he said. "Guess I'll be giving you my underwear." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rolinda Bonz Posted June 16, 2010 Share Posted June 16, 2010 The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship. Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success." "Very good," said the teacher. Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events." "Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.. Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath ... Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said. "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?" "Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny. "Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?" "I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample." They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog shit!" Then I would say,"It is dog shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?" "I used the governmental approach of giving you something shitty for free, and then making you pay to get the shitty taste out of your mouth." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Show Don't Tell Posted June 17, 2010 Share Posted June 17, 2010 QUOTE (Drumnut @ Jan 28 2006, 10:33 PM) The Microsoft Fix There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong. The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere. Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion, 'Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it'll work !?' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
g under p Posted June 17, 2010 Share Posted June 17, 2010 Lost A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude. "She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be an Obama Democrat." "I am," replied the man. "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me." The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Republican." "I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?" "Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaye Posted June 17, 2010 Share Posted June 17, 2010 QUOTE (g under p @ Jun 17 2010, 02:17 AM)Lost A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude. "She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be an Obama Democrat." "I am," replied the man. "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me." The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Republican." "I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?" "Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault." Clever! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bigalfan Posted June 17, 2010 Share Posted June 17, 2010 QUOTE (Show Don't Tell @ Feb 23 2010, 04:24 PM) One for all you guitar players out there: Q: What's God's favourite chord? A: Gsus Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bigalfan Posted June 17, 2010 Share Posted June 17, 2010 QUOTE (GhostGirl @ May 20 2010, 04:06 PM)http://www.explosm.net/db/files/Comics/Rob/resume2.png k, that was good! (surely you wouldn't expect me to pass up this GOLDEN "smart-ass" opportunity?) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GhostGirl Posted June 17, 2010 Share Posted June 17, 2010 QUOTE (bigalfan @ Jun 17 2010, 10:20 AM) QUOTE (GhostGirl @ May 20 2010, 04:06 PM)http://www.explosm.net/db/files/Comics/Rob/resume2.png k, that was good! (surely you wouldn't expect me to pass up this GOLDEN "smart-ass" opportunity?) I think you're going to fit in perfectly here at Smartasses, Inc. Now, I'm gonna need you to go ahead and come in on Saturday, mmmkay? That'd be great. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bigalfan Posted June 17, 2010 Share Posted June 17, 2010 QUOTE (GhostGirl @ Jun 17 2010, 10:33 AM) QUOTE (bigalfan @ Jun 17 2010, 10:20 AM) QUOTE (GhostGirl @ May 20 2010, 04:06 PM)http://www.explosm.net/db/files/Comics/Rob/resume2.png k, that was good! (surely you wouldn't expect me to pass up this GOLDEN "smart-ass" opportunity?) I think you're going to fit in perfectly here at Smartasses, Inc. Now, I'm gonna need you to go ahead and come in on Saturday, mmmkay? That'd be great. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GhostGirl Posted June 18, 2010 Share Posted June 18, 2010 Okay, I'm gettin' slap-happy - an hour till quittin' time and a week of vacation... But this made me http://www2.b3ta.com/host/creative/23692/1220904231/reese.jpg Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bigalfan Posted June 18, 2010 Share Posted June 18, 2010 QUOTE (GhostGirl @ Jun 18 2010, 03:19 PM)Okay, I'm gettin' slap-happy - an hour till quittin' time and a week of vacation... But this made me http://www2.b3ta.com/host/creative/23692/1220904231/reese.jpg Vacation, you say? Well....that might be a good thing. Have a great one!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GhostGirl Posted June 18, 2010 Share Posted June 18, 2010 QUOTE (bigalfan @ Jun 18 2010, 03:31 PM) QUOTE (GhostGirl @ Jun 18 2010, 03:19 PM)Okay, I'm gettin' slap-happy - an hour till quittin' time and a week of vacation... But this made me http://www2.b3ta.com/host/creative/23692/1220904231/reese.jpg Vacation, you say? Well....that might be a good thing. Have a great one!! Oh, it's good. I'm not going anywhere, but not having to be HERE is vacation enough for me. Here meaning WORK, not here meaning TRF. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xanadu93 Posted June 20, 2010 Share Posted June 20, 2010 Rene Descartes walks into a bar. The Bartender says, "Hey, Rene, you want a scotch?" Descartes replies, "No, I think not." And then he vanishes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bigalfan Posted June 20, 2010 Share Posted June 20, 2010 QUOTE (Xanadu93 @ Jun 20 2010, 12:02 AM) Rene Descartes walks into a bar. The Bartender says, "Hey, Rene, you want a scotch?" Descartes replies, "No, I think not." And then he vanishes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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